Going home...

​There’s no particular reason why I posted Hiraeth here, other than I identified with the meaning of the word when I saw it for the first time recently… I felt a connection to it. 
 
The flight home
The memory of flying home on the plane is mostly a horrible nightmare for me, but there was one beautiful blessing that held me together on the trip.  The same lovely air flight attendant, Sandy, who had been so kind to me on the way to Utah, was on the flight going home as well.  She was so happy to see me, just as I was so happy to see her, and she told me that she was on a flight she never takes, so it was truly a blessing to meet up with her again. 
 
I do believe in Tender Mercies and blessings from Heaven… we are not alone.  If this is the only message that I am ever able to pass onto my readers, so that you can also be more aware of the blessings that do come to you from Life, in each and every situation, good or bad, then I will be happy about that, because it is the one TRUTH that I hold onto that keeps me together each and every day.
 
I don’t think I mentioned in my first post, re: my sister’s funeral, that because Sandy had been so kind to me on that flight there, I wrote her a letter to thank her and gave it to her just before we landed, because I wasn’t sure I’d see her again in the rush, on the way out of the plane.  She came to me after reading it and expressed such gratitude, telling me that she was about to retire very soon and that my letter meant so much to her.  I think in some way, we forged a lifelong connection in our hearts then… even a spiritual connection… even if we never saw each other again… for me, her kind presence on that plane was a bit like, I’d imagine… being touched by an angel. 

So, there she was again, on the flight home… I honestly believe that I live a “charmed life”… that no matter what hardships I go through, Life always sends a Miracle blessing in one way or another, just to remind me, that I am being watched over.  
 
Sandy told the young couple sitting next to me, that I was a very special passenger who she’d met on a previous flight, and that they should treat me well… They laughed and promised to do so.  I felt safe sitting next to those strangers after that…
 
After all the on-flight routine with meals and drinks service, etc. it was way past my bedtime… and when I am overtired, I can’t fall sleep easily.  I struggled so badly to fall asleep, that in the end my legs became extremely uncomfortable with the fidgets (restless leg syndrome)!  It felt like they were on fire or like jolts of electricity was passing through them!  I was so terribly uncomfortable that I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I kept jerking my legs with the terrible feeling that seemed to send my muscles into spasms.  I’m sure it must have been disturbing to the lady trying to sleep next to me.  In the end, after a long struggle, the ¼ sleeping pill I’d taken earlier to sleep must have finally worked and I fell asleep.
 
I vaguely remember during the night, someone tapping me hard on my shoulder…
 
Was I dreaming and they were trying to stop me?  Shouting out, maybe… ?  I felt terrible, thinking that I must have disturbed the other passengers sleep…
 
When we were woken in the morning, I had barely had much sleep at all, and I felt so groggy, shaky and just horrible all over!  I noticed that the lady and her husband had swapped places and neither of them were as friendly as the night before.
 
I felt terrible… it was the worst feeling, not knowing what I’d done that must surely have disturbed those people during the night and how much I’d disturbed others also.  (age old feelings surfaced… feelings of being a failure… a BAD girl… not fit to be in this world) … I felt so ashamed… guilty… and just horrible.  Those feelings haunted me… I felt very uncomfortable on the plane from then on… like I did not belong, and everyone must have been angry with me… I was once again, not feeling the acceptance and love of being in this world… I WAS NOT FEELING SAFE OR WELCOME THERE… I felt like my fearful and sad inner child, Patty, had taken my place sitting there… she was all alone, surrounded by people who didn’t care about her or want her there…
 
Except for beautiful Sandy… Sandy still smiled so kindly at me every time she passed… her words were kind… I wished she could stay so I didn’t have to feel so judged and alone there in my seat.  I was very glad to get off that plane and away from that place.
 
It was so good to see a familiar face when my second son came forward, even before I came through the doors where the people were waiting for the passengers arrivals.  He must have seen me through the window pains and was already there to receive me when I was pushed through the doors.  I can’t tell you how much a loving gesture like that means to me, his being there before I had a chance to wonder if he would be, was a TRUE HUG from Life, in a moment of my real need for REASSURANCE… I was loved and not alone in the world… my son was there…
 
On the way home from the airport, I noticed a beautiful sky as the sun was setting.  I held onto that lovely sight for a sense of comfort… of coming home… of belonging to something far greater that was still waiting for me, needing whatever it was that I still had to give to this world, for whatever reason… somewhere… out there.

​I first thought, Angel wings, and then I saw a beautiful eagle in flight… but looking at the picture today… I see a greater white eagle riding on the back of, or flying above the beautiful orange sunset eagle ♥
 
Our bathroom
It was so good to be home again… but, as I walked into my bathroom, the bathroom cabinet came crashing down onto the floors.  The tiles behind it had loosened as had happened in three areas of the bathroom before that… they just dropped off.  Whoever did the job of tiling the bathroom before we moved in here, did a slapdash job… lacking integrity!  I was so lucky not to get hurt as some bits of broken tiles flew and hit me.  I was so tired, it didn’t even really sink in until the next day.  My immediate thought was that my Anne did that… was she angry with me I thought through my extreme tiredness and with Patty’s mindset still more surfaced due to the difficulty of my plane flight.
 
(I only started writing this blog post yesterday afternoon, and before I went to bed, a gout threat had started in the center top of my left foot and also the back of my right foot.  It seems to me that my acute gout attacks have always been triggered by certain stressors… writing about my plane trip home I think was a deep and traumatic memory I didn’t need… that flight was really not a good experience for me on so many levels, but especially on Patty’s level… Sandy was the beautiful LIGHT in the darkness, that got me through it in one piece)
 
The next day, when I had more time to think about it, I realised how dangerous that bathroom was with the tiles being so loose on the walls.  As I lay in my bath in the morning, I actually felt fearful, that the remaining tiles on the wall behind me, where tiles had fallen before, would fall on my head.  The thought came to me then, that my Anne must have caused that cabinet to come crashing down as I walked into the bathroom the night before, because she could see the danger and our need to get that bathroom done and the falling cabinet was her love… not her anger.
 
The tiles were bulging loose in some areas… only being held onto the wall, but the grout between each tile, holding them together.  I knew that I needed to ask Shem for help to take all the tiles off the walls for once and for all.
 
The bathroom mirror, above the basin was also dangerous.  It was made up of four small mirrors glued onto the tiles.  The one mirror was leaning forward as if it had come unstuck on one corner… when Shem took it in his hands, it came off without any effort… it could have dropped at any time and my grandchildren could have been in danger if it happened when they were here… I was horrified at the thought!  I truly believe that my Anne caused the cabinet to drop, so that we could be award of the dangers in order to make our bathroom safe for us all.  Thankfully Shem has now stripped all the tiles off and we are hoping to get the bathroom done soon.

When we moved into this house, there were no tiles or plaster on the upper part of the one wall next to the bath, other than just two rows of tiles just above the bath.  The brickwork above those tiles was so badly cemented together, that when we used the hand-held hose spray to rinse our hair, the water would run straight through the wall into our kitchen, so shortly after we moved here, we had to have our handyman come in to waterproof and plaster over that brickwork.  Now that the two rows of tiles have been removed above the bath, one can almost see behind the big chunks of concrete, how badly the bricks were plastered together.  Real shoddy work!  Now that the tiles have been removed, we will once again have to be very careful not to let the water run onto the bricks, to protect our kitchen.
 
(To see the video of Shem removing the tiles, to see how loose they were, you can go to Patty’s Keys Facebook page… I will post it after posting this and it will only be near the top of the page for a few days until I post other items that will push it down.)

