MY GREEK NAME DAY… another happy-sad-blessed day…

~ Written, 17th August 2017 ~ About Tuesday, 15th August 2017

Depression had hit hard by today… I’d been too busy to really mourn my dear old friend, Norma the way I needed to (being busy is also my escape strategy for the more painful emotional struggles which I would rather not face).  I was still moving forward with trying to get my work caught up, but everything felt as though it was going in slow motion.  My stress levels and anxiety with episodes of dissociation and mind blindness was making it so much harder for me to get things done.  My WILL was there, but my energy reserves were seriously lacking, greatly affecting my abilities! 
 
Being my Greek Name Day, I always think of my beloved Greek mother who passed away in 2004.  She never forgot my name day, and she was the only person who ever consistently all through the years called me by my own true name… Panayiota.  I always miss her and celebrate her memory most on August 15th every year.   
 
I have been working hard at getting people to call me by my own name.  In correspondence to new students, I have started to sign off as Panayiota and they are responding with my name, which I love.  The way I see it, is that if most people I’ve known up till now don’t call me by my true name, then I would at least make sure to have as may in my Logotherapy family and other new contacts in my life call me by true name before I die! 
 
Ironic
So, in the early morning, before 8am, I missed two phone calls… thinking it was a prospective student, I tried to call back, but nobody knew of anyone calling me… they didn’t say who they were.  A while later my dad called to wish me Happy Name Day… I answered the phone with, “Panayiota speaking”… thinking it would be the prospective student.  My dad doesn’t hear very well and was confused… he answered… “Is that Pat?” I said yes, and he then proceeded to wish me Happy Name Day…
 
I wasn’t upset with my dad at all… but it did kind of stand out for me as to how hard my battle to earn my own name would be now in my 60’s, and how some things might never change, because people are so used to calling me Pat and a variety of other such names.  The sad thing for me is, that Panayiota was my Greek grandmother’s name… my dad’s mom… he gave me her name.  I have cherished that name in my heart all through my years… as a child living with abuse, it gave me a sense of connection… I honoured my Greek mother for never forgetting who I really was… for giving me that all-important sense of connection and belonging to someone and something that I craved so much for as a child… I was never invisible to her.
 
Both my near-by sister and my sister in law called me by my true name on my Greek Name Day this year and some of my LogoFriends and students as well as some FB friends, so I felt content at the end of the day, that my true name had been represented well, and as a result I felt happy and content.
 
I AM PANAYIOTA!
 
My very first blog post
15th August 2015, was the day that I posted my very first blog post.  So today, I felt a sense of longing also for the beautiful friendship I had with the friends who had so kindly helped me set up my blog way back then.  My sense of gratitude towards them feels overwhelming and at the same time, a sense of sadness, due to an unfortunate incident that severed our friendship and trust.  But no matter what, I will always experience feelings of love towards them when I think of what they did to help me with this blog.  I pray that there are people out there who are sharing in what I write and finding it helpful.   
 
Another precious friend passed away ~ Goodbye Johanna…
This morning, my mind was all over the place… I was struggling to think straight to get some work done… things picked up around midday, but by then, I needed to go pick up my grandchildren from school.  Once they were in the car, they casually announced that Johanna had died of a heart attack the night before.  It was obvious, by the way they let me know, that their parents had handled the situation very well with them and they were not traumatized by the sad news.
 
But as for me… I was in total shock and had to immediately bury my own feelings for their sake, going along with their jovial mood surrounding Johanna’s death…
 
“We were sad when we heard, but we know that Johanna is with Jesus, and she’s probably cleaning someone’s house in Heaven right now…” they chuckled.
 
I was totally stunned, but smiled and felt grateful for my son’s and daughter in law’s courage in the face of their own loss, to comfort their children so well in this matter. 
 
At my granddaughter’s birthday party on Saturday, I greeted Johanna with a hug, because I was so happy to see her.  She had recently been in hospital with bronchitis.  I worked with her in the kitchen… we buttered hotdog rolls together and chatted… what a special lady she was… I even warned her not to overdo things for a while after how ill she had been with bronchitis, telling her that she could have a heart attack…
 
Oh dear…
 
For about 14 years, she had worked for my daughter in law’s family and had different days cleaning different family homes.  Johanna was a woman of integrity when it came to her incredible work ethic.  She seemed to love working for the family and became “family” in the process.  She was fast and efficient and most definitely brightened the lives of those she worked for with her cheery personality… always leaving their homes sparkling and beautiful.
 
Johanna brought up her children to love God and she made sure that each one had a good tertiary education and a great start to their adult lives.
 
August is “Woman’s Month”… This August, I celebrate my beloved Greek mother and Greek grandmother, Panayiota, my dear old Norma and lovely Johanna.  Great women who I feel honoured to have been part of in this lifetime.  They have left their mark in my heart and I’m sure, in the hearts of so many others.  May their LOVE continue to shine a light in this world and make a difference for GOOD in this world.
 
Beautiful flowers
On the way home, I remembered how my Greek mother always had a chocolate ready for me around my Greek Name Day if we were close enough to visit, so that she could give it to me.  I felt as though I would love to have a gift for my name day… because for me, it was supposed to be a very special day, just like it was when Greek mommy was alive.
 
Shortly after I arrived home, my neighbor surprised me with a big bunch of flowers.  For no apparent reason, other than just to bless me with her kindness and love.  She also had sweets for my grandchildren which pleased them no end.  When she handed me the flowers, tears welled in my eyes.  Nobody had given me flowers in a long time and this was a time when I felt I needed such love, so it was a lovely surprise… we hugged. 
 
I wondered afterwards, if my Greek mother had arranged that surprise from the other side somehow.  She knew how hard I’d been struggling lately… could she have prompted my neighbor to bring me that beautiful gift of love?  Maybe my Father in Heaven… but whatever happens… I felt touched by Heaven as a result.  A sense of… “Everything’s going to be alright… stay calm… trust… you are not alone”…
 
Just lately also, little birds have been coming close to me, which for me, has always been my symbol of my Greek mother’s presence… always when I’m feeling down and struggling… usually white doves.  But recently while I was washing my hands at the kitchen sink, a grey dove flew onto the Kitchen windowsill in front of me and paced backwards and forwards a few times looking at me… then it flew away… I said in my heart… “Thank you Greek mommy”… then a day or two later, a little bird hopped around me in the garden and came again a second time when I went out.
 
I like to believe that I have friends in Heaven and they are always with me.
 
Thank you for sharing in my blog with me.
 
~ Panayiota