IS THIS MY LAST BLOG POST? You get to decide…

​About an hour or two after I wrote the last blog post, I developed pain in the inner aspect of my right knee.  It became so sore that I could not sleep properly for nights.  I didn’t know where to put my leg so as not to be leaning on the sore spot and to keep it as comfortable as possible.  At times, my whole leg throbbed from top to toe!  I had to use crutches for a few days to get around.  I could not remember hurting it in any way, so I don’t know.  It didn’t seem to swell much at all, so I wasn’t sure if it was gout or an injury.  I had sat for two cold winter days writing that blog post… I can’t explain the stress-anxiety that happens when I’m writing a deep blog post like the last one and I imagine this one is going to be pretty much the same, because it might be my last, so it’s already causing me anxiety. 
 
It’s like there’s so much going on in my head, that I have to get it out, but in my head, there is chaos, so I sit here and just start to type and hope it will ALL come out in some kind of order.  This reminds me of when I was a child… you could give me your most tangled balls of wool to untangle and I’d sit for hours doing it until all the knots were untied and the balls were separated from each other and each rolled neatly again.  That’s a bit what writing a blog post feels like to me… like I can’t rest until it’s done.  So… I wondered if the stress-anxiety caused the sore knee (which is still hurting a little today, (15-days later), or if I hurt myself somehow… sitting for ages, cold and stiff and moved wrong, or something.  Maybe I banged it on the corner of my coffee table and don’t remember… but there seemed to be other gout-threat aches and pains in my feet and generally all over at that time… as if my body was poisoned again, so I’m thinking gout as a result of the stress of writing the last blog post… I don’t know.
 
June was a stressful month with all the traveling to and from the student’s workshops… too much excitement… long hours and lack of sleep… on the go constantly with little time to rest in-between.  My house got into a hideous mess over that time, and my room, which doubles as my office became completely out of order with workshop supplies and paperwork piled all over… after the workshops, everything felt totally out of order, but there was still so much to do… marking student’s portfolios, getting the rest of the house sorted out and trying to keep that side in order.  Yesterday, for the first time, I found a little time to start working on getting order back in my room.  I will try to finish off in here today when I’m finished this post… I need order in my surroundings… there’s enough chaos in my head without adding more. 
 
With no vacuum cleaner and my sister’s helper, for some reason no longer able to come regularly twice a week for two hours each time like before, it is harder than ever to keep up now and dust is collecting everywhere, which is not good for my son or me.  The more things get out of hand, the more chaos develops in my head… I just can’t keep up… the garden also needs attention… but I am buried here most of the time… behind my computer… either working or escaping… battling dissociation so much that it’s driving me bonkers… it has even returned to me when I bath.  I haven’t had that problem when I bath in months and thought it was gone… but it’s back!  I struggle to stay connected to finish bathing now… it’s taking longer than it should, because I am lost in there for so long again… AARGH!  And what really frustrates me is how my eyesight also seems to go with the dissociation… a bit like when you are looking at one of those pictures that you must focus your eyes deeper into, so that you can see the image that is hidden inside of its’ complexity… I’m even doing it now, and must keep pulling my eyesight back to normal focus so that I can continue with my typing… I also describe this as… “the deeps sleep” … or “falling down the rabbit hole” … like something is trying to suck me away into oblivion… or, “The Twilight Zone” … maybe the whole “chronic fatigue syndrome” thing that I mentioned before in a recent post… connected to dissociation and child abuse.
 
Anyway… I must just keep moving forward… be it in slow-motion or what… the work must go on, regardless of this great desire to run from it forever… escape reality and responsibility…
 
And as can be read in my last blog post, there’s been all this political nonsense that’s been going on in the group I’ve been a part of for so long.  That has triggered Patricia and all her deep array of emotions… and that has been my biggest struggle of all since around May and I can’t seem to put her back to rest inside of me again… she has desperately needed to have her say and is constantly silenced by the results that arise, just because she dares to speak… beaten down constantly by “mother”… mother always, always wins.  I even lost my best friend EC many years ago, because mother won!  She thrived in taking away everything and everyone who I ever dared to love more than her.
 
When Patricia tried to talk to mother about what the stepfather was doing to her… mother would respond… not in just words… but Patricia knew…  “Children shouldn’t be seen… shouldn’t be heard… should not have been born… shouldn’t exist!” … and that’s how Patricia became stuck forever inside in that agonizing place “buried in the wall” … (the picture I once drew that I have included in my book which I hope to finish and have published soon).  It just occurred to me why I used the “trapped inside the wall” symbol for Patricia when I drew here, using “the power of the other hand”… but I will keep that explanation for my book.  WOW!  It amazes me how the mind works… files things away and puts them together to try make sense of things.
 
Yet another financial blow! 
On the 7th July I wrote on Facebook :  Serious panic going on here! I sent Andrew with my car to the mechanic to see what's happening with the dreadful grinding sound whenever we push the breaks. Asked him to call me before doing anything... he sent a please call me which I only saw about half an hour later, so I called him back. They say that there's metal on metal and the whole back brake drums need to be replaced, etc. R2880+ OH MY GIDDY AUNT!!! I told him to bring it back, but he says they're already working on it!  I sent out an urgent plea on our Family WhatsApp group for R2000 loan... NOW WHAT? EEEEEK! How on earth will we eat this month!
 
My three older children responded that day… they were there for me and I knew it, and that’s more important to me than anything that any money could ever buy!  I ended up though using money off my two bank cards to pay the bill, with the knowledge that I could call on my children for assistance when our remaining funds were finished.  Thankfully, we’d already paid our other bills and bought most of our more expensive groceries for the month and still had frozen food I had made previously, in the deepfreeze… so all we’d really need towards the end of the month, would be the cheaper foods such as, basic salad veggies, bread, milk, eggs, etc.  We could do without the other “nice” stuff.  I have tons of lettuce and herbs in the garden which is proving very helpful too.  I would owe money back to the one card though, because that was not mine, so there’s already that worry for August and the timing is badly out on our car… the mechanic suggested we have that seen to also… AARGH!  My lovely sister-in-law, Irene, also responded to our plea for help and made sure that we were stocked up with “shop returns” again.  (Any damaged or outdated, products from her supermarket).  In general, these are not things that I eat as they are not part of my special diet, but they are perfect for my son and we are so grateful for this help also in times of need… what a difference it all makes.  And, one of my dear Facebook friends also responded immediately to my post about the car by donating R500 to help us with our expenses.  I did not expect that at all and felt so loved by her kind generosity.
 
The unexpected expenses have been hitting us month after month without let-up!  Enough already.  Our church will say that it’s because we have not been paying tithing that we are suffering financially, but because they were not able to ensure that I could stick to my special diet (controlling diabetes, arthritis/gout, using diet alone), it has made it completely impossible for me to commit to paying tithing.  I cannot go back to how obese and sickly I used to be!  Every cent helps me to stay on my diet… and it is NOT a luxury diet by any means.  I am healthier than I’ve ever been in years and had lost 52 kg’s.   I say “had”, because since May with all the upsets I’ve put on 3 kg’s!!!  One of the reason’s I am writing this blog post… because I must take back control of my own life and (physical/emotional) health needs again!
 
So, what do I do… DO I SHUT PATRICIA UP AGAIN AND LOCK HER AWAY… to make everyone else happy?  Do I deny her hurts and needs to be heard yet again?  Do I do this, in order to keep harmony among the people I know… keeping in mind also that “Hurt People Hurt People”, and my friends cannot understand the dynamics of Patricia… they try to and for that I’m grateful, but a person can only take so much of Patricia’s trapped frustrations, hurting and anger showing on the surface.  So, do I now lock Patricia away to protect them… or… do I push them away to give Patricia time and a chance to feel/experience exactly what she needs to feel until she can make sense of it all for herself and hopefully find her own place of healing, safety and belonging in this world. 
 
This is her time to be heard and healed… and like the sayings go…
 
You cannot go back into your past to find healing… so you have to find a way to find it here in the present…
 
And you cannot expect anyone from your past… OR PRESENT to be the ones to rescue you from your pain and struggles that stem from your past… that would be expecting far too much from people who do not and cannot fully know or understand where you are coming from…
 
So, all that is left is exactly what I learned to do with Patty… I learned that only I… MY ADULT SELF (Panayiota) could ever possibly be able to help the other parts of me.
 
If this means pulling away for a time from all those I love, as well as the finger-pointing, gossiping judges, then so be it. 
 
If it means losing more friends, because they can’t understand, and needing to distance myself from them for a time or forever if there’s no other way… then so be it too.
 
I am on a quest for healing, and whatever losses I have to incur along the way, I realise I need to face and accept them so that I do not deliberately harm others by staying too close to them.  I would NEVER deliberately harm anyone.  If I chose that kind of behavior, then I’d be no better than my mother… she left people destroyed in her wake.  I will do everything in my power to never, ever end up like her.  A promise my sister and I made to each other when we were children and have done our best to keep ever since.  So, when I see people beginning to be hurt by my weaker behaviours… that’s when it’s time to withdraw from them altogether… even if it means never having them back in my life again as a result.
 
I have recently distanced myself from my family WhatsApp group, because so often I feel more alone there than I do otherwise… (keeping in mind that I am aware that everyone else isn’t isolated like I am… they have bigger families and active, busy lives, so they can’t know what I’m feeling, or thinking during all the lonely hours of isolation each day) it was the same when I distanced myself from the ladies of the church WhatsApp group… I felt very lonely there too… and in the last few days, I’ve also made the decision to distance myself from not just the person/s who caused Patricia to surface, but the entire group, because I can feel the effects that Patricia is having on them and I cannot allow that.  I discovered that what I consider to be a close friend, recently deleted herself off of my Facebook page… a painful realization of another lost friend and judge in my life… seeing her gone from my friends list hurt a lot.  One person, in a WhatsApp message the other day, made it quite clear that she was angry with me for sharing what I had with her “in a moment of desperation… I trusted her friendship implicitly” … I’m sure she was also upset with what I shared on my last blog post, even though I did not mention her name on it … Her rejection in that moment in time was the last straw for me, (one loss of “a special friend” too many!) and that’s when I knew… ENOUGH!
 
Patricia’s emotions are right on the edge again… I once wrote:
 
THE BITTER EDGE!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
 I come close to the edge of the abyss at times,
And it’s not a good place to be!
Every nerve in my body is pulled tight,
As they play ‘Discomfort’s Symphony!’
My mind feels like it’s racing through time,
On a roller coaster to fast too describe,
And it’s a struggle to keep it together,
As I grasp tightly, to: I ‘Must Survive!’
The world spins around me like a hurricane,
And hail pelts my soul in the storm!
Lava spills over my insides,
As from life I am gradually torn!
But there’s always ‘One Fight Left’ within me,
Calling me to ‘Never Give Up!’
I will turn from the edge of each abyss,
And cast down its’ ‘Bitter Cruel Cup!’
Yet there is fear when I know I have been there!
For I know it can trap me again,
Because once you’ve been that close to the edge,
Pain will easily find it again!
Longing to be lost in the depths of its’ darkness,
Where dense fog will cloud over reality,
Engulfing!  Consuming!  Possessing!
In the hope of setting pain free!
 
~ Panayiota
(11th February 2005 – 24h00 – EC, thank you for being there for me today!)
 
I also wrote a few years before:
 
INSANITY IS A PLACE OF REFUGE!
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“Insanity is a place where a hurt and damaged spirit goes for refuge in this world, when it can’t find love, acceptance, understanding, help or peace, anywhere else!”
 
~ Panayiota
(14 July 2000)
 
I also wrote the same day:
 
THE SANITY OF HAVING A TRUE FRIEND
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“NO ONE WHO IS BLESSED WITH A TRUE FRIEND COULD POSSIBLE GO INSANE.”
 
~ Panayiota
(14 July 2000)
 
FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE CRASHING
So anyway, at this time, I am feeling my family and friendship circles crashing once more and my sense of belonging dwindling rapidly again.  Because Patricia has surfaced, people are moving away… or… I am pushing them away… I am not 100% sure which… I think both.  I find it hard enough to deal with Patricia’s overwhelming intensity of emotions when she’s on the surface… my friends surely find it even harder… she is not a happy camper… who wants to be around someone who is always feeling frustrated and angry and speaks her mind.  I see and feel their connection fading in Patricia’s presence and that creates even more anxiety.  Patricia is hurting… and without meaning to, she hurts others… I cannot allow that to happen.
 
WONDERING ALONE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Losing faith in your fellow man leaves you wondering in a lonely and desolate place somewhere between heaven and earth.
 
~ Panayiota
(9th December 2000)
 
Someone posted something yesterday on Facebook that triggered this blog post for me… I’ve changed the wording and attached it as a picture quote. 
 
IS THIS MY LAST BLOG POST?  You get to decide…
I am requesting responses to this blog post please. 
 
If anyone at all is being helped by my blog, please let me know by commenting publicly below this post. 
 
If I receive no responses, then I will no longer post any personal posts, other than donation requests on my blog again.  I will continue though, to write blog posts and keep those somewhere safe.  I will also send copies to someone I feel I can trust completely to keep for me.  I will ask that person, that when I die, to post all my blog posts under the heading “Our voices from our grave” because I (Panayiota, Patricia, Patty) might be silenced while we’re alive, but we will NOT be silenced in death also. 
 
Depending on your responses… if any at all, I will make my decision whether to keep posting my personal experiences on my blog… that is in your hands.
 
Ugly posts will not be read or posted and will be deleted… that is in my hands.
 
A song that popped up on Facebook yesterday… I felt that it fitted well with my current situation and did bring a sense of comfort for which I am grateful.
 
Lauren Daigle - You Say (Official Music Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota 
 
If peace means being alone… then that’s where I want to be.

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