“MIND VACUUM” AS A RESULT OF EXTREME STRESS / ANXIETY

~ Posted 31st October 2015 ~ (AM)
 
This week has been so busy and so stressful with one thing and another with emotional highs and lows to go with it.  On Thursday I attended the Logotherapy Advanced course workshop at the university.  What a beautiful day it was for me... although I did experience a lot of anxiety over my broken front tooth...I could not fully be myself worrying that everyone could see it... and smiling funny to try and keep it covered!  (No... I still haven’t called the dentist... far too scared and not enough money to pay for a new cap!) I felt so embarrassed though, I knew I would have to go to a dentist soon, before the next student workshops, because I couldn’t let the new students see me like this... I’ve got little enough socialising confidence without having to look weird too!  
 
At teatime during the workshop, we surprised one of our beloved trainers with a birthday party and it was just a beautiful day all in all.  This trainer was my trainer during the last phases of my own studies and I know for sure, I would not have made it without his gentle, all-accepting, loving nature.  We travel together to and from the university on workshop days and have such deep and meaningful conversations in the car.  I always go home feeling rejuvenated on a spiritual level, but exhausted as a result of all the socialising and on an extreme emotional high at the same time due to the intensity of our discussions both with the students and trainers and the traveling conversations.  As a result, I went to bed far too late and woke only 6 ½ hours later which is always a problem for me!
 
So... as tired as I was yesterday (Friday), I knew that I had to take the opportunity in the morning to go buy and order supplies for the upcoming student workshops in November.  As I have mentioned before, I struggle with agoraphobia, so leaving my house is not an easy thing for me to do at all.  I build up quite a good dose of anxiety before I even get to the gate, and often change my mind in the end and stay at home instead!  But this time my son was at home on a half-day so it was a good opportunity to have him with me for an added dose of courage whilst shopping, although, at the last minute, I decided to let him stay at home so he could have a good rest before work.  I felt that as long as he helped me out of the gate I’d be ok and he’d still be home when I arrived home... I could do it.
 
Driving to the printing and stationary supplies shop, I felt a little anxious, but still not too bad... managed to park in a busy parking lot and went into the stationary shop. 
 
A lady approached me to help and I gave her copy of my list of items for the printing / binding order and other purchases.  She somehow lost her copy and wanted to know what else she needed to get for me... well, that’s when the anxiety started to hit me... I found myself looking at my list, and it was as if I could not see or remember what I’d written on it... Mind vacuum was happening and with that realisation, I immediately started to feel real stupid... unconfident... “Mother’s dithering idiot” again!  I started making excuses... “I don’t have the right glasses on”... tried to make light of it... “I’m nearly 60 years old”... the lady laughed and we finally go through the list. 
 
Filling in the printing order form, the lady asked for my phone number and immediately I could not remember... the part number I started to give her, I thought was from an old phone I once had!  Again... Mind vacuum due to anxiety!  So embarrassing!  I felt very small and very alone... wished Andrew or someone was there with me.  After what seemed like eternity and with me struggling through my mind and phone, and asking her like an idiot... “How can a person find their own number on their own phone?”... almost ready to call Andrew to ask him what my number was... I finally remembered! 
 
Once all was done, the lady came around the counter to help me carry all the purchased items to the car... the Mind vacuum was so bad by then, that by the time I reached the door, my mind was in such a panic state with this lady carrying the heavy box of paper walking alongside me.  With my mind racing, my panicking thoughts were...
 
“How did I get here... car... what does my car look like... what colour... blue... was blue my old car... (I looked for blue)... yes, there’s my car thank Heavens...”
 
(I get to the car and discover I’ve taken out my house keys before leaving the shop instead of my car keys... so now she’s standing there with the heavy box, while with my hands filled with my purchases, I’m frantically fumbling through my  overcrowded handbag for the correct keys)... AARGH!!!
 
This all happened in a matter of seconds, but I felt very shook up afterwards... very insecure about “me”... my abilities to leave my home... with my confidence now even more shattered... my self-perception further deteriorated!
 
Sometimes it sucks to be me!
 

• “Mind vacuum” is my own description of what happens to me when I’m feeling very anxious.  If it is not a form of dissociation happening, which I am sure it is, then perhaps there is another name for it and I would love someone to tell me what it could be so that I can look it up and try to make sense of it and maybe find a way to help myself and others when it happens.  If you can help, please could you write to me on my blog contacts page?  Thank you.

 

• Do you struggle with this problem also?  Please write and let me know.

 
(To be continued)
 
~ Pana