Our fridge 
At around the same time, it looks like our fridge has developed a problem again.  Water is collecting in one of the drawers and it was making a weird noise.  I’m praying it will keep going and whatever the problem is, it will sort itself out soon.  We switched the fridge off for a day to melt any internal ice and we turned its temperature up two degrees when we switched it back on.  There is still water accumulating in one of the drawers but at least the weird noise has stopped for now…
 
For days after I arrived home, I suffered from jet lag, and extreme depression, fatigue and anxiety.  I felt so dreadful, that I swore I’d never go on an air flight again for as long as I live, other than if I was able to afford business class so that I could at least sleep comfortably on the plane, and not be too close to strangers which I find disturbing when trying to sleep.  The only other places that would ever tempt me to fly again, would be to go to Israel with my sister… it’s been on her bucket-list for years to go there and take me with… and hopefully our littlest sister would come too.  It would be wonderful for us to really be together as three sisters in a real sisterly-way, for the first time in EVER!  My two younger sisters would probably want to spend more time on a Christian tour there, but I’d want to spend time with my Israeli friends who I’d met there in 2012 and hopefully to be able to do my new presentations there again… it was such a wonderful experience for me last time I visited there, that I wouldn’t mind experiencing that joy again… just one more time.  I never felt more accepted anywhere in all my life and have had a sense of mourning loss, ever since I left Israel, because I feel as if I left a part of my soul behind there.  I think it is the one place in all the world, where I experienced a true sense of real belonging for the first time in my life, and my mountain top experience (Samuel’s Mountain), changed my life forever.
 
The other place I might agree to fly to, would be to the Logotherapy World Congress, and to have my sister there with me again.  I’d love to present my new works there (my unique and personal Life Task is what gives my life it’s true meaning).  Presenting at the 19th World Congress of Logotherapy in 2013, was an incredible time and experience for me, where I was doing something I never thought I’d ever be able or good enough to do… something that helped me to realise my true potential and true belonging… an experience that I would love to live over again, if it were ever possible. 
 
In future, I might fly locally here in South Africa, but never again on a long trip for a holiday somewhere (not after the flight experience, I just had and the dreadful jetlag, etc. that I experienced for days after).  If I ever did fly to Dallas though, which is pretty close to my family and friends in Utah, I’d agree to a quick detour from Dallas just to see them all again.  Of course, I’d need to be rich and famous to ever visit Israel or Dallas again… the last two times were sponsored and therefore they were true gifts from Life to me.  Both Israel and Dallas were places where I felt I’d come home to, if that makes any sense.  I started studying Logotherapy on the 24th February 2010 and it has changed my life exponentially for the better since then… Logotherapy is my place of belonging… it has been HOME for me.
 
Anyway, for days after my trip back from Utah, I struggled with depression and although the depression has mostly lifted, I am still in another place right now… struggling to sleep most nights… 5-6 hours, with a good night every so often if I take ¼ sleeping pill, which I don’t like to make a habit of.  I’m just so tired… always… always tired… the chronic fatigue syndrome I discussed in a previous blog post perhaps… must be.  I just want to curl up on my bed and sleep the days away, but I know I can’t…
 
I must keep pressing forward… Carpe Diem!
 
What was very special about the first few days after I arrived home, was that the weather was rather nippy.  When I left for Utah, I left a very hot and humid Gauteng… when I stayed in Utah, I experienced freezing snowy weather… so arriving back to cool weather was really very nice indeed.  From the first day back, I was able to wear the dresses that Brie had given me.  They were my sister’s dresses… brand new, still with their tags on… and only one she’d worn to church once and there were other items of clothing included which are going to be so helpful and were much needed.  The dresses were mostly long-sleeved, warmer material clothing that would be great for winter.  I think there was a blessing in the fact that I could try them out immediately that first few days home, before the weather became too hot again.  I felt my sister’s hug was still with me as I wore each of her lovely dresses, and I believe that was healing for me.   
 
I also came home to a garden full of lovely veggies needing picking.

​1st – 3rd March ~ My son and I went puppy/house sitting for my daughter and son in law, so that they could enjoy their anniversary weekend together.  My son was working that weekend, so I had a lovely quiet and serene weekend to catch up on some blogging.  I could do the same thing at home but being alone at someone else’s house always feels like a holiday to me… it was so quiet and peaceful there.  I took Mrs Poppy Peanut with and she just slept by me most of the time… enjoying the presence of my daughter’s big dogs, but not letting them get too close.  I also went to our Logotherapy supervision group meeting on the 3rd which I really enjoyed very much.  I took Poppy with then also and she was so well behaved… just slept on her little bed next to me the whole way through.
 
The beautiful eagle ~ my Anne
On the 5th March, something really amazing happened.  I’d just driven home from dropping my son off at work early in the morning.  As I was closing my security gate, I looked up just in time to see a large eagle landing on the light pole across the road from our house.  I was absolutely intrigued and in awe.  One would never usually see an eagle in the town areas, so seeing this one with its’ beautiful wings outstretched as it landed gracefully, and facing me as if looking at me… I just knew that it was my sister letting me know that she is watching over me.  I remembered the beautiful sun-setting sky on the afternoon I’d arrived home from Utah and connected it immediately with the sunrise-eagle now looking at me from the top of the light pole.  I was overjoyed… ran for my phone to take a photo, but the eagle was gone by the time I returned.  I now wish I’d not run for the phone… a reminder to me, to just enjoy the beautiful moments in time more.  I would have loved to have seen the eagle fly away… but maybe I was not supposed to… maybe I was meant to be left with the memory of it landing there and looking at me.  When I told my niece, Bri about it, she agreed with me… that was just the sort of amazingly reassuring thing my Anne would have done to let me know she’s still with me… to make sure that I KNEW for sure.  I feel a sense of overwhelming gratitude whenever I think about that beautiful eagle.  I remember it as a very dark brown…

Noticing the signs
The day after I saw it, I thought to myself… could it have been a hawk?  I don’t know the difference between an eagle or a hawk… I thought hawks were a lot smaller than the beautiful big bird I saw on the top of the pole.  It did worry me though and a few days later, on the 11th March, I decided to look up on the Internet, to see if I could learn a bit about the difference and maybe identify the bird I saw.  As I landed on the page of images, I saw a picture of exactly what I believe I had seen… and it was an eagle… and as I saw it, and in that moment, I glanced down at the time on my computer… 11:11 on the 11th of March… that was all the confirmation I needed… 11:11 being known as the awakening code and a number that I’ve seen often connected to special events and beautiful moments like that, (and I’m not the only one).  So, I just KNEW… my sister IS with me… she has not left me.  I believe she will be praying on my behalf and thus helping me through my life… yet another guardian angel to watch over me… and I feel so blessed to know that she is not far away now that she’s crossed over the veil.

Caring neighbours
On the same day, our neighbours, the ones I was afraid of when they first moved in, mowed our outside lawn and our other neighbours lawn next door to us also… we share our outside lawn.  I’d already asked Shem to come help with that, but they had already done it… That was so unexpected and kind of them.  The day before, I wanted to give them a bottle of pickled cucumbers, but could not see them, so I left it in front of their garage door… they must have taken it and decided to bless us also… and indeed it was a lovely blessing.  We are getting along just fine now and still gifting each other whenever we can… We take vegetables over when I have excess, and they often open the gate for me when I arrive home and they happen to be outside at the time… I love living in peace, harmony and friendship with my neighbours, so I’m much happier now… gratefully.
 
I need sleep!
I have been seriously lacking sleep since I arrived home from the USA… averaging 5-6 hours a night.  I pray it will all come right soon, because I cannot function properly on so little sleep.  Every few days I take ¼ sleeping pill, just to try and get in a good sleep.  I think that the horror of the plane trip home from the USA is what’s still affecting me… it’s a bit like I was living a nightmare on that plane that I’m still trying to wake up from… only I’m already awake and not getting any sleep… I have to get my sleep mojo back soon… I can’t go on like this.

Memories...?
On Saturday 7th March, Brie sent me photos of my time with her and my family in Utah, for me to add to my blog posts.  I have a memory that is constantly eluding me since my childhood… when I saw the photos, I realised that had not remembered being bowling with them... how is it possible that one can be so forgetful I wonder?  Even the photo of the beautiful chapel in the previous blog post… I remembered taking the photo, but not a thing about why we went there or what it looked like inside…
 
Was I tired or hurting or what when I was there… why did I forget that and the bowling night… WHY?
 
It's always been that way. I learned to block traumatic memories as a child and I'm still doing it to this day, but with my normal every day memories... even happy ones!  I just can't fathom it!  My memory seems to be very selective!  It makes even my office work extremely hard and exhausting, and lots of extra work needs to be put in just to remember what I did in the morning even!  I have to keep records of everything, just to stay on track… sometimes I look at the records, and still can’t seem to connect the dots… it’s awful and can prove very embarrassing for me also!
 
9March19 on FB ~ we're never alone
My sister and I were talking about this in the morning and later that day this picture popped up on Facebook, so I just felt to share it here, because I absolutely believe and know this is true and that's what keeps me going no matter what.

​14th March ~ Logotherapy dream interpretation
Around the end of February, a dear past logotherapy student of mine wrote about a dream she had had a while back and I helped her do a dream interpretation on it around the start of this month.  Today she called me to tell me how much the dream interpretation meant to her and it had confirmed her own ideas on it… in other words, she received a resounding YES to a question she had asked herself and prayed about some time before.  This student’s affirmation of me as one of the people who had helped her on her own lifechanging journey, was so beautiful to my heart.  I was grateful and uplifted by her call.  I am also very grateful for the gift of being able to help people with finding out the meaning messages in their dreams… it’s such a blessing to my life…
 
In some magical way, while I am able to help others, I am healing myself… it’s a beautiful thing.
 
15th March ~ The STUFF of life just becomes too much sometimes! I learned last night, that now someone has taken Shem on full time… I’m happy for Shem, but losing his trusty help is going to be a big blow, not only to myself, but others who had benefited greatly from his hard working and willing work ethic.  He says that he has a permanent job now, Monday to Saturday, so I now have no garden helper anymore and I was really needing him right now to help me get my winter garden ready!  He has been such a blessing to us.  
 
My house helper stopped coming, because I openly expressed my pain when my son’s job was threatened suddenly and so more loss and complications set in as a result, including the dynamics of my most cherished relationships changing literally overnight.  Since then, I was already not coping without help with my home, but now without garden help also, that's going to just be too much. I'll be very lucky if I can get my youngest son to help me with the garden on his days off... his gaming is far more important to him!
 
I envisage my weekends are going to be totally taken up with house cleaning and gardening from now on, just to try and keep up and as always… catch up!  I have to keep the garden planted, because without it, I will struggle even more to keep up with my special diet!  Right now, every spare moment from work or writing is spent cleaning and/or totally wiped out... I'm not getting much sleep anymore since the plane flight home... I'm never flying again if I can help it... not unless, as mentioned before, it's to Israel or Dallas Texas to present my work... I feel like my creative side and sense of freedom from burdens is systematically being totally stripped from me as new burdens keep piling on... what is Life calling me to do... what is the meaning of it all… NO FLIPPING CLUE!!!  Someone suggested that I have to change my job and get a weekday only job… the kind of 9-5 one… but NO WAYS!!!  I will never give up on my Logotherapy world after all the blessing it has been to me… I’d rather die serving here than have the blessing of extra time elsewhere.  I’m here until I just can’t anymore!

A struggling day today
I woke depressed and teary this morning after only 5 hours sleep last night.  I started the day washing dishes… spent most of the morning detached and trying to stay connected in front of this quiet computer, in case some work comes in… I struggle to stay connected when work is so quiet, even though I have so much to do!  Man… that’s such a spanner in the works for me!!!! 
 
I looked at my garden early this morning… it’s all end of summer chaos… it needs cleaning desperately… will my youngest son help me this weekend when he’s off duty, or will he be just lounging around playing games again?  I live in a house with another human being… yet I often feel totally alone here, even when he’s home.  
 
I still have a gout threat in both feet, although a bit better today, I wonder if I will be able to do the garden this weekend while they are still sore… it has to be done this weekend… I need to get the chaos under control in order to help my own chaotic mindset a bit… AARGH!  Feeling quite frustrated and tearful as I end off this post today…
 
Tomorrow’s another day… gardening is always healing for me, so there is hope of a better day with a few smiles thrown in… tomorrow afternoon I will attend a woman’s meeting at church… something fun and special… I’m looking forward to that!  It’s always good to have something to look forward to.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota