Making the “Right Choice” for me! ~ Taking a stand against the abuse!

~ Written 8th February 2017 ~
 
For days, I was not coping emotionally… my mind was in a turmoil over the thought of attending my ex’s memorial service.  My inner-child, “Patty” was very much on the surface… fear predominating… as if I felt as though I was going to be walking into “DANGER”!
 
Patty’s fear was very much on the surface throughout that nightmarish marriage of constant emotional, etc. abuse which kept her DOWN there… always hypervigilant… afraid… tearful… hopeless… loveless… alone… very… very alone… etc. 
 
So, he died last month on the 25th January and the memorial service was planned for 10th February… it’s been an agonizing wait thus far!  I have struggled to sleep, felt anxious and fearful practically every minute of it...
 
Still giving so much power away to my abuser/s! 
 
Last night, after hearing that my oldest son had been admitted to hospital during the day with depression, the chaos in my mind became overwhelming… I’ll share more if I write about this again, but this is not the time. 
 
I briefly shared the chaos with my FB friends and they were amazing in sending the comfort I needed.  I had written to them… my soul crying out… screaming out!!!:
 
My oldest son was admitted to hospital today for deep depression! WHY? The memorial service for his stepfather abuser is on Friday! I know that my emotions are in chaos... I want to say so much right now...
 
NO COMMENTS PLEASE... For now, the rest of us still intend on attending the service... WHY?
 
CONFUSED!!!
 
I also wrote to my mentor, literally begging for her wisdom... an exhausting turmoil going on in my mind which at the time felt like it was on fire… She wrote back this morning and I hope that maybe I can share her incredible letter with you all in a blog post later on… I can’t decide on that right now… not before the memorial service is over and done with!   
 
Being a very experienced Logotherapist, she stated emphatically in response to my desperate letter, that I should not be going to the memorial service… that it was NOT the right thing to do, or the right thing for me personally.
 
As a result, I could then see that sometimes what we think is “doing the right thing” is in fact not right and could even be more harmful than good.  That my “people pleasing” problem and need to “fix” things side, is what has been keeping me submissive and hooked into the abuses of my past and still controlled by those abusers whose power over me is sometimes still very much in play...
 
So, I am now “taking a stand for myself and my healing”... to say my own emphatic “NO!” to the abuses of my past... and that the horrors that were inflicted by the abuser/s was NOT OK and NEVER will be!  That I can and have the right to stand up against that WRONG and at last make a real stand to walk away from it, instead of trying to console it… to soothe it over as if it was ok... (in the process, demeaning my own rights and emotional needs… as if “I” still don’t matter!)
 
IT WAS NOT OK DAMMIT! 
 
End of story.
 
My children still need to make up their own minds about attending the Memorial service and I want them to be absolutely free to do that.
 
I have exercised my freedom not to go and I feel a huge weight lifted, but my children are old enough to make their own decisions and I trust that they will make the right one for themselves.