Daddy’s 88th birthday party

​On 13th January, I did attend daddy’s 88th birthday party.  It took a lot of courage for me to go there against the sides of myself that wanted rather to run for the forest to hide, but I just knew I needed to be there because there was no way to explain to my dad why I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to hurt him.
 
My far away sister had so gently sent her strengthening encouragement to me in an email sent two days before our dad’s birthday.  She so wished to be at his party, but she couldn’t, so I realised, that I could be there for both of us. 
 
Her loving words that made all the difference were:
 
“Sometimes we need to do things afraid.” and “Whatever you choose, I am with you.”
 
Her total acceptance of me (even in my weaknesses), in those words, is what I call unconditional love and that’s where I have always drawn my courage and strength from… from a sense of being genuinely LOVED.
 
My close-by sister had not contacted me since the day I expressed my upset over not feeling loved by my Greek family, so I felt very uneasy about visiting there… for me, a bit like walking into a DANGER zone.  But on the morning before my dad’s birthday, she sent a WhatsApp: 
 
“Are you coming tomorrow?  Please come.”
 
I was very honest in my response: 
 
“Thank you (heart) It will take huge courage to come… I feel sick thinking about it… but I know I will feel at home again when I get there so I’m going to take a chance on that.”
 
And she responded happily, adding:
 
“You are always welcome here and this will always be a home to you.”
 
In that moment in time, I really believed her and that made all the difference to leaving my home to attend the party the next day.
 
(I can’t even remember how I got there… racking my mind to remember… GONE!  I just know I never used my own car… shew!)
 
Anyway, what was very special to me on the 13th, was that I had to take my youngest son to work early.  Usually he goes and opens the gate as we are leaving around 6am, but I went out much earlier and as I reached the gates, hundreds of birds just suddenly appeared from all directions chirping their little heads off as they were joyfully beginning their day’s journeys and greeted the morning.  It was the most unusual sight… they were just flying in every direction in groups, with one or two doves cooing whilst sitting on the cables on the other side of the street facing me.  I honestly felt as though I had been greeted by all these birds… as if they were inviting me to rejoice in the day with them.  And by now, if you have read some of my other blog posts, you know that I try to see positive symbolism in all things like this… as if Life is bringing messages of reassurance, meaning and love to me.  I welcome such messages and take them as if they were hugs from Life given especially to me… they are like my regular dose of LOVE from the Universe.
 
And it didn’t end there.  After dropping  my son off at work, I started work on making something for the lunch which was going to be around 1pm at my Greek sisters, so I had plenty time to cook some spinach squares to take with and some of my own style of Moussaka also, according to what I can eat on my eating lifestyle plan that works so well to control my diabetes and gout without medication.  Practically all the herbs and vegetables in both dishes were taken fresh from my little vegetable patch which I find so rewarding.  
 
At the same time as all the cooking and cleaning, I also did a load of clothes washing.  It was close to time for me to leave when I hung the washing on the line.  As I was going outside with the basket full of clothes, a beautiful big butterfly, (black with irregular yellow spots), flew very close, right past me a few times… (I looked it up a few days later, to try and identify it and found that it is called the common swallow tail butterfly, also known as the lime or lemon butterfly, because that’s where it likes to lay its eggs.)  Now for me, whenever I’ve been afraid or worried about something, one of these butterflies appear.  I never seen them any other time, so it is immediately a reassuring comfort for me to see one so close to me.  As I hung the washing, the butterfly disappeared behind it, but reappeared underneath the washing and sat for a moment on the mint leaves, less than a foot away from me, facing me before flying off again and disappearing.  I found myself speaking to it… “Who are you… I wish I knew… thank you for visiting today… I love you.”  (overcome by the sense of comforting-reassurance that it had brought to me)
 
So, feeling so much braver and happier, I was able to comfortably visit with my family to celebrate my dad’s 88th birthday party, and I’m so grateful I did.  I had a lovely day and my near-by sister spent a lot of time with me and I with her.  I felt her love on the day and as a result, I felt I was not alone there.  I have not heard from her since, but it’s okay.  Work has stepped up for all of us and children back to school… so life continues to separate…
 
I do believe though, that dynamics would have inevitably changed forever after all of this.  Some damage to trust on both sides must have occurred and that’s a negative that I hope with time will heal itself.

A change in my own mind-set towards how things were always supposed to be, to what they actually are in reality, is not a bad thing… maybe sad on the level of my inner child who has always lived in a fantasy world of believing so strongly in the unconditional love of my Greek family.  But like I’m so often reminded… life is not about fantasies and shouldn’t be lived as such… life is about realities and if it took me 62 years to realise this truth, then I just have to accept it now. 

It is NOT that THEY have done anything wrong.  They were not living by my fantasy… that on its own, was all about me… me and all that I’d been holding onto for so long as a method of self-preservation from my past… it was what was keeping me going as a child… and still, for most of my life up till now.  It does not mean that they don’t love me… or that their level of love for me has changed… it is the realization only, that going from fantasy to reality is a huge quantum leap on my own healing journey.  A necessary leap… one that has to be taken in faith and in love…
 
So… in this new reality, could I live without the fantasy of their unconditional love for me… is it something that I still need to hold onto as if it were a life or death need?
 
It’s taken 62 years to find an answer to that question that I had never even thought to ask myself until now…
 
No it's not something I have to hold onto and if I don't, I will shrivel up and die.  

I can live with this new reality… I can… as long as I still have them nearby… so long as I can still visit with them from time to time…
 
Even if not 100% anymore… even with damaged trust of late…?
 
Yes… yes… yes… I’d rather have them in my life under a new reality, than not at all…
 
It’s okay… it’s okay… it’s okay… and I feel some semblance of peace and gratitude in this realization.
 
My inner child might have lost the long-grasping onto-fantasy… but I am now in a place of healing where I am able to reassure her and comfort her in this new reality.  

Reality is the best place to be… it’s the only REAL place… it cannot hurt as much as losing grips on fantasies… Dying fantasies hurt so much more.  Fantasies require expectations of others that are beyond reality and most often beyond their ability to respond to… whereas reality releases one of those expectations… it is more freeing to live in reality… I might breathe a little better now…
 
My lovely daughter took me to visit my dad again this last Saturday.  My Greek brother was there, and he hugged me when I arrived and again when I was leaving… I feel trust and reassured of his love and believe in my heart that all is okay between us still.  I’m very grateful for that. 
 
My poor daddy is so deaf, it’s hard to have any kind of conversation with him.  My daughter did better than I could have.  It took me all my life to finally find my daddy, but by the time I did, he could no longer hear much, and I’ve never been able to really know how to be with him.  I am happy to be in silence with him and love being in his company… but how to communicate verbally… I don’t know how… it’s too hard… I really don’t know how… I’ve never had that with him, even though we almost reached the possibility of it a few times and had some really special, but brief (in passing) “speaking moments” together.  It seems that old age stole any real chance I ever had of really getting to know him… HUMPH! I only ever really knew my dad in a relationship of “little girl and beloved daddy” … I don’t know how to make it anything else, even though I’m a grown woman now… God help me please… (feeling very sad today).
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota