Goodbye Mrs. Poppy Peanut

​~ (Caution – this is a very sad post) – I struggled to face and finish this post, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to rest until it was safely recorded and put to rest here.
 
On Facebook ~ Sunday, August 25 at 19h40
 
I wrote:
Please pray for Mrs Poppy Peanut... she’s feeling very ill. Thank you.
 
I received so much support and well wishes from my Facebook friends and I responded
Thank you so much for your TLC everyone. I realised what her problem was by last night and knew that she was going to be okay if she could just get through the night. (NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!) Her vomiting for two days was indeed as a result of eating chicken skin (she's too old to change up her diet... her diet needs to stay specific, just like mine)… she also has a oesophagus pocket that some older dogs develop where food gets stuck sometimes causing instant regurgitation of any food or water taken in (something we’d managed to get under control on following the instructions from our last visit to the Animal Anti-Cruelty Vet, so she has not had problems with that in ages, but maybe the vomiting caused it to flare up with the pocket filling up again and causing the vomiting)... but unfortunately at the same time the vomiting threw me off completely as to what was really going on with her.
 
A few days before, on Thursday 22nd, in the evening, I gave Poppy a gristly bone to chew on... the white bone and gristly pieces I gather she can no longer digest, so they must have gone through and might have caused her anal-gland abscess to develop a few days later… I don’t know.  (she hadn’t suffered from the anal gland problem in a very long time either, because the Vet showed me what to look out for and what to do about it if it started to brew again).  If I knew that was happening again, I could have helped her before it became too big and painful and nearly killed her… (helping her would involve gloves on each hand and stretching the anus massaging and pulling/pressing both thumbs in the opposite direction to help pop the abscess while it was still small… gross I know, but a simple [momentary painful remedy] for a potentially serious problem.  There is instant relief for the dog once the abscess has popped and drained) Poppy is prone to this abscess, but changing her diet to a regular, moist and more digestible type and finer consistency has helped her so much and she hasn't had the abscess in ages, or the problem with the pocket in her oesophagus.  I also had lifted her food and water onto bricks, so that her neck was always stretched up to straighten her oesophagus when eating and drinking and that, I am sure, helped her a lot also.
 
But, this time, the anal abscess was the worst she's ever had and seriously, it's a wonder she made it!  Late on Sunday 25th, she looked like she was going to die and I was preparing to take her to the emergency Vet, but my youngest son couldn't get off duty early and because I get into a terrible state at the Vet, I do need company and help with going there.  But, by the time I came home from dropping my eldest son off at the airport in the evening, Poppy's abscess had already popped... blood stained fluid everywhere on the blanket she had been lying on, and it had the most terrible smell...
 
Oh my goodness me... so much washing with soap and Sanpic got done over this time that my hands became burnt red and left with tiny sores all over the skin.  We laid the entire house with newspaper, especially for in case she was up during the night with diarrhea and vomiting.  But as had happened previously when we dealt with this problem, once the abscess had popped, she would generally feel a whole lot better and start to heal.
 
I did as much comforting and reassuring her as I could, because I believe that the touch and gentle sound of my voice would help her to relax and she did respond well to all the love. The worst was over with by 1am and we slept until 6am, so I have hopefully had enough sleep to see me through the day, even though I was up for the first half of the night seeing to Poppy as she was still vomiting from time to time.  (so it wasn’t the abscess that was the problem at that point, it was the vomiting… I had to stay up to make sure she vomited on the newspapers and that she was coping… I felt so helpless but did my best to comfort and help her.
 
She's weak this morning, but I can see now that she is much better already. If anyone has ever had an abscess before, you will know how terribly painful they are not to mention the possibility of the infection causing septicemia, etc.... Poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut.... I'm so grateful she survived the night... thank you to anyone who prayed with us for her... <3 <3 <3
 
I wrote a little later
I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I'm scared to feed Poppy this morning because of all the vomiting over, so I've put a tablespoon of Greek yogurt down for her for when she wakes up. I think I will give her another two tablespoons until around lunch time, and if all goes well, then I will give her a little regular mushed food again if she is hungry... I'll keep you all updated... we will keep the newspaper down, until I'm sure she's not puking anymore, but so far so good... no more runny tummy either... abscesses are incredibly painful until they pop... I wish I'd realised it was an abscess sooner. I can usually tell, because her droppings get very skinny and small, but, because of the vomiting and diarrhea, there was no sign of that happening this time... she got a double whammy (the vomiting and diarrhea and the abscess were separate problems she had to deal with)... she won't EVER be getting bones to chew on again!
 
Later
I gave Poppy one small tablespoon of Yoghurt in the morning, but she continued to follow me around and she didn’t look bad at all, so I gathered she was starving… I warmed her regular meal and gave her 1/4 of that... she's just gobbled it down, so let’s see how that goes. I will give her 1/4 of her food throughout the day, but with a small tablespoon of yogurt first each time. It's plain Greek yogurt... so it should be good. 

​Poppy last night about half an hour after My youngest son arrived home, she raised her head for the first time. Usually she'd be running to the door to greet him when he arrives. But it was good to see her raising her head… I felt it was a sign that she was feeling better.  I imagined she was very weak though and just needed time to recover.

​This morning… Poppy has a comfy bed to lie on in my room but chose instead to lie on the carpet right next to my computer chair where I was working.

​This afternoon, Poppy is still choosing to lie on the carpet next to my desk... she wants to stay close to me... bless her… I keep talking to her and reaching down to love her… she is responding well to my love.  I am feeling hopeful, but at the same time, worried, because she’s been so quiet.  I gather she’s just feeling weak and ill from all the vomiting she had done.  Thankfully that was over with now, so I knew I just had to help her to build her strength up.  She had been drinking well, but today, she was a little too still and quiet.  No strange breathing, nothing… she looked so relaxed, but I was worried.
 
Later (keeping my friends on Facebook updated)
Poppy has eaten two small meals today so far and a little yogurt am... she's looking a little uncomfortable right now... so just waiting to see what happens, but hopefully she's still okay. Maybe just a little sore. Even a popped abscess hurts... and maybe a little tummy ache too. I'm giving her lots of loves which she's enjoying.
 
I picked her up and took her outside for the toilet… she did a massive wee, so I knew she was drinking enough water… so, I gathered she was just uncomfortable, only because her little bladder must have been really full and she was feeling too weak to bother going outside on her own.
   
Tuesday, August 27 at 02h14
I've been up most of the night. Mrs. Poppy Peanuts abscess must have managed to seal itself again... so she was in a lot of pain and the occasional groaning noise she made told me so. I had to stay awake because I knew the stinky mess was coming and she had started vomiting again, so she needed me and I also needed to be awake to contain the messes… to make sure she was always on a towel or newspaper if vomited or if the abscess burst.
 
(I did my best to help burst the abscess… did what the Vet had taught me to do and did what helped me once when I had a problem with abscesses.  I ran a clean rag under warm water and squeezed it out.  Used it to wash her tail end, but also held it against her skin there, hoping it would help with releasing the abscess.  I think she liked the soothing warmth and attention.)
 
The abscess finally burst at 2am, so hopefully it won't seal itself again. If it does, then I fear it will be time to say goodbye to her because I don't want to see her suffering more.
 
I would need help to do that 😕 my youngest son will only be off duty tomorrow.
 
I hope Poppy and I will be able to sleep soon. I'm so tired and I'm sure she is also... my poor little doggy.  She's already looking calmer and relaxed... thankfully 🙏😴
 
Seeing things in perspective is so important:
Tuesday, August 27 am
 
The new helper that my sister’s helper had introduced me to came today to help clean up after my hectically wonderful weekend with my eldest son and the three children here, and it was before they were gone that Poppy started to show signs of not being too well, so I really needed help by today.
 
Anyway, she came on a sad day for me as I started to realise the inevitable, so there's been tears and she must have heard me crying on the phone when I was talking to my daughter about Poppy and the agonising prospect of having her put down.
 
Next thing, I hear this dreadful sound coming from the lounge... sounded like people having a fighting fit... screaming and shouting... like the horrid sound of my old neighbours fighting the other day. I realised it was coming from the helper’s phone and, (horrified), I went through and asked her what it was all about and she told me that it was a preacher... praying or speaking about Lazarus... I think she said... I told her it sounded like people fighting... it was very loud!  Then I went into my room and shut the door so that I could block the noise of it all.  I mean, if you want to get me going, start any religious pushy stuff around me...!
 
But... (surprisingly) instead of being highly annoyed, I tried to get perspective on what had just happened... She had heard me crying on the phone and wanted to share the only comfort she must know... her kind of church stuff... what she believes in... what is meaningful to her... she wanted to share the love she holds dear, to help me get through my pain...
 
So, instead of my usual highly allergic reaction to religious pushing... I felt her love and care; she was only trying to help me to feel better.
 
Of course, I hope I never have to hear that loud and unholy (in my opinion) noise in my house again, but for today, I am very grateful for this lady's beautiful gesture of love and compassion.
 
Before she left, I asked her what her preacher was talking about... I felt I owed her that… she said, about "crossing over"... I thanked her for sharing that with me.
 
August 27 at 10h44 ~ I wrote on my Facebook timeline
 
I love you all... thank you for being here... I'm totally teary this morning... tiredness and sadness... Poppy and I finally slept between after 3am and just before 7am when I woke. She's totally relaxed and wiped out right now... sleeping...
 
I'm struggling in-between... “Do I let her go, or prolong her life and struggles?”  She does have arthritis, a huge tummy hernia, aging teeth, some clouding in her eyes, a pocket in her oesphagus and the anal abscess thing (all that the Animal Anticruelty Vet wouldn’t do anything about, only instructing me as to how to help her each time a problem surfaced with these).  “Is it fair to keep her alive?” ... I just don't know... so sad... I really don’t want to let her go and I don’t want her to suffer either.
 
Just some of my friends’ responses
Hermè:  Only you can make that decision my friend. There is no easy answer; this is a terrible time for you. Give her all the cuddles and love - she will tell you.  God bless, Panny. Love you lots ♥️
 
Jukka: I am so sorry for the pain you both are going through. These situations in life are those in which being responsible is almost unbearable. Much love ❤️
 
Panayiota: Yes Jukka, you hit the nail on the head. I could pull her through this time, as I've done before (although it's never been this bad before)... but there will still be the next time... and the next... so, I'm struggling... it's a real dilemma... what is the responsible choice... (what's about her needs... what's about my extreme fear of losing her)... “Do I have her put down, or… prolong her life?”, because when she is happy in-between, she's happy enough and even still has puppy moments when she’s well, where she dances in circles when she's hungry and I’m coming towards her with her bowl of food.  I hate making this choice... it's hurting so much... too much! But when it comes to true love... it's her that must come first... not me and my broken emotions over it all... I have to put her first... but still thinking about it.  She won't eat this morning, but she did just lap up some chicken stock... Oh man... I've got such a headache!
 
Jukka: I wish I could help you. Whatever you do comes from a loving heart. She knows that, he is wise. Please try to get some rest, some detachment and perspective. There is meaning to be found, even in this heart-breaking situation. As I just read somewhere, sometimes the meaning stands out from the background and you just see it. Sometimes you have to be open and attentive to see it.
 
Helen: So sorry Pannie-Pie, my heart goes out to you. Only you can decide what to do with poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut. Love and hugs ❤
 
Brie: Auntie Pan, we are praying and thinking about you! We love you so much and Mrs. Poppy. Hugs!💔💔💔
 
I registered to do a Sacred Dying Doula course recently, and so, in my desperation, I contacted the course leader to ask her what she would do.  She said that it would be best to let Mrs. Poppy Peanut go.  I guess I knew that already, but just needed to hear that from someone else so that I didn’t have to feel so broken about making the decision on my own. 
 
