Can Anybody Possibly Understand? Is There Just One Who Does?

So, you saw my last post and how much I was struggling.  I have to say, that after unloading all that, I began to feel so much calmer. Writing is healing for me. But there is still a niggling struggle inside of me that is keeping me deeply lost, struggling with dissociation, withdrawing and feeling very alone in this world once more. 
 
I wrote the last blog post on the 7th and chose not to mention what was really upsetting me. It was still too raw then.
 
On the 6th I received a WhatsApp from a group I’d been added to, asking for assistance with someone who was facing a difficult time.  Someone I love dearly.  The message came at a time, when I was crying out for THEIR LOVE, but was not feeling it in any meaningful measure that could have sustained me.
 
There are so many reasons why I could not respond to their message, besides the real struggle of always feeling negatively judged by these people.  I don’t feel 100% welcome in their home and that is a struggle I’ve had since I first moved to this area.  They don’t visit me very easily… in fact their visits have been extremely rare.  This has left me feeling that I am not good enough for them.  If only they knew how much I needed to feel unconditionally loved and accepted by them. They don’t show love easily, won’t participate on groups where their love could be reached by all who should at least try to be there for each other.
 
I want to feel loved and to be able to give my love freely, but they don’t accept my love.  I’ve already tried giving them whatever I am able… giving is my language of love.  But what I have to offer is always rejected by them… so again, I that leaves me feeling as though I’m not good enough.  They expect more from me than I have to give.  I offer vegetables from my yard… NO THANKS… I offered beautiful kitchen ware recently… NO THANKS… practically nothing that I have to give is received or welcomed by them… they want and expect from me that which I am completely unable to give them… it’s all or nothing…
 
I cannot leave my house easily… Why can’t they understand and believe that?
 
Besides, this month I am not using my car unless I have to, so I cannot offer lifts… in fact I never can, because the very expensive petrol prices hardly ever gets us through the month as it is.  
 
But they won’t believe that! 
 
This month, I’m trying to save for a trip to Pretoria mid-month, to go and spend a few hours with my greatest mentor, boss and dear friend who is in the country for a short holiday.  I must save the petrol to get there and back! Meeting with her is so important to me… YES, IT IS!
 
Can’t they give me that much! 
 
I walk around my house in broken slippers and rags.  I can’t afford to buy myself nice things and save my “good dresses” for going out only… I’m always last on the list in my own home. 
 
Who understands what it’s like to always be struggling to get through each month?  They are definitely doing whole lot better and earning a whole lot more, even though I do understand that their expenses are huge at this time?  I’ve discovered that when one is comfortable enough, they seem to imagine that everyone else must be too… well, right now, even in their struggle, my son and I are still NOT living nearly as comfortable as they are.
 
I’m not complaining about what I’m earning… NOT AT ALL… I am earning more than enough for the work I do… and I am extremely GRATEFUL for what I earn… I am grateful that I am not forced to leave my home to earn more.  I don’t believe I could do it anymore.  I am so very grateful for my work and for the BLESSING of working from home. I am so grateful for my “Logotherapy family” where I feel that my life has a purpose… what I have to give is ENOUGH… my work and me are accepted there… I feel valued and needed there…
 
Why wouldn’t I gravitate in this direction more readily?
 
Who could understand and believe what a BLESSING my Logotherapy World is for me?  It has kept me alive… it has kept me on my unique transcendent path… kept me climbing my mountain of HOPE… it has given me reason to TRUST someone… something… else in this world… it’s given me HOPE, FAITH & TRUST to make the choices that prevent me from giving up… choices that keep me going…
 
Everyone knows that I always feel more comfortable to visit outside my home if I feel invited and wanted.  Even my daughter knows that and invites me often.  I won’t just pitch up… it’s not in my DNA to intrude on others… my sense of worth has never been good enough to give me that kind of ability and freedom to “just arrive!”
 
But still, they don’t understand.  I’ve invited them… still waiting… I don’t have enough to offer in my home… their non-interest in visiting me, only adds to my sense of worthlessness and not feeling wanted or accepted.
 
They don’t understand… I’ve tried to accept that some people just can’t understand… but that doesn’t lessen the pain they cause by showing so little interest.  All I ask though is that I get at least 1-2 days warning before people visit, because due to my lack of confidence and lack of trust in the world and lack of functioning energy at times, and having been judged negatively all my life, I do like to make sure my house and I are decent and presentable before people arrive.  I tell everyone who I invite to just give me some warning.  There are some days when I’m so distant or withdrawn, that I can’t socialize… I feel safer alone.
 
My daughter and my own children (even my son and daughter in law) can come any time… I trust them 100% because they know and understand my struggles so much better than the rest of the world out there possibly can.  They KNOW I am a very hard worker.  They KNOW I am not lazy.  They KNOW I do my best, and, they KNOW that I can’t always cope with it all.
 
TIME… there is so much to say about my time struggles.  Where do I begin?
 
I just wrote to a Logotherapy student this morning, who has just qualified as a Clinical Hypnotherapist.  I was so interested in his work and my struggle with dissociation, that I asked him about one of my hardest daily struggles… let me share that with you…
 
But, will anyone understand anything more after reading this.  I pray you will:
 
Dear W,
 
For most of the first 50 years of my life, I practically lived in a daydream world (The Terrible Dream), which I have made a presentation on that our student’s get to watch in the Advanced course, unless you are very interested, in which case, I'd then send a link to it.  But it's best to wait until you are more entrenched in the philosophy of Logotherapy, because it was quite an intense daydream that I'd created for myself during the time I was being severely abused as a child. 
 
I have written a paper on the subject:  Some Thoughts on Daydreams and Logotherapy - https://medium.com/@logotherapysa/some-thoughts-on-daydreams-and-logotherapy-b5c8c96be148   
 
I have been blessed with the ability to help people interpret their nighttime nightmares/dreams Logotherapeutically as well as Daydream Worlds that are often created by child abuse victims.
 
Anyway, I don't live in my daydream world anymore since it was broken down and the meaning message was found in it... I no longer needed to go there.  Same as, if the meaning message of a nightmare/dream is worked out, the dreamer never needs to dream that dream again... and they therefore don't.  But these days, I tend to drift into a state that I call, The Deep Sleep... where I get so desperately tired, that I feel like I'm being dragged, swirling down a rabbit hole and that if I allow it to take me too deep, I might never wake up from it.  So, I literally struggle to stay on the surface of it and my work helps me to do that.  I have read up on “chronic fatigue syndrome”, and that apparently connects with child abuse... and also found it interesting to read the work of El Somer on “Maladaptive Daydreaming”. 
 
So, this is just some information on my kind of dissociation... I just shut down and even while I am still working, I still feel as though I'm being sucked away and would love to go and lie down and give in to it, but would never get anything done if I did... even my eyesight seems to want to turn inside out to stop me from focusing on my work... AARGH!  So, this slows my work down a lot and it will take me a lot longer to do stuff than someone else would.  And yes... depression is a constant factor, but I don't sit here crying all day... it's just a condition sitting in the background that I've grown up with and must live with and fight to the best of my ability.  I also struggle with body pain... I have studied up on psychosomatic pain and it fits... usually flaring up more when I've been upset about something.  Also, having dissociative identity disorder, for me, means that a part of my personality is always deeply sad... therein lies my biggest struggle.
 
Please… someone out there… can’t you see?  Can you please at least try to understand why it is so hard for me to leave my home?
 
And yes… I am aware that going out is helpful and stimulating, but my struggle to leave my house leaves me asking:  
 
“Where can I go where I can feel completely safe, unjudged, accepted, wanted, invited, loved”…
 
My three older children come to mind… I’m always so happy and at peace with them and their families, including their pets.  I feel completely motivated to leave my house to be with them. 
 
My life is generally a very lonely/alone one.  I have my two dogs… my best friends with me… I feel their LOVE and dread leaving them locked up alone at home. It’s not easy for me to turn my back on TRUE LOVE.  My daughter and son and family who have just left for England always welcome/d my dogs also… so they welcomed a major part of my heart to be there with us… that made me so happy and free to enjoy my moments with them all and their dogs. 
 
Unless you KNOW what hours and hours of aloneness feels like and where it takes one’s mind and energies to, you cannot judge or understand who I am and why I’d rather be at home with my Logotherapy world inside my computer (and my Facebook world) or somewhere safe where I can feel completely welcomed, free and unjudged… to be happy and at peace.
 
Otherwise, every day is a struggle for me.  I never know when I’m going to be emotionally stronger or weaker… I never know when I’m going to be able to sleep that night or not.  If I get less than 6 hours sleep, I can barely function the next day and the dissociation is so much worse.  And on top of all this is the body pain… some days it’s not too bad, and other’s it’s awful!  Very likely psychosomatic as a result of my past and triggers in my present. 
 
Read: “The Body Never Lies”: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller, if you ever want to know more. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Never-Lies-Lingering-Parenting-ebook/dp/B001VLXNAQ
 
I CANNOT MAKE COMMITMENTS TO ANYBODY… not to friends, family or at church!  PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND!!! I can only promise to love you and give you what I personally have available at any one moment in time. 
 
If you who sent me that group message were reading this, this is what I’d want to tell you:
I don’t have the financial ability… I don’t have the emotional stability… I don’t have the means to give what you feel would make me worthy of your love and attention… I only have what I have, and you keep rejecting it… it’s never been enough for you… and it is YOU that have left me feeling rejected, unworthy and in desperate need of YOUR LOVE and understanding and acceptance!  I have needed your love to be as real as mine has been for you for as long as I can remember, but I realise that you did not live my life… you can’t possibly understand… you were never as alone or hurt as I have been, or as I am now.  You probably never knew that desperate need for loving acceptance that I am possessed with!
 
I removed myself off of the group without a word… I felt that no matter what I tried to say, you wouldn’t understand… WHO POSSIBLY CAN?… and that I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t… so in the end, I was left with… WHAT’S THE USE?  I am invisible and voiceless to you…
 
To Dream the Impossible Dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is0w78dw7P8&list=PLIBwb2qTFP5n0AKlecTgxPo4HpZeUBr9l&index=13
 
The two areas of most potential for pain in my life are Church and Family… only because, they are the two areas where my need for PEACE, TRUST, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND BELONGING ACCEPTANCE reside in my heart and mind.  If one crashes, so does the other, because either way, if the one causes a dark storm in my heart, the other gets caught up in the storm also.  These two go hand in hand… both have enormous power to help me with my healing and both have enormous power to destroy me!  Religious judgements are the worst and most damaging, destructive and destroying of all!!!  
 
If only they KNEW how much I love and need their unconditional LOVE… IF ONLY THEY KNEW!
 
THANK YOU to those who understand… THANK YOU SO MUCH!
 
~ Panayiota