Part 10 - Unstoppable Woman of Integrity

~ Written, Monday, 31st July 2017 ~ Continued from last post...

During the weekend, due to the stress of reliving the last month by reading over and adding to all the journaling I’d done and preparing it to post on my blog, I experienced a few episodes of heart pain again… adrenaline overflow induced heart pain which I explained before in another post.  It wasn’t bad, but can be a little scary when it happens.  Anyway, I got through all the posting of the first 9 parts of updating the last few weeks turmoil and how I have managed to get through it all… sometimes I wonder how I do!
 
I had a good night’s sleep, but have woken with a sore inside of my cheek on the left side… must have been clenching my teeth again!  Owee! 
 
I told my friends on Facebook that I’d written a 9-PART update on my blog adding… it's done now...

“it's all out of me now and I feel so much better that it is.  It's a lot of reading for anyone who dares and actually has the time...”
 
I have surrounded myself with a very supportive group of friends on FB, and quite a few do take the time to read my long-winded blog posts, for which I will always be grateful to them… they are lovely friends whose love and understanding care for me, I truly cherish and am greatly strengthened by.
 
Not all, but a lot of the friends who I have surrounded myself with on Facebook are friends who identify with my struggles, and I with theirs… so my sharing there often resonates with my friends and on a recent FB entry, some of my dear friends responded:
 

• I relate to SO much that you write... It's amazing...
• You touch so many lives including mine my friend... Thank you
• You are awesome lady. Your honesty always helps my world when I tune out people and things.
  
• My goodness you are brave, you've inspired me to step out of my comfort zone!
• Understand completely. Thank you for sharing.

 
This morning, one friend wrote:

“You have come a long way these past few years Panni~Petal. Now you know you are an achiever there is no stopping you girl. Hugs”
 
and I responded:  “Bless you dear friend and thank you... I always said that I wanted "Woman of Integrity" on my gravestone (which I realise of course I have to live up to 100% before that could happen)... maybe they can add... "UNSTOPPABLE!"… "Unstoppable Woman of Integrity!"... Stopping gets so close sometimes, but I just keep going... even surprise myself sometimes after getting through something that's so emotionally agnoising and seemingly unbearable that I'm sure I can't do this life anymore! Shew... and life goes on... it has to... it must... I still have work to do!”…
 
and then, the conversation went on a little…
 
Friend: “Yes. We just move forward with the angels cheering us on! Hugs”
 
Me: “I know my brother and Greek mother are with me "cheering me on" from the other side, and I like to believe that there's a host of others also cheering me on.  It does me good to believe that, and I really do... we are never alone and we are always... ALWAYS LOVED ♥ ♥ ♥”
 
Friend: “That is what we need to remember in our dark scary moments “we are never alone””
 
It’s conversations like this with my friends, that helps me to keep perspective on my life and strengthens my resolve to keep climbing my mountain of hope and life ♥ I am grateful for my FB friends.
 
As much as I love my true name… Panayiota… I also love that some of my friends call me Panni-Petal and other endearing names that they refer to me by… it’s rather sweet.  The name Panni-Petal started with one very special friend… Ronette… but she’s taken herself off of Facebook now.  She was another friend who struggled greatly with her life, much like I do… we identified with each other in so many ways and became very close as a result… I will always consider her one of my dearest friends… one I could always turn to in times of trouble and I believe that it was the same for her.  I do miss her now that she’s gone off of FB, but I know we will meet again someday in Heaven and there we will be able to catch up and continue our journey of friendship together.
 
1st August 2017
Last night, I heard news of my hard drive… my closing words for the day on my FB page…
 
Just got the news... Nothing is recoverable on my hard drive... felt like a kick in my chest... Instant heart pain... I will take something to sleep tonight and just get on with the student’s portfolio tomorrow... there's nothing more to say... The whole hard drive saga is over. Everyone did their best to help me... end of story... goodnight...
 
When I went to bed, sleep did not come easy even though I’d taken ½ a sleeping pill earlier.  I had to keep getting up with an upset tummy… I gather that the shock of hearing the news of the hard drive got to me… the same thing happened often in the past when I used to have panic attacks.  I felt terrible, until the panic-tummy as I call it, had finally flushed empty!  Around 11pm I finally fell asleep.
 
This morning I have woken up with depression… the cloudy skies outside reflect my mood…

SAD… SAD TO THE CORE…
 
In conversation with my dear logo-sister, Dana, via WhatsApp, I wrote: 
 
Just like all my life I dreamed of writing my book, I also dreamed of writing A Poetic Journal of my Life… That dream now feels like it has been stolen from me… You can’t steal a person’s dreams… but for now, it seems as though life has succeeded… I pray my poems are still recorded in Heaven…
 
Here voice recorded response was very comforting.  She encouraged me to get together all the poems I still have left and that I can still find and recover from various poetry sites, my blog, etc. and we could then see what could still be done.
 
She gave me a spark of hope again…
 
I just couldn’t stop crying all morning, but as the sun keeps peeping through the clouds today and shining on me through my window, so I have been feeling somewhat better.
 
Straight after hearing about my hard drive last night, I got news that my lovely far-away daughter in law is back in hospital with her heart problem… God bless her... how I wish I lived closer to them all so I could be there more for them.
 
It’s times like this where one weights up their values against the relentless poundings of their emotions…
 
All I can think of now, every time the sadness of this last month tries to suffocate me further, is to think of all the love that has come to me… so many people tried to help me with my computer… REALLY… REALLY TRIED… they wanted to help me… they rallied around me… they made sacrifices of their time for me… they showed me the love I enjoy far more than records of my poetry could ever bring to me… so… even if they completely messed up all hopes of saving what was on that hard drive, by possibly messing with it too much initially… they were still there for me… their love shone a light into the darkness of my situation… especially the love of my children and daughter in laws… and those precious grandchildren of mine… my sisters and my Facebook friends… and the love of the people at the computer shop and the forensic specialist who I believe did all that they possibly could…
 
Yes… I am hurting so much at the thought of the loss of so many of my poems (a cherished part of my soul-soul work)… and who knows what else… I can’t do any recovery work of my own until I have time again… so I don’t know exactly what else is missing and what else I still have…
 
Hopefully this coming weekend I will have time to look for more bits and pieces to put together again…
 
Yesterday I was kept busy counselling people all day in-between work commitments… today I cannot concentrate on much, and still have a student’s portfolio to finish marking.  I will try this afternoon because I feel I’m surfacing more now and should be able to work on it then. 
 
I started this post with the title… UNSTOPPABLE WOMAN OF INTEGRITY! … I will continue to do my best to make it so!!!
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota