PART 9 – SOCIALIZING STRESS…

~ Friday, 28th July ~ Continued from last post…
 
Yesterday at the university was a good day... but socialising stress caused me to yawn... A LOT... so embarrassing!  I must look like I haven’t slept in a week… or the conversation must be very boring… which it isn’t of course… hahahaa!  It gets so bad that I can't even concentrate on the conversations and end up missing a lot.  If anyone asked me what my opinion was on what was just discussed I'd just shrivel up and die, because I don't hear everything... I struggle greatly with the dissociation, but I still think it's so important that I keep putting myself out there in those uncomfortable situations outside of my comfort zone... how else would I give myself a chance to heal.  So, it doesn’t really matter how long it takes... it just matters that I believe that healing is always possible and I give it a chance.
 
Today I have a nasty headache and I’m struggling to surface after yesterday, to connect to my work, which isn't helpful... but I'm still trying...
 
This afternoon, my lovely daughter Judi, visited with a most delicious and welcomed lunch… a roast chicken and fresh salad. What a blessing she is.  We had such a lovely time together as always.  While she was here, she helped me by looking at my medical aid “doctors and dentist” lists and went about using the “hide” feature in Excel to hide all the parts of the list that were not pertaining to my area and needs… I didn’t even know you could do that… she taught me something there!  All that was left, was the doctors, hospitals, dentists, etc. that I would need to know about and none of the others… so much better!  The full list was overwhelming me and every time I looked at it, it scared me (anything to do with doctors scares me) and I could not focus, so I would switch it off!  Anyway, because of her, I made an appointment with the dentist (due to the tooth I broke!) and will see him on the 3rd of August… and it’s the one I saw before… the one I wrote about on my blog… that at the time, made me not so scared of dentists anymore… let’s hope that still stands true!  So, I’m really relieved about that! I’m not too worried right now, but the third is a long wait… suspense is never good for me!
 
Saturday, 29th July
A BIG THANK YOU to all who have spontaneously started to call me by my true name.  It means a lot to my heart right now.  It brings tears to my eyes, because it’s like I’m hearing my own name more often now since my Greek (step) mother went to Heaven in 2004.  She was the only person who consistently called me by my own name all through the years I was growing up and she was my greatest mentor for good.  I long to be fully accepted for my Greek heritage, because of my Greek mom’s influence in my life over all those years.  It’s like this place of absolute belonging for my soul… yet… with my true name having never been fully accepted by others, I have never felt as though I ever really belonged anywhere… except in my Greek mother’s heart and the rare few others in the past who have called Panayiota… bless them all <3
 
Yesterday, I worked most of the day, until 9pm... gradually catching up on everything since the hard drive crash, but still so-so-so much to do... but this weekend, I am dedicating myself to my blog posts…
 
Sunday, 30th July
This morning, I took an hour off of my blogging to go to church.  My 2nd son had a talk to do and I wouldn’t miss his talks for anything.  Not just because he’s my son, but for me, he is truly one of the most inspirational speakers I have ever had the privilege of listening to.  As usual, he blew me away with his wonderful talk.  My daughter in law is a lot like him also when it comes to talks… they are both amazing!  Feeling refreshed, I came home to blog and have been busy ever since.  It’s now almost 19h30 and I’m closing off for today.  The next time you hear from me, it will be about my computer… when I get it back from the Forensic specialist.  For now, I am very grateful to be using my daughter in laws computer… what a blessing.
 
Have a great week everyone!
 
I truly love those of you who have taken the time to read my blog, because it's a lot of unloading for me and I know that it’s a lot of reading for you... thank you so much for journeying with me…
 
~ Panayiota