Chronic Fatigue ~ Could it be a prolonged dissociative state?

It always amazes me, how when I’m struggling with something in particular, something will pop up on the internet that could guide me towards some answers for explaining my experience.
 
At this time, when my work has gotten very quiet (a quiet time of the year which runs over a few weeks)… hardly any e-mails and phone calls… my connection with the outside world is reduced drastically, I now find myself really struggling to stay connected to anything again.  The quietness of the days drag on and I imagine that it is possible that I sink into a constant state of dissociation that I struggle to emerge from in order to get anything done.  Even as I am typing this, I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole… I’d give anything to just go sleep the whole day away… take something to make sure I do.  Any interruption or noise seems to send out an explosion of nerves rippling through my body… like I’m hypersensitive to any stimulus… I feel so switched off that part of me wants to sink deeper into it, because the struggle to stay on top of it is hard work.
 
After writing the three catch up blog posts on Thursday, I hit a real heavy low again on Friday… I had not slept well on Thursday night, which really aggravates the whole situation… so by early on Friday morning, I was already so tired I could not hold my head up anymore… the deepest, most draining kind of tiredness I can possibly explain to anyone unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
 
I wrote in a WhatsApp conversation to a friend who identifies and understands how this feels: (adapted)
 
“I am deeply depressed today after writing yesterday’s blog posts… touching on too much emotion at once I guess.  So tired I can hardly hold myself up.  I tried napping just now, because there was just nothing left, but it was not a good nap… too much adrenaline or something… I felt the same kind feeling one feels when they are fainting… Unless you’ve fainted, you won’t understand what that feels like.  I have been feeling so heavy… like gravity is pulling me down.  Don’t worry… once work steps up again I won’t get like this as often… Work is my saving grace.  There’s loads of work to do now, but it’s not with CONNECTION and that causes procrastination, depression and a huge problem with staying connected to anything.  The quiet days are far too long… I think I’m a hopeless case sometimes.”
 
So that’s where the conundrum of my “NO TIME” problem stems from.  When I do have time to catch up on things when work is really quiet… I find it harder to do anything at all.  It seems that I function best under pressure… when there’s no pressure, I stop functioning normally and end up in that “LOST AND WONDERING” place again, struggling to find my way back to reality!  It’s a totally ridiculous situation!  There is so much PRECIOUS TIME wasted on this nonsense!!!  People seem to get annoyed with me when I say I have problems finding time… Does anyone understand now that I’ve tried to explain what I believe might be happening in me… AARGH!
 
Friday I was more deeply in that lost and wondering place again than usual but chatting with my understanding friend helped to lift me from it a bit and having something really wonderful to look forward to on Saturday also helped a lot as I prepared for that. 
 
My youngest son wanted to spend time with is siblings which I felt was unusual for him, so when he asked if we could all go somewhere together, I agreed.  He invited his siblings to join us at the local botanical gardens for a picnic.  I wasn’t sure what would happen, but we were going to go anyway, regardless.
 
I was so happy when my oldest son agreed to join us with the three children… we’ve been too apart for too long when he lived further away, but now that he’s separated and moved closer, I have seen him more often and each visit has been so relaxed, real and wonderful for me personally.  He had the children this weekend, so it was a perfect time to see them all.  My daughter also agreed to come along and last minute, my middle son and family also agreed.  It was the first time we had all been together… JUST US… in a long, long time.  My middle son took a long time to arrive, as he had other stuff to do, but once he arrived, my family was complete… even if just for a short time together.    We had family photos taken… so beautiful…
 
The day was almost perfect, but something important to my mommy heart was missing… I didn’t realise it at the time because I was having so much fun with my children and grandchildren, but a disturbing nightmare on Saturday night highlighted it for me and left me waking up once more, lost and wondering.  I can’t talk about it… but it’s something that leaves my sense of peace and happiness still feeling incomplete in this world…
 
The only reason I’m sharing this, is because this link popped up this morning and made me think that perhaps… a lot of the time, what people see as chronic fatigue, could just be a prolonged state of dissociation… an emotional state of being sucked away from reality… disconnection… a kind of self-protective emotional mechanism to avoid dealing with the reality of a seemingly hopeless situation.
 
I loved spending time with my children and grandchildren… especially having my big boy with us at this time… it feels like I have my son back again and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.  I feel a real connection to his spirit and trust that connection implicitly… I am so grateful for any moment spent with him.  It was truly a most beautiful day.
 
But… something very important to my mommy heart was missing… so it couldn’t be a perfect day, but it was so close to perfect that I will cherish the memories forever of all of us together.  It was a beautiful, warm winters day… what a blessing.
 
https://themighty.com/2018/02/signs-chronic-fatigue-not-just-tired/?utm_source=newsletter_chronic_illness&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_chronic_illness_2018-05-25
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota.