CHRISTMAS AT THE GREEKS & MY BELOVED SON

Christmas at the Greeks:
I just have so much catching up to do that it still feels as though I will never be able to catch up at work, at home, in my garden or ever with my life again.  So much has fallen behind because of the computer crash in June, which still haunts me… The student workshops in November which was such a wonderful, but extremely crazy-busy time for me… followed by the telephone cable theft in my area which left me without connection for days… no sooner was I reconnected, it was Christmas time… so, it has all just been non-stop for too long now… even my garden is requiring desperate attention which I am only just beginning to get to now, bit by bit. 
 
Anyway… I hope nobody is offended by my title of “Christmas at the Greeks” … all my days since my childhood, spending time with my Greek family has been the highlight of my life… I think of the film… “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” … I love having Christmas at my Greek family more than anything. 
 
This year, Christmas was spent at my little sister Mira’s house.  I enjoyed it so much with mostly immediate family and close friends only.  A really special time, to share in the joy of each other’s company and love. 
 
The food was amazing as always… so much variety… typical Greek foods… tastes… smells… textures… and JOY!  The generosity of our Greek family… serving… offering more… and more… running around… making everyone, even the children, feel so welcomed and important… 
 
I couldn’t help much, because had gout again for a few days, which was only just healing by Christmas day.  It wasn’t an acute attack, but it came pretty close.  I did have to use crutches on and off…
 
At our Christmas gathering, the children, including my 6 wonderful grandchildren and some adults had so much fun in the swimming pool.  The weather was perfect and everything went wonderfully well… again, one of my best Christmas’ ever… I think I say that every year, but for me, every “Christmas at the Greeks” is a most very joyous and memorable family and close friend occasion.
 
My Beloved Son
But as always, so it seems, there has to be some painful divide in me… some disturbance of my peace and joy that tries so hard to take away from what is meant to be perfect…
 
Yesterday, 27th December, at 05:52, I wrote to a dear friend, who I feel I can trust with my hurts and the craziness of my life: (letter in blue)
 
“I did enjoy my day yesterday (26th), thanks…
 
I literally stayed away from the computer all day… washed clothes and dishes, watered the garden in the blazing sun with a hat on and literally as I was finishing, the sky clouded over and it rained… hahaaa!  I was happy though, because I knew my garden got a deep watering as a result.  Then I weeded one bed and tied my butternut vine and some tomato branches to their sticks… I will need Andrew’s help with the others, because they’re too big and overgrown now to lift onto the sticks on my own and tie at the same time without breaking them (they are also heavy with tomatoes).  Still lots to do out there, but later in the day, I did what I could for one day on my own in the lovely cool drizzle… and also chilled and watched Christmas (feel good) movies on TV… so I really had a good day all-in-all.  
 
I needed to keep busy, because I felt so sad for my oldest son… mostly because of those who felt annoyed with him for choosing not to come to Christmas…
 
If only everyone understood that only LOVE will lift the curse… ONLY LOVE… nothing else.  Getting annoyed with him and withdrawing from him will only add to the curse that child abuse put on him… so for me, I am deeply saddened and even angry at the “world” (not my son) over his not being able to be there… and wish with all my heart that things were different.
 
It’s a mom thing… if only everyone knew the beautiful child he was before the cruel abuse stole so much of his spirit away from him… the beautiful child that I know is there inside of him still… if only they knew, they too would be fighting with their unconditional love to bring him back to his full potential again… this is a mom’s heart crying out to the “world” and begging “Heaven” to make things right for my son again… it’s so owee...
 
So, I worked all day yesterday to get through the hurting of it all… and I’ll do the same today if needed… tears just writing this… so I might need to stay physically active today also until the mom-pain thing subsides…
 
I know how to help myself, but is seems that my son may not have learnt yet how to help himself.  I feel he may still be lost down that dark and miserable rabbit hole of his past sufferings… and those who reject him in his suffering today, are only serving to keep him down there.  It’s as though each rejection and judgement just adds another lock to the door of his emotional prison, which could eventually make it almost completely impossible for him to break free.
 
God be with him and all who should love him unconditionally to help him to surface from that dark place, so that he can discover the necessary courage and strength he needs for his healing.
 
I love my son unconditionally, so it aches terribly when he can’t be with us, because I know how that feels and how hard it is to escape the awful trapping-effects of child abuse.  It is a never-ending battle!  We have to learn how to push through it, and until we are able to fully face and learn how to stand up to our ugly past, it will always be in control of our present…
 
It takes great courage to face the effects of child abuse daily and to actively do something about it…
 
I’m just letting it all out as I write this letter.  It helps to have someone to talk to and you happened to be the first person whose loving letter I saw this morning, so, this is just me reaching out from my own pain… (tears)… but don’t worry… I will stay busy… it’s the only way… lots to do which must be done anyway…
 
No need to comment… the smallest off-comment could make things worse for me… I believe that my relationship with my first son started out on my inner-child level and is still there in many ways… he was my best friend when he was small… he kind of rescued Patty at the time… he made up for so many “best friend losses” from when I was a child, so any unintentional off-comment directed at the adult-me could hurt my inner child more than she’s already feeling hurt right now… she is feeling very sad and lonely at not being able to spend Christmas with her best friend…”  
 
(When my friend did respond, she responded with “Love you.” … a perfectly loving and reassuring response… She understood the tears of my heart and I love her for that).
 
The minute I heard on Christmas morning that my son wasn’t coming to Christmas, I didn’t want to go anymore… I lost all motivation and became angry at the world, and deeply saddened all at once and just wanted to go to him to help him to be happy and not alone on Christmas…
 
If he was sick, the “Mom” in me wanted to be there for him…
 
For a split second, my thoughts went to… “What if he missed Christmas with his family, because he had someone more important, to him, that he wanted to be with” … but I had to dismiss those thoughts immediately… I could not go there… I would not allow myself to… I have to keep believing in my son’s goodness and integrity of heart… that no matter what, his beautiful spirit would prevail… he would continue to rise up victorious over all his struggles for not only his own sake, but also for the sake of his family… his children… I have to believe in him unconditionally.  The little boy he once was, still exists within him…  only, now broken as a result of horrible child abuse.
 
Somehow, I was able to divide my heart for Christmas and had a wonderful day with the rest of my family… but the hole in my soul won’t just go away, not even after such a beautiful happy day…
 
“… I wonder how many of the people there at our wonderful “Christmas at the Greeks”, remembered him with true and unconditional love on Christmas day… without sarcasm or guilt trips… and only with gentle, genuine love and acceptance, regardless of where he chose to be on the day…”
 
Child abuse victims KNOW if love is genuine or not… we’re not stupid... we learnt acutely how to tell during those years of abuse (body language, tone of voice, reading between the lines, etc.)… we need to be convinced by the genuineness of the giver of love… we have trust issues… the giver needs to earn out trust… sometimes repeatedly over the years… we need constant reassurance… the reassurance of your love today might need to be renewed tomorrow when our inner child finds him/her self-doubting for one reason or another… it can take the slightest trigger in the present to cause flashback emotions from the past… We are never fully healed from child abuse, but we can learn to deal with the flashback emotions… to recognise the triggers, and how to help ourselves and how to push through the difficult things… such as socialising.  Something as small as my Greek family calling me “Pat”, can trigger my hurting emotions… make me feel unloved and unaccepted by them… makes me feel that I do not fit in with them… that I do not belong…
 
All I wanted for Christmas was to have my own true name used all day by everyone there… it didn’t happen… but how were they to know that this was the only gift I really wanted… how were they to know… but, if they did know… would they have granted me my Christmas wish I wonder… I would sure hope so.
 
I have to consciously recognise where my hurting comes from… what triggers it, and consciously exercise my attitudinal values over it, so as not to get all caught up in the whole thing… so as not to allow it to destroy my most precious of relationships… I love my Greek family… all my life I have longed to be a part of them all… in me, it is what it is and I struggle to deal with the feeling that I will never really be a part… that I will always be an outsider of sorts… feelings of rejection…
 
Our emotional maturity gradually grows as we learn how we tick, and learn how to help ourselves and actively and relentlessly pursue our own healing.
 
I had a lovely WhatsApp conversation with my son before going to my “Christmas at the Greeks”, and that soothed my heart enough that I could enjoy the rest of my day… but still I wondered, did anyone else think about my missing son with their TRUE, GENTLE, GENUINE, PURE LOVE on the day… ?
 
“…I remember the scripture of the Saviour and the one lamb that got lost… He left the whole flock, to bring back that one lost lamb…”
 
I’m grateful for the me-time I have now that Christmas is over… time to get important things done before I get back to thinking about all that needs to be done at work still, which will start with trying to get the whole student payment thing sorted out… my worst job and most procrastinated and disliked… my most embarrassing weakness at work!  AAARGH!  I hang my head in shame!  I have to learn to get that right in my head somehow!  I believe that my friend Sheldon, is setting up some amazing online process that should assist me to keep track of the financial side of things a whole lot better.  What a blessing that will be. 
 
Today, 28th December, I’m still aching and tears surface when I am not keeping physically busy... still feeling haunted by some people's reactions to my son not joining us on Christmas… I know that they were actually only reacting out of their own disappointment at him being absent once again… but for me, their reactions were further damaging to my already hurting heart... I continue to ache as I wonder... Who really cared about him being alone, or thought of him kindly and lovingly on Christmas day... who contacted him with their LOVE.
 
CHILD ABUSE IS A TERRIBLE-TERRIBLE THING…
 
My son and I had a lovely WhatsApp conversation on Christmas morning… it was such a loving and reassuring conversation that helped me to get through the rest of the day more peacefully and joyfully.  He said that sometimes, all he needs is quiet time to recover.  I do understand what he means.  Perhaps the build up to Christmas and all the excitement and shopping, visiting/socialising expectations, etc. became too much for him.  I can only imagine possible scenarios and use my own experience in doing so.  I know that my son loves me and in the end, that’s all I really need to know… it is enough. 
 
Yesterday, I poured out my heart in a new journal I was given (from my son and family as this years’ Christmas gift) ... here is a poem I included:
 
JUDGEMENT AND FEAR KEEP HIM THERE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
A little boy sat alone on Christmas day
Locked up inside his rigid adult cell
And who really cared that he was alone
Who wrote and who tried to phone?
 
Who thought about "him" on Christmas day
Whose love could penetrate that far
Beyond the expectations of "the adult man"
To the little boy, "still forgotten and dammed"
 
Is it easier to judge when things don't go our way
And others don't tow the line by "our rules"
Is it easier to condemn "when we're feeling let-down"
And to respond with angry words and a frown
 
A little boy sat alone on Christmas Day
Locked up inside his rigid adult cell
He protected himself there from judgement and fear
While judgement and fear keep him there.
 
~ I love you my son
 
But seriously... besides these painful struggles above and the hole in my soul over thoughts of my son and missing him... I had the most beautiful Christmas day... I love my family and friends so much.
 
I know I’ve shared this below in my blog posts before, but it fits here too.  Almost 18 years ago, I wrote the following poem... but still, people just don't get it!  Unless they have been there, they just can't.  It hurts my heart to think about how many people out there in the world are really suffering, because the world just doesn't “get it" and so, they don't know how to LOVE them back to their place of healing... Those of us who have been there get it... and thank Heaven's for Heaven, because I believe that Heaven gets it... ♥
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
 
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
 
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
 
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
 
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
(8th July 2000)
 
The longer it will take people to get this, the harder the journey will become for my son if he is unable to transcend on his own… without the LOVE of this world.  It may even be too late now… but I cannot and will not give up on him until there is nothing left to fight for with my portion of love.  I have to believe that he is also fighting for his life and will continue to find ways to transcend his past… I have to believe that he will… and I do.
 
In our WhatsApp conversation on Christmas morning he wrote: “Often after spending mere moments with people, they remark on how intelligent I am, I tell them my mom trained my brain early to solve problems and learn everything, so because of you, I know and can do so much.  I am fine, sometimes quiet time is what I need to recover, Love you mom”
 
That was all the comforting hope that I needed to get through “Christmas at the Greeks” joyfully and peacefully with the rest of my wonderful family and very dear friends. 
 
It took me 50 years to find my healing place at last, largely as a result of my Logotherapy journey… I pray that my son will find his healing place a whole lot sooner.  Please pray with me… ♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota