Conversation a Friend ~ 11 ~ Response to last two blog posts: How Dare They!... (10Feb16) & My Kaleidoscope... (11Feb16)

Friend:  WOW Pana.  I identify SO much with your poems.  Our abusers did a "good" job in getting all the negative words they spoke & the physical abuse SO deeply ingrained in us.  ‎It feels at times that I will never feel completely & truly loved & accepted for who I am.  I don't even know who I am. 
 
We have been scarred for life.  Our walls of protection are so high & quite overwhelming at times that we are so afraid of letting them down as they have become our comfort & what we know for sure.  Everyone is suspicious for trying to get too close. 
 
Will the negative effects ever go away?  Do you ever get complete & total healing?  That is the million dollar question. 
 
Thank you for sharing my friend.
 
Those are also special childhood memories of your Kaleidoscope & your microscope.  Those are special memories to share with your grandchildren.  Very sad that your Mom gave them away though.  Really hope that you can get another microscope.  That would be wonderful.
 
Really hope & pray that you can get your book published.  I would love to read it. 
 
May you be blessed abundantly my friend...
 
Pana:  Thank you for your sweet message dearest Friend... it means a lot to me that you take the time to read some of my blog posts and even to let me know.  I wonder sometimes who else ever reads them and I’m grateful for all my personal friends like you, who do let me know... I know in my heart that there must be others out there who read and identify with what I share and it makes it feel all so worthwhile... just hoping that I am making a difference in the world in some way.
 
Thank you sweet friend... Love you lots and hope your day is a beautiful one...
 
Friend:  I do read your blogs Pana.  You write straight from your heart & that means SO much... You are precious to me...
 
Pana:  Dear Friend, our lives mould us into who we are and who we become as we go along, but our personal choices refine us and create in us, who we were born to be, to do what we were born to do. 

Our lives no matter how good or bad, cannot stop us from becoming our very best selves... only we can do that... We must therefore never allow our struggles, born in our pasts to stop us from rising to the challenges of our lives today and in each and every moment in time that is given to us as a NEW opportunity for personal growth and greatness. 

Oh yes, it is often a huge struggle to function and cope because of the effects of the abuses we were subjected to as children, but no matter how hard those struggles, we must never allow them to be excuses for not living our lives optimally NOW.  We did not survive our past or come this far for no good reason... or to be stuck forever in a time-warp with those miseries that grew out of our childhood.

Living optimal human lives is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom.  We can choose our destiny using whatever personal and unique strengths and emotional tools we have at our disposal at any one moment in time. 

We are stronger, more courageous and more brave than we give ourselves credit for... we may not know it yet, but it is true and when we discover this truth, our abilities to rise above our sufferings is phenomenal...

So... why not give each moment in time a chance... why not live with hope in better things to come... why not step outside of our comfort zones and see what life still has to offer us.  We must also step through every door of opportunity that opens to us no matter how much we fear what’s behind each door... and most importantly, be grateful for everything that comes to us in life, good or bad, for we can learn and grow even from the negative aspects of our lives.

There are so many people living with disabilities in this world and achieving remarkable things in their lives regardless of their disabilities.  Some are blind and others are deaf, some are lame, and some are diseased... you and I are adult survivors of child abuse and the effects of that is our disability... but that must not and cannot stop us from achieving remarkable things also in our lives. 

The choice is always ours no matter how difficult our struggles...

Friend:  Thank you for that Pana.  I do understand what you have said.  I do try to make the right decisions which does not always work. I do also know that we are survivors of our abuse & that we are able to be there for others because of what we have been through. 
 
Sometimes when things don't make complete sense you don't always remember that you went through the things you did & survived for the purpose of being there for others later in your life. Most times I get overwhelmed with dealing with my past.  Things have been SO deeply hidden in my subconscious mind & when dealing with it as an adult now it really hard.  Most times I don't understand why God let me survive to end up as an adult having to deal with the abuse BUT I hope & pray that I can touch someone else's life because of what I have experienced. 
 
I know that there are others worse off than me, so I feel selfish feeling the way I do.  Walking the road of healing is rewarding but also painful. ‎ Thank you for always being so open about what you have been through.  I relate to what you do & have felt. 
 
You are an inspiration to me.  Thank you.  May God continue to take you from strength to strength.  You are a light of hope to know that healing & touching others is possible.  You are SO precious Pana.  Love you lots xx
 
Pana:  Bless you dear Friend and thank YOU.  One should NEVER compare their sufferings with that of others.  When it comes to being an adult survivor of child abuse, our struggles are so unique, because our inner-selves (inner child), continues to exist in a perpetual state of suffering, emotional pain, longings, fears, trapped anger and untrusting as a result of child abuse.

We did not all experience the same degree of abuse, nor did out abuse all come from the same person playing the same twisted mind games, etc. on us.  We did not have the same support structure to help us to trust again in the world, or to feel "properly" and truly loved... the way the love for a child is supposed to be... unconditional, clean and pure without ulterior motives.  One child may have suffered worse abuses than we did, yet had a wonderful loving support structure of other caring, "true" adults who never faltered in their unconditional love for them, while another child whose abuser did less to them, may have suffered greater effects, because their support structure from other adults was lacking. 

It is devastating and so debilitating to a child’s mind and spirit to have no voice... no one to turn to... no one who will listen... no shoulder to cry on... no true loving arms and gentle reassuring mentor to hold them tight and make them feel safe again...

We also all have different thresholds and strengths... We cannot condemn a fellow abuse sufferer as weak, if they find it more difficult than ourselves to drag themselves up from the depths of the misery and struggle caused by abuse...

We know how hard it is to carry on in the "adult world" with our own inner-child struggles still going on... who are we to judge anyone else and who are we to judge even our “selves” when we exist with an inner-child.

Some people just don't know how strong they are yet... others have no idea how to escape their torment... some need guidance and others need courage... almost all need loads of reassurance... (a constant supply of never ending reassurance)... and every one of us needs to know that we ARE unconditionally LOVED and that someone truly believes in us! (all the truths our abusers stole from us).

You and I have something we can give no matter how big or small "our unique gift" to the world is.  We can make a difference and it is our responsibility to do so... more than anything else, not matter what stage of healing or suffering we are at, we can still always, always give of our LOVE... if that's all we can give of ourselves in the end, then we have given much.  With even just a smile as we pass someone by on the street, we could change a life and maybe even save a life in that single moment in time...

“When a person does a good deed, it has the effect of changing the whole world for the better” ~ Rabbi Ephraim Becker.

... I honestly believe this...
 
So dear Friend, there is no comparing or feeling selfish for how you experience your struggles... our struggles have nothing to do with anyone else’s.  But what we have gained from our experience, in the form of understanding, empathy compassion and unconditional love for other child abuse sufferers is all that matters, and of course, what we DO, with what we have come to know about how it feels and how it messes relentlessly with our lives.

If we did nothing with what we learned from our experience, then our lives and sufferings would have been wasted, as if we have allowed our inner child to be forever given over into the hands of our abusers who would have then been successful in keeping what they stole from us when we were too small to fight back or prevent what they were doing.

NO!  We cannot let “them” keep our power and the key to the miserable, dark, lonely, scary dungeon within where they once locked up our inner child in a moment where their own selfishness and will to power overwhelmed us completely and stole away our carefree childhood and peace of mind and so much more.

We do have an adult side now, and one that can look objectively on the reality of our situation... we can now choose to fight back for our lives, against what happened to us, even in every moment of our continuing struggle. 

We may never be able to STOP their torture on our minds and bodies, but we can transcend what they did and take back our power to NOW do something about it in our personal fight against such atrocities being inflicted on others.
 
This is our revenge on what they did to us... to become everything they were not to us that we desperately needed them to be... and to reclaim what was OURS by giving to others what we missed out on in our childhood, no matter what the odds and struggles of our own lives...
Unconditional love, true friendship, and everything that is good, beautiful and true, that we have developed within our unique selves to now share and give to others.

Let the title of "SELFISH" rest rather with those who WERE... let the "GUILT AND SHAME" rest with those who committed their atrocities against us when we were children.  Let them OWN the "BLAME" for every struggle we have ever known... and let US take back our power and rise in COURAGE and STRENGTH to now do what we KNOW is RIGHT, GOOD, BEAUTIFUL and TRUE to continuously and where necessary counter their negative influence in our life FOREVER MORE.
We are NOT our abusers, or our abuse... “THEY” MUST NOT WIN!!!
 
‘FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT’ TO BE ‘ME’!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I sometimes ponder upon my ‘haunting fears’,
I know ‘they’ were created since my difficult youth,
I wonder how I came so far with ‘them’,
For they exist, as plain as the truth!
 
I know I’m a special woman today,
I believe in the ‘LOVE’ of my heart,
Yet still the ‘fears’ haunt me so often,
And I’m sure ‘they’ will never depart!
 
I’ve learnt to expect ‘them’ - My burden,
To carry with me through all my days,
And although faith has made ‘them’ less frightening,
‘They’ still insist on ‘their’ ways!
 
‘They’ so want to rule who I am,
And control my destiny,
But I know all ‘their’ tricks and ‘their’ games,
And I will keep fighting, "The Good Fight’ to be ‘ME’!
 
(28 March 2002)
 
Friend:  Thank you SO much Pana. I guess that I do compare myself too much with others. Yes we all have experienced different forms of abuse & it has affected us in different ways. 
 
I agree that we can't let our abusers win in any way whatsoever.  I have to fight for ME.  Thank you for understanding & always listening.  You have SO much compassion & understanding of what others feel from the effects of abuse.  Thank you for allowing Abba to use you to bless others. 
 
I thank Abba for blessing you into my life.  May He continue to take you from strength to strength.  You are precious my friend.  Never, ever forget that.
 
I also agree with what you have said.  We can't judge one another for how much we can handle or not able to handle.  We are all SO different. 
 
Thank you for your love & support, it means SO SO much to me. May you truly be blessed abundantly...
 
Pana:  Love you dear Friend... thank you...