THE DESPERATE NEED TO BELONG IS NOT "YOUR" FAULT ~ THE WORK TO BELONG IS "OURS"

~ 22 October 2015 ~

I wrote this whole conversation as a result of this one picture quote that I saw on a Facebook friend’s page today!

Oh YES!  This is one of the best I’ve seen in a long time!  Just this last weekend when I was once again struggling with depression and even deep depression and “those destructive thoughts” again, missing being with my family so much, I wrote:
 
Another Weekend Alone
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The days are so long
They drag on
They drag on
Where is my family
Why do I ask
They’re visiting theirs
I feel so alone
The air feels dead
My thoughts are lost
In my dull empty head
And the days just drag on
And on and on and on
I long for my family
But I don’t really belong
 
(17 October 2015 ~ Another weekend alone at home... it’s not different to any other day... but for some reason, I feel lonelier on weekends, because I know my family are not at work and they’re also not with me either... they’re with each other... and theirs)
 
Now this doesn’t mean I suddenly want family to remember me on weekends... I get a lot of catching up on work done on weekends, and also, because it would not feel real if family felt they had to entertain me on weekends.  This is not about that or even about them...  It’s about those times when the depression overtakes and negative intrusive thoughts and feelings take over... take me back to my childhood where there had to be times when I felt totally forsaken by the world... invisible and not important enough to those who I felt were very important to me... those I needed most... “in the moment”. 
 
Those thoughts and feelings still infect my mind constantly... it just is what it is... there are days I desperately need friends, but “I feel I can’t call on them”, because I’m too sad to be good company... I would just make them miserable too. 
 
So really... the choice to be alone in such depressing circumstances is my own, because of a number of factors like that and...
 
Depression takes me back to that place where I was not worthy enough to be loved... to where I knew didn’t belong... etc.
 
Do you ever feel this sad and alone at times... as if the whole world has forgotten you... as if it would be better if you didn’t belong anyway, because... if it’s so hard to live with yourself at times, how on earth could you expect anyone else to?  At times like this, it’s so important to really work hard on understanding our own emotions... where are they really coming from... what are they really saying... are they today’s truths, or are they lies from the past still infecting us... and... what can I do to help myself through “this”... to heal from it... to stop it happening in the first place?
 
So... this is not about blaming others for what we are going through... this is a genuine struggle people like me have at times and it’s one we have to keep pulling through in order to find the true love, acceptance and joy that DOES exist “somewhere outside of ourselves”... outside of our own broken emotional downer times.
 
On Sunday morning, the depression still hadn’t left, so I deliberately made the decision to go to church to be with others... taking action to help myself.  And to top the day off on a really positive note, my daughter invited my son, Andrew and I out for Sunday lunch and we had such a lovely, relaxing time with her.  
 
I am pretty good at wearing the appropriate positive mask when I need to until my true emotional state stabilises.

No one would ever know the truth of the emotions behind my mask, not unless something happens to cause my mask to crumble and fall off... it can happen in an instant... most of my masks are not held on with very strong glue, but... as long as they are not disturbed in any way, they hold fast usually for as long as needed.  It does take some energy to keep them there though... there’s no denying that.  When I am away from the situation that required the mask and I can at last take it off to reveal my true face, I often feel totally spent.
 
Gladly, the worst of my depression left me as a result of the beautiful time we spent together on Sunday with my daughter for which I am very grateful!    
 
I think what happens is, that being with others when in that state of depression helps to uplift me out of the depression... gives me enough time for emotions to stabilise and set right again in the mind... so... leaving the place where the depression started is a good idea where possible.  Go window shopping... fishing, anything that will help you to find your strength again just by being distracted from your troubles... a way to quieten the voices from the past that so often take over and bring us down again just as they did in the past. 
 
The battle is to fight against the workings of my own mind continuously... when I’m down I don’t feel worthy of love... I don’t feel I belong... etc.  All it would take is a phone call to one of my children... “I need to be out and be with family... can I come”... or to get into my car and go and attend a church activity to be with others... to share, laugh and have fun... but how does one do that when they are already in the state of “unworthiness”... a real emotion that takes over... Instead the urge is much stronger to just curl up inside my little bubble again... but part of me is crying out from in there... “Can’t you see me... can’t you hear me... HELP ME!”  Hence the poem... again... nothing to do with my family not wanting me in their lives, but everything to do with my destructive perceptions during times of emotional struggle...
 
Being aware of one’s struggles is so important... it is the only way we are ever going to defeat our more negative selves!
 
You know that saying... Action speaks louder than words... well, "take action"... it’s worth it for the sake of shortening depressive episodes and even stopping them in their tracks... and for the sake of working more towards the positive rather than allowing the negatives from our past abuses to continuously have so much power over us! 
 
(It’s as if the “abusers work” is NEVER done in us... How can we let them have so much power for so long... it has to STOP... We have to find a way to take back our power!  To reclaim from them what was always ours!  Not by deliberately hurting them back, because then we are no better than them... but by transcending our struggles to become victorious over them... to rise above what “they” should never have done to us in the first place)
 
This is why I say... Healing from child abuse takes VERY HARD work... we have to be consciously aware of it and do something to help ourselves... nobody else in this world can do this “WORK” for us. 
 
This link sent by one of our Logotherapy students to her Trainer arrived in my Outlook Inbox this morning while I was writing my blog post for today... I felt that it needed to be included here as a result.  I felt that it came for a purpose and might touch someone out there reading it just as it has touched me.  It’s beautiful and worth the read! 

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/12/opinion/sunday/david-brooks-the-moral-bucket-list.html?_r=3&referer