DID ~ Dissociative Identity Disorder ~ Example

Recently I posted a blog post and a few days later after much thought, I deleted it from the site.  Some readers have asked me to re-post it, but instead, I will post the parts that I feel would be helpful in putting together a new blog post instead about DID, because today I found another really great link on the subject which I feel is important to read in order to understand the subject even better.
 
I sometimes repeat stuff like my poems or links that I have used in other articles… my reasoning for this, is that I feel to reinforce messages that I share and also, knowing that not everyone has the time to read every blog post, so hopefully the right person will be drawn to the right post for them at the right time.
 
Previous link share:  
https://information.pods-online.org.uk/what-is-dissociative-identity-disorder-did/
 
Today’s link share:    
​https://www.instituteforcreativemindfulness.com/icm-blog-redefine-therapy/fighting-dissociation-phobia-and-coming-out-as-a-professional-with-a-dissociative-disorder-dr-jamie-marich
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(14 October 2014)
 
Doing an exercise in a class I was attending recently, triggered a deeply sad emotional state for me.  Feeling an unsettling sense of loss at my personal place of safety, my comfort zone and my happy place… that it is all being threatened and turned upside down is ultimately draining me of my sense of peace and belonging.
 
During the exercise, my inner-adolescent, Patricia, burst to the surface so unexpectedly, filled with her emotions and her wanting her voice to be heard, writing her feelings in no uncertain terms on my piece of paper and later in the now deleted blog post. 
 
I am aware of her presence when this happens.  She brings emotions of absolute frustration due to a desperate need to protect those she loves in a situation that appears far too BIG for her (as it was where these emotions originated in her past)… there is therefore also a deep sense of hopelessness.
 
On the deleted blog post I shared (adapted):
And with that, a surge of tears, bursting inside, overflowed to the surface… Crying more on the inside than I could bear, I put my head down on the table as I sunk deeply into that fit of despair… I felt myself falling down the swirling-darkness of the rabbit hole once again… dissociating… an emotional cut-off from the intensity of my inner-world pain, and my surroundings.
 
Not knowing how to fix what I feel is being threatened and broken, I once again, take my deep pain, wrap it in cotton wool and tuck it away… to keep going on for another day… so, I deleted the blog post.
 
Patricia (my inner adolescent) is again silenced in the process, after a gentle inner-dialogue to reassure her that it is important that it be this way, because she can hurt others when she speaks her mind.  We can’t allow that… I think she understands, because she is more at peace now that she’s at least had a chance to express her feelings.  She mostly never had a voice through all the years and now that she has, I need to help her to learn how to maintain self-control for a greater good.
 
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Do NOT express it!  Go on!  Go on
Hold it all in!  Quieten that sad song
Do NOT express it!  Do NOT cry out
Do NOT argue!  Do NOT shout
 
Tuck it away!  Go on!  Go on
Who can hear your mournful song
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’
To discover your true self!  To see your own face
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST
Search your own light, for ‘IN YOU’, you must trust
 
Move forward!  Climb high! Never give in
Hold tightly God’s hand!  ‘Life’s’ between you and Him
Grasp your ‘life’s meaning’ – ‘life’s purpose’ for you
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you MUST DO
 
Try to believe ‘it’ and never let go
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so
When you defiantly stand for ‘YOUR GOOD AND YOUR TRUE’
Then nothing can stop ‘that course’ meant for you
 
You are unique and so is your work
So, do not abandon it and do not shirk
The world is waiting for what you can give
Sharing your purpose is the true way to ‘LIVE’
 
Keep moving forward
Life’s blessings will come
Emerge from the darkness
Enter the sun
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(Tuesday, 26 October 2010 – Thank you Teria)
 
ACTIONS FOR SURFACING AND HEALING
So, what do I do when I find myself falling down the rabbit hole.  I am aware it’s happening, but it feels out of my control.  I used to jump up and run out of the room crying… go hide myself away… totally embarrassed and feeling like a fool.  But my Logotherapy family have taught me, that I can “BE” in their presence.  I can be me, warts, tears and all.  So, I don’t run from my own emotions anymore for fear of more ridicule… I stay… allow myself to sink into that falling place for a while… no good fighting it, it’s far too intense in the moment… then I lay my head down and instead of panicking, I relax every part of my being… my mind, my body… my heart… until I’m not falling so fast anymore… the internal crying ceases… tears on the inside stop overflowing on the outside and I am able to start to resurface.
 
I gradually begin to reconnect with my surroundings again… I hear their voices… make a point of listening… catching the scattered words which at first sound mumbled but are soon identifiable again.  I stay with the voices and the words, until I can lift my head once more.  But I’m not ready yet to completely reconnect with the group… I keep myself on the surface by beginning to doodle… doodling gradually draws me back to my adult-self once more… it gives me safe-time to recover… still detached from the group, but still there with them… if that makes any sense.  Where I used to run and hide, I now trust myself and my family there enough to stay and face my own reality… my own weaker emotions and states of being.
 
Gradually I am able to reconnect with the group on level ground once more… almost as if nothing happened… participating and being with them.  I am so grateful for my healing journey and owe so much of it to my studies of Logotherapy and to those who have always believed in me and stood by me along the way… my steadfast faithful friends and family/extended family and my Logotherapy World keeps me going.
 
It is important to note, that all the above is based on my own personal perceptions… it’s about me and my spirit feeling lost at this time for some reason only my inner-self can explain… It’s about my inner children… Patricia and her over-protective, rebellious nature and Patty, in her tearful, fearful brokenness.
 
I recognise this and a quote by one of my dearest friends comes to mind…
 
"Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations.  Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?”" ~ Henry Mason
 
That’s where my focus must be for now… and, to work to help LOVE this situation right.  My emotions of frustration and fear at what I perceive as “impending loss or an end”, will only add negative fuel to what is already feeling wrong in my world…
 
Only LOVE can lift the curse of any bad situation.  This is my life’s message to the world and I need to live by it also.
 
A great therapist once wrote:
 
Changing the information processing
Children who are subject to chronic abuse are forced to train focus away from language and verbal content toward non-verbal, danger related cues such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and so forth.  This type of processing facilitates a quick response to danger, but occurs at the expense of abstract reasoning and the use of language and ideas.  Such children are hyper vigilant and are often misdiagnosed as having Attention deficit disorder (Naparstek 2006:85) from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)
 
So, I don’t know if my perceptions are real or imagined, I only know that they ARE… I know I feel as though I am in danger of losing my wonderful extended family … another loss I already know I won’t be able to bear easily, because even the hint of such a loss is already affecting me deeply… I feel like I’m fighting (on the inside) for my life.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota

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