Childhood longings still causing emotional, socializing and relationship setback in my adult life.

​A painting of me as a child done by a kind house-worker, Jethro, many years ago.
 
7 April 2019
 I had really been struggling over this time as a direct result of trying to self-edit my book “again” after a long absence from it due to the computer crash of June 2017… I just couldn’t face it again after I lost all the self-editing, I’d already done on it then… and having to rehash over my past yet again was just too much!  
 
Blanking out
I was dissociating terribly… depression lack of sleep… and while I was WhatsApping my colleague on Friday 5th April, my mind went completely blank right in the middle of our WA conversation… a little stressful as we were working on some online improvements which include change, and I usually struggle with change… it scares me… I knew I was connected to my colleague as I stared blankly at the phone, but nothing else… totally gone… it took a while before I could surface and that’s when I knew that I needed to switch off the computer and just get out of here. 
 
Going out
I was blessed on the day to attend my two granddaughters’ events… one in gymnastics and the other singing… both such an uplifting gift to my heart.  I spent that time with my daughter in law and grandson also, so it was very special for me.   From there, I went with my youngest son, to look after my daughter and son in law’s house and dogs over the weekend while they went away, which took me away from my own four walls to their space which I find so relaxing and peaceful.  Even if looking after three dogs, mine included, is a little like having children to take care of, it was just good to get away from my own home for a while, and that lifted me from my slump, thankfully. 
 
While at my daughters, and in experiencing mild lonely-depression I reached out on Facebook
(I had many uplifting and supportive responses, of which I was grateful… I will add just a few here)
 
9 April 2019
MY FACEBOOK POST…
I heard only today that my dad had a bad turn yesterday... and I can't reach him anymore... and nobody... NOBODY will ever understand why?
 
I may as well say goodbye to my childhood dream of belonging to my beloved Greek family forever... it's over... I can't do this pain anymore... I would not even be able to attend his funeral if he died...
 
Who can understand but my God... and I know my dad would understand once he was on the other side and can see what is true... I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart.
 
I just wonder what he's been told... God bless him.
 
Anybody who knows me, will know that I cannot be in any space where I feel judged or unloved... I can't go where I don't feel a sense of belonging...
 
I won't answer questions or try to explain here... nobody will understand... but I am grateful to know that there are those rare and beautiful who I know would at least try... 💖
 
How I'm going to work today I just don't know... God help me please 💖
 
Some of the responses:
A.  Oh Pan feeling unwanted or misunderstood amongst those who should be offering support and love is the absolute worst. Thinking of you knowing all too well how torn one gets between wanting to be with someone while at the same time being unable to go there because the sense of rejection real/perceived is just too overwhelming.  

V.  Are you referring to your dad who goes fishing with your youngest son?
 
Panayiota
Yes, but since he lost his job, my son can't go fishing with him anymore because his off-days don't fit with my dad's fishing days, and with my son's Asperger's, he is so switched off. I ask him over and over to go visit my dad when he's off, but he's so locked into his games, he can't connect to relationship realities.... he was the same with his dog Woody who he went to training with and they were a top training team... he thrives under good supervision, invitation and a sense of belonging also... as soon as he could no longer go to training, he forgot his dog's needs... and that doesn't mean he's a bad person... he just doesn't have the emotional capacity or enough connection to relationship realities... but who can understand him also. I will keep trying to get him to visit his Papou, but I don't have the strength to fight with him or anybody... I'm just too worn out from one too many disappointments in life... there's very little left... my work and family and friends who I still believe, believe in me are all I have left to work with and live for... and my book... I have to get my book done... and other books I've written that I have longed to get published...
 
V.  I'm sorry to hear that. But your dad is an old sweetie from what I've seen you post on Fb and I'm sure he'd love to see you?
 
Panayiota
He would... and like I said... nobody could understand...
 
V.  Sorry, just a bit confused. I also don't understand but wish it could be different for you 😭
 
Panayiota
It's not your fault at all dear V... I would not stop loving you while you were still here... but it's because so few would ever understand, that I will lose more and more friends and family and they would gradually go away as has happened so often in my past... so in my mind... it's over anyway... but not you... it takes a lot for me to reach the "what's the use" place... that's where I am now with what I shared above...
 
V.  💖💖💖 I don't understand why your family are being so cold towards you, but I still love you, hang in there my friend, here for you 💖
 
Panayiota
I wouldn't say they're being cold dear friend... they just don't understand... that's all... and never had the same depth of love for me as I did for them... mine was a child's desperate longings that all came alive in a lifelong fantasy I created as a survival strategy, so it's me with the problem... not them... I need more than what they are able to give... they are just “normal” people living their lives according to their values, etc. I'm the one with the abnormality and I'm not afraid to share that... my inner child lives on and still longs and dreams for all that was lost in her childhood... I love you lots dear friend and I'm grateful for your enduring friendship here... thank you. HUGS 💖
 
V.  Aw that's so sad 😭 I think I understand, but I'm one of those who rush in where angels fear to tread so I would go visit him, no matter what anyone thinks. But I never went thru what you did as a child, that surely scars one forever and my heart aches for you 💖😘
 
Panayiota
I love you V 💖
 
V.  Love you too, Pani and hope your dad gets well soon xxx
 
Panayiota
I'm praying hard for my dad... I would give anything to be with him, but just don't know how to anymore... I definitely need prayers also... I love you... 💖
 
C.  Sorry that your Dad is not well my friend... I understand how you feel... It's not easy being the one in the family that is so different... They just do not have the capabilities to understand... The way that you feel is normal because of what you have been through... You are precious my friend... Love you ❤️🤗
 
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20). 
 
J.  I'm sorry you are experiencing this, Pan. It must be extremely painful. I had a talk with a dear friend recently about how sometimes we are left to resolve these things on our own. I know you have the wisdom and knowledge to work through it. I also know you realize not doing so would be the most damaging of all. 💖 *hug*
 
Panayiota
Bless you dearest J... and thank you. Yes, I have to work though this or I fear I might completely lose it... my very dear mentor offered to counsel with me and I think I will take her up on it, even though I can't imagine anyone understanding... I have to try find help, because this is indeed a very painful situation... I am totally alone with it for hours and hours each day, while everyone else seems to just be going on merrily with their lives with lots of company to back up and support their perspective and understanding of what's going on... and I'm seeing their reactions and responses or lack there-of, as self-righteous and unloving and that's only pushing me further and further away... I keep asking... Where is the love? ... Where is the love? ... and I'm so grateful for my Facebook refuge... be it yet another fantasy world of mine or a reality... but whatever happens, it's my friends here who have pulled me through the hardest times over so many years now. Even though I imagine, you don't/can't always understand, you are still here when I need uplifting and for that, I am so grateful 💖
 
H.  Panny... my heart is with you during this awful time. Don’t give up on that dream. We all progress in the life after this and hearts will grow in capacity; there will be true understanding; forgiveness will be sought and freely given. You carry on being pure of heart and soul and the blessings and miracles you desire will be yours one day. We will all see so much clearer then and unadulterated love will flow both ways. Meanwhile, I pray that your pain will be made bearable and that the angels will comfort you. May your beloved daddy be blessed and comforted too; may he deeply feel the love you have for him. That is a bond that nothing can break ♥️
 
Panayiota
… what beautiful words to my soul... thank you with all my heart. I do believe so much in the next life that everything will be sorted out there and there will be total unconditional love and forgiveness and togetherness forever there... it is the one TRUE HOPE I have left to hang onto in absolute faith. I love you so much! Thank you ♥️
 
H.  I fervently believe that, and it is our hope. Hope - true hope as you put it - is so powerful and imbued with promise. Love you forever ♥️
 
Panayiota
Bless you dear friend... as much as I want to be there, just believing that everything will be fixed when I get there is enough to keep me alive here, because I know I have to, no matter what... I still have so much work to do before I can go there... I love you forever and one day we will meet and embrace as true friends and soul-sisters also... maybe only when we get there, but I look forward to that day with so much love in my heart ♥️♥️♥️
 
H.  Beautifully said and I do look forward to that day, too, my friend, with much love and anticipation ♥️♥️♥️

B.  You do belong to your Greek family, Pan. No one and nothing can take that away from you. Even if it is only in spirit, you are joined to them.
 
Panayiota
That is the most beautiful thing ever... thank you dearest friend... what beautiful words. Yes, I do belong to them... I do, or why would Heaven have let them be a part of my life since I was born... it can't just be a cruel joke or fate... it has to mean something... I love you and them so much and nobody can take that away from me ever! 💖

C.  Sending warm and gentle hugs I pray you receive the comfort and answers you need ❤️  

Panayiota
I really appreciate your presence here at this time dear friend... it means a whole lot... some journeys are just too hard to travel alone, so my FB refuge is Heaven sent at times like this. I also started counselling yesterday and pray that something positive will come from that, because I feel like I'm dying inside... been awake since 2am... HUMPH! ❤️

During this time of editing my book, due to the resulting dissociation I was struggling with, I made a few slip-ups at work, by forgetting to send e-mails, etc., thinking I’d done them already or just totally forgetting that I hadn’t.  I wrote to explain to my mentor because I felt terrible when I’d ralised how my sate was interfering with my work. 
  
9 April 2019
 
My mentor responded
We are to persevere despite the hardship we are given to go through.  Persevere with the completion of editing your book and getting it published.  And go on with your wonderful work with our students despite the anguish all those memories that you captured in your book evoke in you!
 
I wrote back and mentioned an even greater struggle that was adding to it all…
 
“…I’m also facing something so sore right now added to the book struggle I was already dealing with… and I’m sure nobody could ever understand but God only, yet I know I must just keep going no matter what and I’m grateful for my work”
 
She responded
 
Do not withhold anything from me.  You know you can trust me, I want to help if I can.
 
And so, I trusted, and I shared all that had over the years, gradually led me to believe that I was never going to truly belong to my Greek family as much as I had always dreamed. I added some poems I’d written during some upsets of the past, and included as briefly as I possibly could, all that had upset me in other areas also, (not just family), since last year… where things had started to fall apart in my world and seemed to just be getting worse.  The losses and the feeling of being judged as a bad person by those who had caused the problems in the first place and managed to drag others to their side, causing even more judgment against me.  It was like a repeat of what my mother had always done to us.
 
A once off powerfully successful Logotherapy session
 
10 April 2019
 
Excerpts from the letter I wrote to my mentor (edited to protect family and past/lost friends):
“It’s hard to believe that anyone will ever fully understand, so it feels futile to try and explain and because I believed I nearly lost you the last time I saw you, I’m petrified of making things worse… I fear myself… but at the same time, I have to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve already come because of you and my Logotherapy world which I have been able to put so much trust in… my growth would have been totally impossible otherwise… I must not allow myself to forget this when my sense of worth feels shattered and I’m back in that place of nobody loves me and eating worms again!
 
The whole problem that started last year, has created a kind of downward spiral for me … the damage of trust in the other area has been devastating and has spread further, but I’m still holding on, because I know that so many others love me still… so not all is lost yet… thinking I’d lost you was huge, even though you assured me I hadn’t.  But I see over and over that you’re still there … so, it’s me I’m not trusting anymore…”
 
Poems I’d written in the past when important trust was first lost
 
FOREVER BRIGHT AND TRUE
 
When the spark goes out of a relationship and all the light departs
Hope and trust are lost as doubt fills heavy hearts
When the magic of a relationship is lost with a wave of a wand
When the love you've so relied on, fades through a broken bond
Your heart could feel quite broken, or you might fill it with bitter hate
Either way, it's pain that's hurt you and caused your downcast state
Don't let pain cause you to feel hate, its love that tears at your heart
And love alone can heal you, for of Heaven it's a part
It's important you should know that God is there with you
And the Spark of His Relationship is Forever Bright and True.
 
~ Panayiota
(7th February 1998)
 
WHEN HE MUSIC FADES
 
My heart has been hurt – so hurt
And I find now, I’m pulling away
Avoiding love and loved ones
For they might hurt me too someday
 
Who should I trust today
For I don’t have you no more
I would never have guessed you could do this
You hurt me very sore
 
It’s funny how quickly the music fades
When loyalty and trust are betrayed
I wish I never knew this pain
And in happy ignorance I’d stayed.
 
I guess it’s better now I know
Just the way you feel
But I’ll never, ever stop loving you
Though this pain is so very real.
 
Trust has gone forever
And we’ll never be quite the same
I’m sad this had to happen
Why did you have to blame.
 
If only you’d believed in me
If only you had cared
If only you had loved me too
There’s so much we could have shared.
 
 ~ Panayiota
(24th February 1998)
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
 
How strong can a Mistrust Wall be
That not even love can pull it down
I would have thought that love could pull it down
Love is strong, very strong
But just not strong enough to pull down a Mistrust Wall
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me
Surely, I can knock it down
But the pain in my heart is too great
Too often I’ve been let down by those I’ve loved
TOO OFTEN HURT
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW
FASTER, STRONGER
Every time I see you, you who hurt
I feel the pain all over again
And another row of bricks is placed on top of
THE MISTRUST WALL.
 
How can I let this happen
And yet I can’t seem to stop it
THE DAMAGE IS DONE
The Mistrust Wall is up
FRIENDSHIPS LOST
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall
Love will give up in the end
And our good friendship will be lost
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late
I know there must be a way
If only I can find it
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY
I need you still
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
I shared things during this session with my mentor, that I’d never shared with anyone else as far as I could remember.  Things I would not want to ever become public, and so I’ve deleted that here.
 
“…I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone else… maybe in therapy… I don’t remember… I kept it a secret mostly for Patty’s sake (and to protect others) … Patty still hoped and longed for her daddy’s love as it was when she visited him when she was a small child.  She’s grieving right now that she feels she’s lost her connection with her Greek family and daddy… she’s really grieving badly.”
 
It was my family’s reaction to the letter I’d written after my brother sold his shop, that showed me who was actually still with me and who wasn’t.  That was the sad part… totally opposite to what I/most would have imagined if they had have heard the whole story that I had shared with my mentor and later deleted.  The one I struggled with before, showed a desire to make it right, just in the way they spoke to me on our first visit together afterwards and I believed it was going to be good between us from then on… and one that I should never have struggled with distanced them self almost completely, with only sporadic contact, proving to “my mind”, that all the years of doubting their love was true, and making it far more difficult for healing to happen, because trust broke even further.
 
“…I don’t know how to fix this… once trust is lost, I become completely separated… I (Patty) cannot see daddy because I can’t go there where I don’t feel I belong anymore… my childhood fantasy of my Greek family’s love for me is totally shattered… but most painfully of all… I’ve lost daddy (and others I really love along with him).  If they told me he died, I would not be able to go to his funeral, because it would mean being with those who I believe judges me and don’t love me… I don’t belong with them… so I won’t be able to go… and they would hate me even more… they would blame me for his death… It’s a huge loss… I have lost not only daddy… I’ve lost them all… How can you possibly understand… how can you help me this time… ?  Thank you so much for offering to be there for me…”
 
11 April 2019
I added to my letter
“…I’ve kind of lost my will to meaning along with it all… hanging onto shreds of meaning… like my book and other future projects I hope to complete before I die and our dear Logotherapy students… so what I’m trying to say, is that I’m very alone with all of this... even when I go to pick up my youngest son from work at night… we talk and laugh like good friends in the car, but the second we walk into the door and he’s connected to WiFi, he gets hooked into his games and even on his days off I am still alone for the same reason... hours and hours of being alone with my mind... and all I have to keep me going is my work and my book and my beautiful garden that helps me to stay on my special eating plan and saves us money...
 
And my dear, dear colleague who has been working tirelessly to set up my work online to make all the MANY processes that much easier and quicker for me.  He is a "constant" in my life, and a Miracle presence that keeps me connected to my Logo-World… right now, it is him that makes it possible for me to still be going… God bless him…
 
I didn’t mention this in yesterdays letter, but I have to trust that you will understand and not get cross with me like my therapist did… but I wanted to hurt myself… the urge was so overwhelming, that I started to search frantically for my tent pole… the one I used before… a short, thin solid rod… I was sure I always kept it nearby somewhere in my room, even though I was also sure I was never going to use it again.  I couldn’t find it and the search itself was helpful, because I had time to reason with myself at how I MUST NOT!  I found another way to relieve the tension buildup thankfully, but the urge still stayed… just not as desperate… I woke with the urge still at 2am, but will do everything in my power NOT to go there… What amazed me though, was that while I was searching for the rod, I actually had a stinging pain build up in my thigh, where I would have hit… I kept rubbing over it to feel the bruising that wasn’t there… as if it should have been already… I don’t understand that, but just sharing anyway…
 
Thanks so much for your time… I pray that my stuff won’t make things bad between us… please try to think of it as happening to someone else… I try to see it that way for myself, so that I can think as logically as possible about the dynamics of how the mind is working and how to help myself… it would be so good not to have to do it all on my own… My other online Logotherapist has been very helpful over the years, on and off when things have gotten really bad, but somehow I just can’t imagine her or anyone being able to fathom all of this situation… it’s just too big and so complicated… but you asked me to share and yes… I’m trusting you to at least not be angry and turn away… I worry also that I might not be able to do what you ask… like if you told me to just go visit my dad… I won’t be able to do that, because I won’t feel safe there where I don’t feel my family’s love anymore… and I really don’t want to upset you… The thought of going thee feels like DANGER to me… I’m so sorry…
 
Before I could sleep last night, I wrote on the notepad next to my bed:
 
I Have Friends in Heaven
 
I have friends in Heaven
Who truly understand
Only the rare and beautiful here
Could ever take my hand
But my friends in Heaven
They’re with me all the way
Beautiful birds and butterflies
Often come to play
To let me know
I’m not alone
Representing those
Who are already HOME
In that place
Where I know I DO belong
Sending their True Love
Through beautiful colours and song
Whenever they’re near
Gratefully, I feel reassured
Of their Loving care
 
~ Panayiota
(11 April 2019)
 
My mentor’s response
Below is the letter I received back response to my call for help e-mail… I don’t know what it was about this response, but it was like an instant awakening to my soul… that threw a spotlight onto the childish fantasy I’d been living with all my life.  It somehow almost immediately dealt with my lifetime of longing… highlighting for me, that the depth of my longing had been born out of my childhood sufferings… it was to some extent, unrealistic, because basically, “this is the real world where fantasy is not supposed to be a part”… I did not grow up with my Greek family… I only visited them on my school holidays and as a result, I saw them in a very much elevated position… I had a picture of perfection (how beautiful my childhood should/could have been) … they were everything my home life with my abusers wasn’t.  And so… I don’t now what exactly it was about this Logotherapists response to my call for help letter, but it indeed was an Awakening for my soul… and as a result, it was extremely healing… almost instantly taking away a lifetime of agonizing pain from my still-existing, longing childhood-needs and wants mind. 
 
I know that her letter was NOT intended to hurt or insult anyone who I’d mentioned in my letter to her, but only to ACKNOWLEDGE my crying out in such a way that I’d BELIEVE that at last, someone could truly hear (Patty’s) crying pain.  I was no longer (Patty, alone with it all).  Patty had been heard at last and there was a powerful and almost instant healing that took place in that moment when I read my mentor’s response below, and for this I am truly grateful.
 
FROM ME TO YOU WITH LOVE
Dearest. dearest Panayiota,
 
What a sharp and sensitive soul you have!  It is like a razor sharp sword that cuts the bone from the marrow and sets apart the truth from the lie; the reality from the deception.  And what an artist you are - how your poems so magnificently go to the poignant heart of the matter!
 
My dearest Panayiota, I do not need to help you; to give you advice.  You are sorting things out for yourself.  And what progress you have made!  It is the most difficult and most painful reality to have to come to terms with: that you were not loved, that you are not loved; that people that should have cared and should care, have failed and fail to do so.  THE FAULT IS THEIRS.  Truth, and its consolation and its healing, is with you.  So what if they did not care?  So what if they do not care now?  So what if they are miserably failing and faltering and even downright ugly people?  So what if they have no backbone of integrity?  Who will fall?  You whom they have so cruelly hurt and continue to hurt?  What will happen to you but the power of protest?  For you there is the standing up out of the dust and the declaration of your own worthiness.  It is a worthiness that you do not need them to give to you because it is a worthiness you have!  Who then will fall apart, come crashing down?  Who will be ashamed?  You, who were unable to win over their love?  You who were shamed by them?  On whom lies the blame of that shame?  On you who only wanted their love and that tried so hard to find it?  You who loved them with so much forgiveness; you, who because they refused or did not care to receive it, were brought to this point of withdrawing it?  
 
You are gathering your pearls, so cast down by their swine - their greedy self-concerned - attitudes towards you!  
 
My beloved, the time has come.  It is a time of giving up on futile efforts.  Giving up not because of bitterness or despair, but giving up out of principle.  You have drunk to the dregs the cup of suffering which they have placed in your hands, saying:  "Lie down, that we may walk over you".  The Word that is coming to you now is:  "Awake!  Awake!  Stand up, O Jerusalem! “ (read Isaiah 51, especially verses:17-23 and ponder it!)  You are to give that cup of staggering that has poisoned you with so much insecurity and feelings of worthlessness for so long, back to them.  You will drink from it no more.  Out of your downtrodden state, the defiant power of real life and love is being provoked.  To you the Song of Solomon is being sung:
 
"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.  For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.  The voice of the turtle-dove is heard in our land.  The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell.  Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away!"  (Song of Solomon 2:10-13).
 
How much I believe in you; how much I treasure your worthiness!
 
My response
I don’t even know if I have the words to tell you how much your response means to me… and to see my true name again written by you… somehow this time it felt like a true treasure to my soul… bless you with all my heart.
 
I can’t even explain what your words do to me… and this is not the first time… they are magical… and very sacred to my soul.  How could you know… how could you… as if God Himself speaks through you…
 
Even while I was reading, (and I don’t know if this should have been the outcome of your letter… I would not have expected it myself), but I felt it was okay to go visit my dad there… I could do it joyfully… a sense of real freedom over this whole dilemma… because all the other stuff didn’t matter anymore… how on earth did that happen just by reading your letter…? 
 
I always said that even in transference, it is a wonderful opportunity for the therapist to actually be able to use the transference to help the person to heal from the level of where the transference is coming from… I really do believe that after all my experiences…
 
And how did I come this far as a result of my Logotherapy training and the support I’ve had here on all ‘my different levels…”?  Something has to be working or it just could never have happened…
 
I have to work it all out, so that I can somehow help others in the same way you and Logotherapy have helped me. 
 
I’ve read over your letter four times… read the beautiful scripture you shared and would like to go over it again when I’m less tired (I haven’t slept yet after being awake since 2am last night, but really need to)… went to eat lunch… responded to work e-mails…
 
I couldn’t just respond to your letter straight away… I couldn’t… it is far too precious… I had to try to absorb what it had done to me… why… how…?
 
I loved going into those pages in my bible and spotted other scriptures that you and your husband had shared with me in the past.  I had previously coloured Isaiah 52:13-15; Isaiah 52:9; Isaiah 44:24 and 26; Isaiah 62:1-2; and so many more… how beautiful… I think I will go through all the ones I can find from you both over the next few days… such a blessing you are ❤ ❤
 
And still my personal favourites too:  1 Chronicles 4:9-10 (I made it my prayer and it is Miraculously coming true) REJOICE! … And of course, Corinthians 13:1… and there’s more…
 
…how on earth did I ever get so blessed… I must have done something right somewhere along the path of my life… I must be worth something in the great scheme of things… I must be, or how on earth could all this goodness and healing keep coming no matter what… no matter how bad or unworthy I have ever felt I am… the blessings and miracles just keep coming… your words are a LIGHT to my soul… thank you so much with all my heart…
 
I wanted to give up on my Greek name, Panayiota … but suddenly, today, I feel that I can truly own my own name with honour… because I have not let her down and will not… Panayiota deserves her place in this world also… ❤
 
With humble gratitude… ❤
 
Shared with me by a student during a discussion on his beautiful Logotherapy portfolio of work
https://www.unk.com/blog/4-main-cognitive-distortions/
 
13th April, I visited my dad and we were so happy to see each other.  I will write about that next.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota