Conversation with a friend 4 ~ Honouring the name we got stuck with

Posted 14 September 2015 ~ 

Conversation in response to the post I made on 6 September – (Patty’s Keys – My name is Panayiota)- used with permission.

Friend: ... I totally understand your feelings about your name because although I have a different issue about mine, it was something that made me deeply unhappy for as long as I can remember.

I was named after my disgusting abusive father!  And growing up many people would shorten my name to one that they also called him!!!  I wanted NO association with that evil, aggressive, alcoholic, sexual abuser, but I just could never escape it!

When I moved to a new area, I unofficially changed my first name to a new one, so that every new person I met would call me that instead. However, for official reasons as an immigrant, I had to keep my birth name. Then in about 2006 I decided that I was no longer going to let my father still have any power over a name my mom also had a hand in choosing and she loved my name. Even though my mom is no longer with me on this earth, I felt as if I was disrespecting her. So therefore I have come to accept my name. I may not like it but I’ve disassociated myself and my name from a man that doesn't deserve another thought from me. When you, and then quite a few of our mutual friends, started calling me by a sweet, shortened version of my name, I just loved it and it genuinely is very precious to me! So even though you didn't know a thing about my issue with my name, you singlehandedly made me feel special by calling me that, thank you!

Pan:  It's such a comfort for some reason, to find someone else in the world who knows how invisible and not-belonging one feels when they carry a name that they don't identify with and that hurts when they are called it.  Oh my goodness me, I am totally with you on what you have shared!  How sad that you had to live with “the discomfort” in bearing that name for so long.  Not being able to see or hear just how beautiful your name actually really is, because of the unfortunate association you had with its origin.

When I was an adolescent and my mother married my child-molesting stepfather, she changed name entirely to “Patricia Jooste”.  Not only was the first name NOT mine, but I was also forced to take on his surname, and that was the name I was known by at school for the entire time she was married to him.  A cruel and heartless abuser who did the most terrible things to me each and every day for the sake of his own warped pleasure!

And again, it was the same with my surname from my second marriage that everyone now knows me by.  I too desperately wanted to change it after my divorce, but I have three boys with that name, so decided to rather bring honour upon the name my “wonderful sons” carry, instead of worrying about its history.

Perhaps you are doing the same in your own way, without realising it... with your good and kind heart, and your strengths to get through each day, you are bringing honour to YOUR NAME... which no longer connects in any way, or represents in any way the awful man you were named after.  Continue to make it your quest and let this be your vengeance over your past... your VICTORY... to make your name shine bright for the entire world to see.

Can you imagine if you could write your own book... the courage is in you, I am sure of it.  Or, think of something you have always been longing to do that would bring honour to your name so that "his" connection to it would be lost forever, because he could never match up to the victorious blessing you brought to “your name”.

In my eyes you have long ago already done that in so many ways and I honour you as my friend.  I have seen you going the extra mile for others at times when you were suffering so much yourself.  

Abou Ben Adhem

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And too the presence in the room he said:
"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered: "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay, not so."
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerily still, and said: "I pray thee, then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow men."
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blest,
And lo! - Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.

[Written over 160 years ago by a British poet and essayist Leigh Hunt.]

You remind me of this poem above... one of my most favourite poems ever.  Read it and see yourself in it.  Rejoice in your beautiful name that will continue to make you strong as the defiant power of your human spirit works even more to bring honour to what was once a representation of your brokenness... 

Patty was once a representation of my brokenness... but now her name defiantly takes a place of honour in my life.  I am using her name in honour and respect for the little girl who once bore it in all her sufferings at the cruel hands of her abusers.  She can now stand tall and proud of her courage and strength to have made it so far already.  Patty is a survivor, just as your little inner child... locked up inside of you for too long already, is still surviving.  Your dearest lovely adult-self can now begin work to set her beloved inner-self free at last.

You have NOTHING anymore to be ashamed of as far as your name goes... NOTHING AT ALL!  Let your light shine for the entire world to see... it’s such a lovely, warm, bright light and I know that all who know and love you would agree wholeheartedly.

No name can dictate who we really are deep down inside... sticks and stones my friend... sticks and stones!