I wrote later… 
Poppy Peanut was walking a little this morning and even wagging her tail when I talked to her. She only managed to drink two small portions of chicken stock, but is refusing food...laying down weakly all the time... next to me... she wants to be close to me... I think she might die quietly in the night if I keep her here. There are no signs of much life... if I call she lifts her head and stares me in the eye for a few moment, otherwise she's just lying there... no strained breathing... nothing... just totally wiped out. I've just asked if my youngest son can try get off of work so we can take her to her peace-sleep 😭 I keep stroking her and telling her how much I love her and thanking her for all the gentle and unconditional love she's given to me over the years (my Sacred Dying Doula trainer also suggested that I do this)... My head is splitting so sore from the stress and crying all day... it's her time... the decision is made... I'm totally heartbroken... Thank you to all who have walked with me on this one... I needed you... thank you so much for your understanding love… I love you all.

Picture by Marihet Hamman
 
My youngest son had not gotten back to me yet… I took Poppy out for a wee.  She did a big one again, so I felt she was doing okay as far as water hydration went, although I was a little worried about her electrolyte balance after all the vomiting… I believed it was what was causing her to be so weak.  The strange thing was, that when I put her down outside, she walked around normally, sniffing the ground.  I felt confused and unsure about how ill she really was, but my intuition told me she was very ill… she had, had enough… it was her time… I could not put it off another moment… I loved her too much to cause her to suffer anymore.
 
Not knowing if my son was going to come or not, I felt helpless… I lay on the floor next to Poppy who I had encouraged to go lie on her big pillow next to my bed when she came in.  Her back was against my chest and I felt us breathing together.  She was so relaxed, but also so happy to have me lying next to her on her pillow.
 
I kept bursting into tears… as I’d done all day anyway, but now I could hear my real crying voice… not the one that is always trapped and wailing on the dungeon walls inside.  That’s Patty’s trapped voice… she was never allowed to cry with a voice… mother would beat her until she shut up completely… so for Patty, only tears can escape, but no crying voice. 
 
It’s not often I hear my own crying voice… it’s foreign to me… I have decided that it is definitely Patricia’s voice… Patricia must have found a way to cry out aloud… maybe when she was alone in the stables with the horses or when being raped by her stepfather… maybe she heard her own voice then… but I am certain, it was Patricia’s voice I heard whilst lying next to Poppy. 
 
I kept trying to stop it, because I didn’t want to upset Poppy… so I’d speak to her sweetly, telling her I love her so much and thanking her for her love… and all the while, she was stretching her little face back into mine and nuzzling my face with hers… something she always did when she was feeling totally content and secure in my love… usually in the evenings when I stopped work and went to sit with her on my lap in the lounge.  She was behaving so “normal and well” while I lay next to her, just stroking her and the two of us absorbing as much love together as we could.
 
Next thing, my phone rang… it was my youngest son at the gate… he’d arrived unexpectedly and the inevitable was about to happen.
 
 
Tender Mercies and comforting Miracles
I left Poppy on her pillow to go and open the gate for my son… when I turned around outside, Poppy was right there behind me, ready to greet my son with her wagging tail.  I was stunned… how would he ever believe me that she had shown so little signs of life all day long.  But we both remembered how the same thing had happened when we took Mr. Dudley Peanut to the Vet to be put down when it was his time to leave us… as he was going out of the door that day, he was suddenly looking as healthy as can be…
 
Was this Heaven’s blessings to help us through these horrible times… I had to believe it was, because it was the same thing that happened with Dudley that was happening with Poppy now.  We nearly changed our minds, but we agreed that we could not put her through what she had been through already, ever again... we knew that it was her time and we had to let her go...
 
I feel so relieved to know that she will never have to suffer like that again… it was the hardest decision ever, but I believe it was the right one for her...
 
Before leaving the house to go to the Vet, I took a rescue tablet and a panado, because my head was throbbing so very sore! 

​Angel Wings
I climbed into the car… my head pounding painfully… my heart tearing apart even more… My son picked Poppy up off of the lawn where she was sniffing the grass and put her on my lap and drove us to the Vet.  

As we traveled towards the Vet, a short distance from our home, a car drove in front of us all the way, and my son and I were both touched to see a picture of angel wings stuck on their back window… Under the picture was written:  In memory of my loving son.  I don’t know what it was about that, but we took it as a sign that we were not alone with our pain… someone else shared the pain of loss with us, they would understand.  Heaven sent us this sign to comfort us… I will never forget those angel wings… not the same as the picture I’ve shared, but that doesn’t matter… It was that beautiful moment in time… a light shining in the darkness of our pain that will always count most.  Heaven was with us.
 
Goodbye Mrs. Poppy Peanut
When we arrived at the Vet, I was losing it completely, because my sadness was so deep and I was crying so much… I could not keep my crying voice in… my head felt as though it would explode… The receptionist and a mother and daughter client inside, were so kind and helped me to stay reasonably calm, but the tears kept flowing and continued to sob quietly.  I can’t remember anything they said, other than, that “The dog-owner is often filled with guilt when they bring their dog to be put down…” I wasn’t feeling guilty at all, so I remembered that.  I remember the mother coming and putting her hand on my shoulder to comfort me… A man came through with his son and a dog… I think… I can’t remember seeing a dog, but there must have been… and he said something kind to me.  I felt comforted by his words… but I don’t remember what he said.  My son thinks he said, “All dogs go to Heaven”…
 
Through his quiet tears, my son Andrew commented… “Shew mom, your toes are blue!”… I looked down… they were indeed.  I guess the upset and sobbing was depleting my oxygen… I wasn’t breathing properly… 
 
Poppy lay between my youngest son and I, looking around as if interested in all the goings on… The Vet came to take Poppy to prep her for her final injection… I wasn’t happy to be separated from her, but he explained that it was better for both the owner and the dog… then he called us in. 
 
She was standing quietly on the table… I wrapped left arm under her chin and around her, pulling her against my chest and the other arm stroking her head and back while I did my best to reassure her that she was safe and not alone.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing for Poppy… my youngest son stood right next to me… he had been crying also.  The Vet leaned forward and injected into the thing he’d put into her leg earlier… I couldn’t see what he was doing… thank Heavens… it happened so fast… she just lay down in my arms so peacefully and fell asleep.  It was done so gently… so right… I asked him if it was over and when he said yes, I thanked him with such a deep and overwhelming sense of gratitude (and a bucket of tears)… he shook our hands and then gently took Poppy in his hands.
 
Poppy went to sleep tonight, and she is no longer suffering... of course, I'm heartbroken, but it was harder to see her suffering than it will be to learn to live without her... I believe I will see her again.
 
Some comments (there were many, but this post is already too long so I’m only posting a few)
 
Brie: I'm so sorry! Love you Auntie. 😢😢
 
Vee: Aw my friend, my heart breaks for you 😭 it's one of the hardest things in the world to say goodbye to a fur kid 😭 please stay with her till the end, if you can. Best for her to go in your presence, it's incredibly difficult for an owner but she gave so much love and loyalty for so many years, please try not to let her go alone. Sending big hugs and strongs 💖
 
Panayiota: I stayed with her dearest Vee... it was so healing for me to do so... one of the bravest things I ever did and I'm so grateful now that I did. It's the first time ever that I found the courage to do that.  She fell asleep in my arms so peacefully... she knew she was loved and protected right until the very end… Lots of love to you
 
Vee: Panayiota, so sorry for your loss 💔 you are a wonderful person, so glad she went on her way in your loving arms ❤️ love you always 💖
 
Mrs. Poppy Peanut was my constant companion and my most valued daily source of unconditional love… and now she was gone… UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN 💖
 
To be continued…
 
~ Panayiota