Agoraphobia, Panic Attack & Paradoxical Intention!

~ Posted: 2nd January 2016 ~
 
I’ve struggled with agoraphobia for as long as I can remember.  It’s not serious, but enough to keep me pretty much stuck in my house.  If I need to go out, it usually takes me a huge amount of courage and sometimes even a few days to psych myself up, to beat the overwhelming anxiety that overtakes me to just get out of the gate...  but once I’m out of the gate, I’m mostly fine these days and generally enjoy my time out!  I love driving, so going places is not really a problem.
 
My son was home today, so the agoraphobia was not an issue.  I choose days that he’s off to do my shopping, etc., even if it’s only for him to go out to the car port with me and let me out the gate, then all goes well and he doesn’t even have to go with me most times, as long as I’m familiar with the place I’m going to and I’m just going to do a quick shopping trip at my regular local store, for instance.
 
Today he went with me and when we arrived at the mall, there was just so many cars and traffic.  He drove to the downstairs parking and had to drive around quite a bit to find a parking.  It was like driving into an oven... hot enough outside on the road, but totally claustrophobic in the underground parking area... I quickly started to feel quite suffocated... asked my son to roll down the car windows at the back to let in more air... it didn’t help much. 
 
Soon we were parked and walked into the mall... there were so many people and trolleys everywhere.  As we stepped onto the crowded escalator, I suddenly and unexpectedly started to “lose it”... and without much warning at all, I burst into tears!  It happened so fast that I was totally unprepared... a mild panic attack!  I felt very embarrassed with people going in the opposite direction on the “down” escalator next to us who could see us as we were going up. 
 
Feeling very trapped and embarrassed didn’t help one bit! 
 
A moment of sanity stood up for me... “Say something funny.”  I said to my son, tears streaming down my face... “I think I’m having a little panic attack!”
 
 
Looking up at him (he’s very tall), and seeing him laughing at my “humorous tear-filled comment” helped me to feel safe again... more grounded... so, by the time we reached the top, I was already wiping the tears away and we just got on with our shopping.  I remained tight chested throughout and even a little distant... almost as if all the crowds around me were moving in slow motion, but I was still able to get the shopping done with my son helping me and constantly talking to me, which kept me more on the surface as we went around, and luckily we found a very short queue on the way out and were able to go home.
 
I feel amazed that I had a panic attack big enough to bring me to tears... it’s been a good few years since the last time, before they stopped altogether.  In therapy, I was taught how to use an amazing Logotherapeutic technique known as “paradoxical intention” to help me with the regular and debilitating panic attacks I was having way back then. My panic attacks disappeared overnight once I used this method and it was astounding and so freeing to me to no longer have them anymore.  So today was a good reminder of how it used to be for me... and a wonderful reminder to me of how free I have been without them. 
 
I also know now that I might need to make sure I’m always with someone in crowded places, or to avoid them perhaps and rather choose less crowded shopping days. 
 
Whatever happens, I do not feel threatened by one panic attack after so many years... I understand the dynamics that brought it on and at least know where I stand with them at this time of my life.  It’s ok and I don’t intend on letting them take over again! 
 
I have learned that it is very liberating to learn and to understand why things happen to me, and know how to deal with them in the moment and also how to avoid them from happening again. 
 
Staying locked up in my house is never going to be a remedy for my agoraphobia or panic attacks...
 
My life must go on... too much to do still...

For more information about:
Agoraphobia:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agoraphobia
Panic Attack: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack

~ Pana