Just Journaling ~ One day at a time

Friday, 6th April ~ My three dear faraway grandchildren arrived for a weekend sleepover.  I am not used to having anyone sleep over and have not had the privilege of a lot of time with these three, so I must say, it was very scary.  Once their mom had left, I realized that the middle one had a temperature of 39, so that really added to my anxiety of… Would I be able to care for them all properly… will I be able to do it all right for them… I love them so much… I wanted things to be perfect so that they would KNOW how much I love them.  I had such a great weekend with my three grandchildren.  I cried when they left… I tried not to, but it was out of my control. 
 
My son and daughter in law have separated... I had been told enough to disturb my mommy mind greatly... never quite knowing what is true and what isn’t… but there separation seems to be very amicable... there was no malice in my daughter in law's mention of my son's name when she visited and no malice in my son’s through my recent WhatsApp chats with him, so that has given me some sense of relief from my emotional turmoil. My daughter in law wondered if I would still love her... how could I not continue to love the mother of my grandchildren and the daughter I’d gotten to know over the years and how could I not continue to love my own son... I reassured her that I could not stop loving and supporting her... nor my son. I love them for different reasons... in different ways... but I still love them both very much.
 
Yes, I do fear what will be spread by the GOSSIPERS that might have also heard stories... they will only bring more pain and shame into the situation that has little to do with them!... but I have to keep trusting in Life's Plan for each and every one of us who are RIGHTFULLY involved in this situation right now and try not to think about the others and what they might be saying and spreading.
 
Life has a way of sorting everything and everyone out, regardless of the intrusion of the NEGATIVES! The ones who don't operate with pure hearts and LOVE, but rather feed on gossip taking sides for the sake of feeding and satisfying their own emotional needs. If there was more TRUE LOVE... there would be more HEALING where healing is most needed.
 
YES, I am talking from a greatly hurting heart as a result of my own personal EXPERIENCES!
 
My son and daughter in law, BOTH need genuine loving support... they need to know that they have not been forgotten... forsaken... judged... ONLY TRUE LOVE can lift any curse... 
 
THIS MOTHER'S HEART IS CRYING OUT TO THE WORLD FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE FOR THOSE I LOVE for my son, my daughter in law and my grandchildren! Not just for the story you feel most connected with... or the story that fits best with your religious values... even the Saviour so many of you worship, reached out both to the saints and the sinners with His GENUINE HEALING LOVE...
 
Why is this world so blind to what GENUINE, PURE LOVE really is!
 
I already know and feel comforted by the ones I know will bring only GENUINE LOVE into this situation... Thank you to those rare treasures of TRUE FRIENDSHIP and TRUE LOVE, with all my heart.
 
When my daughter in law changed her profile picture to her new boyfriends, I must say, it was too early for me as I’d only just heard about their separation.  It made me feel sad and uncomfortable inside, but that’s all.  When someone tried to tell me how terrible it was and immediately wanted to start an attack on my daughter in law… taking sides… my response was basically, to let them know that their reaction and judgement only served to stick a knife into THEIR situation and twist it, causing more struggle than was necessary for THEM!  That, they were handling their situation in their own way and seemed to be coping well enough… all they needed therefor was OUR LOVE to help them get through THEIR trial in the best and most meaningful way possible.
 
Dr Kanda who visited this week out of the blue, just when I needed a True Friend and Listening Ear most... Bless him!  He witnessed my deepest emotional pain (not the first time)… but this time, over hearing of the separation… and reacted with such gentleness and understanding.  What a gift of friendship he is to my life.
 
Life always sends a refuge in times of greatest need for which helps me to truly believe, that I am watched over from Above and LOVED.  I have friends in Heaven.
 
Monday 16th April ~ Friday 13th April, was one of those intense kinds of days...
 
My lovely oldest nearby granddaughter recently had a throat infection that took away her voice for two weeks, so on Friday she had to go in for a small procedure under anesthetic to look at her voice box. It seems that her throat has healed from the infection, but her voice box had forgotten how to work so now she would need to go for speech therapy to learn how to have a voice again… unbelievable… she could only whisper and we were told that it could take as much as six weeks for her voice to return… I felt so helpless and prayed so hard for her.
 
My daughter in law’s mom, also had a big op on the same day, and did very well afterwards under the circumstances… she even went home today for recovery. Her husband took such incredibly good care of her during her time of cancer treatment.  What an inspiration they both are.
 
And also on the same day, a young friend, Jess's, celebration of life funeral was held, which was so beautifully done. What stood out for me most was her beautifully united family and extended family… really very special to witness in this day and age where families seem so distant and distracted from each other. This family meet weekly, altogether with each other to sing and be together… they invited me once and it was such an enriching experience to see a house filled with singing, laughing, loving, happy family and friends. I will never forget and they will always be a huge example to me of how families should be.
 
My daughter visited my youngest son and I for lunch on Saturday and we went to her hours on Sunday for lunch, which was just what I really needed… so relaxing and “right”. 
 
Saturday, 21st April ~ My oldest son, visited me today... we had such a wonderful good few hours chat. I truly feel so honoured to be his mom... what a great spirit he truly has.  I have always… ALWAYS… believed in the goodness of his spirit. I am so grateful for all who have never stopped believing in the goodness and incredible potential of his spirit.  His visit was all the reassurance I needed that everything was going to be okay.  He is handling his own struggles with dignity and spiritual strength.
 
Monday, 23rd April ~ My youngest son started his terrible coughing again. He traveled on dust roads when he went fishing recently… I think that’s the problem. He coughs for days and days until his eyes are red and sore... his head splitting... but strangely, he doesn't cough much when he's sleeping at night. I get the feeling that after his lung operation, is it possible the dust gets stuck somewhere maybe in the 1/3 of lung he has left on one side. He doesn't cough up mucous... says his sinuses feel fine. His throat hurts, but we think from coughing so much and his lungs hurt. If he's sitting still, it's not as bad as if he's moving around or talking.  If we take him to the Drs, they dose him with antibiotics, etc... but sometimes he has to go on two bouts of antibiotics before it clears.  I wonder if he has asthma… ?  I’m thinking that’s what it is and will try treating him as if he was in future to see if that helps.  Our church leader and his wife donated a nebulizer which helped a lot..  I worry when my son gets this awful coughing thing, because it triggers memories of when he had his emergency lung operation at the age of 23... a very lonely and scary time for me.  My daughter tells me she was with me when he had his operation (a comforting revaluation)... I remember nothing much other than they said it would take 2 hours and 4 hours later I had still heard nothing... at the same time as he was in for his operation, by granddaughter (5th grandchild) was being born... talk about torn emotions when I received news of her birth while my son was still in the operating theatre.
 
Tuesday, 24th April ~ My beloved sister, Anne (sister of my 2nd husband), had a heart attack and ended up in ICU. I called all my friends to be with me in prayer for her. I love her so much. She has stood by me over all the years of my greatest struggles and has been the most faithful, loving friend I could ever have hoped for.  Thankfully, she recovered quickly and was soon able to go home.  What a relief.  I cannot even begin to imagine my life without her in it.  It’s hard enough that she lives on the other side of the world and now in her time of need, she is too far away for me to really be there for her… how I wish we lived closer to each other.
 
A MIRACLE... some really GOOD news I just had to share...
Yesterday I was cleaning out some drawers and found a SanDisk with a piece of paper in with it "27Nov16" I did not know if this thing would fit into my computer, so was delighted this morning when I found a slot and pushed it in and saw what was on it...
 
My computer crash happened at the start of June 2017... even my external hard disc was affected, so all I had left of my personal works were from before the crash, and whatever old things I could find on old flash discs and what my caring friends sent me when they heard about the crash.
 
On this little SanDisk I found all my works up till the end of November 2016... that means that in fact, all I had lost as a result of the crash, was only half a year’s work and I don't think I did much on the first half of 2017 that I hadn't saved from poetry sites that I posted my newer poems on, etc. The updating on my book was lost, but that's not the end of the world. Not finding (or being able to make) time to redo it IS!
 
46 lost poems recovered on that scandisk!!! And another really important gift of recovery was my typed-out diaries. I had started to type out old diaries/journals that I'd hand written along the way.  I have so many handwritten diaries taking up the entire top of my cupboard and two drawers. I needed to have that space back. So, decided to type out all the important history that I'd recorded in those journals and burn them afterwards. I'd already gone through a few and destroyed them, so finding that work on this SanDisk is truly a miracle gift from Life... I am so grateful!
 
WHAT A WONDERFUL BLESSING!
 
Thursday, 26th April ~ Presenting my new presentation called, “The Tribe and the Wounded Healer” went well at Unisa... some lack of confidence due to needing more preparation time, but otherwise everyone seemed to love the presentation and recommended one small change and the addition of another slide, so I was happy with their advice and made the changes.
 
My sweet granddaughter (third grandchild), still has no voice, but she can now, with speech therapy and with much effort, weakly squeak out a few words at a time… she’s getting there. What I am learning from her is how to bear one’s struggles with such dignity, even joy and resilience. She still attends her choir and drama classes and participates as if she still has a voice. She sings with her whisper and goes through all the motions of expression as if she is perfectly well… What a delight she is! Full of confident smiles and hugs and not feeling in the least bit sorry for herself. I still can’t get around the fact that laryngitis can cause such a thing as a person’s voice box to become paralysed… unbelievable! It could take weeks before she has her real voice back again, but in the meantime, she speaks in ways that are truly meaningful to my spirit and she’s only 9 years old.  Her other granny who was operated on, on the same day they looked at her voice box, is now declared cancer free… such joy!
 
Saturday, 28th April ~ wrote a blog post that I later deleted after much thought and realizing what part of my self had chosen the languaging for it… I deciding that it was not entirely appropriate, even though I have learned to honour the true voices of each part of my self, my adult self cannot allow anything on my blog that I feel might be hurt to others.
 
Sunday, 29th April ~ Marked first students Portfolio for this semester.  Soon my time will be completely taken up with marking the others, so I need to get as much done as I can before they all start arriving.
 
Monday, 30th April ~ Our church leader and his son came to mow the lawn for us, for which we were so grateful.  Since our neighbours moved out, we lost their kind help with mowing.  They were great neighbours and Daleen had become a true friend to me over the time she too went through her chemo therapy and is also cancer free today… thank Heavens.  I do miss her very much. 
 
Just before our neighbours left, our noisy little bird also stopped his incessant early morning and late afternoon joyful chirping.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss that little bird.  Some doves moved into his tree outside our yard and I think that maybe they chased him away.  That little bird used to wake us in the morning and I’d always be reminded to follow his lead… to thank my Father in Heaven for the new day and request blessings upon it.  Without the little bird’s noisy reminder, I find it harder to do now and realise it’s something I need to be more aware of doing… only now, on my own. 
 
Healthwise, I have been struggling with a lot of minor aches and pains as the weather has been getting colder.  My thumbs are sore and it’s sometimes hard to hold the dishes to wash them… or if I bump the knuckle of my thumbs it really hurts… so that’s a very scary thing for me, because I see how my younger sister has suffered and how she can no longer hold a paint brush with ease… I wonder if I will soon not be able to paint either… I haven’t painted for ages, because of time constraints.  I need to find time… MAKE TIME, before it’s too late!  At times now I sleep with a thumb brace on one or other of my thumbs… whichever is hurting most at the time, and I have to pull my blankets up at night without using my thumbs, because they hurt when I do use them.    
 
Also the scaly redness around my mouth has not gone away.  I went to another pharmacy, and they also recommended vitamin B co tablets. The stress of late must be the cause.  I can’t think of anything else… my diet hasn’t changed at all!  What I also found helpful on my lips, was using the juice of an Aloe Vera plant growing in my yard.  It’s yucky to put on, but dries quickly and is not so visible when it’s dry.
 
Tuesday, 1st May ~ Today is the memory of my brother Peter’s (Petros) birthday.  (also a dear friend I once had who I will never be able to forget) I believe that my brother has been with me in spirit, ever since he passed away, which is such a comfort to me daily.
 
My 2nd son came over the long weekend, to install the new work computer for the office... he did an incredible job of matching everything up and saving everything from the old computer to the new. He even took photos of where all my desktop and task bar icons were and put them back on in the right order for me, which was wonderfully good of him... I hardly feel the difference other than maybe a little eyestrain for now due to a different screen, so I guess my eyes just need time to adjust.
 
Wednesday, 2nd May ~ The memory of my brother’s Love-Day… he passed away in his sleep during the night 2005.  That broke our hearts, because after a two-week search, we’d not been able to find him to wish him Happy Birthday for the 1st… the day before.
 
Wonderful news
But today, I received the most wonderful news!  My granddaughter's precious voice came back. Just like that, it's back after 5 weeks without it! I was overjoyed to receive the news! Her mom said that it is like her brain just remembered how to talk when she woke up in the morning.  It was wonderful to hear her sweet little voice message this morning on WhatsApp… I got tears in my eyes as I listened to it over and over again!  I was feeling so grateful and so happy I could have POPPED!!!
 
My granddaughter now had her on-stage speech to prepare for in two days... she got her voice back just in time!  The night before her voice came back, her parents let her know that she wouldn't be able to do the talk without a voice... she cried, because she had really been looking forward to doing it... when she woke this morning her voice came back while she was doing her voice exercises... everyone was so surprised and over the moon with joy!
 
Thursday, 3rd May ~ The exhaust pipe fell off of my car as I drove into the driveway of a cement seller’s plot.  There was a small ditch and a metal bar buried into the driveway that must have bumped it off.  Thank Heaven’s I had our friend and helper Shem with me on the day.  He’s so assertive… called to someone to bring wire and told me where to park the car on a steep incline close by to make a space under it… then he proceeded to climb underneath and tie my exhaust back on again… he was covered in fine brown dirt by the time he was done!  I felt so grateful for how well he took charge of the situation.  What a blessing he is.  So at least I was able to drive home.  I was disappointed in the owner of the place though!  When I went to tell him what happened, he told me to ask someone outside for wire and sent me on my way.  I actually felt hurt and violated by his indifference and lack of care.  By the time I returned to the car, Shem was already under the car with a bundle of wire he’d organized!  What a good man!
 
When we returned home with the bags of cement and sand, Shem immediately went about digging and preparing my little vegetable patch to build a small inner wall to help keep water in the beds.  My back yard is almost perfect now… as soon as we can afford some more cement and sand, Shem will do the last bits of walling to finish off.  I can’t wait for that to be done and hope it will be done before spring planting.
 
Saturday, 5th May ~ One of my dear friends… (one of the Logotherapy students I’ve grown to love over the months), came to visit.  We have a lot in common and had such a lovely visit together.  She brought me gifts of love, and among them, a whole lot of gemstones and two gemstone books… what a treasure and joy to my soul!  I have loved gemstones since I was a little girl.  She even gave me a gemstone bracelet… so pretty.  I am totally delighted with it.  I felt very uplifted and refreshed by her visit.
 
During the afternoon (I left it too late), I prepared for the presentation I was going to give the next day to the lady whose book I used for the presentation.  Her important book is advertised in a picture insert with this post.  I have not had time to read the whole book yet, but just by the parts I used for my presentation, I believe that I an highly recommend her book and I look forward to reading it all as soon as I can find time.
 
Sunday, 6th May ~ Spent the whole day out.  I traveled with my colleague Dr Kanda, to present "The Tribe and The Wounded Healer" to Lorraine and her friend. I was really nervous in case she didn't like how I'd interpreted her work, but she did like it thank goodness and so did her visitor. It was good to have Dr Kanda there for backup. I won't do presentations without LogoBackup (although I did once and it went really well.)  I’m always willing to do what I can if there is a LogoSomeone with me to answer questions, etc.  I tend to shut down if people ask me questions, and then can’t even answer the most basic questions.  It’s so embarrassing.
 
We then went to visit out dear LogoColleague, Lesley who had been very ill with pneumonia. We had a delicious lunch there and such a special afternoon together warmed in front of her fire. 
 
By the time we arrived home, I was totally wiped out but feeling happy inside. It was so good to spend the day with friends and like-minded people. Very uplifting.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota​