CONVERSATION WITH A FRIEND ~ 6 ~ Why does kindness make me cry...

~ Posted 6 October 2015 ~

Written in response to previous post: Neighbourly Love ~ 2 ~

Friend:  We both seem to suffer badly from our nerves and insomnia and that combination is so hard to bear at times! I do hope that u are resting as much as possible in-between yr chores and also yr life changing work!!

Pana:  It sure is hard to bear at times... but I'm feeling and sleeping a lot better again... just too busy and always tired... maybe the low blood pressure causes the tiredness, but then I've always suffered from being tired “all the time”, even when I had high BP before I changed my diet and lost so much weight.

Friend:  I can't believe u too find it difficult to ask for help and/or accept offers of kindness  because that's EXACTLY how I am!! I’ve always been like that!!

Pana:  Isn't it great when we find out that we can identify with others... that we're not the only one and it's actually normal for people like us to have these feelings, but that if we can understand them better we can work on them and hopefully begin to feel more worthy, happy, etc. by receiving love and kindness from others.

Friend:  One example: In SA I once worked as Practise Manager for a Urologist and General Surgeon. I worked incredibly hard but adored my job. I would often take work home too. My kids were still young then so when they went to bed, I would do my work. I never gave it a thought. I wasn't asked to do it, I just did. That's just how I am.

Pana:  ME TOO!  If we are made to feel genuinely valued, needed, good enough, (script message: good girls), we thrive... (script result: People pleasers)... (script message: Making mommy/daddy [our abuser] happy)... and our world becomes lighter and we somehow have more energy and drive.  That's how I am with this job that I'm doing now.  Almost everyone in my LogoWorld seems to think I'm doing a good job and I “believe” that they mean it... and so my confidence is boosted as is my energy levels to keep at it even though it takes hours from my days and other things I could or even should be doing, i.e. remembering to water my garden regularly... so other areas suffer... because those areas aren't as fulfilling or as motivating to me anymore as this area where I feel I am unconditionally appreciated, accepted, even loved for all that I am doing here.

Friend:  Then one day my boss calls me into the office and hands me an envelope.  I opened it and in it was a card and a cheque. They wrote in the card and thanked me for my hard work, diligence and being so caring towards the patients and they said they are giving me an extra week's holiday plus a cheque for a R1000 and booked me and the kids in at a animal petting farm and spa place, all expenses paid plus travel expenses. That was in 1987 so a R1000 was a lot of money then!! I was so shocked and said this can't possibly be for me?? But it was!! It made me cry because I not once thought I was owed anything or expected anything. That is just one example!!  It truly isn't how big or small the gift of kindness is but the mere thought that someone considered u special enough to help u!!

Pana:  So true... it’s the genuine “meaning intention” behind the gift that counts most to us.  My mother, who was also abused severely as a child, often said that she wanted to write a book called, "Why does kindness make me cry"... I understand completely why she had that title in mind now.

It's because as little children, we learnt on an deeply emotional level that if our abuser was being kind, then there was usually an ulterior motive... or, we soon learnt that the kindness was not going to last... we learnt we couldn’t trust their kindness and that something horrible would soon follow.
 
This negative script messages that we adopted from our learning from “their” devious behaviour then, now adversely affects the here and now of our lives greatly.  Too much kindness now often overwhelms us with mixed up emotions and even scares us.  

If the person is too kind, then they have allowed themselves or we have allowed them to get too close.  The immediate trigger emotion for me is a fear that I might lose them if they are too close... I don’t know if it is the same for you... that they will see how bad we are (script messages from our past), and they will then begin to hate us and eventually go away from us.  We have learnt from our past that no goodness or kindness lasts... promises aren’t kept or true... we expect everything to crumble and fall eventually, so why allow kindness to happen to us in the first place... the crumbling and falling hurts more than not having the goodness and kindness shown to us in the first place... because that at least we expect. 

What we learnt in our childhood from our abusers was that people don't keep their promises... kindness is just a lie... as soon as it's given, it will soon be taken away again and that hurts more than we can bear... so we can't believe in it... we can't trust it... we can't allow it... (Self-preservation)... we must not allow it!... 

Outsiders won’t always understand this... they will think that because they were kind once, that all should be good always from then on... but it doesn’t work that way.  The script messages don’t change in our head because of one kindness... they are always there threatening our emotional stability.  We might subconsciously perceive the next kindness differently and therefore react differently to it and feel threatened by it.  It’s just so complicated!  How do we expect “the world” to understand any of it?  I can only hope and pray my blog will make some positive difference somewhere and bring some healing to someone out there.

.... so when kindness just happens unexpectedly and we had no time to push it away first to protect ourselves, it overwhelms us, because it feels so incredibly good that it happened at all... but a part of us becomes very torn because of it.
 
We are essentially often unable to process the complexity of mixed up emotions logically... there is a real deficit to some degree or another in our brains communication processes on an emotional level... the emotions bypass the “what would be considered normal” routes in our brain and become mixed up with more negative and threatening (subconscious) thought processes that were invented there by our abusers in our minds as children.

Friend:  There are still good, decent people out there who will think nothing of it to lend a hand or offer money or assistance. It’s incredibly kind and lovely of ur neighbours and ur sister and daughter to help u - when we face so many struggles daily, if just one or two things are taken out of our hands, it does make us so humble and grateful!  We live in a world of such hatred and inconsiderate people that when u come across someone willing to help u on a practical level, it really tugs at yr heart!! Soooo glad people are helping u.

Pana: It is true and thank you for saying that... but I’m sure you would agree that it is very important that we have to feel completely convinced inside of us that the help came unconditionally from the other person’s heart.  That’s the part we so often struggle with.
 
i.e.  Nobody asked my sister to come check on me that evening and I never expected her to arrive so late in the evening to do that for me.  And, nobody asked my neighbours to come out when they heard my sister in the carport when she was checking on my car battery... Nobody asked them to get so involved and even their friend came from elsewhere to help with a complete stranger’s car.
 
As a result, I was totally convinced of their true intention to help me that evening... just as I was when my daughter and son in law said they would help when they heard about my dead car battery.  Nobody asked them to help... the WhatsAp message just arrived on my phone, “We will help with the battery”... I gave my son in law the money for the new battery on Sunday night and by last night he had put in the new one already and my car is now going.  They came out of their way to do that for me... it was unexpected and I saw and felt it as unconditional love. 

That is the only kind of love that I can trust completely now... like when my friend, Mary-Anne arrived one day with a load of groceries for me, because she just knew we needed assistance that month.  She had offered previously, but I had said no and that family and church would be there for me... but, she just arrived... it was so unexpected and so appreciated.

These are the kindnesses that are most meaningful to me, because they say to me... “Pana... you are worthy... you are visible... you are an important part of our world and we love you.” That’s the kind of kindness I can fully believe in and accept today... the kind that I can trust completely... the kind that restores my trust in humanity and even my trust in living and imbues my heart with humility and gratitude.

Friend:  My heart sings with joy for u that these gifts make a difference however large or small.  Accept with a gracious smile of thanks and remember they wouldn't be helping if they didn't care or didn't want to!! Now if I only could take my own advice!!! LOL!

Pana:  Yes... learning to accept kindness and goodness in no matter what form it comes in, and ultimately learning to trust it, is the goal we need to work on continuously.  Accepting gifts from others is as important as giving to others.  I am becoming more aware of my emotional conflicts and I’m gradually getting there.  Healing is happening.

Thank You for inspiring this conversation which we can now share with others who might also identify.

~  Pana

If anyone reading this does identify, please send a comment on my “contact" page.  It would be so good to hear from you :)