EMOTIONAL DILEMMA SOLVED ~ HEALING ANSWERS

​Conversation edited and shortened where possible
 
FEB 19, 2020, I WROTE TO MY MENTOR
…. I've been taking advantage of a quiet spell and started studying my "Sacred Dying Doula" course (module 1 of three) since yesterday…
 
MY MENTOR RESPONDED
… What is the course that you are doing?
 
PANAYIOTA
I mentioned it to you before.  A Sacred Dying Doula course... Someone who sits with the dying person and assists them through their last days/hours and also assists and counsels with family, friends, etc. where needed.  I've sat with many a dying person and found it to be one of the most spiritual of experiences for my soul, so it's wonderful to find a course where I can at least learn a bit more than I have already learnt naturally, and maybe be there in a more confident and proficient capacity for the dying person, and their family and friends in the future.  I don't intend on leaving my current work to pursue this... I don't think I'm ever going to be brave enough to go out of my way to use anything, not even my logotherapy skills, to make money, but, I want to be known as someone who will be there (a friend in need), ready, willing and able when a friend or family member is dying.  Maybe I am preparing myself for my dad's passing.  I don't know.  I'm just grateful for the opportunity of this course opening up at this time, for me to study up on.
 
 
I then took the opportunity to speak to my mentor about finding someone to talk to about something that had been weighing me down greatly of late:
 
I need to talk to somebody about my stepfather... I know you are very busy, so I've just kept quiet until now, but it's not going away.
 
Do you think I should chat with Batya or someone else you can think of who could just help my mind to settle after finding out he's in Johannesburg in an old age home with Alzheimer’s?  Maybe Marylyn.
 
I'm trying to block it all out, but it's niggling at me, because I feel that my inner child needs justice and just because he has Alzheimer’s, does that mean I just forget about it... LET IT GO!  I've hated those words for so long now!
 
I certainly don't want vengeance... but why should he get away with what he did just because he has Alzheimer’s?  All children should be acknowledged HEARD and protected... even inner children if there is to be any real healing.  And is it possible he did the same to other children somewhere out there... ? 
 
BUT THEN, the TERRIBLE FEAR of doing anything at all... And so I'm left in limbo... like I'm lost in that desert place again... no way out... (studying this course is keeping my mind on something else). I have thought about finding out exactly where he is, and going with someone stronger than my extremely frightened inner child to confront him, but I wouldn't want the nursing staff there to know.  My purpose wouldn't be for him to live in hell while he was still here; that's God's work to decide his punishment for anything he did in his past.  Only God knows his full story and the whys and wherefores of his cruel behaviours...
 
But what about MY healing... BUT FAR TOO AFRAID... I feel flashback reactions coming on if I allow myself to even think momentarily about a confrontation really happening... so I BLOCK IT OUT INSTANTLY...
 
Doing NOTHING goes against everything I believe in as far as protecting children goes and fighting for the rights of the abused.  Doing nothing means that everything I write about… everything I do regarding opening my life up so publicly in order to speak about the lifelong debilitating effects of child abuse and my deliberate efforts and personal fight for healing, is a SHAM!  I'M A SHAM!
 
But doing something seems impossible... TOO MUCH FEAR!  No answers... this one is too hard!
 
MENTOR
Dearest Pan,
 
Frankl talked about turning a horrible and very adverse situation, like the one your terrible stepfather imposed on you, into a personal victory.  It did not have any vengeance or hostile counter-action against the perpetrators about it.  Why?  Because it would lower the injured person to the level of the perpetrator.  "Come out from among them, touch not the unclean thing" Hashem (God) says to us in Isaiah 52.  Hashem also states:  "Vengeance is mine." 
 
Remember the story of Dinah in the camps?  She came across a drunken Nazi who lay passed out on the ground.  Next to him was his gun.  They were completely alone.  There was no-one else around.  She could easily have taken the gun and shot him.  She didn't.  Why?  She realized, just as Frankl did when, after their liberation they were walking through a field of flowers and one of them was stomping and trampling the flowers under foot.  He was venting his anger, his need for revenge.  What did Frankl say to him?  "If you want to wreak vengeance, you are no better than the perpetrators." 
 
What did Frankl mean with a personal victory over adversity?  It was more than a spiritual or self-transcendent stand.  It was the kind of stand voiced by Nelson Mandela upon his release.  He said that he realized that if he did not leave his bitterness behind him, he would still be in prison.  But does this mean that they would do nothing about the injustice they suffered?  No! They became extremely active in taking a stand against the wrong.  How?  By doing the right, by fighting the causes of meaninglessness in the case of Frankl, and the causes of injustice in the case of Mandela. 
 
Your triumph over the evil done to you by your evil stepfather is to stand up for the sexually abused; in telling your story; in advocating the right of children to be protected from abuse; to expose the horrific effects of such abuse on the person of the abused; in becoming active in helping people out of the kind of misery which you have suffered.  This is how good triumphs over evil.  Promoting the good, is exposing the evil and the horror of eternal judgement and alienation from society such evildoers bring down on their own heads. 
 
We have the responsibility to expose the evildoing of the wicked but we do not fight them ourselves.  There are institutions in any law-abiding society that will bring such people to book; that will bring them to justice in prosecuting them and jailing them.  This is not the individual's role.  We are not to take the Law into our own hands.  Here in Israel a war may be declared in the defense against those who plot our downfall and kill our people at random and without mercy.  But even here, moral standards of war prevail.  We do not, in response, seek only to kill and obliterate our enemies.  We only take a defensive stand in protection our own. 
 
If your stepfather was in a position to abuse your children, then you would stand up against him, report his actions, have him brought to book.  What can you do now? 
 
If there is some action you can take to expose and confront him, then do so.  Maybe, yes, to go and tell him to his face that you have survived all that he has done to you but without a trace of vengeance or bitter hostility.  Your hatred of him is pure.  It will be a triumphant statement of fact.  Remember the story of Eva Weiss, how she vowed to return to Auschwitz in having survived it?  Her triumph is standing in the gas chamber was to say to those who have inflicted such horror upon her and her people:  "You were not able to destroy my humanity!"
 
Your frustration, and our frustration here in Israel, is that evildoers are getting away with murder, that they are not exposed and brought to book.  It is a challenge of faith and dignity.  Faith in the truth that evildoers will be defeated in their conniving and ugly aims and behavior and destroy themselves.  Their deaths would be the end of the matter for them.  And we, who have survived their gross indecency?  We will pass through; our deaths would swallow their doings in sublime victory.  How? in our confrontational stands yes, but even more particularly, in our devotion to ease the suffering of others and in becoming the opposite of the kind of people such evildoers became.  We will be triumphant and exemplary human beings.  We would have supreme dignity!
 
What am I saying to you, Pan?  You must figure that out for yourself.  If your sense of dignity dictates that you should go and personally confront him, then yes, do it.  But the far greater and more glorious challenge is to grow more and more courageous in making your voice heard and making your actions confirm that you are defiantly there for others in liberating them from the bondages that so cruelly held you captive for so long!
 
I love and respect you,
Teria
 
PANAYIOTA
Once again, I am completely overwhelmed to tears by your incredible response...
 
No matter what BUTS I come up with, your letter causes them to tumble...
 
(But... What about the other children he might have abused?  Don't they need someone to stand up for them... to be there for them... to love them and show them that they are not alone and that healing is possible? It's them that I'm grieving for and wanting to stand up for... and Patricia, who was the one he affected most... but Patty too... SO MUCH FEAR because of what he did to Patricia in her presence also)
 
Your letter says to me... Keep reaching out into the WHOLE WORLD for the sake of ALL THE OTHER CHILDREN who have been affected by their abuser... their predator... My frustration of will to FIX WHAT WAS DONE TO ME, does not have to be centered on a single target... there's a WHOLE WORLD of sufferers out there who I could reach if I remove my narrow focus. 
 
There's no way I could confront him, FAR TOO MUCH RAW FEAR!  Just the slightest thought of doing so causes me to physically feel the tipping of my mind into a dangerous area that is (like broken glass), TOO SHARP for me to touch on alone and without REAL HELP!  I truly believe that I'd end up in a nut-house if I allowed myself to get anywhere near him... so, that option has to be outed no matter how much it might have helped me if it was possible.  My past therapist might have been able to get me to that point and accompanied me... but she can never be trusted ever again... so that door is forever closed.
 
I must emphasise very clearly that in NO WAY am I feeling bitter or hate towards him.  I cannot explain why... it's more of an empty nothingness... a complete blockage.  But in allowing short intrusive thoughts of meeting him, the fear becomes too HUGE to allow, so I BLOCK him again.  Not even in my daydream world was there any hate... I was completely submissive to his cruelty and control even there.  So, vengeance and bitter hate has to be ruled out as a motive... IT DOES NOT EXIST IN ME! 
 
Sometimes I have thought that HATING would make it easier for me, but I can't.  My therapist tried to get me to hit a pillow or shout at my abuser in role play... I could not do it at all. All retaliation and anger was beaten out of me as a child.  I was not allowed to show it in the least degree and therefore still struggle with getting my emotions anywhere close to it. 
 
The only kind of anger I am ever able to feel and show is PROTECTIVE ANGER (because as a child I was unable to protect myself or my little sister... I could only LOVE her)... I don't seem to have a lot of control over the protective anger which can make me react completely out of character, and it causes me more trouble and losses than it's worth (I’m working on this).
 
MY TRUE MOTIVES for confronting my stepfather or exposing his name, would NOT be for him to suffer... that's Hashem's work, but I believe, my motives would first be to reach out and protect those others he might have affected, and also, to somehow find a way to take away HIS AWFUL POWER over me that has caused such DEEP AND LASTING RAW FEAR to continue to control so many aspects of my life... even the aspect of being so OVER PROTECTIVE towards the people and things that I LOVE and BELIEVE IN... to the point of it constantly ruining my relationships and progress...
 
If it were possible to stand in front of him and tell him that I remembered, and how much it has adversely affected my life, I believe that I would find healing in that... BUT IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.. I know that already.
 
So, the words of your letter truly are my only way out of this dark place... THE FEARS MIGHT NEVER LEAVE ME, but I still have the option of learning and understanding more, and working on my more negative behaviours in an effort towards my healing, and I still have the option of making something good from my past for the sake of others, and there is still the real possibility that in the process of working on my own Life's purpose, I will continue to find my own healing and in the process, help many others... even to show perpetrators of such awful offences, how destructive, the devastating life-long results of their awful work can be on their victims. 
 
If my work could stop perpetrators of child abuse from doing what they do, and thus save even more children from THIS LONG-LASTING TORTURE... then my life truly would have been worth living.
 
I am so grateful for your time and love in responding to my letter Teria and for your profound wisdom that always brings much needed healing and rational answers.
 
Forever grateful and also with much respect for you,
 
MENTOR
You have indeed sorted out the picture for yourself.  And your answer is therefore the right one.  Let him be buried in that emptiness where no response of whatever kind towards him is possible.  And yes, the road is forward, not back.  The ahead is away from him and all he stands for.  And the signposts ahead are indeed in the direction of reaching out to those who have or are suffering like you have and to bring to the confrontational awareness of perpetrators just how evil their actions are - what devastation it sows in the tender hearts of the innocent.  The more you valiantly reach out, the more ground in terms of healing - leaving that past far behind you - you will gain.
 
PANAYIOTA
 
You are too lovely dear Teria, Thank you so much!
 
I love you dearly.
 
 
ONCE AGAIN, MY MENTOR’S WORDS DID IT.
Her wisdom shared, being so healing to my very core.  Just like that, I was able to dissolve the dilemma that seemed so overwhelming and unsolvable.  Just like that I can now go on.  It seems to me that there is such a thing as closure… this must be it for me, because the soothing and meaningful responsibility for my future seems greater now than the messed up, upside down, jagged cutting-edged memories of my past.
 
(I could literally feel Patricia’s wall tumble for the first time in my life… like she has somehow been set free or partially set free of her entrapment there at last.  I’m not sure if she'll know what to do now without her wall and I guess time will tell.  I will speak more about Patricia’s awful wall in my book which I hope to finish soon)

FIXED GAZE
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Broken inner child of her
Sits alone – dark dungeon – lost within
Wishing to be free
Stronger, braver, happier perhaps.
In her deep subconscious
An adult-self can be seen
But cannot yet be reached as equals
To be united (healed) as one
Their two worlds remain divided
By an impenetrable tear-soaked screen
Drenched in the constant, bleeding pain
Aching, unquenchable longings
Still reaching for what never was
But should have been hers
Reaching out of a horrible past – conveniently forgotten!
Still haunting – Splitting reality!  Exploding cells! 
Into a million swirling puzzle pieces
Rusted iron shards, which cannot connect?
that bump and grind and rip apart!
Her already broken, blood soaked heart
Chaos, confusion
Drifting wood on a windless sea
Trapped for all eternity
Yet she fixes her gaze on possibility
On a distant hope so blurred to view
A dream she holds on tightly too
Behind what can’t yet be seen
But it is her dream – it is her dream!
And somehow, she still believes
Dreams do come true
 
~ Panayiota
(27th September 2014)
 
The divide between my inner child and my adult-self seems to be narrowing more these days.  The integration of each part of my self is becoming more and more possible… each part beginning to work together with the other. 
 
Healing from child abuse is a REAL possibility… even if only a little healing at a time… even if the journey is never completed… each bit achieved is worth all the hard, consistent work, and makes it a little easier to bear all the painful losses that come as a result of speaking out and setting boundaries to help myself get to that place I was always meant to reach.
 
I cannot give up my quest for that place… it calls to me with the most gentle and welcoming voice. I’ve come too far to give up now! 
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming-wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so, the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So, she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
“And all the while a screaming-winds blow
Painfully returning all that she throws”
 
 
Just this last week, a past friend to my heart whom I’d lost in 2017, made it very clear that she would never make right on what she’d done then, that had caused me to lose her friendship in my life, and that she resented and rejected me still for speaking out about it. 
 
The strange thing is, that here I sit mourning her loss still as with many I’d lost before, but it is THEY that seem to be bitter… not me.  I ache for them and even cry for them at times… for things to be the same as when it was good between us. But they don’t seem to miss me at all.  They seem to still remain resentful of my questioning their loyalty, or of my choosing to speak out on behalf of a beloved friend who I felt was being bullied and abused by them.  Their reactions to my speaking out has curse my name and my reputation in order to save their own and I am the one left looking BAD.  My mother always left me feeling BAD for things I should never have had to feel bad for. 
 
Once I have loved, I always love, and so, every loss feels like a death to me and for each one, the mourning inside of me goes on and on relentlessly.  If only they could feel my sadness and longing for their friendship the way it used to be… the sleepless nights that their absence has caused… would they only then understand and make it all right again?  HUMPH!  Or… would they just be glad that I am suffering for what used to be between us and no longer is…
 
I think that what’s hard for anyone to understand, is that I function emotionally on three completely different levels.  If I learn to love a person on the level of my inner child Patty for instance, as I believe it was with the losses of 2017, then it is that part of my self that grieves their loss…  (The one did something really important for my life that I still benefit from today, while the other had horses and the most beautiful and relaxing place to visit…).  My inner child loved them both very much… It is her crying I often still faintly hear in the dark corridors of my past… it is her feelings that cause my tears…
 
How can anyone understand and respond to that?  It just is what it is…
 
Is there anyone in the world who can possibly understand what I’m sharing right now?  I think of Dr Nadine Burk Harris who wrote, The Deepest Well… I know she’s a very busy woman, and I know she deals only with children and their families… or I believe so… I wish I could talk to her.  I believe she would understand all the stuff I write about… she would be able to affirm my thoughts and feelings… my writings… I wish with all my heart that I could talk to her…

​Anyway… some really GOOD news.   
On Friday 21st, midday, I submitted my two assignments for module one of the Sacred Dying Doula course.  I was very worried, because I really struggled with the 2nd assignment questions.  But guess what… I passed with flying colours and 100%.  I could not believe it… very surprises, but also VERY, VERY HAPPY AND GRATEFUL! 

I’ve already paid for module 2 and received it via email.  I cannot wait for time to get started on that one.  I hope time will allow.  There are only three modules and if all goes well, my dream of becoming a Sacred Dying Doula will at last come true and another reason for my being would have been fulfilled.  I will put my all into this study and pray I continue to do well.
 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota