A Person’s Name is Sacred ~ So… what about my name?

~ Posted 18 October 2017 ~
 
The losses and stress of the hard drive crash of June 25th this year was so devastating to me, that I nearly lost it completely. 
 
The meaning of my life seemed to have crumbled in an instant… my soul ripped out, roots and all… I felt as though I had nothing of value to work towards anymore. Yes, I still had family to live for, and responsibilities to uphold, but without a sense of soul, one is left empty of desire to keep moving forward.
 
Thoughts of an easy death-escape from it all did cross my mind continuously.  I cannot understand what could have kept me going during that time when I believed that almost all my poetry was lost and knew that all the recent self-editing on my book was definitely gone!  I just felt as though this was one blow from Life too difficult to bear and one I could NOT recover from.
 
When thoughts of death come to mind, one starts thinking about what they would like written on their gravestone… well, I certainly do… I think I have settled for the words, “Unstoppable Woman of Integrity” … but that would mean, that I could not take my own life or those words would no longer apply for my gravestone! 
 
But one thing I knew for sure was that my true name, Panayiota, would have to be on my gravestone… so that at last, nobody would be able to dishonour or take that away from me ever again.  At last, my name could be honoured in my death… etched in stone forever!  Then, only the voice of those who refused to recognise my name while I lived would still be able to refer to me as Pat after I’d died.  I would no longer choose to listen to their voice, but I could still visit my gravestone in sprit to see my true name there and be happy for that. 
 
The hard drive crash did something to me… made me determined not to go out of this world being recognised or accused of being someone I was not, so I started to sign off all my letters, even at work, as Panayiota.  I changed my name on all the forms, to my true name… I was angry about what Life had done as far as the hard drive crash went, so I had made up my mind to rebel against all life by demanding that if nothing else could ever be sure and stable in my life… at least I’d make sure that my name would be!
 
But, all the while, I was losing grips on my own reality and self-image as a result of the guilt and shame, the stress-exhaustion and sense of failure and extreme frustrations I was experiencing as I tried so hard to put all the pieces of my office works back together again, whilst neglecting my own life-works and needs.  My sense of responsibility towards my work had become more important in my mind than my sense of responsibility and care towards myself. 
 
I was losing my sense of self in the chaos of the hard drive devastation!  So much so, that I even started to disconnect with my true name… who did I think I was to demand recognition of my own name… I was a nobody once again (script messages from my past) … not worthy of my true name… not worthy of belonging to the Greek side of my heritage… not even my Greek family recognised my name which has always left me with a sense of “not belonging to them or being fully accepted by them”
 
A worthless outcast with a name that did not belong to me…
 
I recently started to give up on my own quest for authenticity… I just gave in to the pressures of life… I stopped recognising my own name…
 
And so, I found myself gradually reverting back to my nickname… (a shortened form of my true name which I really don’t mind too much). I found myself deleting  my true name and just signing off with my nickname instead... (What's the use!)
 
BUT NOT PAT!  A name my mother chose to get back at my father after their divorce…

Panayiota was my dad's mother’s name… my beloved Greek Yiayia (granny) who I don't think I ever got to meet, but I have always felt connect with her on a spiritual level... I feel her love and believe she watches over me from the other side and that she is proud of me.
 
Pat was a friend of my mothers who had lots of cats… my mother renamed me Patty after her.
 
But, something special had begun to happen... certain of my most precious friends had started to use my true name when writing to me and every time they did, I felt a strengthening gift being given to me by them.  They were honouring my name and were thus honouring me.  To them I was not invisible… they fitted me with my true identity… my true name… I felt accepted by them… I felt loved… truly authenticated… a sense of being pulled back from the latest trail that seemed to be so bent on leading me towards “giving up and giving in”…
 
I had recently congratulated a more distant young friend on Linkedin for being in a new job, and he responded, using my true name in addressing me.  I was surprised as I did not expect it from this person who I believe doesn’t know me that well, and so I wrote back to him:
 
“How very special that you used my true name… not even most of my family afford me that honour.  I am so uplifted and grateful this morning.  Thank you so much!
 
And he responded:
 
“You are welcome :) A person's name is a sacred thing. Plus, you have a beautiful name”
 
He truly honoured me and authenticated me by his kind words.  This young man, Ryan, and his dear family will feel a lot closer to me from now on… on the level of safe and trusted friendship, even though we do not see each other very often or know each other very well.
 
Thank you…
 
~ Panayiota