I AM A DETERMINED RIVER

Just over 5 hours sleep last night after an upset when my son showed me one of the WhatsApp posts that someone had posted on our family group which I have not looked at since my father’s birthday was mentioned which sent me into an internal whirling mess that I’ve been stuck in ever since…
 
The words of the post were:
 
“Rivers never go in reverse, so try to live like a river.  Forget your past and focus on your future.  Always be positive!”
 
Immediately, any progress I was making after recent hurts, was instantly washed away!  I lay awake half the night, hurting and dealing with that hurt with angry thoughts… desperately wanting to hurt myself again, visualising it and the relief it would bring… but… I WON’T!  I am stronger than the need to hurt now…
 
The offending message might not even have been meant for me to see, but to tell the truth, I took it that way, because my longing for my Greek family to still be in my life is real… but without absolute reassurance of their unconditional love, it is totally impossible… so I am hurting easily right now.
 
For me… this post was very judgmental against me! 
 
Have they not heard anything yet?! 
 
MUST I REPEAT… For the adult survivor of severe child abuse… THE PAST LIVES WITH US AND IN US… IT HAUNTS US DAILY!  The past is not something we can just forget about… let go of… put behind us… etc.  It is something that WILL NOT LET US GO!
 
TORTURED SOUL!
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I am a tortured soul wondering lost
In a vast wasteland of my forgotten past!
Catching glimpses of
“It’s” burning scorching plains,
Where hope is lost in the endless torment,
Of billowing black smoke and scattered ashes.
Nowhere to turn!
Nowhere to hide!
Nowhere to run!
For each road keeps bringing me back
To where all this pain belongs!
I cannot escape its blazing snare!
This endless punishment –
For some dreadful sin that I never committed!
It was not even mine!
Yet, I must suffer this burning hell!
That will not stay with the one who created it!
The one who deserves it most!
ABUSER!  RAPIST!  THIEF!
You stole my childhood!
You stole my freedom!
You stole my happiness!
You stole my health!
You stole my friends!
You stole my portion of LOVE!
And I am forced to live on in your land of horror!
While you are free to go on with your destroying ways!
Who else have you already sent here?
Who else knows how terrible this lonely anguish feels?
 
(Sunday, 28 October 2007)
 
Oh, my goodness me… CAN ANYBODY HEAR OUT THERE!!!!  Flip man!  ENOUGH ALREADY! 
 
When people can’t explain something or make you into what they want you to be… LIKE THEM… they will set all sorts of curses upon you, instead of giving all of what is most needed…
 
THEIR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! 
 
Having some idea of the religious perspectives of the one who posted it, I spent many hours last night, going over and over in my head what my therapist did by forcing her religion to the point of changing my religious perceptions forever… showing me just how destroying organized religions can be on the very souls of their weakest and most hurting members… and now it seems (to me with my hurting perceptions) that others in my world continue to hold that destroying torch for her… BE LIKE US OR YOU WILL ROT AND BURN IN THE HELL FIRES!!! Exactly what my therapist said to me over and over!!! 

I can remember hearing others speaking about others who were “not all there” in the past… saying how they had felt Satan in this one or that one… as if they had some divine vision into the exact goings on inside of each person that they didn’t like… who didn’t fit with THEM and THEIR WAYS.
 
I am so sick of the satan talk that I don’t even believe in a satan anymore… I believe that as human beings and Children of Divinity, we are quite capable of concocting and being evil all on our own.  We do not need some other entity to blame for our own cruelty towards others, etc.  We do not need to make such excuses for the evil we are so very capable of doing, inflicting, holding, etc. on our own!  And I’m not interested in how you’ve interpreted the biblical verses, because I already know how differently each church has interpreted the bible to suit their own teachings… it’s horrific to even think about… there are so many versions and beliefs… ALL SUCCEEDING VERY WELL IN DIVIDING HUMANITY AND KILLING ANY REMNANTS OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT SHOULD EXIST IN ALL, FOR ALL.
 
I am doing everything in my power to overcome the destructive affects of the abuse that DID happen in my childhood and left me with a lifetime of struggles… I WILL NOT LET ANYONE STOP ME NOW… This is my quest for healing and I will let nobody get in my way anymore. 
 
THIS IS BETWEEN MY GOD AND ME!  Stay out of it, unless you are able to give unconditional love, support and acceptance, as He has always given to me regardless of where I was on my path of personal spiritual development at the time. 
 
I wonder now, if in their discussions, they see me filled with evil demons, because I’m unsettling their apple-cart's by being different and outspoken about my pain and struggles… my weaknesses… standing up for my constant and life-long need for the reassurance of unconditional love…
 
Like I said to my online therapist… I cannot live with them, and I cannot live without them… but maybe, as they continue to judge and chip away at what has always been my fantasy of their unconditional love for me… maybe they will finally succeed by reinforcing this new reality… and then… I will actually be able to let them go forever.
 
For as long as they continue to judge… I will KNOW that their unconditional love and acceptance for me does NOT exist…
 
THE JUDGEMENT MUST STOP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, AND ALL IS LOST! 
 
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OR NOTHING!  
 
I should not even care about the person who posted it… BUT I DO!  I care about each and every one, because TOGETHER, they all make up that part of me that still holds onto the fantasy of their unconditional love, even while another part now feels that it has never really been. 
 
I AM TORN DAMMIT!!! 
 
But…
 
I AM A DETERMINED RIVER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I am a determined river,
No mountain can stop my flow,
I will flow around, under, through or over,
But forever forward I will go!
 
Every obstacle that tries to stop me,
May slow me for a short time,
But I’ll only grow stronger and braver,
For I follow my Lord Divine!
 
Pain and heartache will wash away,
With the help of my Loving Savior.
I do not wish to carry this load,
Or dig an early grave here!
 
Over His footsteps I will follow,
‘Till I reach the Mighty Sea,
Where no obstacle will again daunt me
And at last, I will be free!
 
(21st July – written from a Christian perspective in 1997)
 
I enjoyed attending my own church this Sunday… I shared on my FB page:
 
“I witnessed so much LOVE at church yesterday... it was so beautiful to see people reaching out to assist the aged with climbing steps, etc. Just so much courtesy and loving-care which one doesn't see so often in this world anymore... it was very special.”  

​Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota