July 30th, 2017

PART 7 – THE COMPUTER IS NOW WITH A FORENSIC SPECIALIST ~ I can’t think about it anymore!
 
~ Monday, 24th July ~ Continued from last post...
Today is my 1st son’s birthday.  I love him so much and am feeling his love more today than I have in many years.  Last I heard, he is seeing another doctor, who has him on a medication that his helping him so much and he is a whole lot happier.  I am so grateful for that.
 
The computer shop was completely unable to help the second time around, and my 2nd son remembered a Forensic specialist at church, so he took my computer to him yesterday.  I cannot hope anymore… I honestly feel cursed, because so much has gone wrong over the last month... there has barely been a break between each blow... 
 
Yesterday I couldn't get on my Gmail... later in the day, I couldn't even access Google... today I can access my Gmail, but can't get onto my blog-linked Gmail... so frustrating... one thing after another... unrelenting.  I need a break, but now there's more work than ever, trying to rebuild my important work-related files, etc. so that I can be up and running efficiently again with that, not to mention trying to piece together my own personal stuff.  I've lost so many of my own files... MY POETRY… that is hurting the most right now!
 
My anxiety has been way over and above THROUGH THE ROOF!
 
I think I've been through all the stages of grief... and now at the place of... just numb... resigned to this fate of yet more great losses... still angry with Life!
 
If anyone is actually reading through each of these Part posts, I am truly grateful to you.  I do hope that what I write… (even though quite often, long and laborious reading for you I’m sure)… but I do hope that there are people out there who identify with my struggles and find help through my writings.
 
Why I write so much:
I was happy to find this link today… reading it was helpful.  Writing so much, helps me to make sense of my struggles... and mind struggles... it helps me to get things into perspective... it unravels the chaos and helps me to work out ways to get up again and move on... it shows me that I am courageous and resilient in the face of my struggles… or at least that I try so hard to be…
 
https://www.theladders.com/p/22799/anxiety-tragedy-heartache-writing
 
A personal choice I’ve made for change…
After recent devastating events, I’m choosing to sign off my letters to students and all who I write to, with my full name from now on… I’ve hesitated at times, to sign off with Panayiota, to people who have shortened my name in one way or another and have known me by that name for many years… I’m sure they will think I’m crazy… but I am persevering. 
 
Some of my students have already written back to me, instantly having changed to my full name… this has made my heart swell and tears of gratitude come to my eyes.  
 
When I die… my true name, PANAYIOTA, will be on my tomb stone… but, I don’t want to only be recognized by my true name when I’m dead… I want to be Panayiota NOW already… I’ll be 61 in November… surely I can choose now to be honoured by my own true name at last!  So many people who are really close to me call me Pat… I don’t want to be Pat anymore… it is not my name and never was!
 
Tuesday, 25th July
I'm so busy that I only stopped working late... I even received a student’s portfolio today for marking... so the BUSY is only getting crazier!  On Thursday, I will be at the university for the day... a day away from my work… I want to be there and I’d love the break from my four walls here, but I just can’t afford time away from my work right now.  With the prospects of two of my Introductory students coming with to hear our guest speaker on the day, I need to be there with them, so I will go.
 
I really do appreciate you sharing with me… thank you!
 
~ Panayiota