LOCKDOWN DIARY ~ Day 21

​April 16
Still on Emotional Strike… on one level, it helped me, and on another, it’s made my day very long and dreary.
 
Because I’ve remained detached from my son, as if he didn’t even exist, his sitting-game-playing presence has not bothered me at all today.  I have shut off any expectations from him, and so he can’t hurt me while I’m here in this distant place. 
 
The television has been off since yesterday at 5pm and he seems quite happy with it.  He’s so lost in his games, nothing else matters to him at all. 
 
It’s me whose suffering, because I was not able to go and enjoy a bit of TV escape during my breakfast and lunch breaks… and I won’t be able to watch tonight. 
 
I imagine that those of you who sympathize with my son are delighted to hear that… it’s okay… not everyone will understand or see our full picture.
 
When he was younger and I managed to get him into a college for the mentally disabled.  A college where they worked with the students to find out what each one’s true and unique potential was and helped them to prepare for living in the real world.  They worked with me also and taught me how to help him best, and one of the instructions, was to get him off of his games every 2 hours to do something else… just something small.  They even instructed me to switch off the electricity each time to help him to disconnect from his games.  It worked extremely well, until he got older and I just couldn’t bring myself to do that anymore. 
 
Now when we start the day, I will tell him what needs to be done for the day… dividing what I will do and giving him one or two other reasonably quick jobs, just so that he can have some responsibility, but also so that I can feel at least a little supported.  I give him jobs like packing away the clean dishes and hanging washing that I’ve done… or to sweep and wash the kitchen floor which was what I asked him three days ago… but still waiting… and now…
 
I’m standing my ground! 
 
He’s 33 years old… FLIP! ENOUGH ALREADY!  We get on so much better when he’s working.  Routine works best for us!  I pray he will find a job soon, once this lockdown is over with.  It’s going to be bad enough that we will be short his salary over this time because the business he was working for closed down in time for the lockdown, so he’s out of work now and not just on lockdown!
 
Being so detached from my hurting emotional state today, I actually got more done this morning than usual.  Showered early and combed my hair… a really good start to the day… watered my seedlings… did a load of washing and hung that, then washed the dishes. 
 
My son sat with his usual pile of dirty dishes on the table in front of him… He can get up over and over during the day, and never think to take his used dishes with him to the kitchen… I usually just pick them up eventually for the sake of peace… I DIDN’T PICK THEM UP TODAY! 
 
After I’d washed the dishes that were in the kitchen, I let him know that he could wash the dishes on the table in front of him… and surprisingly, he did… and at the same time, made himself some lunch and even offered me some tea, but I’d already made mine, so, “No thank you” and he was gone again. 
 
It’s been such a long-long day of separation… I find myself sighing a lot… I remember being told in therapy, that sighing was a sign of depression… but there’s no tears… just emptiness…
 
I’ve kept my mind busy by researching my current state to expand for this blog post, because I aim to teach with my sharing… so I was going over dissociation… collecting some info.  It’s helped to keep me grounded.  If I didn’t keep busy, I would have gone to my bed and stayed there… I KNEW I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT!!!  My healing work, is to fight my own weaknesses… work to understand what I’m going through and how I’m reacting to it… face it… face me… and do something about it… so keeping busy for today was the best I could do…
 
My middle son and daughter in law very kindly bought me 10 slabs of sugar-free chocolate on the 26th March, to tide me over during the lockdown (I’m still feeling their LOVE)… I have been enjoying one slab over three days up until today when I flattened slab 8 all in one day!  I’m disgusted with myself… trying to fill the emptiness in my soul by self-gratifying-STUFFING… that’s NOT good!  That’s the OLD SELF-DESTRUCTIVE EATING HABIT that I cannot allow to creep back in!  I now only have two slabs left… I will have to be more careful!  Life is going to feel very miserable once my yummy chocolate stash is finished! 
 
My nearby sister video called today so that I could chat with my dad.  Of course, he can’t hear a word, but we just laughed and smiled at each other and blew kisses.  It was so special.  My sister and I were chatting all the time also which was wonderful…… LOVE & OXYGEN.

While we were chatting, I managed to catch two screenshots of my dad… I’ve posted my favourite here.  I love the naughty twinkle in his eyes… makes me so happy to see him happy! 
 
FACEBOOK
Last night, I added an update on Facebook… but due to having had such a negative day, I decided not to write about it there, because although I do share openly up to a point with my Facebook friends, there comes a point where I realise it’s becoming too  negative and, with a sense of responsibility towards them, because most have followed me for many years, I often choose to stop sharing my downers, until I am strong enough to come back with some uppers… something positive and inspiring.  I try to get back to that place as quickly as I can, because I feel that I have a duty towards my Facebook friends to do so.  It they are taking so much time each day to be with me in my world, through the computer…  many of them who I have never even met yet, then… it’s up to me to be a blessing to them, instead of bringing too much of my problems to them.
 
I don’t cherish them there to “FEED” my weaknesses… I cherish them there to “INSPIRE” my strengths, and I hope to do the same for them… because, I am so very GRATEFUL for them all and for their LOVE that sees me through man a difficult day that they most often don’t even know the difficulty-extent of ❤️
 
So, last night, knowing that I had nothing positive to give, I wrote on my Facebook page:
 
LOCKDOWN ~ Day 21
A long day...
Goodnight beautiful world ❤️
 
My friend’s responses on Lockdown day 21, and some responses from Lockdown day 22, when I had seen and responded to what they had written before posting this.
 
Veronica
I was settling in for a long story 😂❤️
Panayiota
Doing this from my phone, so I hope it works. You're too sweet... when my posts are leaning on the side of negativity, I prefer to wait for a better time to share... on the other side of the negative... that way I can rather inspire with how I got through it all ... Says me smiling sweetly 🤗
 
June
Missing you today Pani....HUGS...
Panayiota
I'll be back... I love you dearest Junebug 💖🤗
June
❤️❤️❤️❤️
June 
Yay you are back....love you dear Pani...❤️
Panayiota
I love you too dear Junebug... I told you I'd be back ❤️
 
Carol
Thinking of you my precious friend... Have a peaceful sleep... Love you lots ❤️🤗
Panayiota 
I slept well sweet friend ❤️ Love you ❤️
Carlo
Happy to hear that my friend... Thank you ❤️❤️
 
Heather
Oh, my goodness. This world has gone to pot.
Panayiota
All good my side Heather... I have my moments and don't like it at the bottom, so always work my way back up again. This morning has started beautifully... very quiet... even the birds are quiet... but, there's light shining through my curtains and a beautiful day lies ahead... I've made up my mind... Lots of love coming your way ❤️❤️❤️
Heather
The coronavirus does not scare me Pan. Nasty people do. I cannot stand tit for tat people.
Panayiota
Indeed, yes, we don't need any more negativity or ugliness added to what already is dear Heather... it's up to each of us to do our best, and let karma take care of the rest ❤️
 
Henri
Keep safe and have a peaceful weekend from twin brother Henri xx
Panayiota
You too my twin brother Henri... Love you ❤️ Shabbat Shalom ❤️
(Henri is my beloved friend from way back when.  He has known me longer than any other friend, except for my little sister who is 11 months younger than me.  Henry remembers going to junior school with me… he remembered me… and it turns out that our birthdays are on the same day and we’re the same age… hence why we call each other twin brother and twin sister.  He found me when I was searching for friends from my past during my therapy journey, and the fact that he remembered me, meant more to me than words can every say, because I remembered very little of my past as a result of the child abuse I went through.  I love Henri, as if he were my true brother ❤️ I vow to meet him as soon as possible after this lockdown has ended!  Neither of us are allowed to die before we have met again… before I have hugged him and thanked him for remembering me. If you knew what it means for someone like myself to suffer from “the invisibility spell”… you’d understand what a gift it is and how much it could possibly mean, to know that I was remembered by my dear friend, Henri.)
 
To end this post
I never did get that big job done in my room today… I was so STUCK in front of my computer escaping.  I’m so glad it’s nearly bed time… it’s the only other thing I can do today… maybe I will read.  I don’t usually read at night, but it’s still early.  My son is STILL sitting in the lounge playing his games on his cell phone… or watching videos on it that he enjoys… the TV is still off… I will miss watching my evening shows with him… HUMPH! 

Some links I picked up on yesterday which you might find inspiring and/or helpful at this time.
https://oneworldindialogue.com/online-aliveness/
 
(Logotherapist – Trevor)
https://tswconsulting.co.za/trusttheprocess/?fbclid=IwAR02-NvMsuTEm_sUiwypqVlDqk_OxHR3udinVAWMhNRVDnDyTtv9V1rRjjY
I will definitely be going through all of the lessons Trevor has so generously shared.  I feel blessed for having found this.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Ba4CVLNYI
(such an inspiration this dear old man’s wonderful efforts on behalf of NHS brought tears to my eyes)
 
(Student of Logotherapy – Gideon) 
https://www.facebook.com/Gideonslight/videos/223137712107879/
I enjoyed this video very much!  Thanks to Gideon for his time and beautiful wisdom.
 
Have a great day everyone and thanks for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s.  Only good things to report for Lockdown day 22……. Story still to come 😉