BELONGING, LONGING, NEEDS & CONNECTION

The incident I shared on a Facebook post on the 22nd (below), was the 4th deeply painful experience I’d had since my son and family left for England… that being the 1st… the absence of part of my family, I don’t think I could easily recover from.
 
2nd ~ Still in that mourning process, I then lost my comforting connection with my church because they could not recognise or acknowledge my mourning state of mind and expected too much from me too soon; I was not able to satisfy their wants and needs and that resulted in judgement and added loss. 
 
“Most people don’t come to church looking merely for a few new gospel facts.  They come seeking a spiritual experience… They want their faith fortified and their hope renewed” (Elder Holland, 1998, 26) ~ A Teacher Come from God
 
“Christians are intolerant, if not prejudiced, against individuals with emotional difficulties.  Most view all such problems as due to personal sin.  Some well-known Christian authors have further fueled the fires of stigma and judgement towards those suffering with emotional illness.” (Carlson, 1994, p.9) ~ Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?
 
"When we come to it
We, this people, on this wayward, floating body
Created on this earth, of this earth
Have the power to fashion for this earth
A climate where every man and every woman
Can live freely without sanctimonious piety
Without crippling fear.” ~ Maya Angelou, A Brave and Startling Truth
 
3rd ~ Shortly after, I had to face another sad loss, but this time, it manifested into a loss of trust in a connection that I thought was perfect and could never be broken in any way.  Once again, I was fooled by my own fantasy-grasping for perfection in my life… What was worse for me, was that I could not understand why this separation happened. I could not work out anything I’d done or said wrong… there were no answers… no reasoning… it just happened and left a deeply painful hole in my soul, because I felt like nothing could ever be that perfect there ever again.  It shattered me.
 
4th ~ None of these losses had been resolved in my heart or mind when the 4th wave hit!  I write about it below and have hesitated greatly as to weather to share my thoughts and feelings or not… to give myself a voice.  But, because I do think there is a lesson to be learned in all of this for people like myself… people who LOVE TOO MUCH! I am compelled to share:
 
22April 2022, I wrote on FB.
 
Have you ever had something (or someone/s) that hurts so much... (The deepest kind of hurt imaginable... the kind that leaves you feeling totally rejected... excluded... invisible... the kind that reminds you that you NEVER WERE... that you totally fooled yourself into believing you WERE) the kind... BORN OUT OF YOUR DEEPEST KIND OF LOVE... that hurts so much that it tears at your very soul and tries to kill off your spirit... the kind that hurts so much that it's no longer worth trying to hold onto... so you are ready to let it go completely and forever, because it hurts more to keep than it will to hurt to let it go? And when you do let go, you KNOW that you will be the one accused of being BAD... EVIL... POSESSED BY DEVILS... etc. because nobody can possibly understand the reality of your pain or your desperate lifelong childhood longings and needs (for LOVE-perfection) that have never been fulfilled...
 
To be included... a part of... TO BELONG...!
 
I'M READY TO LET GO COMPLETELY!
 
There will be no turning back on that day... NONE!
 
COMMENTS:
 
Diana
This picture really defines it all Pani~Petal.. the sun always shines again tomorrow... tomorrow might not be in a few hours after today... it can be after a few tomorrows. Yes, I have been there a few times in my life. Once almost never saw the sun shine ever again... but I survived and two minutes later my sun shone again… I have never forgotten that moment and when I am in my darkest moments, I remember that my sun will shine again… and it does! Just endure and hold fast to the rod. He is there... stay strong and know that He has a plan for you. He always has. Trust Him. HEAR HIM... LISTEN.
I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS FRIEND AND AM HERE FOR YOU ❤
 
Panayiota (a few hours later)
I'll come back to this post later... I feel I need to back away from it for now... sometimes if I say too much in the moment... I SAY TOO MUCH and have to live to regret it afterwards, or my words cause me much more pain, because so many others just don't understand and can't even if they wanted to... so doing my best to stay busy and calm and I'm just so grateful that I am not alone... YOU are here and I am so grateful for YOU ❤ Thanks with all my heart ❤
 
Panayiota (a few days later)
Ah, bless you my dearest Diana... I'm so sorry it took me a while to get back to you. The depth of pain at the time was so intense, that I was ready to let it all go, just so that I would never have to feel that intensity of pain again... I've felt it so many times before. And yes... 'tomorrow', the sun shone so warm and beautifully again... it always does, so it's during those darker times that we need to remind ourselves by remembering that the sun always shines again eventually. I love you and sending you BIG HUGS... thank you for your beautiful message... ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Panayiota
You reminded me of this poem I once wrote:
 
THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES FOR EVERYONE
© All rights reserved
Yes, it is true – The sun always shines for everyone,
And not just a privileged few,
There’s not a soul who can escape its lovely light,
Unless ‘they themselves choose’ the darkness of night.
The sun does not shine only for selected souls,
But on all who bask in its warmth,
The rich and the poor, the dirty and clean,
The sinner, the kind and the mean.
Clouds often block out the light of day,
And at night we might not even see stars,
But the sun still shines for all and never goes out,
Whether one’s an atheist or Christian devout.
And so it is that our great God of Love,
Wrapped us in His Eternal Embrace,
By sending His One and Only Begotten Son,
Who’s Light Shines continuously for everyone.
And each of us chooses the way we will go,
And each the warmth we receive,
Each chooses the amount of light we’ll let in,
As each chooses their measure of sin.
For His Light never dims or goes away,
Just as the sun always shines in the sky,
And we each can choose to bask in His life-giving light,
Or we can choose the bleak darkness of eternal night.
A person’s intelligence makes no difference,
Or whether they’re weak or strong,
It’s not for us to decides one’s worth,
Or judge a person by status, creed or birth.
To Him, we’re no better or worse than the man next door
Whether we worship in a cathedral or barn,
The light always shines for everyone –
Praise God for His All-Loving Son.
~ Panayiota Ryall
(09 September 2008)
 
Panayiota
I think that some of us LOVE TOO MUCH... hence we also HURT TOO MUCH from time to time when we don't feel the love that WE NEED being reciprocated at the same level of our need and our LOVE for the other. I have found that this is where I have to exercise and draw on my emotional intelligence... because the truth is, that those that don't know what it's like to love too much, will NEVER be able to understand the DEPTH OF THE PAIN-STRUGGLE that comes without their love, or the LIFELONG NEED for such LOVE... (my struggle is a very lonely struggle... and the depth of that ALONENESS in the LONGINGS can be totally unbearable at times)
 
Panayiota
In case anyone is confused... this post was about a family-crisis struggle... NOT the recent church struggle... although both go hand in hand and so do my emotions re: both of them... but for now, the family anguish struggle has settled and the situation is bearable again... feeling (or just settling for) the much needed LOVE and CONNECTION again ❤ I actually set the "Friends Except" on this post, so as not to hurt my extended family with my emotions born out of... loving and needing them too much... loneliness... being alone... feeling alone... and therefore feeling left out... not belonging... The story of my life!!!
 
Veronica
I hear you, my friend. We give too much of ourselves and get hurt in the process. It's pretty soul destroying at times but we just get on with it. God doesn't sleep ❤
 
Panayiota
Thank you dearest Vee... I don't know that I give too much... but I definitely do love too much. There's always that part of the family that do all the giving, because they have all the money and they seem to only value that kind of giving and those who can give back to them in that way... I have nothing much to give that would make them value me at the level of their needs... My HEART-LOVE seems to be meaningless and of little value to them... my pain is in coming to the truth that it never was and never will be... we came from two different worlds... mine of total insecurity and longing, and theirs of total security and being valued with monetary gifts... they don't need me like I have always desperately needed them to fully embrace and accept me and belonging to them, and I have to learn to understand that, and where they are coming from and accept it that they will never be able to fully accept me at the level of my deepest need😭I have to come to the acceptance and understanding, that it is not them that are at fault... but MY DESPERATE NEED FOR THEIR LOVE that creates this dilemma because how are they expected to understand... when they have never been me or lived my life?
 
Cheryl
I have learnt that even though it’s so painful, the letting go opens up potentiometer for me to heal and to progress. The holding on to hurt keeps me stuck. 💕💕 There is sunshine, beauty and joy on the other side of letting go! Love the pic, I see it as both a sun rising on a new day and the sun setting on the past
 
Panayiota
Oh, how I love you... letting go will be truly very painful for me... yet for the sake of my mental wellbeing, could be exactly as you said... but there's always that bit I keep settling for... the bits that remain for me to cherish and hold onto, rather than the thought of THE NOTHING without them... without the HOPE IN THEIR LOVE to still reach me one day, and... yes... and THAT FANTACY I grew up with... I might share a WhatsApp conversation I had with a colleague so you can understand a bit better... and even my metaphorical story... Escape from the Violent Storms... The childhood needs and longings for their UNCONDITIONAL LOVE became set on FAR TOO DEEP... letting go would be like a death for me... yet it might be the only way for me to truly heal... and there's another SILENCED story there from my childhood that is keeping me from finishing my book... SILENCED, because I love them so much, I don't want to hurt any of them by revealing it... yet my book will never be completed without that story also included in it! AARGH! In the meantime, the reality is breaking me! The most PAINFUL reality and truth is... that I have never been them or lived their lives either! So... do I STOP loving because of this reality... or do I just keep on loving them with the purity of my child-spirit that this terrible NEED stemmed from in the first place... fully accepting the pain that comes with it... or do I come to a place where I KNOW, that I can't do it anymore... because it's KILLING ME... ??? A decision only I can come to in the end and it will all depend on how much more of the feelings of THE NOTHING (as in... THE NEVER-ENDING STORY) ... I can continue to live with and bear.
 
An open poem to a closed mind
 
when you hate
someone
because they are
different than you
then you are unknowingly hating on
the very Architect of Creation itself
to rage against a color
you have never seen before
because its exotic
tincture offends
your orthodox eyes
suggests that you believe
the Divine Artist is worried
about what you think
did the first burst of
cosmic energy care
about its critics when
it began to paint life
across the constantly
unfolding canvas of
the known universe?
hell no
it just wildly created
this delicate masterpiece
of endless fire, orchestrated chaos
and a trillion or so wobbling worlds
like a Michelangelo made out of an
army of swarming angels
every inch of everything
that exists is a unique piece
of abstract splatter art
so, if God was so
unrestrained when
it came to creating
the stretching forever
kingdom of stars
it makes sense
that God was even
more uninhibited when
it came to how we
were made
each of us are a wow sculpture of
unbridled never-seen-before genius
who are you
to decide how
The Everlasting Potter
molds their art?
get over your fear
of people who
look
live
pray
love
believe
differently than you do
because the more you hide
from what is foreign to you
the more you hide from
the miracle of this existence
you only get to ride this
skin and bone rollercoaster
for so long
quit closing your eyes
stare into the swirl
because that’s where God’s
most profound artwork is
hurry up
open your eyes
you’re missing it
open your eyes
hurry up
and once you do
you will see it
the relentless power
of creation
oh, and how you’ll gasp
when you finally see it
 
~ John Roede
 
Conclusion to this post, written in a conversation with my mentor, Teria Shantall last week:
 
Teria
And as for your “problem” with your … family: thank you!  You have made me realise that our irritation and problem with others are because we do not accept them for who they are and cannot else but be.  It is therefore truly our own problem, not theirs!
 
Panayiota
Yes, Just as I wish they would understand and accept me for who I am and all that I need from them… I too have to try to understand them… We all need to learn the fine art of meeting each other exactly where we are… We don’t have to agree with the behaviours, etc. of others, but we should at least accept that it is where and who they are there and then… There would be a lot more peace and less war (internal and external) if we could just get this right…
 
I’m working on what I have come to know because I really can’t bear the pain of desperately wanting what cannot be.
 
Another Logotherapy colleague, Marylyn, wrote via WhatsApp
It was absolutely wonderful to have a share this Monday morning… and I heard you dearest Pan… The ‘in spite of’ is your biggest internal strength… in spite of all those feelings of being unloved… you love… and this is your remarkable gift and it makes it all the more precious ❤
 
Thank you so much to all who have given me this space to express and release my struggles... I am so grateful to those who take the time to read, listen, hear and still LOVE ❤
 
~ Panayiota.