Coming back from that faraway place of “long-long ago” …

Something so strange and awakening happened to me yesterday.  As I have written previously, I  had subconsciously blocked out the existence of my dad on the day I witnessed his last day at work. Something happened in my mind that day, that was too painful for me to bear, and so I had to find a safe place for it to go, and blocked a part of reality from that moment on… pushing my Greek family as far away as I possibly could in the process so as not to feel any part of that unbearable pain anymore…
 
I gradually numbed out on a certain level of my personality… I do believe on the ‘Patty’ level, as a result of not feeling wanted when I was born, (and a possible subconscious memory of mother’s abortion attempt to rid herself of me… this was discussed in therapy).  Patty therefore experienced some levels of abuse between pre-birth to around 5 years of age.  I identify with her as stuck at the age of four to five-year-old… extremely sad to the point of needing to die to be free of tormented emotions too deep to bear… deep longings for her mother’s love… a very hurt and rejected, neglected and frightened little girl.
 
The reason I think that I was triggered to somewhere on the ‘Patty’ level, was that the day before yesterday, while I was transporting my son and co. worker to work, I was in a very sentimental and spiritual creative place.  I was noticing all the beauty around me and even commented that the streak of clouds in the sky looked just like God had taken a paintbrush and wiped it across the sky… I as fascinated by it.  There was such a sense of fascination and gratitude for such a sight, that I actually wanted to cry.  Patty is my creative inner-child… she feels deeply and needs time to express her creativity… she should not be trapped by adult concerns and worries… she needs the freedom of space and creativity.  I must find a way to help her with that instead of saying locked up behind my computer all the time.  I sensed her deep needs the day before yesterday.  My mom used to be a traveling sales woman and often took us with her.  I think that Patty enjoyed the freedom of those long trips in the car, absorbing and observing the wide-open spaces and beautiful blue sky, etc. along the way as opposed to being trapped in a house where she always had to be very careful not to upset mommy.  To this day, I still LOVE traveling out of town where there’s a sense of freedom, release and fresh air.  (Patricia has a need to stay safe… locked-up safe… and to keep the rest of me safe with her, so it was not her that felt so deeply touched and inspired by on the trip the morning before yesterday… it was Patty who was now surfacing and more than likely as a result of the recent disturbances).
 
I didn’t cry much at all since my shut-down recently… I was in my safe place on the deeply protective level of ‘Patricia’, that not even I can really explain adequately but will keep trying to find my answers, for the sake of my healing and for the sake of others who have such weird and whacky pain-filled experiences like mine.  I mentioned recently, that Patty was always quiet and comfortable, tucked away deep inside of me when Patricia was on the surface, because Patricia was her protector.  But now, Patricia was losing control over a situation/situations that had become totally overwhelming her.
 
Having safely succeeded in blocking out my dad’s existence in my world which lifted all pressure, expectations and responsibilities to preform as his adult daughter off me, I began to feel very threatened as the date of his birthday this weekend was coming up, because my youngest son and overseas sister brought the subject up… (It has crossed my mind that I greatly fear the expectations placed on me to be his ‘adult daughter’, when I have only ever been… in my mind… his little girl… still needing him to be my daddy and rescuer).
 
It’s the strangest thing to try and explain what happens when a blocking has already happened, and someone comes along and tries to unblock it without understanding how difficult and threatening it can be for me… It’s a bit like living in the twilight zone… or like being a lost traveler in some very foggy place, coming across faint signposts that are pointing the way… you either choose to turn away from the signs out of extreme fear of where they will lead you to… fear of not being able to cope with your own deep emotions… or you turn towards the signs still fearfully but, you want to find your way out, only to find that the fog is still too thick and you’re still lost… you want to cry out for help, but you can’t think of anyone who would possibly understand… who could find you there and help to lift the fog.
 
So, yesterday, being only three days before my dad’s birthday, I found myself even more lost than ever… like I wasn’t searching for a way out anymore, or even running, because the place I was in had become so treacherous that I was too afraid to move… I felt completely paralysed, even though I was still messing around on Facebook in my attempt to stay connected to something or someone… and I was still able to write a blog post, but otherwise the day was pretty weird… it seemed to pass very quickly, as if there were gaps in my memory… time had secretly passed by while I was unconscious, yet conscious… how else can I explain it all.
 
Late in the day, I realised that all my curtains were still closed, and it was kind of dark inside.  I felt safer with the curtains closed.  Like… my house wasn’t feeling safe anymore… what if someone came to try and unblock what I had blocked… I was really scared and had a real sense of being in danger…
 
Next thing, my cellphone started to ring (family), and someone was hooting outside my yard… the very thing I was fearing for days was happening!  Immediately I started to feel panicked… suffocated… very tight chest… pounding heart… instant headache… EXTREME FEAR RACTION!  I became more hypervigilant than usual… felt as though I needed to hide, or to find an escape… I knew there was none.  Like a thief in my own home, I literally crept to the front door to make sure it was locked… petrified that the neighbours would let my family in.  What did they want?  They had no idea that in my mind, they had already left it too late to now, just arrive without any warning.  What did they expect me to do with that… I was already too lost in that foggy place.  I wished I had a way to secure my entire house in some kind of thick metal box to make it impenetrable (a coffin-effect)… the sense of EXTREME DANGER was overwhelming!
 
I gather it was my sister and nephew outside… did they have my father with them… how could they know what was happening in me and why that was frightening me so much…
 
I had not looked at our family WhatsApp group messages since my father’s birthday was mentioned on the 4th January where it suddenly became yet another danger zone for me.  Yesterday my sister sent me two WhatsApp messages when she was at the gate… I have still not been able to look at them, but I’m sure I will soon… when I can. 
 
Being so fearful of my house and emotions being invaded and feeling as though I was in danger, I started to think that  maybe, they will begin to worry about me because I was not responding, and send the police… that scared me even more… so I sent my sister a WhatsApp message to explain that I could not take messages or visitors, but I was okay.
 
Bizarre reaction analyzed
I was pretty much shut down for a time after that… the panic symptoms, tight chest and headache did decrease over the next few hours, but they did not go away until much later  What helped was that I had to go pick up my son and his co-workers from their work, so the sense of responsibility towards that task kept me from sinking too deeply. 
 
But for the rest of the day, I kept thinking deeply about my bizarre reaction to my sister and nephew’s attempt to visit and their calls… I could not believe how frightened my emotional reaction was.  It made no sense to me… I LOVE my little sister and nephew, even though I had been going through a state of mistrusting the love of my Greek family since my brother sold his shop without sharing that with me at all… it was the shock of that and a few other times in my past where I’d felt rejection by my family, which had caused all these weeks of separation-turmoil in my heart and mind, and in our family. 
 
Logic told me, that they were most definitely NOT there to harm me… that was not their intention, but I had no way of telling them that I knew that, when I was struggling so much with the fear-filled flashback reaction I was experiencing.
 
I desperately wanted to write to my online therapist… but thought… this is too big even for her… who could understand at all.  I thought about the lady whose website post I’d shared on my blog post on the 9th January… Lilly Hope Lucarioshe would definitely understand and be able to advise me… I tried so hard to contact her, but to no avail.  She is not available to answer questions, etc… I thought about Alice Miller, an author whose book I love “The Body Never Lies”, although I haven’t finished reading it yet.  I thought of Dr. Nadine Burke Harris… I have her book, “The Deepest Well”… I must find time to read it… she would also KNOW, but how would I be able to reach them… All I knew was that I needed help right there and then. 
 
The more I questioned how ludicrous my reaction had been, the more I questioned what Patty must have been through to have had such extreme fears… what had frightened her so much when she was so little.  I know it was mommy… but what had she done to instill that much fear in such a small child.  How could I help Patty now on my own…?  I have had to learn the hard way, that nobody else can help an inner child locked inside of an Adult self… (maybe the people I mentioned above would have some ideas for me), but for now… I’m on my own… still desperately trying to find my answers and to help my inner children to find healing… to help myself to put back all the pieces that were broken apart by the abusers of my past.
 
So many thoughts coursing through my mind… such a crazy-spinning-dilemma.
 
What I was able to do, was to find my place of absolute empathy for Patty… Even though I did not have any real answers for her to somehow find a way to hold her close in my heart… to reassure her of my unconditional love for her and in doing so, I was able to soothe and calm her fears.  Comforting Patty would help Patricia also to feel more in control of her/our situation.

​Last night, I slept reasonably well… almost 7 hours.  I could feel when I woke up, that something had shifted in my mind… the empathy I had shared with my Patty, I was now feeling towards my family also. 

I woke up to a letter this morning from my far-away sister, and in it was the words:

"Whatever you choose, I am with you."

That stood out for me and was a huge strength to me, because I wanted to believe it was true... no matter what... I was not alone.

Yesterday, in my desperation for someone to talk to, I ended up on a Facebook page where people prayed for each other, so I reached out for them to pray for me and my family... there were so many responses... and I responded to each and every one with gratitude... I believe that all those prayers sent by strangers (earth family) and all their words of love and their hugs sent, held power also to change my situation... I am grateful to them all... complete strangers who took the time to pray for my family and I... what a blessing ♥ With every message sent to me, I shut my eyes and repeated their words and actually felt their love and hugs as if physically... it was very special.
 
I think that what also helped also with my emotional shift was that Shem (the wonderful helper to all) had visited me on Wednesday, to help me get my house in order.  It had gotten so out of hand with the rush and long hours of the workshops, Christmas and then the housesitting, that I was just not coping anymore.  Then today, Shem came again to help in my garden, preparing beds, cleaning at the front and back, planting, mulching, moving pots, etc.  
 
When things around me are in order, it helps to create more order inside of me also.  I am truly grateful for Shem… he is the most willing, kind helper who is loved by so many.  I pray that he will never be used, because he does NOT deserve that for all he puts in to help each and every person who relies on his excellent services.
 
Right now, I’d like to raise money for Shem to have a bicycle again.  He took his last bicycle home during his holiday recently to give to his son to get too and from school.  I think we’d need to raise at least R1000 for him to get a decent second hand one.  There’s no promises he won’t take that one back to his country on his next holiday there for another relative in need, but that’s the heart of a good man and it is his family back home that he is working so hard for as well as just the obvious joy he receives in serving others here.
 
If anyone is willing to contribute for Shem to acquire another bicycle, I’d be so grateful.  I will leave my fundraising link below and when he has his new bicycle, I will post a photo of him with it.
 
Anyway, today with working in the garden with Shem, I have felt so much better and freer from my recent struggles, (the fog is lifting) and although I have still not been able to read all the recent WhatsApps on our family group, or listen to my near-by sister’s messages from yesterday, I was still able to go onto our family WathsApp page and post what I hoped to be a reassuring message to my family.  I wrote:
 
“Good afternoon family.  Just to let you know that from my side, things are improving.  I understand that there might still be tension due to lack of understanding, but there’s nothing I can do about that.  I’m okay with whatever, so long as you are not too far away.  Taking it slow still… Have a blessed rest of your day”
 
There were three reassuring responses which meant a lot to me… but then one member posted a picture of herself with my dad… Instant panic response again… so I have not been able to go back on there…
 
It was too soon…  
 
Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a continued shift towards healing… I don’t know how long this flashback thing will take before it is gone… but I am very grateful for the release of tension in me through progress that I have felt today.
 
I am very tired now and will be off to sleep shortly.  Goodnight beautiful world…
 
~ Panayiota​

Fundraiser R1000 - for a bicycle for Shem