PART 11 ~ A Visit to the Dentist… Touched by an Angel… Dear Mrs Poppy Peanut…

~ Posted Sunday, 6th August 2017 ~ continued from last post…
 
I guess, I will be doing Part posts still, until I finally have my own computer back again and feel as though I’m back on track, because much of what I am still experiencing feels exasperated by the hard drive crash of June 25th as a result of the huge losses involved there and the desperate need to just catch up, while time seems shorter than ever! 
 
Wednesday, 2nd August
During the last weekend of July, I deleted practically all my Internet subscriptions and stopped all notices in my attempt to avoid viruses getting onto my computer again.  I feel quite neurotic about it after recent events and hope to be able to afford the best virus and malware fighters as soon as I have my computer back.
 
The weird thing is that up till now, the last thing on earth I wanted to ever see again was my own computer.  I felt an absolute aversion towards it with the trauma I experienced after the crash!  I certainly don't want the same hard drive in it... it's almost as if I feel abused by that infected hard drive and nobody can convince me that it will be clean and safe again!  Trying to piece things together at work feels so overwhelming to me still, and worrying about my own stuff that I also need to piece together is definitely still dragging me down and that just makes things even harder to face and deal with.
 
Thursday, 3rd August ~ Touched by an angel…
This morning I woke with a gout threat again… both my feet, my left hip and my hands, all hurting.  My right foot in particular was very sore!  Not an acute attack… just a threat (like arthritis pain)… bad enough to make me quite uncomfortable! 
 
So, even with the gout, I decided I still really wanted to attend my fourth granddaughter’s awards assembly at her school.  I was silly though… when my son came to pick me up, I went with only one of my crutches, thinking I’d manage, but I ended up really struggling, especially as there were stairs to climb to get into the hall.
 
I noticed a cleaner at the top of the stairs with her broom in hand.  A fat motherly looking woman.  I smiled at her as she watched me battling to climb.  Near the top, she surprised me by reaching out her hand to me, saying, “I will pray for you”… there were people all around, but in that  moment, I felt embraced by the love of another human being… a stranger who in an instant became as though she were a loving mother to me.  She said a short prayer whilst tightly holding my hand… I knew it was from her heart, and when she was done, we embraced and before I knew it, she was gone.  I was left feeling as though I’d been touched by an angel.  What a beautiful moment in time which I am sure I will always cherish in my memory.
 
Assembly was so enjoyable.  The parents and grandparents sat on chairs at the back of the hall while the children all from grade 1 to standard 3 sat on the floor in front of us.  We observed them marching into the hall row by row, holding onto each other’s shoulders with arms outstretched to ensure proper spacing when they sat, and it was so sweet to hear them responding to the headmaster’s, “Good morning”.
 
What always happens when I attend school functions like this, is that I have a moment of deep emotion… a flashback from my past… a sense of fear and sadness all wrapped up in one.  I’m sure there was many a morning after the abuse of the night before, that I was not happy to be at school… maybe feeling distant or out of place… I don’t know, but the feelings definitely return when I’m around a lot of school children in the hall with teachers, etc.  I reasoned with my emotions and was able to push the rising tears away and enjoy the rest of the assembly.  I enjoyed it thoroughly and was happy to realise just how special this actual school is for the children… I was very impressed by all that was shared and how the children were addressed.  The theme that was particularly put across to the children was on the subject of bullying… I felt it was beautifully handled and would surely make a difference in the hearts of the children there.
 
After assembly, when I was back home, I invited a gardener to come help me with a job.  I honestly thought the job would take two days, but this man is an incredibly strong and fast worker… in two hours, he had removed two young trees… as tall as me if not taller, from my garden… packed the roots of the tree tomato into a bag with soil for a friend to take and moved the lemon tree to the hole where the tree tomato was.  He cleaned up all the sticks and mess into a neat pile and left my little garden looking clean and so much less cluttered than before with both trees.  Once he had done what I’d asked him to do, I paid him and he went home.  I would never have expected more from him, because he had finished so quickly… the job I wanted done was done and that was all I expected from him… he has incredible worth ethic and work integrity and that is something to honour him for and I do.
 
My Visit to the Dentist:
My appointment for the dentist was set for 14h30.  I was to go alone and for me, that’s huge… or, it used to be!  I used to be so afraid of the dentist, but at my last visit to this particular dentist, I am convinced he cured me of most of my fear in one appointment!  I still marvel at that!  I was a little nervous leading up to the appointment, but I think more so, because I couldn’t remember exactly how to get there.  My close-by daughter in law sent me maps and instructions via WhatsApp, so I felt a lot better after that. 
 
Still struggling on crutches, I went in and surprised myself with how relaxed I was feeling… a few little butterflies in my tummy, but nothing to write home about.  The whole procedure went really well… I remained still and a lot less tense on the dentist chair than ever before.  I did not feel panicked at the drilling… it was incredible!  I was a little tense, but not white-knuckle tense as in years gone past. 
 
Before the dentist was even finished, I found myself becoming a little emotional at the awe and gratitude I was feeling towards him… his gentle and affirming nature and the miracle that he is, because he has succeeded in calming me for some reason I will never really understand.  I wrote about it in a previous blog post some time ago… but still, it’s a total conundrum to me. 
 
When I got off of the dentist’s chair, for some reason I started to shake visibly… as if I was releasing a load of trapped energy… It was weird, because I hadn’t felt particularly afraid during the dental procedure.  My legs were shaking so hard, I had to stand a bit before I could walk without my legs giving way.  The dentist was standing beside me and said something kind to me… I instantly burst into tears and let him know that he has no idea how grateful I am to him…
 
Friday, 4th August
I have the loveliest friends and family… so many of them without even being asked, have been sending me any poems I ever shared with them in the past, in an attempt to help me rebuild my lost collection.  Their compassionate and loving gestures has really touched my heart and helped me to get through the loss of so many of my poems and I feel very grateful to them all for doing what they can to help me.
 
My youngest son arrived home from work around 20h30 as usual, only he was not well at all.  He had a temperature of 38.8, his pulse was racing and he was coughing up a storm again!  His coughing spasms are quite scary to me because I always worry since the operation he had to remove 2/3rds of his lung in 2011. 
 
Over the last few days, my precious dachshund, Mrs Poppy Peanut, has been bringing up her food almost immediately after eating or drinking.  Other than that, she has up till now looked totally normal, still wagging her tail and dancing for her food… normal stools, urinating normally, etc., but I noticed by today, that her stools, were much less, harder and smaller than usual and the amount of urine she was passing was also markedly reduced.  I also noticed that she was quieter than normal.  It occurred to me, that she is probably becoming weak from lack of nutrition and water in her system.  I had lifted her dry food about two days ago and was now feeding her half a tin of meat chunks and gravy twice a day, but she was just bringing it up immediately after she’d eaten it.  I tried feeding her smaller amounts more often, but the same thing happened… I was becoming increasingly worried about her.  As a result of her symptoms, I diagnosed that she either had an intestinal obstruction, or her hernia was now causing a problem and I would need to get her to a vet asap!
 
Saturday, 5th August
Today, my youngest son and I took Poppy to the Animal Anti Cruelty League (AACL).  I had called a vet to ask how much it would cost to have her seen to, but it was far too expensive for us to pay.  It was a good long drive to the (AACL) and the vet there was so kind and took the time to really do her best to diagnose Poppy’s problem to see what could be done.  After her examination and x-rays, we were told that no obvious obstructions were seen, and that it could be one of two things… not the hernia, because that’s on the other end of her body and didn’t seem to be causing any problems.  The vet suspects, that Poppy (about 10 years old) has a lazy oesophagus which is common to older Dachshund’s.  A pouch can form in their oesophagus which traps the food before it reaches the dogs stomach and that’s why they bring up their food and water so soon after eating.  The other possible diagnosis for Poppy’s symptoms could be as a result of a highly very destructive worm called a Spirocerca lupi. 
 
The vet gave Poppy an injection for nausea, even though neither of us suspected that she was nauseous, and sent us home with instructions to liquidize Poppy’s food and feed her small amounts throughout the day, lifting her neck after she has eaten or had anything to drink, to help the food to pass down her oesophagus into her stomach.  The vomiting stopped the minute we started to do that, so it looks like the lazy oesophagus with a pouch could be the problem… if it is, then Poppy might need to be put down, because what would happen to her on the days I was not here to help her with her eating and drinking. 
 
Tomorrow we will decide the kindest possible plan of action for Mrs Poppy Peanut.  If a plan can be made for her to live out her life comfortably, then she would still need to have her hernia operated on, because it has become rather large over the past year.  I don’t want to think about having her put down right now… that hurts too much... (Tears on and off)... If she is put down, I’ve decided that I will never have another pet.  I rely on their unconditional love for me far too much, so the pain of saying goodbye is far too sore… NO MORE.

My nearby sister, my daughter and one of my dear Logotherapy colleagues have visited this weekend which has strengthened me considerably.  I am grateful for their genuine loving care.

Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota