FROM A DISTANCE ♥

I have just deleted the last post I wrote on my blog.  It is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to do so.  Not because I felt bad about writing what I did… I needed to write authentically, to let out what was bothering me so much or else the trapped feelings would have consumed me completely. 
 
But I did feel bad about posting it and leaving it on the site for a few days, realising that my actions could also hurt others… I didn’t want or intend to do that.  
 
Nobody commented to me on my blog post, so I did not make the decision to delete on someone else’s recommendations or reactions… I deleted based on my own heart and conscience and I feel relieved...
 
Over the last few days, I thought a lot about what I’d written and my feelings and reactions to my perceptions of impending loss and my sense of helplessness in trying to keep together and protect those I have learned to love so much over the years. 
 
If one does not think long and hard about their own behaviours and reactions to trigger conditions, then we are no more than machines and animals who behave on drives and instincts alone. 
 
No!  I thought long and very-very hard… I knew I had to!

I thought about my emotional reactions to the shifting dynamics in my “safe-place”, and about those who I imagine have been repeatedly hurt by the behaviours of others over many months…

I asked myself many questions, like: Are they wise enough and equipped with enough strength and ability to rise above what I imagine is being done to them?  Yes… they are quite capable… they do not need my protection… they can sort out their own problems perfectly well on their own, without causing any hurt to others.
 
I could not protect my sister when we were little… I could not stop all the unbearable losses all through my life, so why am I still trying to stop things from falling apart and control situations that are way out of my hands and not  mine to control in the first place… I cannot.
 
I realise that in fact, it is me who does not belong.  Not because I am no good enough, but rather because I honestly don’t fit in… I honestly don’t belong.  I stopped belonging a long time ago… when I was a child.
 
I cannot cope with getting “too close”… whenever I get too close to any situation or person, I get burned…
 
I’m burning…
 
So I know that it is actually me now who needs to step back… pull myself out of situations that I find hurtful… situations that scare me, frustrate me, trigger anger or tears in me and make me feel uncomfortable, reminding me of my differences.  I need to pull myself out of situations that threaten more loss.  Situations that I cannot control… just like I couldn’t when I was small… situations I am not meant to control now that I’m an adult.
 
Socializing is not my place in this world… I do not belong with others for too long at a time.
 
So, even though I’ve been asked by my superior to be a part… to be there, I have to take my leave for now… until I can find a place of safely-belonging again. 
 
There is too much anxiety and too much hurt involved in getting too close… I can’t do it anymore and must not for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of others.
 
This is my best and safest way for me to give and share my love with all concerned and the world… from a distance… ♥
 
Thank you for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota.