I’m coming back from “Patricia”

Thankfully, a number of things happened this weekend, which I feel have started to lift me out of my recent negative and self-destructive Patricia-slump.  It always amazes me how I am taken to rock-bottom when a particularly difficult trial hits… tested to the very edge of my hold on my sanity and my life… but once the turn-around starts to happen… (and it always does)… a number of things start to come together, that make it obvious to me that a change for the better is on it’s way. 
 
23 August (Sunday)
I redid one of the videos for our Logotherapy students’ yesterday, Friday, and I'm happy with it. I have two here now just waiting for my middle son to come edit the sound to make it a bit louder and cut two error parts out and rejoin so I can send to my colleague for posting on our Logotherapy student’s online platform, and hopefully on YouTube also.  I’m excited about it as it is another step of progress for my life… another dream I never dared to dream coming true… I never dared to dream, because I never knew I had it in me to do stuff like this. 
 
I think how amazing it is, that my son just happens to have the expertise and a program for fixing and enhancing videos at this exact time of my life when I am working on these videos.  That is NOT a coincidence!  It has to be a blessing… it must surely mean that my videos are meant to be, even though I have felt so unconfident making them and sharing sensitive parts of my story so openly with the world!
 
I’m amazed that I’ve come this far since my healing Logotherapy journey started in my 50’s.  A reminder to me, to pull myself towards myself and rise above the times in my life when I CRASH as hard as I have over the last few weeks.  A reminder that I have a responsibility to LIFE which has brought me so far already… a deep sense of gratitude to hold onto and not take for granted.  I have now done three videos, plus another to be posted for a dear friend and colleague and I have three more videos to do.  Then after that… maybe to create more Logotherapy training videos… (a new and hope-inspiring meaning orientation for me to look forward to).  My colleague, Sheldon even suggested I do podcasts connected to my blog posts… maybe one day I will be doing these things with more practice, confidence and courage… but, I MUST finish my book first!
 
Working on the videos at this time has really been exciting for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to restart the videotaping due to my lack of confidence causing me to stammer, make mistakes, mix up words, forget what I wanted to say, etc.  I finally managed to put each of the three videos together, even still with some problems, but they are the best I can do and I just hope they will be good enough.  Working on the daydream world video was particularly hard for me.  It left me with sleep deprivation and messed for a day or two after I’d done it, but I’m just so glad it’s done now.  It’s something I felt was so important to share with the world, because in my experience, Logotherapy Dream Interpretation is a most powerful healing technique ever!  I'm excited about my videos becoming part of the training and YouTube... it gives me a greater sense of responsibility to put in the necessary work, to rise above the crashes as soon as I possibly can… the crashes will happen, but it’s how I choose to rise from them that will always count. 
 
Then yesterday I went to visit my daughter and son in law and their two dogs... and I feel as though I've been on a holiday. I feel lifted up by our time together... I always feel at peace at their house and, that was just what I needed to begin to reset my current highly negative and hurting mind-space to a more positive orientation. Only the 5th time I've left my house since mid-March... or fourth... my youngest son and I can't remember... maybe fourth...
 
Today I have a reading and editing job to do for our Advanced Training in Logotherapy course, and when I’m done with that, then during the week, I will start on the last three videos, which will take a while, because every picture in them will need to be replaced with legal (free use) pictures, as these videos might make it to YouTube. I will have to search for suitable free pictures on the Internet and that’s very time consuming, especially as I already felt that the pictures I had on my original PowerPoint presentations were perfect.  It’s going to be hard to find others that I’d feel as happy about!
 
My dearest friend, Mary-Anne’s had read my most recent blog posts, written on the 22 August, “Shutting the doors”, and sent a most beautiful WhatsApp message to me, which she also added as a Reply to my blog post.  You can read her message and my response to her there.  She is such a down to earth, genuine friend.  I am blessed to have her in my life.  Mary-Anne recently lost her mother to covid-19… her father and other members of her family also got it and thankfully recovered, but yesterday, 25 August, her brother in law passed away as a result of the virus, after a courageous battle for his life in hospital.  She has been through so much suffering these past few weeks, and yet, she can still take time out to be there for a friend.  I am extremely blessed to have her in my life.
 
Today, the weather has suddenly changed and I can feel Spring in the air… there’s also a sense of renewal with the arrival of Spring.  Maybe that’s why I am feeling so much better.  I don’t know.  I am feeling the SWITCH away from Patricia’s chaos and back into myself.  It’s such a feeling of relief… like I can truly begin to breathe again.
 
Other blessings that I feel have contributed to “the SWITCH” from Patricia, back to me 
One of my top Logotherapy mentors who I named Big Brother during my training many years ago, has, out of the blue, Friended me on FB over this time.  I see his face on my page every day… looking straight at me with the most beautiful, positive smile.  I’ve decided to call his picture, “The Face of Conscience”, because his presence, even if only in the form of a small positive photograph, reminds me to do the right thing… to emerge Logotherapeutically from this awful state of hurting… it’s almost as if, I feel that I can’t let him down… I mustn’t! 
 
I honestly believe that “Promptings from Life” such as these, are NOT coincidence.  In fact, I don’t believe in coincidence at all.  His sudden appearance on my Facebook page, was meant to be… to remind me of how far I’ve come since I first started training with him, and to not give up on the rest of my life… that maybe, I am still meant to be!
 
Conversation with a friend on Facebook re: Covid-19 (She responded to my post on visiting my daughter on Saturday, etc. [shortened])
 
Friend
Isn't it lovely to go out again? We have also been out only about five times, and two or three times for a drive, but it's so nice to see the world again. Glad you got the opportunity ❤️
 
Panayiota
Oh my word... I felt like maybe... just maybe I could do this life again!  I need to go out more often ❤
 
Friend
Half of me wants to go out and the other half's not so sure, hehe.
 
Panayiota
All of me has agoraphobia, so it's nothing new for me to stay home, but the whole covid thing has shaken me up badly.  I just hate everything about it and it's shattered my trust in the future, so, going out more would be a good thing.  It's what is needed to hopefully restore my will to continue on... if that makes any sense...
 
Friend
I totally understand. I'm feeling the same way. I love going out but the past few years I've been feeling very vulnerable, going out on my own, you know, car accidents, hijackings, etc., but once I'm out there, I'm okay - but it's just to get myself out there! And now with Covid, oh man, I want to go out, but I don't want to, if THAT makes any sense ... And on the occasion I've been out, like last week I needed another ball of wool - knitting squares for a blanket for my granddaughter's doll, have to keep myself busy - I literally charge into the store, nuke myself with the sanitiser, clutch my bank card and wool - no handbag - like it's the devil itself, and dash for the car, where hubs sanitises me again ..
 
Panayiota
That's me to a T... I want to go out there, but I don't! HUMPH! We need to give ourselves a kick-start in the right direction! Actively make the decision to do what we most avoid, because of the one truth of the matter... once we're out there we are happy we went...
 
Friend
But SO petrified of catching Covid 😢
 
Panayiota
Strangely, I'm not so into the whole sanitising thing at all.  I'm in the mindset that if God wants me to die, it's going to happen no matter what I do, and if He wants me to live... I will live.  So, it's not the BUG that's bothering me, but just the lost trust in the world and my future and in humanity, etc. I'm in that... “What's the use” place again, which is not a nice place to be, ... and yes... I do believe this has all been manufactured and carefully orchestrated for this time, so that's my struggle ❤ I love you my dear friend… we are all petrified of catching it, but I truly do believe that it is the fear that is killing the people and not the actual virus... I honestly believe that. The less we watch the news and the more we strengthen our minds with a will to live and go on, the more chance we will have of survival. I have lost my future orientation, and that's why I'm in so much trouble right now... I need to pull myself towards myself asap!!!
 
“The prisoner who had lost his faith in the future—his future—was doomed. With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and became subject to mental and physical decay.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 82) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Friend
I get you there: when it's your time, it's your time. BUT you can catch this disease, suffer horrifically, struggle to breathe, feel like you're dying, all alone in hospital - and survive, with horrific consequences that will destroy the rest of your life ... that's the bit I'm scared of ...
 
Panayiota
That's the bit I am petrified of also dear friend... and even worse, that a loved one is in hospital and I can't be with them, but we still have to do everything in our power to detach ourselves from the horror thoughts by whatever means possible, or we will drive ourselves crazy, weaken our own immunity, and expose ourselves to contracting illness more easily. The mind is very powerful... we can use it to our own advantage, or let it take hold and destroy us... so, I believe that we have to become active in protecting ourselves... not just physically, but mentally also. BIG HUGS ❤ ❤ ❤
 
I always realise, when I’m helping a friend… I’m actually helping myself.  Helping others and being in the service of others is one of the best defenses against mental illness!  I realise, I have a responsibility even towards my Facebook friends.  Many of which I have never even met, but who have followed my page for years without fail.  They have been such a strength to me personally.
 
24 August 2020
After just less than 6 hrs. sleep, I woke with a real sense of joy and peace creeping in a knowing that love can be taken from me, but it could not be able to stop me from loving.  I think I learned to hold onto love over all the years that I worked so hard to earn my mother’s love.  That no matter how many times she rejected me and my love, I could still love her, even to this day.  The only difference is, that since I buried the dream of my mother’s love in therapy at the age of 50-51, I was able to finally find a way to let go of that lifelong dream.  That it didn’t matter anymore if she didn’t love me.  I could still love her, but in a far more acceptable way… without the desperate childhood longings that made me so ill over so many years, and without the enmeshment that was destroying my soul and kept me trapped.  I found a way at last to fill that hole in my soul, that was in the shape of my mother, with new dreams and with substance of meaning, faith and hope.
 
I pondered about how uplifted with gratitude I was feeling this morning… what caused this change from my downcast state of the last few weeks.  I realised, that it was especially due to the visit to my daughter’s on Friday which did good for my soul… and the editing I’d done on the Advanced Training in Logotherapy course which is soon to be added to our website for our students.  Teria has worked hard to create our courses to the highest of standards, and reading that document was so inspirational to me.  It reminded me over and over of where I needed to be in order to transcend my recent struggle.  I loved what she wrote on page 41 of the document.  It reminded me, of my immense responsibility, towards my own healing… not only as a Logotherapist, but also as “my own client” as I continue on my transcendent journey towards my personal healing. 
 
What would I be doing to help a client in my situation?  What should I be doing to help myself?  I think the answer is, to TRUST that I am not a broken victim of my past still, but rather, that I do have the answers to my own problems inside of me, and I need to keep my focus on accessing my own healing power, instead of what is lost and what is broken and what has been taken away. 
 
Teria wrote: 
 
The client is the expert!
I want to tell you a wonderful secret:  you, as a logotherapist, are not the healer – the client is!
From the depth of their intuitive knowing, clients are pretty convinced of what is meaningful in their lives and what is not; that for which they are searching and hoping to find, and that which they need to combat and get rid of in their lives.  They know this better than you do!  They are being spoken to by life; the circumstances which they face and are being confronted with are theirs, not yours!  Your role is to tune into this conversation.  It is not you who are conducting the whole affair!  How forcefully this truth unseats you; takes you off the pedestal of knowing exactly what the client needs, and that you will be setting out for the client to realize and advise the client to do!  After all, you are the expert!  Are you?  Who can really plumb the depths of a client’s heart; climb into his or her mind; decisively direct his or her actions; get the client to a winning post that somehow applauds you, not the client?  Do you really want to be in the place of being the one who knows all the answers or that should know them?  This agonizing, anxiety-provoking situation was explored in Chapter Five of our main prescribed book.  Look at it again. 
 
(Main prescribed book: “The Life-changing Impact of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy” ~ Teria Shantall)
 
I also love what she wrote on page 61 of the same document:
 
Frankl spoke about the need of a Basic Trust in Being.  “Underneath are the everlasting arms” is a Scriptural definition of the Unconscious God in our experience of unconditional love and, with that, of the unconditional meaningfulness of our own lives.  Unconditional love declares us to be unconditionally worthy.  During the earlier or more immature stages of our lives we may not fully realize this divine fact and with it, that there is meaning out there in the world and that it can be found in any situation, anywhere, and at all times. 
 
It did me good to do the editing on Teria’s incredible work.  I was reminded, that I still really cared about the people who had upset me so much in 2017… and others whom I’d distanced myself from over time and even the most recent.  The distance was only caused because I truly believe that they did wrong.  The only reason that our relationships could never be mended, was because they would never admit what they did wrong, and managed to turn it onto me, hurting my reputation in order to protect their own, and in the process, I lost… and it seemed that they never cared.  For me, there is still pain attached to the losses I suffered… but I believe that for them, they have moved on and forgotten that I even exist.
 
I wrote to my far away sister today
I see Teria is using some of my story in the Advanced Training in Logotherapy course and mentions my name more than once.  I can’t let her down when she has put so much faith in me.  It’s something else when someone believes in you more than you believe in yourself!  I know my God does, but it’s a foreign concept when a mere mortal does, and she just never give up on me no matter what.  Amazing woman that!  I’m so grateful for the gift she is to my life.
 
My sister had also read my most recent blog post and she responded with her sweet wisdom via email.
 
Hi Pan,
 
I read your blog and I must say, I have been in the same position you are. Not wanting to make friends, because they always go out of my life... most of the time not my choice. It is sad and heart wrenching and I always say, I’m not going to make friends again... hahahaaaa!!!  I inevitably do and just wait for the bomb to drop and the friendship to be ended.  My real friends are all long distance and that works really well, no outside influences.
 
We are here but a short time and no matter how painful the experiences, it is good to have friends, even for a season. God challenges us with each relationship and we do learn more about life, people and ourselves. Never cut yourself off from the outside influences or experiences, they are opportunities to learn and grow into a better way of knowing that this is not our home and that people in general are untrustworthy and shallow in many instances, but how do you weed the tares from a good harvest unless you let them grow first… Most friendships are only for a season. There is always a part of us left pained, and broken; in a mental and emotional mess. Be blessed that you can still feel the pain of separation and you heart is not calloused by years and years of such sad endings. Rather have a heart of flesh than a heart of stone.
 
Love you my sister. Blessings and peace,

Shev
 
In the evening, my second son came to edit my videos and I so enjoyed his visit.  We shared some spiritual time together which I really enjoyed very much.
 
Something else I wrote today (re: finishing a task… i.e. finishing my book)
We have to work out what is holding us back.  What is the real reason we are not completing our Life-task?  Are we afraid of being authentic? People knowing our deeper thoughts? Are there sensitive things we want to share, but are embarrassed about?  I have found that it is very important to be authentic and to not let any embarrassment get in the way of our truths.  Just write what is in our heart regardless of any worries about what others will think of us.  Question ourselves… Do we have an idea what is stopping us from finishing our tasks?
 
How did I get to where I am?  What prompted me to take on Viktor Frankl’s concept of response-ability rather than continuously feeling victimized and stuck?  What was the process?  How do I self-transcend my issues whenever they crop up?
 
I believe that while we are thinking and wanting for someone else to FIX us... or while we believe that we can FIX our past still, by manipulating or demanding, or expecting someone else to give us what we missed out on in our childhood... (and I'm speaking as an adult survivor of severe child abuse), it is then that we are unable to emerge from our victimised state.  We are still expecting to receive what was taken from us as children.  But, Victor Frankl taught me that there was no going back into my past to FIX anything that happened or should have happened, and that I am SOLELY responsible for my own current life, my own behaviours, actions, reactions, perceptions, setting boundaries, respecting boundaries, etc. and that's why I have managed to find as much healing as I have... because I stopped imagining and expecting for someone else to do it for me.  I started to see how my negative behaviours were affecting others... how I am responsible for any negativity I attract, and so on.  Even the recent negative situation I have been writing about, even though I was NOT in the wrong, it was made SO MUCH WORSE, by my reacting negatively to it.  We have to develop an ability to respond appropriately to situations that are inclined to trigger our more negative responses.  We have to take control of our responses to what triggers us.  Logotherapy is the ONLY form of therapy that ever helped me, because of this very reason... it calls on my conscious and my noetic (spiritual) dimensions to DO THE RIGHT THING... even if it goes against my childish WANTS and NEEDS in the moment.  I have learned that if I don't respond appropriately in the triggered-moment... I LOSE... and I create much more PAIN AND LOSS for myself and others too, than was necessary... We recreate the sufferings of our past by our own negative reactions.  We have to become response-able!  To take personal responsibility for our own healing journey.
 
25 August 2020
Woke very heavy-hearted and felt ill, even nauseas for most of the day.  I’m wondering if too many blankets with the change in the weather… suddenly too hot and humid also. I know that heat affects me, but I’m not sure how.  I was told once after tests, that I was borderline epileptic, but thankfully I’ve never had a fit (there’s three epileptics in my family; my mother, uncle and brother), but I do know that being overheated very much affects me adversely!  So, I’ve thrown one of the winter blankets off… let’s see how it goes now.
 
26 Aug 2020
Still feeling heavy and very, very distant and struggling with dissociation today.  So obviously, I haven’t quite recovered from recent events and losses that I perceive have happened, but at least I’m not feeling Patricia’s chaotic state anymore… she’s definitely more reassured and rested now.  The day has been too quiet though… other than chatting with students and counselling with a client who has come back to me from a long time ago, and with a child/adult abuse survivor on Facebook which has been very special, I just can’t seem to settle today.  Some anxiety and still struggling with extreme tiredness that seems to come with the dissociation.  But then again, I haven’t been sleeping well; I’m lucky if I’ve managed 6 hours sleep a night, which I know is great for some people, but it’s just not enough for me.  I struggle to fall asleep!  Tonight, I will take ¼ sleeping pill.  I have to have a good night’s sleep again!
 
Sharing with a friend today about being a Sacred Dying Doula:
I've always felt a sense of not-belonging... but at the bedside of a dying person, I have never felt more like I belonged anywhere else.  It is the one place I feel totally free to BE... free to LOVE unconditionally... and... in the presence of angels... and therefore I feel totally UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED there also.  The dying person does not lie there judging and requires only nurturing love... which is the one thing I have that I cannot fail in when I'm with someone who is on their last journey here.  It is the one thing I have TOO MUCH of and no true outlet for that is more real and accepted than with the dying person.  I was so happy to find a three-module course to become a Sacred Dying Doula... it's a certificate I will always treasure, and a Life-task I will always be drawn to with all my heart.
 
Friend
Although I haven’t known you for very long, I get the sense that you are able to connect with people who are facing their big next step in the journey of life… death.  As you put it ‘nurturing love’, I really feel that you have a ton of this to give and God bless you for it! It’s so needed.
 
Panayiota
My heart is so complicated... definitely too much love to spare for anyone who needs it at any time... but my heart is so easily broken and rejected... self-sabotaging doesn't help.  But I've found, it's in the giving, not in the receiving that I am most sustained and blessed, so I just need to find opportunities to give more love, in order to keep my soul alive.
 
A new student named Grant wrote this to me this morning, and I’d like to conclude with it (used with permission)
 
"At first, I was angry at the world and everything in it. That was until I came to the realization that no amount of anger or any negative emotion will alter my reality for the better. Then I came to the realization that Isaac Newton had a point; for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Something bad has happened, I can’t change it. What good can I learn from it?"
 
I learn so much from our Logotherapy students… they inspire me to greater heights!
 
I am so grateful for the times when I see the end of a certain struggle happening and feel myself resurfacing again. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me today. 
 
~ Panayiota