Goodbye and thank you so much!

​My precious Mrs Poppy Peanut
 
Last night, as I lay awake until the early hours of the morning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was time to end my writings on this blog.  I cannot live with so much emotional turmoil and pain anymore.  Writing has been a real outlet for my emotions… healing… in that it helped me to make sense of my struggles and to find the best, or right answers in a Logotherapeutic way, and it was something I felt was an important part of exercising the meaning potential of my life, but what has my blog really achieved?  The only answer I have right now, is: Nothing but pain.  Not only for myself, but for others also who read it, and I cannot risk the reputation of all that I love, in the process of helping myself and trying to share my message with the world, under the possibly warped perception that I might be helping someone else out there!
 
The people who I imagine have been reading my blog, have surely never struggled with dissociative identity disorder.  I’m sure most have never known the struggles of severe child abuse… or being abused as an adult… or experienced transference and countertransference in therapy… or the betrayal of friends who have sided with the very people who have hurt them or embarrassed and shamed them publicly by crossing their boundaries.  How many of them have been raped and had to live with the shame and horrors of it all?  How could they possibly understand the things I write about?  How could they possibly be expected to accept my inner-child tantrums and understand how much work and personal exposure it takes to face my weaknesses head on in order to find a way through all the confusions and fears, to a place of sanity and peace. 
 
It has occurred to me that sharing has only added to confusions and fears… anger… haters and LOSS… Terrible, terrible losses. My latest loss should never have happened!  My trust was so solidly set on that particular friend, that NOTHING could ever have shattered such a friendship… NOTHING!  But it did and also resulted in other painful losses… and the resulting pain is too unbearable… I CANNOT LET THIS EVER HAPPEN AGAIN!   Please, please… no more close friendships… no more taking chances by getting too close…
 
TOO CLOSE is the problem… I feel and get too close and BURN easily… both them and me!  It’s about me, not the other person who is unable to understand.
 
I’ve often said in jest… “How can I live with myself” … but in reality, the question is real… I can’t… but… I MUST, because disposing of myself is not an option!  WHY?  Because I LOVE TOO MUCH!!!
 
Who am I really?  Where do I truly belong?  There is no peace… NONE! 
 
What purpose is my blog really serving?  Certainly not what I intended it for.  Who are the people following it?  Well, with only a few likes on each post, I imagine, that only one or two incredibly-caring friends who have chosen to stand by me… Mary-Anne and my far away sister for starters… and I even click on like… because it’s my way of authenticating and honouring my truths.  But surely there are others also checking in on my posts… just here to pry… to see what nonsense I’m getting up to THIS TIME!  The haters… I always dreaded THE HATERS… thinking that they were going to be the ones who would write HATE comments in responses to my posts… but I now realise that haters come in many forms… They are backbiters and the gossipers… the ones who take what is sacred to me, and twist it to soothe their own needs for answers… and their own understandings and to uplift and protect their own reputations!  They are the ones who feel disgusted and embarrassed by my sharing and see me as less-than as a result. 
 
My blog isn’t serving any purpose really.  It’s not like any REAL HEALERS and REAL TEACHERS are reading it that I know of, or trying really hard to understand and see the bigger picture.  
 
I had hoped… but it isn’t to be. 
 
All that is resulting from my blog, is further alienation of me and those I love… each different part of my personality is feeling over and over what they felt when they were originally STOPPED from speaking, from expressing themselves… from BEING. 
 
If I can find out how to block my blog from the public, I will continue to write here, in the hopes that one day, the RIGHT PERSON will have access to it and will discover in it… REAL ANSWERS… that will help many to understand better and to bring healing into this world.
 
It’s over for me now.  I still have my commitment to my book and I must finish it.  But as far as ever fulfilling my longings to be LOVED as I should have been when I was a child… I KNOW IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
 
I KNOW… I KNOW… YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME… I KNOW DAMMIT! 
 
My greatest love and gratitude to those who have gone out of their way to prove their loving support for me at this time.  You know who you are.  I will not forget you. 
 
Today, as I sit here, tears welling in my eyes and a sense of a broken heart still for a few weeks now, and as I give in at last, and allow a part of myself to die for the sake of living, I will put back on my mask of “everything is okay”… I will do my work to the best of my ability… I will keep on keeping on for the sake of my children and grandchildren and others who I still believe… BELIEVE IN ME!  But… I just can’t do this authenticity thing anymore… it’s not only hurting me, but those that I love also… and it’s creating too much loss and more rejection to add to all that I’ve already experienced throughout my life…
 
NO… IT MUST END RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW! 
 
To those who have stood by me so lovingly for so long and with such good hearts in the doing, and have taken the time to read my long drawn out blog posts… I thank you with the deepest love of my heart.
 
Until we meet in Heaven, where all will finally be revealed, healed and FIXED at last, and where there will no longer be any doubts or misunderstanding… Goodbye my friends…  Goodbye my judges and enemies also.   
 
~ Patty, Patricia, Panayiota.
 
p.s.  on the 27th, it was Mrs Poppy Peanuts first Love Day.  She died on the 27th August last year.  How strange it was that on that very day, my son was offered two Dachshunds by someone at work.  Why would that have happened on Poppy’s first Love Day.  I couldn’t take them, because neither had been sterilized and that would have cost too much.  I mentioned it on Facebook, and two friends stepped in immediately… one to say she would find me a dog and proceeded to track down a little girl Dachshund for me and even organized transport for her to be delivered to my house.  The other friend who responded after the first, said she would pay for the sterilization of the first two dogs we were offered.  My heart had already accepted the first friends offer as I am worrying about having two dogs to feed, etc.  But how amazing is this?  How amazing are these friends also?  I will have a new friend arriving soon… one who will learn to love me and in whose LOVE I will never have to doubt or question.  Life has once again reassured me, that although I am hurting deeply at this time and turned my whole life on its head by my own negative responses to being hurt, I am not abandoned and I am being watched over and Heaven loves me still.