A MOST WONDERFUL MOTHER’S DAY

This must have been the best Mother’s Day I can remember in a long-long time.  On Saturday, my daughter and son in law invited my youngest son and I to a braai at their new house.  I love it there, because it’s a place where I feel comfortable, relaxed, accepted, loved and at peace.  They have the sweetest little dog, which was recently attacked by two Alsatians while my daughter was walking her on a lead in a nearby park, but thankfully she is doing well after some expensive veterinary treatment for the holes in her one leg.  My brave daughter managed to fight the Alsatians off and rushed home with her screaming, bleeding dog tightly held in her arms.  She is still looking for the lady who was walking her dogs and allowed them to slip out of her hands when they saw the little one.  It is only right that she pays the veterinary bill.
 
Anyway, it was good to see how well the little dog is doing.  She has such a positive and exuberant nature, that not even the pain of her wounds could stop her from greeting my son and I as if we were her long-lost friends. What a sweet girl she is… we were seriously feeling the love and it was wonderful.
 
On Sunday, my son and I attended church, because three of my grandchildren said that they were going to sing for the moms and grannys… they were so excited about it, so we couldn’t let them down.  Their song was beautifully done and triggered tears for me yet again.  Seems that listening to children singing is always going to touch a very special part of my soul. 
 
My 9 year old granddaughter recently lost her voice after having laryngitis and it only returned after five weeks.  All the time she had no voice and could only whisper, she remained positive and continued to attend her choir practices and drama classes in the afternoons.  I was so inspired by her courage, confidence and positivity.  On the day I heard that her voice had returned, I was totally overjoyed!  It just came back one morning, two days before she was due to go on stage for a speech she had been chosen to do and a few days before a choir concert she and my grandson were to be a part of.  (The Winter Concert Series hosted by the Jacaranda Children’s Choir in Pretoria).  My granddaughter was able to attend both events just when we felt there was going to be no way… What a miracle of pure joy!  My daughter in law invited me to attend the choir concert with her and we had a lovely evening listening to all the different childrens’ choirs singing and seeing our own little ones up on stage. 
 
I must say that I felt so helpless when my granddaughter lost her voice… kind of afraid too, because she is our little singer and actress… such a confident child… we’d never known anyone who had lost their voice before, so it was scary.  Thankfully her speech therapy exercises and will power helped to bring her beautiful voice back.  I am so grateful.
 
At church my family gave me big hugs, and a gift of sugar free sweets and chocolates… YUM!  And my dear friend Noleen and family gave me yummy treats also.  The day before, my daughter and son in law, also spoilt me with a gift of sugar free sweets and chocolates and a pair of much needed thermal socks.  Winter is here already, so I know I’m going to absolutely love those socks as it gets colder.
 
After church, on Sunday, my youngest son and I returned home with no real plans.  I had it in my head to do more work… I always have loads of stuff to catch up on… my office work as well as my personal works, so every spare moment counts… but what a surprise greeted us when my oldest son arrived to wish me happy Mother’s Day, also with a warm hug a yummy gift in hand for us both. 

I never expected him to visit like that… a very rare and most wonderful treat… and so, my utter JOY for Mother’s Day was complete.  I could not have been happier if I tried.  After my son visited, he invited us to go see his new home… he and my dear daughter in law have separated to be divorced, and so he lives a lot closer now.  We had such a lovely afternoon with him… lunch at his house and a long walk together around the beautiful property where he stays.  We spent a good few hours together on Mother’s Day… it was a wonderful blessing for my mommy heart, and it was so good to see my son doing and coping so well… I have never stopped believing in him, and it was comforting to be reminded of exactly why.  It was such a beautiful day together.
 
On Mother’s Day, of course I also thought about my beloved Greek Stepmother who is now in Heaven and felt grateful for her incredible influence in my life.   I always think of this scripture when I think of her
 
Proverbs 31:25-31 King James Version (KJV)
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
 
But the more I learn about child abuse and its possible devastating lifelong effect on the adult survivor, the more I learn to accept my own mother, and I hurt for the lost and broken little girl she once was, who has lived… lost and alone… inside of her over all the years… and I imagine still does.
 
On the British Mother’s Day last month, I had not realized it was Mother’s Day there… I only found out a few days later.  But what did make me happy, was that on the actual day, I had been writing to someone and mentioned my mother in my sharing, and I was grateful that on that day, I had thought of her kindly.  That gave me a sense of peace and comfort… as though I’d somehow connected subconsciously with the heart of my mother on the day… a kind of invisible hug for her… and for me.
 
I’d written to the person: 
 
“I feel that I am in a perpetual state of mourning… my sister lives too far away… part of me still wants to laugh and play with her… part of me needs to protect her and to know she’s safe… too many losses… too much sadness… unable to save the world… never having known my mother’s love… unable to love her in her old age (because she has rejected her children)… imagining her alone and uncared for… wanting to hold her in  my arms and tell her I still love her even without her love in return… wondering when someone is going to let us know she died… not sure if I could bear that pain, yet I feel I owe her nothing at the same time for all the years of pain she has caused us… part of me will still always mourn for my mother’s love…”
 
So, I am not sitting here all miserable… but when I think of my mother, I can’t help wondering if she’s ok and wishing she was here for me to take care of her… show her, in the winter of her life, what unconditional love really feels like… I would not hold back on loving her with all my heart if I had that chance.
 
Today, 15th May 18, I wrote:
 
IS SOMEONE LOVING YOU MOM?
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Where are you this Mother’s Day dear Mom?
Where are you?
We wonder-with pain.
What are you doing?
Are you alone and miserable? Or,
Is there someone there to hold and love you Mom?
We hope so.
Do you think of your girls on Mother’s Day?
Do you miss us, even just a little Mom?
We miss you.
The more we’ve come to understand our own struggles
The more we’ve come to understand you Mom.
We weren’t the only ones who suffered cruel child abuse…
You suffered it also.
Now we can hear the little girl crying without end inside of you
And the angry one, probably still turning your world upside down
You didn’t know how to stop that endless crying and awful anger Mom.
So, you let it hurt us too.
But somehow, no matter what you did to us…
We still dream for your love…
An agonizing, never-ending dream.
And so dear Mom, we can’t stop longing for you…
We can’t stop loving you.
It would be so much easier if we could…
JUST STOP!
So, we continue to wonder-with pain
Where are you mom?
Did someone hold and love you this Mother’s Day?
…on our behalf…
We hurt to imagine you alone, dear Mom...
We wish you LOVE.
 
From your ever-longing, forever-loving daughters.
 
~ Panayiota (and sister).
 
Regardless of the moments where thoughts of my own mother allowed hurts to return… it was still one of the most beautiful Mother’s Days I’ve had in years.  The other one that really stands out for me, was many years ago, when my oldest son rallied the other children to help him very early one morning to organize a huge Mother’s Day breakfast for me.  When they came through with an enormous platter of Texan steak, fries, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc. I nearly fainted… hahahaha!  Of course I shared it with them all… no human being in their right mind could possibly have eaten so much on their own for breakfast!  I still laugh about that today but remember it with so much love for the joy their wonderful efforts of love gave to me that day.  They were still young, so it really was very special to my heart.  This Mother’s Day, I felt that way again.  A BIG thank you to my wonderful children.
 
One more lovely surprise on Mother’s Day made me very happy.  One of the children (now a man) who I always loved as my own child when he was small, sent me a loving Mother’s Day message.  His simple but most appreciated message: “Happy Mother’s Day my other mother (kiss smiley) wish you all the best.”
 
Sometimes I’m sad that the others don’t remember me on Mother’s Day… I had quite a few that I loved as my own… but it’s okay really… I know that they love me and I won’t forget them and the strength they gave to me over some of the most difficult years of my life whilst living with our abuser… my second husband… so remembering my “other children” and the gift they were to my life is enough for my mommy-heart.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota.