Conversation with a Friend ~ 5 ~ Helping the inner child

Posted - 28 September 2015 – am ~

In response to the poem (The Only Miracles) that I posted recently, a friend wrote:

Friend:  Very, very true! Oh how to control that inner child! Release may feel good for a moment but destructive forever......xxx

And I responded:

Pana:  I used to feel the same way, but have learnt so much about how to help rather than control the inner child, through learning how to "nurture" him/her.  I learnt in therapy that there were certain activities I needed to consciously do to help my inner child which I will touch on some ideas very briefly below:

• Creative activities that my inner child would enjoy, such as...
  

        o    Colouring and painting pictures, moulding clay, paper craft, building Lego structures, etc.
(Goal... relieving anxiety and calming)

• Fun activities such as...

        o    Getting out and smelling the roses, swimming, playing ball with my grandchildren, laughing and exercising, dancing in the rain, etc.
(Goal... forgetting problems... dereflection...)

• Focusing on what is “good,  beautiful and true” such as...

        o    Sunsets, creation, wild life, gardening, heart-warming movies, uplifting stories, poetry, etc.
(Goal... changing one’s mood orientation to a more positive, peaceful and hopeful one)

• Honouring my inner child by...

        o    Finding and giving a gift to myself every day and literally saying to my inner child, “Patty, here is a pretty flower I picked up especially for you today, because I love you very much and I’m so glad you are a part of me”.
(Goal... learning to acknowledge, accept and love my “self” more)

Understanding and working with one’s inner child, is far more productive and healing than denying his/her presence.  

• I guess the first step is to find out if they have an inner child, and I truly do believe that if you were abused/neglected in any way as a child, then you do have one.  I believe that a part of us at the time of abuse/neglect, becomes stuck and trapped in a time warp at the very age when the abuse occurred... forever longing for what never was... forever reacting to what the child felt and experienced at that time... fears, anxieties, flashbacks, trapped anger, sadness, shame, guilt, etc.
• The second step would be to acknowledge his/her presence inside.

        o    Then to get to know his/her fears, feelings, behaviours, etc. in the here and now of our life and how they affect our adult life... boundary crossing issues, perception problems, reactions to stressors, etc.... and to try to work out the “why’s and how’s” in relation to what the child might have been experiencing at the time of their abuse and the age of the child, what originally happened to the child if you can remember and how it might have affected the child’s development, etc.

• Then to actively engage in ways to best help him/her...

        o    your adult-self taking responsibility for him/her.
        o    your parenting-self helping to re-parent him/her. 

Keeping in mind, that our child-self can NEVER go back into the past and get what they missed out on there...

As in my case, I can never go back and find the love of my mother that I longed for, for as long as I can remember.  I cannot go back and have her hold me in her arms and nurture me in a way that “should have been”... I cannot hope to go back to hear and believe her words... “I love you”, and so... the best I can do, is to learn how to give to my inner child what she always deserved and longed for to help her to heal and in the process, to help myself to heal by creating a harmonious situation that will allow Patty to gradually integrate with my adult self in such a way, that she will “no longer be so needing to be nurtured and rescued by others.”

In many ways, what you and I achieve by withdrawing from society and becoming recluse, is to perpetuate the cycle of our inner-child's sad and sorry state... her history repeated over and over and over... no escape... trapped for as long as “we choose” to keep her trapped by adhering to our own negative behaviour patterns, etc. 

We can blame our abusers for what they originally did to us and how it affected our lives... up and until we know better, and then we have nobody else to blame but ourselves if we don’t choose to do something about it in the here and now of our lives.

We have to think of “that child from way back then”... the one who has been trapped inside of us ever since that awful time when the abuse was first inflicted on him/her.  They had no choice at time when they were imprisoned by the abuse...  

We have a choice now.

What child wants to be stuck inside their adult self forever... suck in the four walls of the adults choosing day in and day out...

Somehow we need to learn how to laugh and play again... how to delight in the little things... how to trust again... how to set ourselves free...

TIME TO SET ME FREE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

I’ve kept myself a hostage to my pain,
Hiding myself away from life’s inflicting shame.
I’ve bound myself with memories from cruel hard years,
And drowned myself in the floods of my ever-flowing tears.
I’ve lost myself in the deserts of hopeless end,
And struggled to find an oasis of rest, that faith could send.
I’ve eaten the bitter fruits of fear along the way,
And here alone in my dungeon, I chose to stay.
My abusers still had power, even though they were gone,
The damage they caused, I held onto for so long.
I would not let it go, yet I knew that it would kill,
Though many years had passed, I held on tightly still.
And now, I’m all worn out from the burdens I’ve carried on my own,
Yet through it all, I know that I have grown.
I’ve reached a place where I’m finding peace at last,
And in the pit of yesteryear I wish all my horrors to be cast.
That they may no longer have such fatal power over me…
Yes, it’s time I let them go now, and set me free!

(17 April 2005)

~ Pana