Holding onto any semblance of true and unconditional love

~ Written: June 7, 2016... then forgot to post ~

It's an awful loss when this happens. Often an adult survivor of child abuse is prone to doing this to “test the love” of those whose love we need and want most in our lives
 
Many of us did not know unconditional love from those who should have loved us when we were a child, and “they” so often rejected and betrayed our love for them and therefore, we learnt that we could not believe in them or their love, or trust in them or it…
 
So how can we KNOW unconditional love, trust it and believe in it now?  
 
This is something we need to be very aware of in our adulthood and how it still affects us and our lives and those around us, because every loss of a loyal loved one is experienced by the “broken inner-child psyche” of the adult survivor, literally as if it were a death of a beloved, leaving us with a sense of real and reinforced-hopelessness that apparently can never be healed...
 
An awful flashback in time to the same experience the inner-child once knew as an abused child... unloved, unwanted, empty, neglected, abandoned and totally unworthy of unconditional love, etc.
 
It is often then, that we just give up on the pursuit of love, because it feels so futile... as if it cannot be achieved no matter how hard we try... It is easy then to give up hope and belief in love completely... banish our "Cinderella dreams" to the wilderness of our lonely existence, withdraw and maybe even become a recluse…  
 
Thankfully I learned enough from seeing how serious childhood abuse had affected my mother’s functioning in this world that I try to use what I learned to help myself and to protect those around me from my “BROKEN-SELF”.
 
Mother became what I call, “A bottomless pit of bitterness” … not matter how much we tried to love her and do for her, it was never enough… she could not even trust in the love of her own children and would manipulate relentlessly for love, speak of love, etc., but then just totally reject whatever portion was given to her once it no longer served her purpose.  She could never truly accept “True Love” in her life… whenever it came too close she’d CRUSH it, with her,
 
“I’ll get you, before you get me” attitude to life. 
 
I don’t want to end up like her… I have to keep giving LOVE a chance… I have to keep trying to believe in it… and I have to somehow find a way to feel and be worthy of True and Unconditional LOVE… I have to give ME a chance… because I know how much my mother’s behaviour of rejection and neglect has hurt me and still to this day she hurts us, because she is totally unable to love even her own children or believe in our love for her.
 
So sad… so terribly, terribly sad! 
 
I once wrote:
 
MOTHER - IT COULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL!
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Why do you hurt me so?  Why won’t you ever give up?
Why do you hate me so much, and drink from your own bitter cup?
Why do you twist all my truths and cause lies to strengthen your will?
When will you ever give up your useless fight?  When will you have your fill?
Why do you so need to possess everything that I love?
Why must you own and control all?  When will it ever be enough?
Why can’t you just love me, your daughter, and accept me for who ‘I’ am?
Why do you want all that I have?  For you, life’s just a taking game!
You cannot be ‘me’ or have my life!  You cannot control my destiny!
You have to live in your own life!  Oh mother… why can’t you see?
You’re a bottomless pit of lost hope that can never be filled - no matter what!
Mother you’ll always be empty, even if I gave my whole lot!
How deep are the dungeons of your life?  How dark and lonely your pit?
Where does your damaged child hide there?  Where in you, alone does she sit?
If the whole world threw in all of its love and every rich jewel, you were given,
You still could never be filled, and you’d still need more to believe in!
Your fight would never be over!  Your pain would never be gone!
No light could ever reach your lost child, where once pure, sweet innocence shone!
Abuse destroyed your faith; it crushed your dreams and your hope!
Forever alone in your dungeon, you will burn everything your lost child tries to grope!
You’ll never be able to trust in any true gift, given to you,
Because revenge is your loyal master and bitterness keeps on eating at you!
Your child is so lost and afraid!  Your emptiness, so vast and so cold!
Your dungeon is so deep and dark, because all your true gifts have been sold!
You sold them for lies and deception!  You manipulated and twisted them sore!
You threw them away like filthy trash and then you burned them to their core!
If only you could have accepted your precious gifts, you could have used them to build a ladder of hope,
Friendship could have knocked down those bitter walls and joy could have sent down a rope,
Love could have lit up your dungeon so brightly, that your child could finally see,
And mother, it could have been wonderful, because at last, you might have loved me!
 
(1 January 2003)
 
My message: Child abuse is a terrible… TERRIBLE thing and each one of us needs to stand up against it please to prevent such pain and suffering in this world! 
 
~  Pana
 
If you identify in any way with what I share, please share your stories with me on my contacts (not public) which will take your letter to my private contact e-mail address which nobody else will be able to see and will remain confidential unless you give permission in writing for me to share our conversation anonymously or otherwise on my blog… thank you.