Prayer answered

Things have been looking pretty bleak for me for a few weeks now... feeling detached from my world again... not belonging... and it was all coming to a head by this weekend... the booster shot didn't help one bit!  Nor does the NEWS of war in the world at a time when we are still reeling from the covid pandemic... and now this war is causing the cost of living to soar, so there's a deep sense of insecurity and hopelessness for me... Even if I finish writing my book now, will people have money to buy it? etc. 

I've been so down, that I've even entertained suicidal thoughts again... my dog would have to go with me, we are so attached.  Who would love her as much as I do?  Who would understand her weird personality? She was also severely abused, so we understand each other?  We love each other very much...

But, I know I'd never do it. My sense of responsibility towards others who I'd leave behind is far too strong!

Then, on Sunday, early morning I prayed a very desperate prayers for reassurance of love and belonging in this world, and I prayed that I would receive that LOVE, especially from family... specifically my children... They do contact me regularly, but there are times when my need for reminders and reassurance is much deeper than usual...

(I have come to believe that 'reassurance of love' is a constant need of adult survivors of severe child abuse. If you say that you love me today, it does not mean that tomorrow when my sense of self worth and belonging is shattered again for one reason or another, or I've heard bad news [such as the unsettling news of the Russian/Ukrainian war causing flashback fears to return, and real pain for those innocent affected on both sides, and the whole world, etc.,] that I am able to still believe that I am loved... it doesn't work that way at all...

How many times did my own mother tell me in one moment that she loved me, and in the very next moment, she was beating the living *h"#! out of me, and telling me I was a good for nothing useless idiot! Totally unworthy of her love!

What the abused child needed most, but was utterly deprived of remains a lifelong, daily yearning, that continues to haunt and destroy one's self-concept, self-belief, worldview, sense of peace and safety, etc. etc. etc. even into adulthood... it cannot be healed or FIXED by anyone OUT THERE in this world, it can only be understood and the affected person helped in that way! Understanding that ONLY I can work my way towards my own healing, and that your unchanging, enduring LOVE could go a long way towards making my way easier. Feeling sorry for me WON'T work!

BELIEVING IN ME WILL!!!)

That same day I prayed, all of my children contacted me in one way or another, and their contact felt reassuring, sincere and loving, which is exactly what I needed, so, I KNEW that my prayer had been answered. My youngest son was working all day and three times he just sent, "I love you"... that's really unusual for him to do, so he had to have been inspired by Heaven.

Just KNOWING my prayer had been answered is a TRUE BLESSING, because again, I feel watched over by Heaven, protected, LOVED... I am NOT alone in this world.

Sunday morning, my beautiful niece sent me a picture of my great-niece and that was so precious... I loved that she through to share with me just then.

Sunday afternoon I attended a Logotherapy inspired Zoom meeting, and that was also so uplifting and strengthening for me. I love spending time with my Logotherapy Family.

On Monday, I get a message from my daughter-in-law to say that a surprise is coming at around midday... They knew that Andrew and I had not been 100% after the booster vaccine last week and wanted to make sure we received a treat to make us feel better... THAT WAS LOVE, because it was so unexpected and really did feel so good... A BIT LIKE A LOVELY WARM HUG. They also video called me and shared my grandchildren's first day at their new Far-Far Away school with me... it was so good to see them all. My daughter in law took me on a tour of their new home which was wonderful!

We really wanted to go out visiting family on Monday, which was a public holiday here, but the rain prevented it! The dogs wouldn't have enjoyed visiting in the rain, or being locked up inside while we were out. It was a LOOONG dragged out, grey, drizzly, cold day for my youngest son and I.

Yesterday, even though the effects of the booster shot seemed to have left at last, for some unearthly reason, I was really down. Felt so heavy hearted all day long... a tad weepy, very weak and drained, detached, and like there was no oxygen. No energy to do anything much!

Later in the day, my two dear church friends arrived, also, unexpectedly, with a gift of treats for Andrew and I... how lovely was that?

Another dear Logotherapy friend, WhatsApped me yesterday afternoon, and we had a lovely conversation that helped to lift some of the load... I started to feel a bit more energized after spending time with her in conversation... she is someone who DOES understand so much We hadn't been in contact for a while, so again... an unexpected blessing.

And always, there's my stalwart, wonderful, faithful Facebook friends... I can always find a place of belonging and peace there.

So yes... I can confidently say that I have received, in absolute abundance, the reassurance I prayed so hard for on Sunday morning.

AND I AM SO GRATEFUL!

Today I have woken up rejuvenated... almost all is kind-of-good in my world again... Heaven LOVES me still... I KNOW without doubt that I have friends in Heaven, and I am grateful for the reassurance of LOVE still to be found in this world. I managed to get so much done already this morning... even some long over due stuff.  My youngest son has been reasonably helpful on his two days off... he goes back to work today... his help has made all the difference also. This morning, he chopped all the garden mint off again, so I can now wash that huge washing basket full and get it dried... BIG JOB... but someone has to do it. I keep thinking that not only do we eat a lot of mint in our meals, but it can also be used for tea during tough times, so going to all the trouble to dry it in bulk may prove a real gift for our lives one day.
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(I know I keep posting the Hillman quote below, but it's very meaningful to me)

Thank you for being with me today.

~ Panayiota

P.s. Added 25th March - Just before I fell asleep last night, I noticed a notebook lying against the cupboard on the carpet next to my bed.  I picked it up and saw I'd scrawled a new poem on it.  I vaguely remember writing the poem one night... like a far distant memory.  I think it belongs here so I'm adding it now.

BUBBLE WRAP
© All rights reserved
 
So much pain
And I can’t say a word
Silenced again, by Life’s Mocking Bird
Bound tight with bubble wrap
Safe here, but tight
Struggling to sleep
Where’s the moon tonight
I muster some peace
My purpose… my way…
My light’s still to come
And so is my day!
 
~ Panayiota
(12th March 2022 – trying to fall asleep)