​Just Journaling (8th – 15th August)

8 August ~ Managed just over 5 hours sleep last night... crazy!  Yesterday I shared photos I’d taken with my little camera, a Sony DSC-S800 with other bug photography enthusiasts on the Facebook page, “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things”.  I was so pleased with how well the photos turned out using the Macro setting on the camera my little sister gave me in 2012 when I visited her in Canada… and we attended the Logotherapy World Congress in Dallas Texas together then also… it was such a wonderful, wonderful time!  I just love the camera so much, but never really learned how to use it properly yet.  Seeing the other people’s incredible photographs there on the Facebook page inspired me to work out how to use it for myself.  I’m sure I need to learn a lot more about how to use it, but for now I had some encouraging success with it.  The reaction of the other photographers to my photographs made me feel so good and I think it was all too much excitement responding to so many unexpected comments, and that’s why I never slept well… hahaha! 
 
9 August ~ So, my Woman's Day here in South Africa was a quiet one... I suffered an all-nighter migraine and lay awake most of the night in extreme discomfort!  The kind of throbbing pain, that if I cry or panic, I know it will get a whole lot worse, so I just lay there staring into the darkness concentrating on trying to stay calm and relaxed.  I took pain meds before I went to sleep and got in a few short hours of sleep, then around 3am, when I couldn't take the pain anymore, I took more pain meds and thankfully the headache started to fade not long after I woke from another short sleep.  Felt very washed out and tight headed all day.  It felt like a bad tension migraine, because my neck and back were in a knot and felt better when I massaged where I could reach.
 
Our helper, Shem came and finished off the brickwork in my vegetable garden.  He's a good man!  I defy anyone to tell me otherwise!  I am so grateful once more for his kind and willing assistance. 
 
So... when Shem had done his work and I was letting him out of our gate, I noticed a whole lot of cars parked outside of my neighbours house and a big hullabaloo going on between all the people there... a man sees me and runs to ask me if I know where the man who lives next door is... I tell him I don't know, and it's been quiet next door just lately... he asks if the mom is there... I'm thinking they are friends because he seems friendly, so say no, she's probably at work at the pharmacy.  He reminds me it's a public holiday and goes to knock at their door... nobody answers, so, they all go rushing off.  I then realised that there might be some trouble brewing with our young neighbour who we have reported recently for his inconsiderate nonsense and breaking their gate which has also caused a widening crack in our wall!  I felt terrible, wondering if they were going to embarrass or frighten the old lady at her work.  I wish I’d never told the man that she was at the pharmacy which is close to where we live. 
 
About an hour later, the son arrived back and I have to admit, I was actually scared.  What if he is dangerous?  I have been on "Danger alert" from the first time I met him... EEEK! ... I'm also scared he will take revenge on us or damage our car which is parked in the same carport we share together with our neighbours! 
 
What is sad though, is that it seems that my previous neighbour who I had believed had become a very close friend, is no longer messaging me and she is ignoring my messages to her… I can only imagine, because I dared to complain about the young man who was staying with his parents who are renting from my previous neighbour.  Friendship is far too important to me to play games like that with… if the previous owner no longer cherishes the friendship we built up during her stay here, before she moved, and if she can let a good friendship go so easily, then I guess that’s the end of that then.
 
It’s how it always is… real friendships are seldom true I’ve discovered.  Which friendship can I really trust… WHO?  I guess that’s why I don’t like people to get too close and don’t trust easily.  It always hurts when I’ve given so much of my love and trust to someone else and it is thrown back into my face like this… HUMPH! 
 
And life goes on…
 
Pm: I had a wonderful drive with my sister and nephew to go and pick up my other nephew... it was so needed. We went to the North West Province, right near (Hartbeespoort Dam), and on the way we saw cows, horses, warthogs, springbok, donkeys and a monkey and I also saw guineafowl.  We loved the mountains and vast fields and bush, and on the way home, we enjoyed a beautiful big orange-ball sunset I felt thoroughly rejuvenated and ready for a good night’s sleep by the time we arrived home.
 
I LOVE MY FAMILY <3 <3 <3
 
10 August ~ I had Shem here all morning helping me with high-dusting... a long overdue, much needed job!  With the donations I received last month, I was able to do so much and feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness that we received.
 
Because we don't have finished walls, there is a good 1cm ledge on each brick as it juts out of the walls and all the dust collects on them.  So, Shem used a broom (and the vacuum) to sweep the walls! He also washed shelves and vacuumed carpets, under beds, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am to him also, for his hard work ethic and integrity.
 
I also worked hard, especially after he’d gone, because I needed to put things back on shelves and rearrange, etc.
 
11 August ~ am: Drove my dad and youngest son to work… a good drive away and on the way home, I stopped in to visit my daughter in law to meet their two new puppies.  Their house is not far from my youngest son’s place of work, so before I drove to her house, I let her know I’d be there in just a few minutes, so that she would send me her gate entrance code.  I was halfway up the hill (on the way home)… quite far from her house already when I realised I’d forgotten to turn at the robots after I had left my son’s work, so I had to turn around to go back!
 
Some things just can’t be explained when you get to my age!  Good grief!  I just shake my head at myself.
 
Pm: My oldest son (recently divorced) came to visit me which was a wonderful surprise.  He seemed a little down in the dumps and lonely when he arrived… spoke about feelings of not belonging in this world… not fitting in… not being understood… needing to find friends like himself… people who would understand and accept him.  My heart went out to him in a big way, because I truly understood and empathized 100%.  I knew exactly what he was saying and how horrible and lonely it feels to be in that state of difference in this world.  He was a lot happier by the time he left to go have supper with my littlest sister… I’m glad he came out to visit us all and just pray he will be able to find his true place in this world soon… he’s suffered so many terrible trials and tragedies already in his short life… starting with child abuse also… God bless him… There are people who should love him unconditionally today, but don’t… it breaks my heart and unsettles my soul terribly.
 
12 August ~ Drove my younger son and father to work again and ended up getting home too late to get ready in time for church.  Later in the day I went to visit my daughter for lunch while her husband was away on a business trip. I always enjoy her company so very much. 
 
I could get so mad with myself!  We were enjoying our lunch together in my daughters very quiet and peaceful garden, and she finished eating before me.  I immediately started to feel self-conscious, in case she could hear me chewing… totally ridiculous… and because I was feeling self-conscious, I bit my tongue badly… ANAH!!! 
 
Anyway, I took our little dog with to play with my daughter’s dogs and although she doesn’t let my daughters’ dogs get too close, she absolutely loves it there.  She spends her whole time strolling around their garden exploring everything with her nose.
 
Back at my home in the afternoon, I started work on my book again, but only managed a few pages… I’m having a very slow start to the self-editing thing.
 
Previously, on the 4 August ~ after managing only 26 of 201pages, I stopped, because the next title covered where I spoke about how I honestly believe that my 2nd husband might have managed to sexually abuse all of my children, so, I just couldn’t go there straight away… it was evening and I didn’t want to go to bed thinking about all that… the stuff my nightmares are made of!
 
12 August ~ Managed to get back to my book today... still slow progress... stopped on page 33.5 of 201... 167.5 more pages to go… BIG tiredness suddenly overcame me, so I couldn’t go on.  Rehashing over the past is exhausting.  I cannot wait for this book to be done!
 
13 August ~ Today, with my son off duty, we drove to Unisa in Pretoria to pick up books for our students.  I worried about the amount of petrol we would use but I needed those books… I felt I just could not make our new students wait for them. 
 
On the way, I was pulled over by police… I’ve always wondered how I’d survive that, because it has never happened to me before and looked so scary to me.  Anyway, what a lovely officer he was.  He asked if I had my license, I said yes and while I was digging for it in my bag, he checked the car’s license, came back to my window and said it was ok, I could go… but so polite… I still showed him my license anyway and thanked him for doing his work and wished him a good day.  It turned out to be a very pleasant experience indeed.
 
Collecting the books from Unisa was also a surprisingly good experience for my son and I.  The people at Unisa Press were so polite and helpful. 
 
I then took my son to visit the Cow Farm.  Armed with my little old camera, we were so disappointed with the fact that we couldn't find much in the way of little creatures to photograph there.  I'm pleased with my lizard photo but wished for a closer shot of the fly.  I felt really, REALLY sad that insects are so scarce these days.  I am hoping that summer will bring more little creatures for me to photograph.
 
I remember my childhood and so many goggas everywhere. We couldn't walk on a lawn without grasshoppers and other little grass bugs jumping in every direction... But now we're lucky if we can find a single moth visiting our house at night... it's really, very sad.  At least the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page and the beautiful posts there, brings some hope that there are still a variety of little creatures out there... but still, I feel sad imagining them becoming extinct at the rate things are going.  I want to take as many photos I can for my grandchildren to enjoy and teach them to appreciate and take care of our little creatures now while we have them.
 
Brown cow:  It’s amazing what sort of things I notice and ponder very deeply and that can mess with my head sometimes.  When we arrived at the cow farm, we sat in our car for a while, facing a field with cows on it.  We enjoyed our picnic in the car.  We noticed a group of black and white cows huddled around a trough that they were eating from, and a good few meters from the, all alone and strolling around on its own, was a brown cow.  WHY?  I wondered… why was there that one different colour cow and why was it keeping itself separated from the others?  Surely a cow doesn’t have a colour problem!  And then, off my mind goes on a philosophically emotional journey all on its own comparing the cow scenario to our human existence in this world… Why?  Why? Why?  Why should anyone feel pushed aside, because they are different in any way?
 
Then we went to visit the calves in their tiny little pens where they were lying on hay.  I ache for those little calves… each isolated in those cold, shady pens which for some reason made me think of the concentration camps.  I wondered if I should ever go look at them again… the inner child part of me just wants to delight in seeing and touching the baby cows… but another part of me identifies with what I imagine is their pain and loneliness.  I think of abused children… how much it hurts me to be aware of them and the people who are not doing their best to help them… would I just turn my back, because it hurts me so much to see them and because it makes me feel uncomfortable…
 
I said to my son… that the way some of those little calves responded to us… sticking out their long tongues, as if to try and drag us in to play with them, or just to hug them, and reaching up their little heads as close to us as they could and shutting their eyes as we scratched their necks… we were giving them a moment of happiness… company… love… attention…
 
The phenomenal POWER of a moment in time or a genuine heartfelt smile
Was that moment worth something to those little calves?  It was just a moment, but surely a moment of loving kindness is better than nothing at all from us.  If it was all we could give, then it had to be worth something.  So, as uncomfortable as it was for me to see them in their miserable state… I did feel good that we could give them a little of our time.  Should it not be the same for the children (and the aged and lonely, etc.) of this world… to show them that we care… a child begging on the cold hard street corner… could a gentle smile be better and kinder than an indifferent turn up of our nose and a shoo away with a flip of our hand?
 
Some of the only good memories I have as a child and the ones I believe had the greatest impact on my life, were the brief encounters with genuine loving kindness.  I write more about those in my book.  But if we realise just how much power for good and life-sustaining influence we can have on the entire life of a broken child, by just those small moments of kindness and goodness freely given to them, then we would not hesitate to be better and do better for their sakes.   
 
When we arrived back from Pretoria, I took my youngest son to buy himself some new underpants and a few pairs of socks.  We had run out of our donation-money by then, so I wasn’t able to buy extra work shirts for him… those will have to wait a bit longer.
 
I was extremely tired and totally wiped out by the evening and had a good night’s sleep after taking a slow-release magnesium tablet which helps me to sleep.
 
14 August ~ Extreme dissociation and wiped-out tiredness... I could barely hold myself up all day long.  I felt as though I had a deep-blocked depression.  Was it due to the stressful day of traveling the day before or the hurting-stress of seeing those little stuck-calves… I was not sure what exactly had triggered it…
 
Book self-editing work pm… only managed a few pages yet again… up to page 36 of 202 pages (166 pages to go) I am adding and trying to take away at the same time… I do want the book to be a lot shorter, but so far I’m not succeeding at deleting any parts.
 
15 August ~ Today was my Greek name day... for one day I can BE Panayiota.  I lovingly remember those rare few people who have ever honoured me with my own name during my lifetime... my Greek mom (stepmother) especially. Thankfully I have been introducing myself as Panayiota to our new students and I'm being honoured more often now with my own true name and I'm loving it.
 
My dear old daddy phoned to wish me happy name day but once again called me Pat throughout our conversation… ludicrous… but I have accepted it now.  My mother changed my name after their divorce, and I guess everyone got to know me as Patty as that’s what she called me from then on.  I must just accept that some people will never be able to know me by my true name… it’s okay… I now choose to give honour to my adolescent inner rebel self, by allowing her name, Patricia (even shortened to Pat) to be mentioned by those who are used to addressing me that way.  Patricia deserves to hear her name also.
 
My littlest sister also remembered my name day and visited with a gift of meat for my son and I, to grill for supper… a lovely-yummy treat!  I was very grateful that she remembered.
 
We are watched over… Just yesterday I wrote about how sad I was about not seeing so many goggas anymore and today, when I came home from a morning outing to visit one of our dear old church lady friends, as I walked through my gate, I spotted a great big green locust chilling on my lettuce.  I recognised instantly that it was a gift from Heaven!
 
NOBODY could ever convince me that we are not being watched over by Heaven… this sort of thing has happened to me so many times in my life, that I cannot begin to entertain the idea of coincidences anymore.  I truly believe that a presence from the other side of the veil connected with my sadness over not seeing so many insects and creatures anymore, and they wanted to bless me with this beautiful locust today.  It was well camouflaged against the lettuce leaves, so I could have very easily missed it, but it was the first thing I saw when I came through the gate into my yard. 
 
I have friends in Heaven and I feel their love and I am overwhelmed once more with gratitude, this time for yet another gift of love to me.
 
In case you are wondering why I love little creatures so much, then here’s what I shared with someone on the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page recently:
I grew up a severely abused child... so, animals and little creatures became my friends and refuge. I also spent hours looking through a microscope at the wonders of creation... or making a pet of some creature or other and finding food for it every day... I still do that today.  I guess, I feel like I'm recapturing some of that wonder now when I look at the beautiful photos on this Facebook page... it truly touches my heart. There were very few happy things I can remember from my childhood, so when I can connect with those now, it is very meaningful to me. I really, with all my heart, appreciate the work you and everyone else is doing on this page... thank you so much.  I was reminded today as I showed my grandchildren some of the photos here, of a poem I once wrote for a neighbours child who loved goggas.
 
GOGGAS!
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I love goggas; I guess you won't agree,
Hairy, ugly spiders are the best that there could be.
Especially the big ones with beady little eyes,
And nasty pointed fangs that catch the passing flies.
And as for snakes, well they're just great,
When girls go near them, there're in a dreadful state.
But I don't have a problem, because snakes don't scare me.
I like them as fat and as long as can be.
Scorpions too are so much fun.
I find them under rocks, hiding from the sun.
I love their tails, arched up high,
In anticipation of a yummy insects strolling by.
Centipedes are the funniest of all,
They have hundreds of legs, but they're not very tall.
How fast they can run with all those feet,
If they run towards you, you'll spring from your seat.
I love the buzzing of the busy bees,
As they hum around flowers with pollen on their knees.
And those lovely red ants that nip so sore,
I just pull them off, oh, what a bore.
I can't understand why Mom gets so mad,
Whenever I mention the creatures I've had!
I collect them in bottles and boxes too.
Come visit anytime, I'll show them to you.
 
(23rd April 94 – For Dino – The Greatest Bug Lover Ever!)
 
This month’s unexpected expenses
I had three days of taking my daddy and youngest son to work and the trip to Pretoria and back… on the 10th August, I filled the petrol tank which came to nearly R800!  I was totally shocked, because it was only a few days before that we had put R100 in just to keep it going then.  I realise that I will be asking for R3000 to get to and from the three students’ workshops in November, otherwise I won’t make it.  Please if anyone can help… please do… I don’t want to miss any of the workshop time with my mentor and our wonderful students.
 
Whilst cleaning the walls on the 10th, the long neon bulb on the kitchen roof fell off and smashed to pieces.  Our handyman came a few days later to replace it with a normal roof light and bulb, only charging us R200 which I was grateful for, but it was still an unexpected expense.
 
The front door gate and door locks suddenly seem to be faulty... and me with my fears, imagined our scary (to me) neighbour might have been trying to get into our house while we were out... I know I'm jumping to conclusions... but that's how my mind works when someone scares me as much as he does!  So now, both locks need to be replaced... the one might just need a new key.  We have bought a new lock and keys for the front door’s security gate which no longer locks… that cost us R231.50… we still need help to put it in, because the last one does not have screws but pop-rivets instead which will need to be ground out.  If anyone living nearby is reading this and can help with that we’d really appreciate it very much. Also, the internal door lock, on the new door leading from our lounge into the hobby room still needs work… I think the hole is offset and causing problems with the functioning as a result.  My bedroom and sitting room lights need work also.  I’ve not had a roof light in my bedroom for about one or two years now since my son broke the connection trying to screw the bulb out… and the lounge light has been faulty since we moved here in 2012, so we only use the kitchen light to illuminate the lounge also which is not a lot of light for the lounge at night.
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.  I wish goodness and blessings on all who share my writings with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
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