Part 3 – DISASTER STRIKES! – Worst time ever for my computer to crash!

~  Written Sunday, 25th June 2017 ~ Continued from last post... 
 
Just when one would think that things couldn’t get any worse, shortly after I’d woken from my gout attack during the night, my computer crashed while I was trying to get some work done! 
 
My computer and my work, is the one most important thing that has held me together over the last few years, since the time of the transference and countertransference that occurred in therapy that had me self-injuring and no longer having much desire to live.  Without my work, I crumble.  Even when I’m suffering in the agony of gout… even in the acute stages, the meaning I find in my work, sitting in front of my computer with my swollen-aching foot raised on a warmly covered body ball under the table, my work gives me the strength that I need to transcend my circumstances, the pain and my weaker self.  Without my work, my contact with the outside world and the sense of responsibility I have towards our students, I become very lost… I’d even go as far as to say and without any hesitation at all… it is the meaning I find in my work that keeps me alive… my contact with the outside world… my sense of responsibility… people relying on me to be there for them… and my joy in being connected to something that is so good, beautiful, right and true… “my Logotherapy World”… a place where I am “a somebody”… and where I feel free to be “me”.
 
My 2nd son came to try and help with the computer… he ran some fixing program on it and the same program ran all night, but nothing happened, so that didn’t work.  We knew that if I could get it to my 1st son he might only be able to help over the weekend...
 
Monday, 26th June… My youngest son was off duty, so he drove me to where my oldest son and family lives, so that we could drop my computer off for my oldest son to look at… he is an excellent IT specialist and DotNet Seniour Software Developer who I have always completely trusted with my computer.  My computer is so important to me, that I always feel it is in the best hands when it is with either of my two oldest son’s care.
 
We spent a few hours visiting there which I really enjoyed, spending time with my lovely daughter in law and with my three (far-away) grandchildren.  I felt so inspired by my grandchildren’s spontaneous giving of compassionate love to me when they saw that I was struggling on crutches.  When I sat down just after arriving, my 6-year-old grandson immediately brought a blanket to wrap me in, and later when I asked if there was something to put my sore foot on, my granddaughters ran to see what they could do.  One brought me a stool while the other put a cushion on it to make my foot comfortable. Nobody asked them to do this for me and because I don’t get to see them often, I felt so happy to see how naturally loving they are.  Unfortunately, my oldest son worked late, so we did not get to see him that day.
 
Tuesday, 27th June
My anxiety levels and frustration is becoming completely overwhelming.  With no computer, I’m suck in my lounge seat, sorting out paper work and trying to keep busy.  I’m worrying terribly about the students and people trying to get hold of me and wondering why I’m not responding to them… this is seriously killer for me! 
 
I must be connected!
 
It was a total nightmare... every second sitting in that lounge waiting, felt like torture and the day was so long…
 
Thursday, 29th June… The swelling is coming down on my right foot today but still too sore to walk on, so I’m still stuck in this chair.  I'm totally LOST without my computer!  Very anxious that all my work will be lost if my computer is stolen, or my information won’t be able to be recovered from my hard drive... my book... my poetry collection of over 1000 poems… my office records... etc.
 
Only 5 hours sleep...
 
Soup day…
What helped today was that I was blessed with another outing.  My little sister, nephew, helper and I drove around our town in my sister’s little red car, to hand out soup to the poor on the streets.  In South Africa, many of the poor make money by digging through people’s dustbins to collect anything that they can sell to make money; for them, this is a business that helps them to feed themselves and their families, or, alternatively for some, feeds their drug habits. 
 
The question did come up, re: whether or not we should give soup to anyone who was obviously on drugs.  I came to my own conclusion that YES, even they should receive the gift of a nice warm bowl of soup and that it is not for us to question or judge.  In Logotherapy, we learn to look at the spiritual core of the person, and not the outward appearance.  When one intends to do a charitable work, then the entire act needs to be completely sincere in taking every human being into account as equals… in the end, it’s about the charitable act, and not about our personal preferences when it comes to others.  I felt so glad that so many people were fed that day and that I could also be a part of the experience… it was very special and helped to take the focus off of my own troubles.
 
Saturday, 1st July 2017, this is the first day in a week that I have been able to walk a few steps without my crutches.  The Colchicine gout medication which I have been taking has really helped a lot.  My previous gout attacks lasted for weeks at a time because I wouldn’t take medicines; The one in July 2016 lasted for four months on and off. 
 
My right foot was once again very swollen this time around, so much so, that even my oversized sheepskin slippers, size 9 (my feet are size 7), felt too tight and sore, so my son allowed me to use his size 11’s… what a blessing… I must have looked like a clown in those, but at least they were warm and comfortable around my swollen foot.
 
For about a week I was literally stuck in the chair in the lounge in front of the TV, because it was too sore to move around and I had no computer to keep me going.  I felt so flat and unmotivated and even very angry and frustrated with my lot!  I worried myself sick about the students who might be trying to get hold of me via e-mail and if they were wondering why I wasn’t responding to them.  But on the positive side, I have learned more about how to do Facebook and Gmail on my cell phone which, at the age of 60, I’d never have done willingly before now!  I just don’t know what I would have done, without at least some contact… and of course, I still had WhatsApp contact with the world outside, so for all that, I felt so grateful, but still suffered from extreme anxiety, and exhaustion from the struggle to get around, lifting my weight on crutches whilst hopping on one foot…
 
I am aware that I am not breathing right when I’m so anxious; I don’t think I breathe deeply enough and it almost feels as though I’m not breathing at all sometimes and I have to remind myself to do so.  I also struggled with depression throughout this time, and on top of that, I feel as though I’m on a constant adrenaline high… as though there is too much adrenaline being released constantly… it’s a feeling of extreme anxiety and physical discomfort… heart palpitations, racing pulse, tight head, my nerves vibrating all over my body, etc.  It’s awful!
 
www.sacap.edu.za How childhood trauma can have a life-long impact on your health.
 
Sunday, 2nd July, Today, I was able to attend church with one crutch for balance, just to help myself up the stairs and on uneven ground.  In the afternoon, my daughter and son in law invited me to their house for a braai.  Getting out of the house is one of the most healing things I can do when I’m not in a good place, so all of this has been good.  I’m always happiest when I’m with my family and so, I had a lovely relaxing time at their house. 
 
What I loved about today, is a conversation I had with a student, about how blessed we are that our mentor would be with us in November and that the student would get to meet her also.  I mentioned to her that it did make me sad, that one day our mentor might not be able to join us anymore.  The student responded: 
 
“I know that the passion that has been ignited in our hearts for Logotherapy will continue to burn bright no matter what… ultimately we have to walk our own journeys and continue with what has been ignited in us.”  Z.S.
 
I felt that her words were so special and true… I felt excited to hear words of passion for Logotherapy coming from one of our introductory students so soon in her training… just lovely.  My heart was warmed.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota