SILENCED AGAIN! ~ Some things NEVER change!!!

~ Posted 05 May 2016 ~
 
Another picture quote posted by a friend on Facebook today which inspired the following:
 
Facing this very week with my mother's vengeful and hurtful games once again!
Manipulating and using her puppets to do her “dirty work” again, knowing full well the effects of her actions and loving every minute of "the game" (I’ve seen her playing such games all through my life)... Even in her 70's she still can't let go of her relentless need to "get back at the world" for the suffering she knew as an abused child.  You’d think that in her 70's, she’d want to leave this world with some shred of integrity and dignity... but no chance... NOT HER!!!  She would never allow herself to give her children, her frail 85 year old ex and those others she hates so much at least “her last years in peace”.
 
I once wrote while I still had hope:
 
MOTHER, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?
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What part of your mask is really ‘you’ mom,
What part can I trust?
What part is true?
Is there anything about you at all,
That I can believe in today?
That I can hold onto,
So I can say one day with joy,
‘I HAD A REAL MOM’!
 
What good things can I truly say about you
When day is done?
Please mom, just give me some!
Don’t curse my life forever, without you!
Don’t leave only bitter memories,
That keep me feeling blue!
Hear the child within me,
Still crying out for your love!
Accept her reaching arms,
For she will forever need ‘her mom’.
 
Don’t deny her the joy,
Or the comfort she’s always longed for,
Don’t keep destroying the dreams she’s dreamed.
NO MORE OF YOUR MANIPULATIONS!
NO MORE OF YOUR GAMES!
 
Why do you hate me so?
Oh, Mother!
WHY?
 
(14 September 2004)
 
I don’t have hope anymore! In my 50’s I finally grew past hoping to find her love when she rejected me for the last time in 2013.
 
But I have learned that it's no good trying to convince anyone who doesn’t know her like we know her with "our side of the story as we lived it, suffered it and continue to live and suffer it"... they wouldn't believe us anyway!   
 
She’s far too clever for that... far... far too clever!
 
It was the same with my therapist who hurt me so much... nobody believed me about the abuse she inflicted on me during therapy with her constant and forceful need to push her religion on me... trapping me in corners of her practice and overpowering me with her determined task of insisting I'd go straight to the burning fires of hell if I did not convert from my religion to hers... (the therapist is “ALWAYS” right!!!)... I was once again SILENCED just as I was by my mother when I was a child... just as I still am now...
 
My therapist turned into my mother!!!  I felt the same intense disappointments and fears as I did when I was a child, and when my mother succeeds in hurting me today with her never-ending games, my mind immediately links also with the hurt that my therapist inflicted on me... they are one and the same...
 
But WHO cares... NOBODY!

NOBODY heard me when I was a child... and nobody heard me when I started to "self-injure" as a result of what my therapist was doing to me...

“THEY” got away with what they did and they are still getting away with it!

They have no idea how much they have fuelled the fire in me (the defiant power of my human spirit) to continue to move forward with my own integrity and dignity... my own grace and patience... my own determination to prove that I was never who they accused me of being with their lies...
 
TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LOVE INTACT... refusing to hate, even them... because if I did... I would have become like them...
 
I will NEVER let that happen!

Some people will forever never believe in me because of "them"... but it's ok... I'm past that reality now...

I know who I am... I am a good person and I have a God who I know loves me and KNOWS the truth... and that's enough!
 
To all those who have ever believed in me unconditionally, without me ever having to convince them with manipulations and lies like my mother’s and therapist’s... thank you so much. 
 
YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS
 
With Gratitude and Love beyond words...
 
~ Pana
 
Following:  a sad poem written by my sister (11 months younger than I), when she finally realised that her lifelong longing for our mother’s love was totally futile... (posted with permission).
 
MY SOUL CRIES OUT IN SORROW
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My soul cries out in sorrow,
Tears fall from its very core
The loss of love from a mother
A woman I will always adore.
 
My heart cries out for you mom,
You have missed out on my life
The times of good and sorrow
Your rejection cuts like a knife
 
But I will go on praying for you
I will ask my dear Lord Jesus
To always be there beside you
And to constantly guide you through
 
As I move into my middle age
I look back to my past
And as I turn each fragile page
I know my destiny is cast
 
No loving mom to cuddle me
To share my secret hurts
No future vision do I see
A great loss, a misery.
 
(7 July 2000)
 
My mother hated our brother also... she had nothing to do with him when he was alive, because of his homosexuality and she caused him nothing but heartache also with her cruel rejection. 

Her children never knew their mother’s love.