A Blast from My Past ~ Some peace and healing from where I least expected it!

But still… the haunting… unanswered question remains!

Adapted for this blog post:  I have replaced certain names with initials for now, especially to protect a (stranger/now friend) who intends no harm to her family and whom I feel does not need to be dragged into the ugliness of my past, but who has been there for me as a true blessing and light at this time… (Friend).
 
On 18th February, 2009 - I wrote on a public group Facebook page:
 
I am looking for people from my past... anyone who can help me to remember details of my past... my childhood, etc. I am writing a book. My mother is JRP she was married to PJJ Can anyone help please. Does anyone know the whereabouts of my stepfather!!! Thank you.
 
16Jan20 – 11 years later, my mother (JRP) responds as if I’m a complete stranger, and with an arbitrary response, re: her third husband, that had no meaning for me whatsoever.  I did not respond back to her, because I felt insulted that she could not acknowledge me still.  I also deleted myself off of the group because I choose not to be hurt by her anymore! Her comment below:
 
JRP… Think you may have forgotten BD!
 
But, two days later 18Jan20 – A woman responded… I will call her (Friend).
 
(Friend)… I have a relative called PJJ. He is my (…) I think his first wife was JRP
 
19Jan20 – I went to Messenger to chat with her and found the following message already there.
 
(Friend)... Please contact me about your request looking for PJJ
My number is (…) South Africa.
 
19Jan20 – I responded on (Friend)’s messenger
 
Thank you, (Friend), for responding to my request, re PJJ... I have so many questions... not sure I should even ask.  But when I originally wrote, all I wanted to know was... "Is he still alive!" I do NOT want to be in contact with him... I would love very sensitive questions answered though and don't want to hurt anyone by asking.  Thank you.
 
I waited for her response…
 
How am I feeling right now?  Sick to the core… a lot of anger… grateful to life for finding this evil man… unsure as to what to do with this news now that I have a connection to him!  My immediate thoughts!  “He should be put in jail for what he did to me and possibly my sister also.  His brother raped my sister on more than one occasion, she does not remember what our stepfather might have done to her!  What has he done to other children also... are there more like us out there?

In a rush of confusing emotions and with a desperate need to be rescued from the turmoil inside of me, I wrote the following on my Facebook page 19 Jan 2020.

Migraine headache all afternoon yesterday right through to this morning... tummy not too good yesterday (tummy bug going around) ... My youngest son had it during the week and he was really bad with a temperature of 38.3. Thankfully it was not too bad for me.
 
Migraine lifted quite quickly after I got up am and drank a lot of water this morning... but then deep depression set in... bawling my eyes out! Bewildered at where it had suddenly come from.
 
When I was an adolescent, if I had sudden depression like that whilst living in boarding school, it always turned out that I received some bad news that day... someone died, etc. and I started to believe I had some kind of connection to "goings on" outside of my immediate whereabouts.
 
So, I was able to fight the depression this morning and go to church... late.  Thanks to my sweet granddaughter... my son sent a photo of where she stuck a piece of paper on the pew-seat next to her, with "Seat Taken" written on it and a smiley face... I just had to go when I saw that, so dried the tears up and pulled myself towards myself.

PM... so yesterday on this one FB page... is a response to a post I did in 2009, asking if anyone knew the whereabouts of my child molesting stepfather! All I wanted to know, is if he's still alive, because I had started working on my book at the time.
 
Out of the blue, my mother responded to that post yesterday as if I'm a complete stranger, with some arbitrary comment that had no meaning to me. I would not respond to her after that, because she did not at least try to acknowledge me as her daughter. I also deleted myself as a member on that page.
 
But today, another person responded saying her relative is the person I was looking for... almost eleven years to the day when I first wrote the article and very shortly after I first signed onto Facebook for the sole purpose of finding out information about my past.
 
So now... what do I do with such information... totally perplexed right now. That man should be imprisoned for what he did to myself and possibly my sister too and who knows how many other children. My sister only remembers his brother raping her when we were adolescents... nothing more, but my therapy suggests that our stepfather may have done his evils on her too!
 
If one person says... forgive and forget... or let it go, you will be deleted from my friends list...
 
But does anyone have words to calm the raging inferno that has developed in my head right now.
 
I explained it like this to my long-standing friend on WhatsApp... I feel like I'm encased inside a stone right now... (a picture of Patricia, that I drew in therapy... encased in a brick wall) I feel like a screaming and fighting to escape, but totally helpless and hopeless, so have given up in there... exactly as I was when I was a child... a tightening in my chest... heart palpitations... like some thumping is inside my chest trying to stop me from breathing...
 
Yet somehow, I am also feeling in control right now... I've come a long way on my Logotherapy healing journey...
 
But the part of me that believes so strongly in protecting children and standing up for them all, also wants to stand up for my inner children... PATTY and PATRICIA... that man deserves NOT to continue getting away with what he did! And how many other children's carefree lives might he (and maybe even his brother) have destroy...
 
Just saying...
 
Please don't speak violence... I'm fighting enough ugliness inside of me right now.
 
It's like if someone very close had died... it would be important to say the right thing... please don't say anything, unless you are sure you have an answer that would help me through what I'm experiencing right now...
 
Something amazing happened though, that I must share. As I wrote about it for my records, a very dear friend, Linda, (not knowing what I was experiencing) sent me a WhatsApp that I am convinced had an affirming, reassuring and comforting message in it for me, even though the song meant something else which is also meaningful to me at this time.
 
Toby Keith - Don't Let the Old Man In ~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc5AWImplfE&fbclid=IwAR0HvzLf6QQ_qBdx2UAX0_GGeR5CVcERrf4LP0H3dFyRUqjJ158nzh7Yo_A
 
I cannot and must NOT let him hurt me more, or again... but still I strongly believe that he shouldn't continue to get away with what he did.
 
The rain is falling... I prayed for it earlier, so I've just looked out my window and smiled and said, "Thank you".
 
I received a lot of love from my friends on FB, but nobody arrived to rescue me as my inner child/ren subconsciously wished for.  The love though helped me to stay on the surface until I could begin to sort things out in my own head. 

One dear friend stayed with me for a while on WhatsApp, which was a huge comfort.  She just listened through what I'd shared and she was THERE... a friend in need... 
 
With panic feelings, I also tried to reach out to my mentor for her wisdom to help me through those initial shocking moments, but remembering how busy she is and not wanting to overdo things, I quickly changed my mind.
 
I reached out to someone else for their comforting wisdom, and their response felt a little judgmental to me.  I was actually glad for it in the moment and saw it as a blessing, because it reminded me that I needed to fight bitterness, so as never to become like my abusive mother.
 
I once wrote:
 
BITTERNESS – THAT HEAVY BEAST!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Bitterness, that heavy beast that sits upon my back,
Trying to destroy my strength with every heartless attack!
Whip in hand he beats me sore, ‘till I’m weak upon the ground,
Then tries to drag me to his way, his hope to have me crowned!
Bitterness crowned upon my head, the weight of it so sore,
I cry out in my desperate plight, “Leave me!  No more!  No more!”
I will not take on that awful crown; I must get up again,
For bitterness keeps on striking me, taking advantage of all my pain!
Get up!  Go on!  Do not give up!  Try and try again!
For bitterness will not crown me, or join me to his reign!
I’ll never give in to trial; I’ll keep searching for peace where I can,
No matter how hard I’m beaten, I know my God has a Plan.
I’ll keep my trust upon His Word, though this struggle is so great,
Bitterness will have no power and I’ll stand true at Heaven’s Gate.
 
~ Panayiota
(21 February 2003)
 
Later, the relative of my stepfather responded to the messenger message I’d sent earlier.
 
(Friend)… Hi. He is still alive but has Alzheimer’s. I last spoke to him about a year ago. I live in (…) and he is in Joburg. I don’t remember much about his marriage to JRP as I was still a child. I don't think I was even (…) years old. I lost contact with him in the early 70s so unfortunately there is not much info that I can give you. The only reason I spoke to him about a year ago is because (…). Haven't heard from him since.
 
Panayiota… I am so grateful to you for sharing what you have dear (Friend). It means the world to me that you responded. I don't know if I will come back to you with questions... but might leave this here... need to sort things out in my own mind... just knowing the details you've already given. I am grateful to you. Bless you.
 
Just wanting to be absolutely sure I had the right person I wrote the following for confirmation.
 
Panayiota… His brother is (HJ)... right?
 
(Friend)… Yes, that's right. I don’t think he has much contact with PJJ either. I only hear from HJ on birthdays etc.
 
Panayiota… I don't think either would be happy to know that I was inquiring... I do think I can leave it here though unless you knew stuff that would back up what I can't even tell you. But having just had this conversation with you might prove healing for me and therefore I just want to thank you with all my heart for trusting a stranger with what you've shared. Thank you so much (Friend). Be blessed always.
 
(Friend)… Unfortunately, being so young at the time I don't remember much. Hope you find the peace you are looking for.
 
Panayiota… I'm surprised at how peaceful I feel just having talked with you. Life takes care of our needs, even our psychological needs. You were sent at the right time and I will always be grateful. I wonder how old you are now... I'm 63... I was an adolescent when we were connected to PJJ and his brother. I was 50 before healing (in the form of Logotherapy) started to find me and I've come a long way since then, although still with some struggles. I am grateful to just know something, because the NOTHING is far more destructive. Thank you for responding to the call and making a difference as a result  

20 January, 2020 – conversation continued.

(Friend)… I am (…) years old, but I don't remember you and only vaguely remember JRP. Possibly because we never really visited family 

Panayiota… Shew... so I was younger than you. That's very interesting. I believe we were older for our story at that time. Now I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board to try work out exactly how old we were... perhaps you were actually older back then… is it possible you could have forgotten exactly how old you were when he was married to JRP?  I have very little memory of my past. Most of it was blocked out until flashbacks during therapy. For some reason your name seems familiar. I sent just your first name only to my sister... let's see what she says, because she has a much better memory than I do. She is in the process of move right now, so might not respond for a while, but when she does, I will update you as to whether she remembers you. She's 11 months younger than I am, so we are very close. Love each other very much. Without her I would not have survived my childhood, and she calls me "The wind beneath my wings" because it seems that I took much of the punishments, etc. to protect her... she's so special 
 
The very fact that this woman was at least taking the time to respond to me was so comforting and healing.  If she had handled it in any other way, I might not have been able to calm my own mind over this connection to the whereabouts of my abuser, or with the fact that he is still alive and even living in the same city as me!  She somehow managed to fill the gap between my abuser and I with her light, which to me feels like protection from him.
 
(Friend)… I can honestly say that I don’t remember anything about PJJ and JRP. Other than the fact that they were married and then separated. I'm sure if you get the year they were separated then you will know how old I was. I don’t even remember where they lived or what their home was like. (She went on to discuss some of her family life and beautiful family values… I have deleted some of the conversation to shorten for this blog post and for her protection also).  I honestly cannot give any negative opinion on any of my family members because I don't remember any unhappy incidents… Sorry.
 
Panayiota… You are too sweet. The very fact that you are responding so fully means so much to me and has proved comforting. You have helped to take a painful and haunting lifelong mystery out of my mind... almost like giving me a sense of closure on a lifetime of nightmares. Bless you. I'm so glad you had such a blessed childhood and parents. My mother was terribly abusive, so we suffered a lot as children. It must have been very hard for you to lose your parents so soon after each other. How I wish we could have been friends then, so that I could have helped you through that difficult time... I'm sure it must have been a very sad time for you.  I wouldn't ask for you to be dragged into anything that I experienced, but just want to thank you for popping in for this part of my journey and truly making such a difference with your presence which I am experiencing as loving, kind and giving. Thank you so much for that. I will try and put together the dates for you. I have them somewhere. Maybe in the book I've written. Just need to do my self-editing and then send it off for publishing. A couple of people have helped me by reading over it, so hopefully it will be completed very soon. It's been a very hard book to write, but hopefully will prove my gift to a world of suffering out there and will make a difference for all abused children and adults... at least then I would feel that I'd made something really good of my life and gained victory over my own personal sufferings. Enjoy your day 
 
She opened up to me and expanded on her own life and sufferings (deleted to protect her), but also about her wonderful childhood and family dynamics.
 
(Friend)… (…) I'm so sorry that you didn't have the same happy childhood that I did. I was very blessed. I still am blessed with a wonderful husband (…) we get by and are happy. Have a good day. 
 
Panayiota… Just chatting with you is giving me the image of you being a (protective) LIGHT in all the darkness of my past. I am crying... not with sadness, but with such gratitude for the light you are shining for my soul right now. I will catch up with you later. Maybe one day I can visit you... just to touch the goodness that I'm perceiving and that I've so desperately needed in all of this for so long now. Thank you. 
 
(Friend)… Lots of good wishes being sent your way. 🤗
 
Panayiota… And to you too dear (Friend).  My sister said she responded, but it has not arrived.  She may have used my Outlook which is not working for about two months now.  Looking for someone to come help me with that, but they have been too busy with Christmas, etc.  Hopefully soon.  But I've let her know it's the wrong address she might have used ❤
 
I once wrote:
 
FRAGILE VASE  
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Who can she trust with her feelings now
Fragile, cracked and worn
Some only see what they want to see
On the surface, no spirit torn
But to look deep into the open wounds
And see the cracks inside
Is to know the vase is fragile
Full of pain, she tries to hide
So many bumps to destroy her
Sometimes thrown to the ground
But not a bruise on her shiny surface
Have those who've viewed her found
For she hides them on the inside
In a lonely prison cell
And only those who love her true
Can visit, and can tell
Her inner strength has kept her
From falling all apart
And a greater strength has sustained her
A kind and loving heart
 
~ Panayiota
(5th December 1998)

22 January 2020 ~ Then this heartfelt poem popped up as a comment on a FB page today and inspired me to keep up with my own self-healing work and to make something beautiful of my life (used with permission)
       
Kintsugi - the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. 

Kintsugi
 
The pieces of my heart that you so carelessly broke,
I'm putting them back together and lacing them with gold.
There was a time that I thought it couldn't possibly take much more,
But I shall repair it and make it much more beautiful than before.
I shall take its shattered pieces and create a work of art,
And never again will I let someone come and tear my heart apart.
 
Jodie Price
(May 2019)
 
My question remains… Just because my stepfather is now in an old age home and has Alzheimer’s, does it mean, he continues to get away with what he did.  I do believe in Karma… another life… another time… nobody ever gets away with what they do, not me and not you… but what would my protecting him now say about me… and what would my handing his name over now say about me…
 
So, in the end… where is peace… where is healing… what is right… what is wrong…
 
In the end… This haunting question still leaves me with NO true identity… “You’re dammed if you do and your dammed if you don’t!”
 
I’m not sitting here feeling any hate or anger anymore… I love "old folk", but my “ADVOCATE on behalf of all abused children everywhere and my own inner abused children” shouts out aloud “DO IT!”
 
But the side of me that feels absolutely nothing for this man at all… (not hate… not anger… just THE VAST NOTHING that he left in the wake of the sufferings he caused me…) couldn’t be bothered and believes so strongly in Karma, that it gently whispers, “Let it go-Let it go”.

So, I’m still stuck in the brick wall I drew in therapy many years ago.  I wish I could share it here today, but I can’t.  It belongs for now in my book which still begs for me to finish working on, so that it can be published at last!
 
11 years since I started to write it!!!  And the lifetime before that of always knowing that my future book is what it has all been about…
 
ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I MUST GET IT DONE!
 
Yesterday, 21 January, 2020, I left home to go and post some books for a student.  Very close to my home, I was stopped by police who were diverting traffic (I wouldn’t know how to take another route because I am very directionally challenged). Before I could turn around, an ANC march went past right on the street in front of me… lots of people… a lot of noise! It scared me so much, you would have sworn that they were going to turn the corner and come straight at me in an attack!  I turned my car around, my pulse racing, my heart thumping in my chest, feeling like I could not breathe and I panicked… my inner child surfaced and wanted to cry… she was already crying inside… I could feel her crying, but her voice couldn’t come out.  As soon as I arrived home, I locked myself inside and felt safer then.  The marchers were long gone in another direction away from where I was, but I still felt so uncomfortable for a long time after.  (later my sister and nephew came to take me to the PostNet and I was able to post the student’s study pack.  I was grateful for their protective-support)
 
It is obvious that I still have some healing to reach… I’m not healed yet.  Healing from child abuse is a lifelong journey.  My abusers did this to me and my work is to stop their still powerful control over my life… I have to STOP what they have done and what they are STILL doing… this is MY WORK and my mission for survival against the odds set upon me through child abuse! 
 
ABUSERS SHOULD NOT GET AWAY WITH WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!  THEY SHOULD FACE THE DAMAGE THEY HAVE DONE!  CHILDREN SHOULD BE PROTECTED FROM THEM!  ABUSERS NEED AS MUCH HELP WITH HEALING AS THEIR ABUSED DO… BUT THEY SHOULD STILL NOT GET AWAY WITH WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!
 
Our longed-for backyard gate was finally put in over the last week… I see that as very symbolic after all that I was going through this week as mentioned in this post.  A brick wall was broken down and as a result my son and I have… another way OUT… more contact possibility… more reaching out of our four walls possibilities… more FREEDOM.

Updated and added just after posting to Facebook and Twitter a few moments ago:  As I clicked on Post for this blog post to be published, the refuse-bin truck arrived (a day late) to empty our neighbourhood bins.  Right outside of my house emptying my bin as this post was leaving... I'm taking that also as a symbolic sign that this whole episode of reconnecting with the whereabouts of my abuser, is to be an unloading and a removing of all the stinking dirt he piled onto my life in my childhood!  All of his disgusting filth that has burdened me over all of these years... is to be disposed of now!  The synchronicity of the dustbin truck emptying our smelly refuse bin that was sitting outside on the street, at that exact moment in time, is extremely meaningful to me... nothing happens by chance... there are no coincidences... there are only blessings.  

This month is the the "Love Day" month of my beloved sister Anne's passing on the 28 January 2019... I know and believe that she is in on all of this.  Through her prayers on my behalf, she is sending me powerful healing opportunities.  I feel her presence... I feel her love... just as I feel my brother, Greek mother and others from across the veil all cheering me on to greater heights of personal healing and growth.  I have every reason to keep climbing my own unique Mountain of Hope... I must never ever give up!  Something wonderful still lies ahead for me and I MUST reach it, whatever it is... I KNOW IT'S THERE WAITING FOR ME ♥  I cannot give up on it, even though I don't know yet what it is.  I am not alone... none of us are alone in the world...

This song below popped up on Facebook on the 15th.  It's a song I used to sing when I was a little girl.  I used to sing a lot way back then, before my abusers took away the courage of my voice. I still sing, but only indoors... funnily enough, my next door neighbour told me the other day that she loves hearing me sing. I felt so happy when I watched this... it took me back to that place where I used to sing as a form of escape and when I was told by my school choir teachers that I had a beautiful voice... I remembered something else from my past that was good... singing was good ♥
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3xNVD5ap-A

​I have angels watching over me and for that I am so grateful ♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota