Keeping my faith in the midst of my struggle

So, with my middle sister, Shev’s visit not turning out exactly the way I (my inner child me) had dreamed it would, before she arrived (longing to spend real time with her again… to laugh and play in a carefree way… and relaxing, fun three-sisters-together time… Shev was going to help me arrange my brand new hobby room… maybe even help me paint and decorate my new magical door to my hobby room… maybe even help me make a key out of my collection of keys which I have longed to have done ever since I moved here in 2012 and found something like 266 keys mysteriously packed in the boxes I’d brought with me… (I wrote all about that in one of my earlier blog posts… long story)
 
But, between the sense of loss accompanying my sister’s visit because my inner-child-dreaming never materialised into reality, and due to heavy financial strain once more, with my car packing in (R900)… my fridge packing in (R1250)… town house insurance for extra structures - carport and shed (R130.50)… Municipality bill (R2400)… I have not been in the best place emotionally. 
 
Getting back to work has kept me too busy to fall into any kind of noticeable depression, so I’m grateful for that.  My littlest sister was there for me while I had no car and Shev has written such loving letters whilst traveling home and since, so I do feel their love, so that’s not the problem right now… but the whole visit thing did definitely leave me in a strange place.  
 
When Shev left us and things almost instantly went back to “normal”, everything started to feel quite surreal to me… like… had she really been or had I dreamed it all…
 
Two weeks of hectic family craziness and outings (noise) and then suddenly, THE DEAFENING SILENCE again!  Just back to my usual place of isolation… and my world that lives inside my computer… the pictures of my loved ones on the wall behind my computer, reminding me of some kind of connection to reality. 
 
On Monday morning, my littlest sister treated my beloved sister in law, Irene and I to a Mug & Bean brunch, to celebrate my sister in law’s birthday… that was a really special sister time for me… I was feeling the love and needed to have some time of linking to Shev’s visit, even though she was no longer here.  We felt her absence as there were four chairs at our table and one was empty.
 
Just before Shev left South Africa, there were violent protests in our area, where drug lords’ houses where burnt down and even some of our innocent church members houses and possessions were totally destroyed, because they happened to live in the same area.  We could see the smoke billowing up in the distance where all this happened, and due to a heavy police presence on the roads, many roads were blocked.  Even our local supermarket was targeted for protests… something about DisChem… no idea.  I never read the newspapers or watch the news, because I struggle enough in the world without deliberately exposing myself to all the other scary stuff.  I cannot stand outings where people discuss politics or religion… makes me sick… literally… I’ve already experienced/witnessed so much pain and destruction through both! 
 
A beautiful sermon for my heart
On the subject of religion, my second son visited sometime during the week, and he discussed with me some deeply religious philosophy he has developed.  It was such an incredibly inspirational time I spent with him, and I actually felt some healing from the damage that my therapist and other religious fanatics of the past have caused me.  As a result of those fanatics, today I suffer from religious trauma syndrome, which on its own has created a whole new area of suffering and struggle in me, because I live on a different level of religiousness to the rest of the world now… I expect far more religious unity and authenticity from this world… and not all this ugly, hypocritical finger pointing and division that exists, even in families!  AAARGH!  I wish I had have taped all that my son shared with me… it meant so much to me and really touched my heart.  He is a lot like my first-born son who, when he speaks true religion from a genuine heart, and not from the indoctrinating and teachings of this world, he also brings tears of hope and joy to my eyes.   
 
Early on Wednesday the 31st, I recorded about Tuesday 30th
I went to post a study pack at PostNet yesterday morning and suffered so much anxiety in the process... I felt that I was on High Alert the whole time for something scary to happen!  Looking over my shoulder and even trying to work out what I'd do and where I would hide if the scary thing happened. (Battling with intrusive thoughts... people running and screaming, etc.)
 
The PostNet is in the same center where the DisChem protest attack was supposed to happen the week before... just after the drug dealers were attacked so close to our area... so my mind hasn't settled yet... still feeling as though my own safety and my families’ and friends’ safety is threatened...
 
I'm so weird! I sometimes wonder how I can live with myself... and today (31st) I have to go to that PostNet again with another student’s study pack and I need to go to the bank... Really NOT looking forward to leaving the safety of my home... AGORAPHOBIA IS NO JOKES!
 
Later in the day I recorded:
What a morning... so... I go and post the student's study pack at PostNet... no problems there. I see there's a new Standard Bank branch at the same mall, so I go there to transfer the R6000 for the work computer into my son's account, only to be told that I look nothing like the fat faced photo on the copy of the ID they have on their screen and so I would need to go to Home Affairs to get proof that it is me... that my new ID, even though it has the same details as the one on their screen, also doesn't look like me, so they can't verify it is me! Can you imagine!!!!  I’ve lost so much weight that I am now supposedly unrecognisable!
 
When I told my family on our WhatsApp group they all thought it was quite funny!  I understood and that helped me not to hurt too much over what had happened.   
 
But what people find hard to understand, is that even leaving my home is stressful to me, so the negative bank incident triggered the disturbing memory of the time when I tried to open an account at Capitec Bank some time ago, and the woman processing my application told me some rubbish about my ID being stopped, because it was stolen so I could not proceed!  It didn't matter that I had it in my hand... it took over a year to get it sorted out at Home Affairs, going backwards and forwards regularly only to keep being let down before they finally gave me the new ID (with the new skinny-photo)!!!
 
What hurt me terribly with all that went on at Home Affairs, was that they refused to give me the new card that all the other SA citizens were getting, because I was born outside of the country.  I had been a Nationalised South African Citizen for around 30 years already, but now they were separating me from everyone else who was born in the country, even two of my children who were born in South Africa… it made no sense to me and made me feel so threatened and alone in this world once more.
 
I will NEVER go to Capitec again… also, because after that one visit and partial processing on their system, I was suddenly getting all sorts of Junk e-mail from them... and now this situation at the Standard Bank… it made me feel so uncomfortable… even threatened and in danger once more…
 
For me… the world is not a safe place to live in… I will never find real peace here…
 
The Standard Bank lady wouldn't tell me what copy of my ID they had on their system, but I managed to get a quick enough glance... came home and found it as well as old signed and stamped affidavits from the time to say that that copy was indeed my ID!
 
So, now I'm feeling quite unsettled, so I go to DisChem to buy myself a Caring Candies sugar free chocolate... just had to have one (old bad habit of needing to fill my tummy when I’m upset)... I give the lady R100 and she drastically short changes me! I tell her I gave her R100, she insists I only gave her R50... so I insist even more and she finally goes to some manager who has to check the videos for proof... she returns, apologies, gives me the right change and then I go home, gobbling down the chocolate and wishing I had six more!!!
 
By the time I left the shopping centre I was on the verge of tears and feeling quite messed up!
 
Thank goodness, my work is quiet at the moment... but I still have so much to do... this time-wasting and energy draining nonsense was just too much!  I was left filled with anxiety!
 
As the afternoon progressed my tummy began to ache… it ached so sore I was groaning and buckled over most of the time and needed to visit the bathroom a few times with an upset tummy… The same thing used to happen in my past after I had had panic attacks, so I knew that the mornings stressors had caused it.  I actually felt really ill all afternoon and very wiped-out!  Having my grandchildren for aftercare during the afternoon, helped me to keep it together… I was mostly able to hide my discomfort from them.
 
Thursday 1st February
On Thursday (yesterday), I went to the Standard bank with the old ID as well as my new one, and the affidavit to prove the old fat-faced ID was mine, and to sort out the Transfer from my work funds to my son’s account, because he had managed to find and order a computer on special at the right price for my office. I had absolutely no problem doing my banking and they even updated my ID while I was there…
 
BUT… it seems that nothing never goes smoothly in my life… while at the bank, the lights kept switching on and off… and that scared me… I wondered why… what was REALLY happening?  My already disturbed mine from recent events began cooking up some scary scenarios. 
 
When the lady took my ID to scan it, she took a long time… again… my mind went on a scary trip of its own… NOT MUCH TRUST IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE… what is she REALLY doing… why is it taking her so long…
 
I was supposed to go to Spec-Savers optometrists to book an urgent and long overdue appointment for my eyes, but totally forgot… I just wanted to get out of the place as quickly as possible once I’d sorted out all my banking stuff!  I always seem to put my own needs last to my detriment!  I should have had new glasses a long time ago already... really struggling with my sight! 
 
All afternoon I felt so ill… my tummy still messed up due to all the anxiety… pain in my upper right abdomen… I’ve been told it is IBS… must be if anxiety has brought it on again… I haven’t had that pain in quite a long time… and… I’m also so, SO tired all the time!
 
With a deep sense of insecurity troubling me at this time, I found myself ‘cooking for the nation’ again yesterday afternoon.  Like I can’t settle down to do anything else… I must cook… I must cook as much as I can… make sure we have enough for the month… stretch whatever I can… make it go as far as possible… freeze it all so it’s all ready when we need it… we must not starve…
 
For Andrew, I cooked up a small pack of boerewors with vegetables from my garden and freezer and a packet of Beef and onion soup… that should make at least 6 meals, some of which will be frozen along with a few others previously made in our freezer and some already frozen leftovers my little sister kindly gave me while Shev was visiting this side of the world.  For myself I semi-prepared a pile of high-fibre vegies that were going at a special price, to make what I call ‘roughage bombs’ that help my tummy to function better. 
 
If anyone needs more high fibre in their diet and don’t mind putting the laborious preparation and cooking work in, you can let me know and I will send my recipe. 
 
I literally exhausted myself with all the cooking and food preparation and trying to keep the kitchen clean at the same time.
 
Friday 2nd February
A very strange day… feeling very detached and tired still from the anxiety of late… lots of interruptions, so I couldn’t really get into my work and thankfully it was another reasonably quiet day at work.  My neighbour visited and my daughter, so those were pleasant distractions.  I also continued with the whole ‘cooking for the nation’ thing… washing all the high-roughage vegetables I’d semi-prepared the night before, one leaf at a time to get the mud off and then cooking them all… then packing into little packs so that one small roughage bomb could be included with my meals every two days or so. 
 
Keeping my faith
One thing I can say though, even with this nagging sense of insecurity in me, is that no matter how much I fear how little money we have left for this month… probably not enough to see us through to the middle of the month… WE HAVE NEVER STARVED… somehow the miracles always come and we get through, no matter what.  So, I just need to keep reminding myself that everything will indeed be alright.  I might not be able to buy myself another chocolate this month, but at least we won’t starve. 
 
Thank you for sharing…
 
~ Panayiota