What I’d give for a ‘normal’ life... whatever ‘normal’ is!!!

Posted:  10 December 2015
 
I had such a bad day yesterday, but decided not to mention it to anyone while it was happening.  Again, I think I am still struggling with an adrenaline overload... anxiety/stress/lack of sleep/whatever causing too much adrenaline to be pumped into my system constantly, causing adrenaline fatigue... or something!  I don’t even have time to study up on the internet to see if I can find more answers there. 
 
On Friday I think it was, I had a really nasty turn where I could feel the feeling of a fine vibration in my body going on all day and then suddenly, just after my grandchildren and a visitor left in the evening, my body seized... the muscles in my back and abdomen seemed to go into a tight knot and I felt positively uncomfortable and ill like I was close to bringing up and collapsing... I had to stop what I was doing and go and lie down to try and completely relax to help myself!!!  It was seriously scary!  Well, the adrenaline is still pumping because I still feel the constant vibration in my body, day and night, and a feeling as if I’m on constant high alert!!! 
 
The night before last I had only 6 ½ hours’ sleep... yesterday by 10h30, I was dissociating and my mind drifting so badly I had to lie down and sleep again... The tiredness was so intense that I could do nothing at all and could barely hold my body up anymore.  I slept for just over 1 ½ hours and thankfully I could function better later, but the sleep was a restless one in which I could feel my body vibrating inside the whole time and it seemed to be concentrated on my heart... palpitations... and it was scaring me.  I believe it was the adrenaline overload... I was unable to relax enough to stop it! 
 
The intense tiredness seems to be with me all the time... I just can’t shake it.  
 
So much to do... so little time... so little energy... and Christmas season doesn’t help one bit.  It has always been an emotional struggle for me... never enough time or money to do or buy what I want to for those I love.  For some reason, Christmas makes me very sad... memories from my past.  Mother suffered from “celebration melancholy”... she would get us all excited about the wonder and magic of Christmas, then just when things seemed so perfect and hopeful, she’d turn into the worst kind of Grinch and our whole worlds would turn upside down yet again.  Everything would turn ugly on us when she let her “monster” out.  It always happened during times of celebration, so, deep down I am still, always subconsciously expecting something to go terribly wrong at times when everything is supposed to be “so right”
 
Patty (my inner child) can no longer believe in the magic and wonder of such times as this... she withdraws into the darkest corners of her miserable dungeon in fear and trepidation, still expecting the worst... (the dungeon her abusers created for her).  I wonder... was it the same for mother... where did her broken inner child go during times of celebration... was this why she was the way she was?  I know that I always tried my very best to give my children a happy time during the holidays and I know I mostly succeeded even though there has always been a financial struggle... I never wanted to be anything like mother and did everything in my power not to be, but...  when I feel Patty’s struggles, I can’t help but wonder what mother’s little inner-child’s struggles must have been like... she was also terribly abused by her own mother and even her father. 
 
Because I am able to consider Mother’s struggle, it is impossible for me to hate her for what she did to my siblings and I even though I cannot ever condone or accept what she did.  I’m suffering today because of the cruel and thoughtless choices she made as my mother.
 
I’ve never had a diagnosis for what’s going on with my adrenaline... I haven’t even been seen to by a professional for my diabetes or gout... I’ve just had to work out for myself what I think is going on and do what I feel is best, because without a medical aid, there’s not much else I can do.  There is a definite element at this time, of just being overwhelmed by all the work with putting student workshops together and attending them at the university... traveling long distances in heavy slow traffic due to extensive roadwork’s along the way... not being sure I will find my way... my TomTom plug faulty and keeps switching off... having to fiddle with it to fix it whilst driving on the highway, feeling panicked in case I miss my turnoff in the process... and even my birthday on 23rd of November, during my most stressful work time of the year, with so many wonderful messages that came in for which I am truly grateful, but feeling I needed to respond to each one... more stress trying to do so... an engagement party to prepare for.  And now, wondering how to buy with so little money, gifts for my beloved grandchildren and other friends and family who celebrate Christmas... no time to make anything... barely time to go shopping... trying to get my ID sorted out still since Home Affairs lost my prints on their system... car roadworthy, licencing and change of ownership... problems each time we go so have to find time to go again...
 
And all this for a person who struggles with agoraphobia!  It’s been very stressful to say the least.  It has always been a struggle to leave my comfort zone, and in times when my routine is turned upside down.  It just doesn’t seem to ever get easier... but I somehow keep on keeping on and doing what must be done, because... I know it must get done!  If I had to run form everything that scares me, then what would be the use... I may as well give up completely! 
 
No... There’s no running!!!  I cannot let that happen!!!
 
I don’t do well in the heat and it’s really very hot weather right now, so I know that also has something to do with the struggle I have to sleep at this time besides my mind being unable to turn off at night.  Lack of sleep is a huge problem for me... I do not function well emotionally during the day when I have not had at least 7 hours sleep at night.  I have had 5-6 hours sleeps only at night for nearly 2 weeks now and it is affecting my-day-to day functioning and work greatly! 
 
Dissociation, tiredness and depression seem to be my biggest struggle each day.  Last night I did manage a 7 hour sleep, so I am doing better today, but still those moments of dissociation where I feel I need to shake my head hard to make it stop.
 
Falling... spiralling down that bottomless rabbit hole again!!! 
 
I’m also taking on the weight of the world again... so many people I love are struggling and many turn to me for comfort.  I love that they do and I need to know I’m needed in this world... that’s what keeps me going... but I still suffer a bit from “save the world syndrome”... I want to help them all and feel helpless that I can’t save them all or, take away or fix their problems for them... 
 
Mostly at this time, I want to be with my sister (in-law), Anne, on the other side of the world.  She is suffering greatly with breathing problems... radiation damaged lungs due to cancer treatment a few years back and now she has just been diagnosed with congestive cardiac failure and needs hospice care... OWEE!  How I wish I could be there for her during this time to help her and love her and just be a companion to her each and every day.  Over all these years, she has been there for me, even from a distance... my most faithful, steadfast, longsuffering friend of all.  All I can do is to pray for her... Please, if you are reading this, please pray with me that my Anne will be loved a lot and be well cared for and will be able to breath comfortably also so that she does not have to suffer more.  I am very grateful to my nephew and niece and all those who I know will be there for her at this time to help her to get strong again.
 
Thank you
~ Pana

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