CONFESSION OF A BIG BABY! ~ Visiting the dentist!!!

~ Posted ~ 6 October 2015 ~
 
Last night I broke the crown off of my front tooth... it was put on about 7 months ago just before my daughter’s wedding so that I could look and feel good on the day... and of course I did feel wonderful with that crown on.  And usually I don’t look good in photographs, but those particular photos came out so pretty and I love them!  I hadn’t felt that happy, comfortable, accepted and loved in years as I did at their wedding and it showed in those photographs. 
 
When the dentist saw my teeth, he said that they were worn down and damaged due to grinding in my sleep... I am not aware of grinding, but when I have been going through a particular stressful period, I have woken up some nights and either found my teeth clenched really tight, or that I have bitten the inside of my cheek or my tongue very sore in my sleep!
 
I am petrified of dentists!!!  But I will not go anywhere looking like this, so I have two choices... stay embarrassed and locked up in my house, because of the broken tooth and fear, or, face my fears go to the dentist to get it capped again! 
 
In February when my youngest sister took me to her dentist, I was already very much in my vulnerable child personality by the time we arrived there.  We were sitting in the waiting room and I wasn’t doing too bad at all, until the dentist came from behind me unexpectedly, to say hello... Well, that was all I needed... as he walked away, a panic attack took over and gasping for breath I burst into tears... (Flashback fears from my past). 
 
From that moment on, I can tell you very little about what happened there... I dissociated so deeply that about all I can remember was that the dentist may have been a thin man with dark hair, but I have no clue what he really looked like.  I think his dentist chair was brown... and I remember being aware that my sister was standing at the end by my feet... holding my feet I think... maybe giving reassuring rubs every now and then... but I can’t be sure of anything much.
 
What I am sure of is the incredible sense of gratitude I have felt for the 7 months I have had that cap and felt so confident and normal with my teeth looking so good.  I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to phone the dentist to thank him for giving me back my smile... I should have (a lost opportunity to show my gratitude to him for something that was so meaningful to me).
 
Today I sent a message to my sister to please send me her dentist’s phone number... she did and the minute I thought about calling him, my pulse and blood pressure shot up instantly!  I now have a splitting headache and just trying to tell my son what happened to my tooth tonight caused my head to feel as though it was splitting again.  I’ve had to take something for it and I’m not one for medicines at all!
 
I’m going to need someone to go with me again... I know I am not going to be able to go alone.  If I can’t even find the courage to phone the dentist, how on earth do I think I’m going to go to him by myself!
 
It’s so bad, that for my son’s wedding many years ago, someone organized for me to have a manicure done... I burst into tears when the lady on the other side of the table started to massage my hands!  Then a while back, my sister-in-law took me to have a facial done.  When the woman walked in and shut the curtains behind her, telling me to lie down, the tears started and I cried practically all the way through the facial and laughed a bit too I remember, because my sister in law thought it was so funny!  Maybe I should take her with this time... hahaaa!
 
And oh my goodness me... don’t tell me to lie down and relax... instant flashback fears!!!  In fact, they must talk to me as little as possible so that I can stay in my “safe place” of dissociation... my faraway place for psychic protection.   If they talk to me, it pulls me from the dissociation momentarily and thus reinforcing the feelings of fear that surface so strongly, so if they just keep quiet and get the job done, I usually do a lot better.  I always feel very weak and wasted afterwards... it’s very scary for me.
 
I even get into a state of childish tears if I have to visit the vet with one of my pets... anywhere medical does that to me!  Except when I was nursing... I could do that and loved being there for others. 
 
I remember once many years ago, going to a dentist and there was a young dentist standing in for my usual dentist on the day.  Because I don’t have health insurance, I have to take what I can get unless I pay which I am going to have to do this time as I did in February.  Anyway, on my file, it must have been written how scared I was, so this new dentist decided he would help to lighten up the mood... he lent over the top of me and said in a mysterious voice... “Tell me all your secrets”... Well... what followed was a crazy scene from some ER drama movie, because I had an instant flashback panic attack... so bad that they were rushing in with an emergency trolley and trying to stabilise me and get me to breathe properly again.  I’m sure they thought I was having a heart attack.  It was totally ridiculous... the poor man, looking very pale, never said another word to me that day until he was done... hahaaaa!  I can laugh about it today, but at the time it was no joke.  I wonder if he still has flashbacks about it... hahaa!
 
Oh well... I’m going to have to pluck up the courage somehow to go visit the dentist again if I want this tooth fixed and I pray I will find someone to come with me on the day. 
 
God help me please!
 
I’ll share how it went when I go and hopefully this time I will be ok... I’m working on it, because if just thinking of phoning him has given me this throbbing headache, then I don’t think I should chance driving there and back alone!
 
More to come...
 
~ Pana