Mountain Top Experiences:

Keep Moving On
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It’s very hard to be alive in this cruel and lonely world
I wonder what it would be like if I was already cured
Would I be able to stop worrying about what people think of me
And be at peace and have more hope for all the world to see
If I could only speak in crowds, just think of the good I could do
Where will I find the courage or the strength to get me through
I must not give up!  I have to try!  I have to keep moving on
I have so much to live for now and a place where belong

(27th March, 2011)

Somehow, I did manage to go on regardless of the struggle I had with my recent past.  I can only put it down to the truth, that having true purpose and meaning in my life was a very powerful and motivating force that kept me moving forward.

I remember the last day of the third year or my Logotherapy studies at the end of 2011, when I was to do my exam workshop presentation; I arrived at the university, petrified!  This would be the first time I would have to stand up in front of my class to present the results of my years’ work.  

I had always been  nervous in class, so much so, that I’d often arrive in tears, so unconfident I was in my ‘self’... after all, who was I to be attending a university with all these ‘cleverer-than-me’ people!  I could never succeed... I could never match up to ‘them’... I was an idiot... my abuser’s idiot... my mother’s idiot!  So strong where the script messages from my past, that I still believed them, even in my 50’s!  

So, it was very hard for me to make the decision to get up that morning on the 22nd November 2011, the day before my 55th birthday.  I had hardly slept the night before I worried so much about how I was going to be able to do my presentation with all those other students and trainers staring at me... expecting something from me... expecting intelligence from me... how would I be able to do it!

As I climbed the university steps leading to the entrance of the building, I may as well have been walking on another planet, the gravity felt so strong that I could hardly lift my legs due to the weight of my fears.  And then there was that long corridor to my classroom.  I don’t remember too much more. I remember entering the classroom aware of others in there... my supervisor Henry, coming to take the disc from me so that he could set up... I remember wanting to run, but telling myself, “You’ve come this far and you’ve worked so hard, you must see this through now!”  Then I remember vaguely doing my presentation.  I had prepared very well and with my artistic abilities and computer skills, I was told that my presentation was beautifully done, which gave me some confidence in sharing it that day.  I had pictures on it and animations and had put a lot of love into it.

The only other thing I remember about that day was all the clapping afterwards, like even a standing ovation... haahaaahaa!!!... and hearing my top supervisor’s voice exclaiming, “This is going to Israel!” 

Teria, our course director invited me to present my work in Israel on a two week holiday!  My life was about to change once again, forever.  

“Frankl contends that our will to meaning is the distinguishing feature of our humanness and that it is deeper and more powerful than any other kind of motivation.  ‘It is a characteristic constituent of human existence that it transcends itself, that it reaches out for something other than itself’ (Frankl 1969:51)”
(Shantall 2003:37) ~ The Quest for Destiny  

“Frankl (1967) contended that it is indispensable to mental well-being to experience the tension between how things are at the moment and what they could or should or promise to be like; to experience the tension between being and meaning, that is, “meanings to fulfil or values to realize”” (Shantall 2002:19) ~  Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

Since that incredible “mountain top” day when I presented for the very first time to my study group, I have presented to numerous other groups all over.  Presenting in Israel to two groups, and in Dallas Texas for the Logotherapy World Congress, was truly an “impossible dream” come true for me... proving that no matter how convinced we are of the impossible... it can still become possible... we just need to believe in “LIFE” enough to give “ourselves” a chance... take those courageous steps forward, even way outside of our comfort zone to do what we never thought possible... to become who we were always meant to be... to do what we were always meant to do.  What a surprise my life has become in my 50’s... I’m still in awe of all the positive changes and opportunities I have been given and continue to be given!

Tomorrow, Thursday 27th August, I once again stand up in front of a group to present to them on a subject I am so very fired up about “Logotherapy Dream Interpretation”... I will be adding a new dimension to it by discussing the “daydream worlds” of child abuse victims and survivors.  Because it’s a little used or known subject, I go with a little trepidation that it might not be understood or received with the passion that I feel about it and wish to put across to all there.  Old fears are niggling at my mind... lack of confidence... and the ugly, negative voices from my past still trying to put me down...

Well guess what... I won’t let “them” win anymore... I BELIEVE in what I am going to present tomorrow, and I believe in it enough to take the chance on “just arriving” to deliver what has become so meaningful to me... I’m ok with that and still moving forward...

~ Pana