My Kaleidoscope – A magical way to escape my longings and pain...

~ Posted: 11 February 2016 ~
 
In my book which I hope to publish someday, I have written about my favourite childhood belongings ever, and one was my kaleidoscope, the other was my microscope. 
 
Just recently I was able to find a "good" kaleidoscope and recapture one of my most favourite childhood memories... Now I just need to find a doctor who will give me his old microscope... I'd be on cloud 9 with joy if I could have one again that was as good as my old one which magnified everything 800 times!  It was absolutely incredible what I could see through it... amazing!
 
My childhood microscope was a “real one”, not one of these awful cheap children’s toys one can buy today that fall to pieces and hurt your eyes to look through.  
 
I used to spend hours and hours as a child lost (from all my troubles) in both of these wonderful treasures of mine that brought magic and wonder and even hope into my mind and heart, to replace the dark horrors of my daily life as an abused child. 

I'd love to share my best and happiest memories with my grandchildren.
 
Collecting and labelling my beautiful gemstones was another of my favourite childhood treasures that was taken away from me by my mother one day on a whim, and just given to another child right in front of me!  I had no say that day... mother’s wishes always came first.  The less she knew about what I loved, the less she could take away from me... I was to love her, and her alone above all else, and if I tried to love anything or anyone more, it/they would soon be taken from me or destroyed in front of me.
 
The greatest treasure she could ever have given me and the one I longed for most from her all through the years, was for her love... but it was always to be denied me!  
 
For 50 years I yearned and ached for my mother’s love...
 
...Then one day, I was finally able to see the truth for the very first time... her love for me was never to be... and so I let go, at last of my futile lifelong dream.
 
I have never felt freer than I have since that "AWAKENING" day.
 
~ Pana