LOCKDOWN DIARY - Day 20 ~ Emotional strike!

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/02/trauma-dissociation/

Warming:  If you're struggling to stay on top of your own situation, please don't read this... keep it for a stronger day.  I always get back up again... but right now I'm struggling and sharing, because sharing my struggles and how I eventually rise above them is what my blog is about.  Thank you.

April15
Mostly a beautiful clear sky and sunny, cool day. Used up old bananas and baked a Banana-oat-nut cake for my son with some lemon curd covering the top. I made the lemon curd yesterday.  Once the cake had cooled, I divided it into small portions to go into the deep freeze for my son to help himself to when he just needs a quick snack.
 
It took all day, but I finally caught up on my blogging... OH JOY! And spent the rest of the day just relaxing on Facebook… ESCAPING whilst at the same time grasping for a sense of connection with my friends there…
 
Been asking my son for about three days now to help, by sweeping our small kitchen floor and then mop it. Seriously not a big job at all. I’m still waiting... but... he did pick up the broom sometime earlier today with good intentions, and saw that the head was wobbling and loose... disappeared to Jabba the Hutt (our shed he named when we first arrived here in 2012) ... and he fixed the broom. Anyone who knows my youngest son, knows that, that is one of those really special moments in time, for him to think and do something like that without someone asking and prompting him to do it. I was so impressed and grateful to have our broom fixed... (but that must have been too much like hard work for him, because that’s as far as he got before falling back into the lounge chair to play his cellphone games again) … So, I’m still waiting for him to do the sweeping and mopping job I asked him to do for three days now! Hopefully it will get done before this day is out, or TV will be switched off at 5pm... HUMPH!
 
I refuse to do everything while he sits playing his games in-front of the TV... I'm nobody's doormat, not even my son's!  Somewhere inside of me there is hurting-anger… but for me, anger always turns to feelings of dejection… of being rejected and ignored… it take me deeply back into that far-distant and dark place where the childhood “invisibility spell” was first cast over my life… it’s a very lonely and isolated place to find myself in… a wilderness place that lies beyond connection and oxygen…

The only problem is, that I trap the anger… I am very rarely able to express it.  Instead, I become silent and withdrawn… my mind goes into an emotional strike phase… I detach and disappear into myself… down that old-familiar swirling rabbit hole, yet again… to my safe place.  A place where “they” can’t hurt me anymore! 
 
I finished my day’s journaling with…
I need to go clean the kitchen now and then tomorrow, I hope to be able to do a BIG general clean up, especially in my office/bedroom so that I can prepare myself for once and for all, getting my book finished! Let's hope I can get it FINISHED, GOOD AND PROPER this time around! Been working on it... on and off... for about 12 years now! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
 
Recorded later, before bed time…
P.s. The TV got switched off at 5pm... and now it will stay off until the tiny kitchen floor is mopped. He did manage to sweep it though.
 
There's no nagging... he knows that up to the point of no return, I will keep asking patiently... then finally issue a calm ultimatum... then follow through quietly and stick to it... it is what it is. I do become very quiet when it reaches this point though... completely withdraw and just get on with my own life... somehow feeling completely separated from him… a safe place that prevents me from EXPLODING!  My mother used to EXPLODE VIOLENTLY!  I fear the awful and unpredictable rage she demonstrated so often… I fear becoming like her… so I choose rather to shut down completely…
 
ON EMOTIONAL STRIKE! (NUMB) But doing okay otherwise…
 
Thank you for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota