ALIEN… But, Heaven is so kind.

​My last blog post was about experiencing this kind of mourning loss... so, it absolutely amazes me, how the very words I need to express what I am feeling, come to me so often on Facebook, or from whatever source like this at around the same time I need just the right words.  Almost as if Life itself is supporting me for some reason... This helps me to feel that I am being watched over and I'm not alone in this Universe... that my deepest most painful feelings are authenticated by someone, somewhere… and so, I am strengthened repeatedly, to go on...
 
Some incredible force out there understands where I'm coming from and why... The whole world might judge me, but someone else, somewhere, LOVES me very much and holds me in Their Hands… I like to believe this is my God… and all in Heaven, including my ancestors who I believe are with me in prayer and support because they can see the whole picture from their Heavenly vantage point.  I also like to believe that it also comes from those rare and beautiful, who genuinely love and care about me, right here in this world.
 
The more I think about it, the more I am sure that I’m “coming from” a place of too much love and I am so often condemned for expressing the pain that is caused, for speaking out about how much it hurts when the kind of love I expect is not returned, or I cannot find it in the same measure in this world...  It so very often feels as though I do not belong to this world... like, I am an alien here...
 
But I know and I’m reminded so often, that I am being watched over and being helped along the path of my life for some reason that is uniquely designed for me.  I believe that this is the same for everyone in their own uniqueness of and for being. 
 
I love this quote found in our Logotherapy, Introductory course, workshop manual:  

​Yesterday, 25th February, was the memory of my beloved Greek mother’s passing in 2004.  I call it her “Love Day”.  She was actually my step-mother, but I always imagined her as my own true mother, or spiritual mother, because she was so kind and loving to me when I was a child… in stark contrast to my biological mother who struggled to be loving and kind.  

I wrote this morning 26th February:
Yesterday I sat alone with my memories of my Greek mother... I could not find anywhere, except here on FB where I could share my feelings, because things have gone so horribly wrong due to hurt trust between certain of my family and I… and they are slipping away so fast that I cannot find my way back to them anymore... it's like my childhood dream of their love has been smashed to pieces and I can't find all the pieces to fix it... Losing that part of my family, means losing my connection with my dad also... but part of me wants that, because it's less painful than the fact that I can't reach him anymore anyway... to really get to know him as my father, and not just the magical, wonderful far distant fantasy that I am still grasping onto with childhood longings of happier times to repeat over and over again... where daddy used to spoil us when we visited him on school holidays, and he took us to the train park in Bulawayo to ride the mini steam train and enjoy delicious scones with cream and strawberry jam from the little store there... I couldn't see over the counter which I reached up to hold onto, standing on tiptoes... trying to be big enough to see what the attendant was getting ready for us to enjoy... that's practically all I can remember of daddy as a child... those wonderful visits to the train park... and our tummy's tickling when he drove up and down the toad humps and dips on the Bulawayo streets... I know there was some kind of history related to those humps and dips in the road... something to do with the wagon days if I remember right.  But we loved daddy riding fast up and down those so much!  We would always giggle with delight.  I wish I could remember more... but that's all I've got and I've clung so tightly to it over all these years... 
 
There's been too many losses in a short space of time, and lost hope gone out the window along with the loss off trust in people and life again...
 
I just needed to release this into the Universe, because it's too hard to hold alone inside.
 
Last night, still feeling very sad after a day alone with my thoughts of my Greek mother, I wrote two poems before switching off my light and going to sleep.  I just remembered I’d done those this afternoon and went to find the pad that I’d written on next to my bed.  I could not even remember what I’d written before I read over them now… I guess I just needed to unload last night, so that I could sleep.  For some reason writing helps me so much to unload some of the internal weight of burdens… once they are out, I feel they are safely stored, and I am lighter inside as a result.
 
SHINING GOLD
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
You’re looking for something to judge her for
Because it’s easier than trying to understand
You’d rather step out of the picture
Than take her by the hand
To help her come back from that desolate place
Where she gets lost again and again
You’d rather judge and reject
Than help her through her pain
 
And so, she drifts even further
Until the fog manages to block out your light
And once she’s gone that far away
There’s nothing left to fight
It’s almost completely over now
Soon THE NOTHING will be all that’s left
Numbness will stop the aching
Of her heart that is now so bereft
 
Don’t try to call her back
Once THE NOTHING has taken its’ hold
For all that’s left will be pitch darkness
Where there used to be Shining Gold.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)

UNTIL HER GRAVE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The only time I ever really knew my daddy
Was when I was a little child
Where so often I dreamed he’d rescue me
From my mother vicious and wild
 
But he lived too far away
And never came to save
And the little girl inside of me
Will keep on longing until her grave
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)
 
 
On Saturday 23rd, my lovely daughter took me to visit my dad, but because my trust is so broken at this time and the distance keeps growing between my family and I, I felt quite uncomfortable there… even though they were being kind… I did not feel as though I belonged anymore.  My dad didn’t know that… I believe that he still loves me, but it’s a difficult situation for me, because I feel his love on the level of my inner Patty… daddy loves Patty still, just like many years ago when Patty and her sister used to go visit him and Greek mommy on our school holidays.  The only problem now, is that daddy can’t hear anymore.  I can’t speak to him and get to know him in the way that an adult child would know their dad… my adult relationship with him feels foreign… I’m too shy to battle to get him to hear and understand what I’m saying… so I sat quietly like a pumpkin and felt like a fool there were everyone would have expectations of me… Without the expectations, I would be happy and relaxed, just to be sitting quietly in the presence of my dad… to be with him more on the spiritual level that my heart really desires these days.  My daughter chatted with him occasionally, also with difficulty, but she’s a whole lot bolder than I am…
 
I FEEL LIKE I REALLY AM AN ALIEN!  I DO NOT BELONG!
 
Then when the rest of the family arrived home, everyone chatted over my dad… and he just sat there like a pumpkin… HUMPH!  I wondered how he feels, not being able to be a part of conversations because of his deafness…  
 
BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN
Literally moments after I arrived home from visiting my dad, (feeling a widening of the hole in my soul), I received two WhatsApp messages that were quite unexpected, and worded as if the senders knew exactly how I was feeling in that moment in time.  The messages were from two people who I had not heard from in some time… amazingly two Jewish friends again.  Their messages convinced and reminded me that I am indeed being watched over, and I am loved.
 
The first which came with a most wonderful video, was from my mentor.  She wrote:
“Shabbat Shalom, dearest Pan.  Sometimes and so many times our lives are shattered by the cruelty and lovelessness of others” 
 
I was confused as to why she said that without knowing what I was going through on the day.  I thought maybe there was something wrong on her side, but she assured me all was well, other than, cold sniffles.
 
If I can ever find the link for that video, I will share it here.  But as I have been unable to find the link so far, I will post the video on my Patty’s Keys Facebook page if anyone would like to go see it there.
 
Then the second special WhatsApp came almost immediately after from one of our dear Logotherapy students who I also haven’t spoken to in ages… he wrote:
 
“Pan, I heard about your sister and I wanted to wish you long life.  Stay strong, you are the backbone of the whole institute.  We need you more than you know.”
 
Now, I’m not so sure about being the backbone of our Logotherapy institute, but his words at that exact time were such a blessing to me and so uplifting…  That he felt this way about the work I do and me… I felt overwhelmed with gratitude to him and to Heaven.
 
 
Nevertheless, I still felt rather anxious for the rest of the day, and on the way to pick up my son in the evening around 19h30, I honestly felt really afraid.  The roads are mostly not lit up well and there were very few cars.  There are a few turns just before my son’s workplace that I find particularly isolated, dark and scary.  As I took the first turn, I noticed through the corner of my eyes, two men standing back, almost as if hiding in a bushy dark area and dressed in dark clothing… I turned the corner really fast so that if a hijacking was planned, I’d be moving too fast and hopefully be saved… but as I took the corner, I noticed that a white car was parked diagonally across the lane I was in, and another man dressed in dark clothing walking around the back of the car towards the side I was taking over on… I took over so fast, fear gripping me to the very core!!!  I have not had that kind of fright in a long time.  I hate that I have to keep travelling that scary road alone so often at night!  When I arrived at the shop, I walked over to the security car that sits there at closing times and told the man inside the car what had happened and asked if someone could go make sure that it was safe there.  The man drove off immediately, and when he returned, he let me know that the two people in the bushes were waiting for a lift, and the police had also already been to where the car was parked, and it was only a break down… he said that it was a man with his wife and baby in the car.  So, it wasn’t some big scary hijacking plot after all, but it could easily have been… and I was scared half to death by it!  I literally felt physically ill for a good time afterwards and could hardly hold my head up in the car while I waited for my son to lock up shop and come.  He bought me a sugar free chocolate that did help a bit… eating when things go wrong seems to be my comfort thing!  Best tasting chocolate ever!
 

I would soon like to share with my readers here, one of my 23 metaphorical therapy stories that I wrote during my therapy journey about visiting my Greek family when I was a child.  I hope to post it soon… it is one that is really close to my heart and wish to post it in honour of her.
 
​
My dear friend Dana just sent me this picture she’d put together of my Greek mom and I… she says we look alike.  I remember my niece saying the same soon after my Greek mom passed away and one of my students said it recently also when she saw a picture of her.  It means so much to me that anyone would think so… Heaven is so kind.  (My Greek mom's name is Efimia)

Here is a most beautiful story called “A Mother’s Walk” (not written by me), that I kind of dedicated to my Greek mom after she had passed away:  https://llerrah.com/amotherswalk.htm
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota