​Another nightmare ~ Threatening tornado ~ LDI

Posted: 23rd September 2017 ~ Continuation of last post...

19th September 2017
So, my feelings of financial insecurity which is a reality now, and my recent experiences, culminated in the following:
 
There’s always a comfort zone of “things not changing”… and when they do suddenly change, even for the better, my mind struggles for a while until I can makes sense of things and sort them out in my head…
 
My oldest son’s lunch invitation and the delicious salad and chocolate he so kindly brought especially for my lunch at his home, and all the real love I experienced there on the day, kind of messed with my head during the days that followed. 
 
It is so hard for me to believe in such goodness when it finally comes, after I have waited for it for so long and given up on believing in the possibility of it so many times… hurting… doubting… hoping… longing… hurting more… until I shut down my emotions and convince myself that I will at least be satisfied with any scraps of love and goodness that come my way… that I do not need to be greedy, expecting more than others are able to give… I’ll embrace any scrap that is given… I’ll honour it… cherish it… and be satisfied with the portion that is given… that is mine to receive.
 
But when more that I have come to expect is suddenly given… then it creates a dilemma of emotions in me… Can it be true?  Can I believe in it?  Can I really hope for it again?  Will it all come crashing down and be lost again if I allow it to get too close? etc. 
 
AAARGH!
 
I start to rationalise my thoughts and feelings… I struggle with my perceptions of reality… twist reality in a self-defeating and self-destructive way… (script messages from my past telling me over and over, that I am not good enough… not worthy enough… etc.)  If I allow the goodness to be true, I could be setting myself up for more heartbreak if it all comes crashing down again.  No… I can’t allow any more emotional pain… I need to protect my heart… it’s been bruised and broken for far too many times already… NO MORE! 
 
RUN!  RUN!  RUN!
 
With such thoughts swirling around in my head, on the 18th I only managed 5 hours sleep… a zombie for the rest of the day… on the 19th… 6 hours sleep, and woken by a nightmare…
 
My nightmare
I’m in this beautiful house with my grandchildren… I don’t know how many or which ones… the house has white walls and lots of windows… I suddenly see a tornado coming towards the house.  It is not a dust filled tornado… seems almost glass like and not extremely threatening.  When I first see it, it’s coming from the one side of the house… I get the feeling it’s the back of the house, but when I see it again, it’s coming from the front of the house… but this time, around the centre (height wise) of the tornado, I see a ring of really large boulders swirling around the outside of it… and not very fast… there are some small boulders in-between… a bit like the ring around Saturn… but the large boulders are so large, that there are only about five or six of them spinning around the outer edge of the vortex… they are as big as cars. 
 
I can see that they are coming straight for the house… we are in real danger if those boulders land on the house, they will come straight through the roof and could kill us.  I’m calling to the children to come to me, trying to get them together… next thing the tornado reaches the house… one large boulder lands in front of us… it’s long and flat like a humongous piece of slate… it rests upright against a tree in the front yard, and all the rest land in the back yard behind the house… none hit the house.
 
And then I wake up.
 
Logotherapy dream interpretation (LDI)
With quite a bit of turmoil going on in my head of late, with financial struggles… needing to ask for help and experiencing a disappointing and hurtful response from one person (not my children) which left me feeling judged, unwanted and rejected… and work catch-up struggles and exhaustion and feeling that I’ve let our students and my mentor and trainers down, as well as some anxiety creating mind struggles and intrusive thoughts which I have to constantly battle in order to keep them away, I think that I have somehow been feeling a little threatened by life once again (hence the hurricane)… intrusive thoughts and feeling judged (hence the huge and threatening boulders)… danger… coming towards all of us in the house in my dream…
 
The tornado was not a furious one… it was not stirring up mountains of dust and debris… it was not swirling very fast either… it was transparent and even looked glass like on the surface of it.  The enormous boulders were not all over the tornado… they seemed to have their own place and order as they swirled, almost gently in a ring around the outside of it… just above the house roof in height.
 
I felt panicked and wanted to save everyone from the possible impact of the tornado and possible falling of its boulders on top of us… (a sense of needing to protect myself and family from further hurts maybe).
 
Meaning message in my dream:
With One large flat sheet of boulder falling in front of us and the other enormous round boulders dropping behind the house as the tornado reached us… not harming us… I believe that the meaning message of my dream is to work hard at not allowing perceived threats and fears to further hurt myself or my most important (to me) relationships.  That I should somehow find a way to let the threats pass over my head and drop out of harm’s way behind me.  To not dwell on what has hurt me, or what threatens me… to keep my family close…  my relationships safe.
 
This brings me back to that poem I wrote in 2010, after my mentor once said to me to learn to tuck away my own feelings, especially as many would never be able to understand them or me with them.  I’m glad I still have that poem:
 
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
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Do NOT express it!  Go on!  Go on!
Hold it all in!  Quieten that sad song?
Do NOT express it!  Do NOT cry out!
Do NOT argue!  Do NOT shout!
 
Tuck it away!  Go on!  Go on!
Who can hear your mournful song?
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’!
To discover your true self!  To see your own face!
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears?
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears!
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST!
Search your own light, for ‘IN YOU’, you must trust!
 
Move forward!  Climb high! Never give in!
Hold tightly God’s hand!  ‘Life’s’ between you and Him.
Grasp your ‘life’s meaning’ – ‘life’s purpose’ for you!
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you MUST DO!
 
Try to believe ‘it’ and never let go!
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so!
When you defiantly stand for ‘YOUR GOOD AND YOUR TRUE’,
Then nothing can stop ‘that course’ meant for you!
 
You are unique and so is your work,
So do not abandon it and do not shirk.
The world is waiting for what you can give,
Sharing your purpose is the true way to ‘LIVE’.
 
~ Panayiota
(Tuesday, 26 October 2010)
 
Thank you for reading my blog posts and sharing in my journey.  I pray that some of the stuff that I share is helping someone out there to find healing. 
 
Please feel free to comment… you may use a pseudonym or nickname so you won’t be identified.
 
~ Panayiota