HAPPY 80th BIRTHDAY MOM

While my longing, dreaming days still existed, I once wrote…
 
Dearest Mother
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Your troubles must have been far worse than mine, with no one standing near,
No gentle mother to hold you close, instead an angry monster who filled you all with fear!
A father you loved, but could not trust, took your innocence away,
Yet somehow you chose the best of him, for the mask you wear today!
Forever lost in a state of turmoil, confused as you battle your deep pain!
Denying any weaknesses in you, as you continue to run from the shame!
Now I understand you at last mom, after all these difficult years,
Now I understand your bitterness and your agonizing tears.
Now I understand why you manipulate and hurt others the way you do!
At last I understand your motives, and what’s been eating away at you!
I understand you more and more as my own struggling years roll by,
No longer am I left confused and hurt, asking, “Why mom… WHY?”
How sad your own life must have been, how difficult to bear,
You must have been so lonely mom, with no one nearby to care!
No listening ears, no friendly hugs, no one to help you to be strong,
Yet you fought on relentlessly the way you knew best, and just struggled on and on!
You fooled the world into believing that you were totally in control,
But mom, you never once fooled me, as I watched the bitterness take its toll!
Yet you’re braver than you know my mom; you’re stronger than an ancient twisted tree,
And though I don’t want to end up as miserable as you, you are still an inspiration to me!
Don’t give up, though the way is long, keep searching for your truth!
Don’t let life take anything else away, as it did in your past and your youth!
Look up!  Look up, the sky is still blue, and God’s Love Has always been Real,
There’s always hope no matter what, and it’s never too late to heal!
 
~ Panayiota
(31 December 2004 – Though my struggle still continues, I do understand and forgive you mom, from your forever-loving daughter)
 
Why Must Your Daughter Cry?
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Mother, why don’t you love me?
So long my heart has ached!
Why don’t you stop the hurting games,
Designed only to make ‘you’ look great?
I know your childhood was so hard mom,
And no one believed in you!
No one was there when you needed them,
Or loved you just for you!
But mom, you cannot buy love,
Or cheat to gain your need!
You cannot manipulate for attention,
Or be ruled by such selfish greed!
You have to earn respect and love,
It has to find your heart true!
You cannot force it to your way,
Of make it entertain you!
 
Are you blind mom? Can’t you see?
I’ve been here all these years!
Holding all the love you need,
To melt away your fears!
But for some strange reason, you cannot accept,
Your daughters loving heart!
You never have and never will,
You’ve hated me right from the start!
You’ve left me confused and lonely!
You’ve tortured my very soul!
I just cannot succeed in being the one,
To fill your needy goal!
No matter how much I love you!
No matter how hard I try,
I’ll never succeed in winning your heart!
Oh, mother… Why must your daughter cry?
 
~ Panayiota
(28th February 2005)
 
 
I entered in my diary today ~ 20 June 2020
(“Patty” referring to my wounded inner-child)

​On Mother’s Day, in 2013 when my mother made it perfectly clear that she wanted nothing to do with my sister and I, I was at last able to stop longing and dreaming for her love… I was then able to exchange my longings and dreaming for another belief I chose to hold onto instead… the belief of a Heavenly Mother whose True, Nurturing and Unconditional Love had always been there for me and that She would be waiting for me with Her Loving Arms wide open to embrace me, one wonderful day, when I eventually go HOME.
 
The sad truth is, that after all these years, I would not trust or believe my earthly mother if she suddenly reached out with her love.  I had to get past all my longings and dreaming to find a place where I could eventually survive without her love.  The wall I put up to protect my heart from her constant bashings had to be a strong one… VERY STRONG.
 
If she were dying and could be brought to me, I’d take such good care of her until she passed away and show her all the love, dignity and worth she’d never really known as a result of her own horrific child-abuse experiences.  I wish somehow, that I could have the gift of doing that for her… to see her off with all my love, because my only REAL ACHING now, is to imagine her dying alone… I could NEVER wish that on her EVER. 
 
My prayer today, is that someone who lives near her, will LOVE her with so much tenderness and care, right through to her END and will be there to hold her and tell her she’s LOVED over and over, on the day she passes.
 
It still hurts mom… it still hurts… because I can’t stop loving you… and deep down, Patty’s aching and longing cannot be stopped… I have to keep adding more bricks to that wall… fill in each new hole that might appear… (that hole in my soul that is in my shape of you mom…)
 
Thank you for sharing this with me today
 
~ Panayiota
(For Patty ~ Beloved daughter of her Mother in Heaven)