A picture of Sweetpea when she was well.  She has the most intense and expressive eyes.

Yesterday after seeing the vet in the morning and receiving three injections, Sweetpea was so ill that she was too weak to get up and was incontinent and just lay there on her urine soaked bed.  It was then that I decided she needed to go back to the vet and it was after this photo was taken that Sweetpea started to pass blood stools and then I knew she was in serious trouble!  The vet had told us in the morning to come back in 24 hours if she was no better, but I knew that she couldn't wait and went back again as soon as his clinic opened in the afternoon.

Today's update on Sweetpea's condition:
I visited Sweetpea at the animal hospital at 11am today.  She is very weak and still lying down, but I could see in her eyes that she was happy to see me. She drank water while I was there, then vomited, but at least she is drinking. I hated having to leave her behind. She’s still on intravenous fluids but they said she’s not passing blood anymore, thank goodness.

When I arrived at the animal clinic and was waiting to visit Sweetpea, two very old ladies were already waiting with a very old, brown and grey furred little dog. He was more grey than brown and looked straight into my eyes with his grey eyes. I was sure he couldn’t see me, but he knew I was there. They went in before me to see the vet and a short while later came out crying bitterly without their little dog.

Oh, how my heart ached for them.  Tears welled in my eyes. I wanted so much to go and hug them both… I KNOW the OWEE pain they were feeling… been there too and promised I’d NEVER EVER have another dog again because of how unbearable that pain is, and now I have two… I’m sure these will be the last, because I’ve cried and cried over Sweetpea being so ill and the threat of losing her! It really is unbearable pain for me.

I feel hopeful for Sweetpea after seeing her and told her to remember her beautiful spirit so that she can come home to us

Tonight I arrived back home at 7pm after visiting my dear old daddy who turned 90 today! I spent a good many hours with him and loved my time there.  I really needed a loving family break, so it was healing for me to be there after visiting Sweetpea earlier.

Donations update so far for which we are truly very grateful beyond words:
R450.00
R1172.50
R250.00
R500.00
R300.00

Expenses paid on the first two vet visits of three:
R750.00
R175.30

Remaining donation funds available to go towards the R3000-R8000 for Sweetpea's lifesaving hospital stay and treatments:
R1747.20

If anyone is in a position to help us with Sweetpea's veterinary bills, please donate to:

Or, you can donate directly into the Vets account to help with her bills. 

ABSA: 409 475 1639 (CHEQ)
Branch code: 630 395
Reference: Donation for Sweetpea Ryall

Vet: Dirk Gouws
Monument Animal Clinic
59 Second Street
Krugersdorp North
Gauteng
1739

Telephone: 011 660 2813

email: dirkvet@monumentvet.co.za

Thank you for all the love and care that has been shown to Sweetpea during her time of need.  I have also needed the reassuring love that has come, so I am very grateful to you all.

~ Panayiota

We took Sweetpea to the Vet this morning and she was given three injections and we were told to continue with her oral medicine.  By midday, Sweetpea was still deteriorating.  She was either sleeping or suddenly disappearing. We would search all over for her and finally find her hidden in some unusual dark corner of the house or garden, or uncharacteristically in one of my flower pots outside just sitting there looking so miserable.  If you knew what a happy, active, vibrant little dog she is, you'd know how painful this was for us to see her so ill.

Thankfully my son was able to take off a little time from work this afternoon to take me to the vet... I was crying too much to go alone because I knew Sweetpea was too ill and giving up! She was suddenly having blood diarrhea and groaning in pain, etc. I needed him to help with carrying her with a towel, in case she needed to toilet again... to contain any messes.

She has been diagnosed with Parvo... in hospital on a drip... 50/50% chance of survival. I have to give her a chance because she's such a lovely little girl and we love her so much and have been very blessed by her love in return, so we could not let them put her down.

We've been told that Sweetpea's treatment is going to cost anything between R3000-R8000 we will only know once she is healed... I'm holding onto ever grain of HOPE I have in me.
 
Donations update so far for which we are truly very grateful beyond words:
R450.00
R1172.50
R250.00
R500.00

Expenses paid on the first two vet visits only:
R750.00
R175.30

Remaining funds available to go towards the R3000-R8000 bill:
R1447.20

If anyone else can help, please donate to the banking details attached.

The friends who have donated and the friends who have prayed and shown their loving care have made so much difference to how I have personally managed to get through these last three days. I have the worst headache and I'm wiped out from it all, but they have helped me to remain strong for Sweetpea's sake.

Please keep praying for Sweetpea to make it and come back home soon.

Thank you so much,
​Panayiota

Hi everyone, Our new and lovely little brown dog, Sweetpea, who we've had since September 2020, has been deteriorating since last night. Stayed in her bed all night, no vomiting or diarrhea, but saliva dripping from her mouth.  She has been ill for three days now. 

​We were gifted Sweetpea from an animal shelter for abused animals, by a dear friend.  She was so frightened when we first brought her home, but she's just a bundle of joy for us now (when she is well), and she has such a funny character.  It's breaking my heart to see her so ill.

I'm still expecting an abdominal obstruction or a severe infection. She's not eating or drinking since last night when her injections from the vet wore off... she's too quiet and still.

Doing strange things like if she does get up, going to a dark and secluded corner in the house or yard and just sitting there facing a corner or lying down there on the cold concrete in the garden... in my frightened mind, it's a dog finding a place to die. She's feeling very ill. Vet opens at 07h30... we have to take her back asap.

I know that these are hard times for everyone, but if someone has the financial ability to help and are willing, please could you make a deposit into my FNB account or phone/email the vet to ask for their banking details so that your help can be anonymous and reference it for Sweetpea Ryall.

My banking details are attached and the Vet information. Please help us to help Sweetpea. We love her so much.  When she is well, she makes us laugh every day, but now we are just so worried for her.

Monument Animal Clinic
Dirk Gouws (BVSc)

Phone:  011 660 2813

Email:  dirkvet@monumentvet.co.za

The vet could not find any evidence yesterday of her having been spayed, so if she comes right from this illness, we would still need to have the spaying done sometime and her extra tooth extracted. He said that a baby tooth refusing to fall out can trap food particles and cause problems for the adult teeth, so it would need to be removed. We would need help to have that done also.

Please help.  Any donations would be such a blessing and lift such a load.  If money is deposited into the Vet's account, he could keep it under our name for the future needs for our dogs. 

Trixie our other little and much older black furred dog might need treatment for arthritis someday soon.  We had her at the vet recently for a very sore shoulder.  That cost us around R500  and Sweetpea's bill yesterday was R750.  Going back today with Sweetpea will mean more and we have no idea how much.  She will need to have x-rays and maybe an intravenous drip for dehydration and she might need an operation if she has an obstruction.

Please help us to save her.

Thank you.

Panayiota

I am very excited to share my very first YouTube video and I will let you know if any more are posted. 

Please excuse my struggle with speech on the video as my lack of confidence messes with my ability to think and speak and remember what I want to say.  I have to write everything I want to say down, but still feel so self-conscious I struggle to speak freely and sometimes make mistakes.  I mentioned that I was in Israel for 2 months, when in fact I was only there for two weeks. It was too late to fix the error when I listened to my video after.  I had to restart each video I did over and over due to this problem with speech, and in the end, I just had to submit the best I could do.  

I have done a few videos, but this is the only one on YouTube so far.  They are all being used on our Logotherapy courses.  To see more about our new and wonderful online Logotherapy courses, please go to www.vfisa.co.za/courses 

It would be great to have you join our Logotherapy family at the Viktor Frankl Institute of Logotherapy South Africa.

My YouTube vidoe:  To Reach the Unreachable Stars
​https://www.youtube.com/watch?fbclid=IwAR0us5l2xBj1mP8gTjJNJyD2C2MxgrQhPfQrO7tlTFci1wvQFeUQdB5y90w&v=VuVDpye5BLs&feature=youtu.be

I hope you will support and subscribe to my video, because for me it is such an incredible achievement for my life.  I never knew I could do anything like this prior to beginning my study of Logotherapy in my 50's.  I am so grateful to Logotherapy and all my trainers and Logo-family for helping me to get this far and for my healing thus far.  I look forward to my future to see if there's more of me to be discovered and shared with the world.  I know that there is a lot more healing to be achieved and I'm not ready to give up on myself, or my incredible journey.

Onward and upward I go!

I really hope I will be able to finish writing my book this year to get it published.

Happy 2021 to you all and may this year be a really good one!

Thank you for all your support over the years.

~ Panayiota

CARRIED BY THE SPIRIT: OUR HEARTS SING: Discerning Meaning during the COVID-19 Pandemic - Update by Maria Marshall

Donated $450.00 which was 100 percent of the Royalty with some additional funding, and matched by the Government of Canada to equal $900.00 to the UNHCR United Nations Refugee Agency.

Gratitude to Prof. Dr. Franz J. Vesely, and Dr. Gaby Vesely of the Viktor Frankl Estate, Vienna, who supported the project, and the authors:

​Prof. Dr. Teria Shantall, Rabbi Dr. Reuven Bulka, Dr. Tamas Ungar, Valquiria Goncalves de Oliveira and Dr. Eugenio Ferri, Dr. Meba Alphonse Kanda, Prof. Dr. Rachel Bolaji Asagba, Matti Ameli Psicóloga, Mar Ortiz Fernandez, Prof. Dr. Daniele Bruzzone, Dr. José Martínez-Romero Gandos, Prof. Dr. Andrzej Jastrzebski, Prof. Rev. Wladmr WP, Dr. Adriana Sosa Terradas, Dr. Robert Hutzell and Vicki Shinn Hutzell, Sharon Jones, Dr. Cynthia L Wimberly, Dr. William Willem Maas, Prof. Dr. Svetlana Shtukareva, Panayiota Ryall, Erika Dunkelberg, Rev. Zoltán Nyúl, David E. White, Sladjana Milosevic, Monica Montes, Elena Osipova, Sabine Indinger, Blanca Ramirez Gonzales, Prof. Dr. Vlatka Štanger Velički and Miro Raguz.

The first article in this book was written 85 years ago by Prof. Dr. Viktor Emil Frankl. Translated and published with permission.

​https://www.amazon.com/Carried-Spirit.../dp/B08HJDS4WX

I am so grateful to Maria and Edward Marshall that my sister and I were both able to have our articles published in this book ♥

Friends have been asking what this post is about... please see comments made on the bottom of last blog post for explanation.  Thank you ♥

Shared with love and gratitude ♥

​My precious Mrs Poppy Peanut
 
Last night, as I lay awake until the early hours of the morning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was time to end my writings on this blog.  I cannot live with so much emotional turmoil and pain anymore.  Writing has been a real outlet for my emotions… healing… in that it helped me to make sense of my struggles and to find the best, or right answers in a Logotherapeutic way, and it was something I felt was an important part of exercising the meaning potential of my life, but what has my blog really achieved?  The only answer I have right now, is: Nothing but pain.  Not only for myself, but for others also who read it, and I cannot risk the reputation of all that I love, in the process of helping myself and trying to share my message with the world, under the possibly warped perception that I might be helping someone else out there!
 
The people who I imagine have been reading my blog, have surely never struggled with dissociative identity disorder.  I’m sure most have never known the struggles of severe child abuse… or being abused as an adult… or experienced transference and countertransference in therapy… or the betrayal of friends who have sided with the very people who have hurt them or embarrassed and shamed them publicly by crossing their boundaries.  How many of them have been raped and had to live with the shame and horrors of it all?  How could they possibly understand the things I write about?  How could they possibly be expected to accept my inner-child tantrums and understand how much work and personal exposure it takes to face my weaknesses head on in order to find a way through all the confusions and fears, to a place of sanity and peace. 
 
It has occurred to me that sharing has only added to confusions and fears… anger… haters and LOSS… Terrible, terrible losses. My latest loss should never have happened!  My trust was so solidly set on that particular friend, that NOTHING could ever have shattered such a friendship… NOTHING!  But it did and also resulted in other painful losses… and the resulting pain is too unbearable… I CANNOT LET THIS EVER HAPPEN AGAIN!   Please, please… no more close friendships… no more taking chances by getting too close…
 
TOO CLOSE is the problem… I feel and get too close and BURN easily… both them and me!  It’s about me, not the other person who is unable to understand.
 
I’ve often said in jest… “How can I live with myself” … but in reality, the question is real… I can’t… but… I MUST, because disposing of myself is not an option!  WHY?  Because I LOVE TOO MUCH!!!
 
Who am I really?  Where do I truly belong?  There is no peace… NONE! 
 
What purpose is my blog really serving?  Certainly not what I intended it for.  Who are the people following it?  Well, with only a few likes on each post, I imagine, that only one or two incredibly-caring friends who have chosen to stand by me… Mary-Anne and my far away sister for starters… and I even click on like… because it’s my way of authenticating and honouring my truths.  But surely there are others also checking in on my posts… just here to pry… to see what nonsense I’m getting up to THIS TIME!  The haters… I always dreaded THE HATERS… thinking that they were going to be the ones who would write HATE comments in responses to my posts… but I now realise that haters come in many forms… They are backbiters and the gossipers… the ones who take what is sacred to me, and twist it to soothe their own needs for answers… and their own understandings and to uplift and protect their own reputations!  They are the ones who feel disgusted and embarrassed by my sharing and see me as less-than as a result. 
 
My blog isn’t serving any purpose really.  It’s not like any REAL HEALERS and REAL TEACHERS are reading it that I know of, or trying really hard to understand and see the bigger picture.  
 
I had hoped… but it isn’t to be. 
 
All that is resulting from my blog, is further alienation of me and those I love… each different part of my personality is feeling over and over what they felt when they were originally STOPPED from speaking, from expressing themselves… from BEING. 
 
If I can find out how to block my blog from the public, I will continue to write here, in the hopes that one day, the RIGHT PERSON will have access to it and will discover in it… REAL ANSWERS… that will help many to understand better and to bring healing into this world.
 
It’s over for me now.  I still have my commitment to my book and I must finish it.  But as far as ever fulfilling my longings to be LOVED as I should have been when I was a child… I KNOW IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
 
I KNOW… I KNOW… YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME… I KNOW DAMMIT! 
 
My greatest love and gratitude to those who have gone out of their way to prove their loving support for me at this time.  You know who you are.  I will not forget you. 
 
Today, as I sit here, tears welling in my eyes and a sense of a broken heart still for a few weeks now, and as I give in at last, and allow a part of myself to die for the sake of living, I will put back on my mask of “everything is okay”… I will do my work to the best of my ability… I will keep on keeping on for the sake of my children and grandchildren and others who I still believe… BELIEVE IN ME!  But… I just can’t do this authenticity thing anymore… it’s not only hurting me, but those that I love also… and it’s creating too much loss and more rejection to add to all that I’ve already experienced throughout my life…
 
NO… IT MUST END RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW! 
 
To those who have stood by me so lovingly for so long and with such good hearts in the doing, and have taken the time to read my long drawn out blog posts… I thank you with the deepest love of my heart.
 
Until we meet in Heaven, where all will finally be revealed, healed and FIXED at last, and where there will no longer be any doubts or misunderstanding… Goodbye my friends…  Goodbye my judges and enemies also.   
 
~ Patty, Patricia, Panayiota.
 
p.s.  on the 27th, it was Mrs Poppy Peanuts first Love Day.  She died on the 27th August last year.  How strange it was that on that very day, my son was offered two Dachshunds by someone at work.  Why would that have happened on Poppy’s first Love Day.  I couldn’t take them, because neither had been sterilized and that would have cost too much.  I mentioned it on Facebook, and two friends stepped in immediately… one to say she would find me a dog and proceeded to track down a little girl Dachshund for me and even organized transport for her to be delivered to my house.  The other friend who responded after the first, said she would pay for the sterilization of the first two dogs we were offered.  My heart had already accepted the first friends offer as I am worrying about having two dogs to feed, etc.  But how amazing is this?  How amazing are these friends also?  I will have a new friend arriving soon… one who will learn to love me and in whose LOVE I will never have to doubt or question.  Life has once again reassured me, that although I am hurting deeply at this time and turned my whole life on its head by my own negative responses to being hurt, I am not abandoned and I am being watched over and Heaven loves me still.

Thankfully, a number of things happened this weekend, which I feel have started to lift me out of my recent negative and self-destructive Patricia-slump.  It always amazes me how I am taken to rock-bottom when a particularly difficult trial hits… tested to the very edge of my hold on my sanity and my life… but once the turn-around starts to happen… (and it always does)… a number of things start to come together, that make it obvious to me that a change for the better is on it’s way. 
 
23 August (Sunday)
I redid one of the videos for our Logotherapy students’ yesterday, Friday, and I'm happy with it. I have two here now just waiting for my middle son to come edit the sound to make it a bit louder and cut two error parts out and rejoin so I can send to my colleague for posting on our Logotherapy student’s online platform, and hopefully on YouTube also.  I’m excited about it as it is another step of progress for my life… another dream I never dared to dream coming true… I never dared to dream, because I never knew I had it in me to do stuff like this. 
 
I think how amazing it is, that my son just happens to have the expertise and a program for fixing and enhancing videos at this exact time of my life when I am working on these videos.  That is NOT a coincidence!  It has to be a blessing… it must surely mean that my videos are meant to be, even though I have felt so unconfident making them and sharing sensitive parts of my story so openly with the world!
 
I’m amazed that I’ve come this far since my healing Logotherapy journey started in my 50’s.  A reminder to me, to pull myself towards myself and rise above the times in my life when I CRASH as hard as I have over the last few weeks.  A reminder that I have a responsibility to LIFE which has brought me so far already… a deep sense of gratitude to hold onto and not take for granted.  I have now done three videos, plus another to be posted for a dear friend and colleague and I have three more videos to do.  Then after that… maybe to create more Logotherapy training videos… (a new and hope-inspiring meaning orientation for me to look forward to).  My colleague, Sheldon even suggested I do podcasts connected to my blog posts… maybe one day I will be doing these things with more practice, confidence and courage… but, I MUST finish my book first!
 
Working on the videos at this time has really been exciting for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to restart the videotaping due to my lack of confidence causing me to stammer, make mistakes, mix up words, forget what I wanted to say, etc.  I finally managed to put each of the three videos together, even still with some problems, but they are the best I can do and I just hope they will be good enough.  Working on the daydream world video was particularly hard for me.  It left me with sleep deprivation and messed for a day or two after I’d done it, but I’m just so glad it’s done now.  It’s something I felt was so important to share with the world, because in my experience, Logotherapy Dream Interpretation is a most powerful healing technique ever!  I'm excited about my videos becoming part of the training and YouTube... it gives me a greater sense of responsibility to put in the necessary work, to rise above the crashes as soon as I possibly can… the crashes will happen, but it’s how I choose to rise from them that will always count. 
 
Then yesterday I went to visit my daughter and son in law and their two dogs... and I feel as though I've been on a holiday. I feel lifted up by our time together... I always feel at peace at their house and, that was just what I needed to begin to reset my current highly negative and hurting mind-space to a more positive orientation. Only the 5th time I've left my house since mid-March... or fourth... my youngest son and I can't remember... maybe fourth...
 
Today I have a reading and editing job to do for our Advanced Training in Logotherapy course, and when I’m done with that, then during the week, I will start on the last three videos, which will take a while, because every picture in them will need to be replaced with legal (free use) pictures, as these videos might make it to YouTube. I will have to search for suitable free pictures on the Internet and that’s very time consuming, especially as I already felt that the pictures I had on my original PowerPoint presentations were perfect.  It’s going to be hard to find others that I’d feel as happy about!
 
My dearest friend, Mary-Anne’s had read my most recent blog posts, written on the 22 August, “Shutting the doors”, and sent a most beautiful WhatsApp message to me, which she also added as a Reply to my blog post.  You can read her message and my response to her there.  She is such a down to earth, genuine friend.  I am blessed to have her in my life.  Mary-Anne recently lost her mother to covid-19… her father and other members of her family also got it and thankfully recovered, but yesterday, 25 August, her brother in law passed away as a result of the virus, after a courageous battle for his life in hospital.  She has been through so much suffering these past few weeks, and yet, she can still take time out to be there for a friend.  I am extremely blessed to have her in my life.
 
Today, the weather has suddenly changed and I can feel Spring in the air… there’s also a sense of renewal with the arrival of Spring.  Maybe that’s why I am feeling so much better.  I don’t know.  I am feeling the SWITCH away from Patricia’s chaos and back into myself.  It’s such a feeling of relief… like I can truly begin to breathe again.
 
Other blessings that I feel have contributed to “the SWITCH” from Patricia, back to me 
One of my top Logotherapy mentors who I named Big Brother during my training many years ago, has, out of the blue, Friended me on FB over this time.  I see his face on my page every day… looking straight at me with the most beautiful, positive smile.  I’ve decided to call his picture, “The Face of Conscience”, because his presence, even if only in the form of a small positive photograph, reminds me to do the right thing… to emerge Logotherapeutically from this awful state of hurting… it’s almost as if, I feel that I can’t let him down… I mustn’t! 
 
I honestly believe that “Promptings from Life” such as these, are NOT coincidence.  In fact, I don’t believe in coincidence at all.  His sudden appearance on my Facebook page, was meant to be… to remind me of how far I’ve come since I first started training with him, and to not give up on the rest of my life… that maybe, I am still meant to be!
 
Conversation with a friend on Facebook re: Covid-19 (She responded to my post on visiting my daughter on Saturday, etc. [shortened])
 
Friend
Isn't it lovely to go out again? We have also been out only about five times, and two or three times for a drive, but it's so nice to see the world again. Glad you got the opportunity ❤️
 
Panayiota
Oh my word... I felt like maybe... just maybe I could do this life again!  I need to go out more often ❤
 
Friend
Half of me wants to go out and the other half's not so sure, hehe.
 
Panayiota
All of me has agoraphobia, so it's nothing new for me to stay home, but the whole covid thing has shaken me up badly.  I just hate everything about it and it's shattered my trust in the future, so, going out more would be a good thing.  It's what is needed to hopefully restore my will to continue on... if that makes any sense...
 
Friend
I totally understand. I'm feeling the same way. I love going out but the past few years I've been feeling very vulnerable, going out on my own, you know, car accidents, hijackings, etc., but once I'm out there, I'm okay - but it's just to get myself out there! And now with Covid, oh man, I want to go out, but I don't want to, if THAT makes any sense ... And on the occasion I've been out, like last week I needed another ball of wool - knitting squares for a blanket for my granddaughter's doll, have to keep myself busy - I literally charge into the store, nuke myself with the sanitiser, clutch my bank card and wool - no handbag - like it's the devil itself, and dash for the car, where hubs sanitises me again ..
 
Panayiota
That's me to a T... I want to go out there, but I don't! HUMPH! We need to give ourselves a kick-start in the right direction! Actively make the decision to do what we most avoid, because of the one truth of the matter... once we're out there we are happy we went...
 
Friend
But SO petrified of catching Covid 😢
 
Panayiota
Strangely, I'm not so into the whole sanitising thing at all.  I'm in the mindset that if God wants me to die, it's going to happen no matter what I do, and if He wants me to live... I will live.  So, it's not the BUG that's bothering me, but just the lost trust in the world and my future and in humanity, etc. I'm in that... “What's the use” place again, which is not a nice place to be, ... and yes... I do believe this has all been manufactured and carefully orchestrated for this time, so that's my struggle ❤ I love you my dear friend… we are all petrified of catching it, but I truly do believe that it is the fear that is killing the people and not the actual virus... I honestly believe that. The less we watch the news and the more we strengthen our minds with a will to live and go on, the more chance we will have of survival. I have lost my future orientation, and that's why I'm in so much trouble right now... I need to pull myself towards myself asap!!!
 
“The prisoner who had lost his faith in the future—his future—was doomed. With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and became subject to mental and physical decay.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 82) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Friend
I get you there: when it's your time, it's your time. BUT you can catch this disease, suffer horrifically, struggle to breathe, feel like you're dying, all alone in hospital - and survive, with horrific consequences that will destroy the rest of your life ... that's the bit I'm scared of ...
 
Panayiota
That's the bit I am petrified of also dear friend... and even worse, that a loved one is in hospital and I can't be with them, but we still have to do everything in our power to detach ourselves from the horror thoughts by whatever means possible, or we will drive ourselves crazy, weaken our own immunity, and expose ourselves to contracting illness more easily. The mind is very powerful... we can use it to our own advantage, or let it take hold and destroy us... so, I believe that we have to become active in protecting ourselves... not just physically, but mentally also. BIG HUGS ❤ ❤ ❤
 
I always realise, when I’m helping a friend… I’m actually helping myself.  Helping others and being in the service of others is one of the best defenses against mental illness!  I realise, I have a responsibility even towards my Facebook friends.  Many of which I have never even met, but who have followed my page for years without fail.  They have been such a strength to me personally.
 
24 August 2020
After just less than 6 hrs. sleep, I woke with a real sense of joy and peace creeping in a knowing that love can be taken from me, but it could not be able to stop me from loving.  I think I learned to hold onto love over all the years that I worked so hard to earn my mother’s love.  That no matter how many times she rejected me and my love, I could still love her, even to this day.  The only difference is, that since I buried the dream of my mother’s love in therapy at the age of 50-51, I was able to finally find a way to let go of that lifelong dream.  That it didn’t matter anymore if she didn’t love me.  I could still love her, but in a far more acceptable way… without the desperate childhood longings that made me so ill over so many years, and without the enmeshment that was destroying my soul and kept me trapped.  I found a way at last to fill that hole in my soul, that was in the shape of my mother, with new dreams and with substance of meaning, faith and hope.
 
I pondered about how uplifted with gratitude I was feeling this morning… what caused this change from my downcast state of the last few weeks.  I realised, that it was especially due to the visit to my daughter’s on Friday which did good for my soul… and the editing I’d done on the Advanced Training in Logotherapy course which is soon to be added to our website for our students.  Teria has worked hard to create our courses to the highest of standards, and reading that document was so inspirational to me.  It reminded me over and over of where I needed to be in order to transcend my recent struggle.  I loved what she wrote on page 41 of the document.  It reminded me, of my immense responsibility, towards my own healing… not only as a Logotherapist, but also as “my own client” as I continue on my transcendent journey towards my personal healing. 
 
What would I be doing to help a client in my situation?  What should I be doing to help myself?  I think the answer is, to TRUST that I am not a broken victim of my past still, but rather, that I do have the answers to my own problems inside of me, and I need to keep my focus on accessing my own healing power, instead of what is lost and what is broken and what has been taken away. 
 
Teria wrote: 
 
The client is the expert!
I want to tell you a wonderful secret:  you, as a logotherapist, are not the healer – the client is!
From the depth of their intuitive knowing, clients are pretty convinced of what is meaningful in their lives and what is not; that for which they are searching and hoping to find, and that which they need to combat and get rid of in their lives.  They know this better than you do!  They are being spoken to by life; the circumstances which they face and are being confronted with are theirs, not yours!  Your role is to tune into this conversation.  It is not you who are conducting the whole affair!  How forcefully this truth unseats you; takes you off the pedestal of knowing exactly what the client needs, and that you will be setting out for the client to realize and advise the client to do!  After all, you are the expert!  Are you?  Who can really plumb the depths of a client’s heart; climb into his or her mind; decisively direct his or her actions; get the client to a winning post that somehow applauds you, not the client?  Do you really want to be in the place of being the one who knows all the answers or that should know them?  This agonizing, anxiety-provoking situation was explored in Chapter Five of our main prescribed book.  Look at it again. 
 
(Main prescribed book: “The Life-changing Impact of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy” ~ Teria Shantall)
 
I also love what she wrote on page 61 of the same document:
 
Frankl spoke about the need of a Basic Trust in Being.  “Underneath are the everlasting arms” is a Scriptural definition of the Unconscious God in our experience of unconditional love and, with that, of the unconditional meaningfulness of our own lives.  Unconditional love declares us to be unconditionally worthy.  During the earlier or more immature stages of our lives we may not fully realize this divine fact and with it, that there is meaning out there in the world and that it can be found in any situation, anywhere, and at all times. 
 
It did me good to do the editing on Teria’s incredible work.  I was reminded, that I still really cared about the people who had upset me so much in 2017… and others whom I’d distanced myself from over time and even the most recent.  The distance was only caused because I truly believe that they did wrong.  The only reason that our relationships could never be mended, was because they would never admit what they did wrong, and managed to turn it onto me, hurting my reputation in order to protect their own, and in the process, I lost… and it seemed that they never cared.  For me, there is still pain attached to the losses I suffered… but I believe that for them, they have moved on and forgotten that I even exist.
 
I wrote to my far away sister today
I see Teria is using some of my story in the Advanced Training in Logotherapy course and mentions my name more than once.  I can’t let her down when she has put so much faith in me.  It’s something else when someone believes in you more than you believe in yourself!  I know my God does, but it’s a foreign concept when a mere mortal does, and she just never give up on me no matter what.  Amazing woman that!  I’m so grateful for the gift she is to my life.
 
My sister had also read my most recent blog post and she responded with her sweet wisdom via email.
 
Hi Pan,
 
I read your blog and I must say, I have been in the same position you are. Not wanting to make friends, because they always go out of my life... most of the time not my choice. It is sad and heart wrenching and I always say, I’m not going to make friends again... hahahaaaa!!!  I inevitably do and just wait for the bomb to drop and the friendship to be ended.  My real friends are all long distance and that works really well, no outside influences.
 
We are here but a short time and no matter how painful the experiences, it is good to have friends, even for a season. God challenges us with each relationship and we do learn more about life, people and ourselves. Never cut yourself off from the outside influences or experiences, they are opportunities to learn and grow into a better way of knowing that this is not our home and that people in general are untrustworthy and shallow in many instances, but how do you weed the tares from a good harvest unless you let them grow first… Most friendships are only for a season. There is always a part of us left pained, and broken; in a mental and emotional mess. Be blessed that you can still feel the pain of separation and you heart is not calloused by years and years of such sad endings. Rather have a heart of flesh than a heart of stone.
 
Love you my sister. Blessings and peace,

Shev
 
In the evening, my second son came to edit my videos and I so enjoyed his visit.  We shared some spiritual time together which I really enjoyed very much.
 
Something else I wrote today (re: finishing a task… i.e. finishing my book)
We have to work out what is holding us back.  What is the real reason we are not completing our Life-task?  Are we afraid of being authentic? People knowing our deeper thoughts? Are there sensitive things we want to share, but are embarrassed about?  I have found that it is very important to be authentic and to not let any embarrassment get in the way of our truths.  Just write what is in our heart regardless of any worries about what others will think of us.  Question ourselves… Do we have an idea what is stopping us from finishing our tasks?
 
How did I get to where I am?  What prompted me to take on Viktor Frankl’s concept of response-ability rather than continuously feeling victimized and stuck?  What was the process?  How do I self-transcend my issues whenever they crop up?
 
I believe that while we are thinking and wanting for someone else to FIX us... or while we believe that we can FIX our past still, by manipulating or demanding, or expecting someone else to give us what we missed out on in our childhood... (and I'm speaking as an adult survivor of severe child abuse), it is then that we are unable to emerge from our victimised state.  We are still expecting to receive what was taken from us as children.  But, Victor Frankl taught me that there was no going back into my past to FIX anything that happened or should have happened, and that I am SOLELY responsible for my own current life, my own behaviours, actions, reactions, perceptions, setting boundaries, respecting boundaries, etc. and that's why I have managed to find as much healing as I have... because I stopped imagining and expecting for someone else to do it for me.  I started to see how my negative behaviours were affecting others... how I am responsible for any negativity I attract, and so on.  Even the recent negative situation I have been writing about, even though I was NOT in the wrong, it was made SO MUCH WORSE, by my reacting negatively to it.  We have to develop an ability to respond appropriately to situations that are inclined to trigger our more negative responses.  We have to take control of our responses to what triggers us.  Logotherapy is the ONLY form of therapy that ever helped me, because of this very reason... it calls on my conscious and my noetic (spiritual) dimensions to DO THE RIGHT THING... even if it goes against my childish WANTS and NEEDS in the moment.  I have learned that if I don't respond appropriately in the triggered-moment... I LOSE... and I create much more PAIN AND LOSS for myself and others too, than was necessary... We recreate the sufferings of our past by our own negative reactions.  We have to become response-able!  To take personal responsibility for our own healing journey.
 
25 August 2020
Woke very heavy-hearted and felt ill, even nauseas for most of the day.  I’m wondering if too many blankets with the change in the weather… suddenly too hot and humid also. I know that heat affects me, but I’m not sure how.  I was told once after tests, that I was borderline epileptic, but thankfully I’ve never had a fit (there’s three epileptics in my family; my mother, uncle and brother), but I do know that being overheated very much affects me adversely!  So, I’ve thrown one of the winter blankets off… let’s see how it goes now.
 
26 Aug 2020
Still feeling heavy and very, very distant and struggling with dissociation today.  So obviously, I haven’t quite recovered from recent events and losses that I perceive have happened, but at least I’m not feeling Patricia’s chaotic state anymore… she’s definitely more reassured and rested now.  The day has been too quiet though… other than chatting with students and counselling with a client who has come back to me from a long time ago, and with a child/adult abuse survivor on Facebook which has been very special, I just can’t seem to settle today.  Some anxiety and still struggling with extreme tiredness that seems to come with the dissociation.  But then again, I haven’t been sleeping well; I’m lucky if I’ve managed 6 hours sleep a night, which I know is great for some people, but it’s just not enough for me.  I struggle to fall asleep!  Tonight, I will take ¼ sleeping pill.  I have to have a good night’s sleep again!
 
Sharing with a friend today about being a Sacred Dying Doula:
I've always felt a sense of not-belonging... but at the bedside of a dying person, I have never felt more like I belonged anywhere else.  It is the one place I feel totally free to BE... free to LOVE unconditionally... and... in the presence of angels... and therefore I feel totally UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED there also.  The dying person does not lie there judging and requires only nurturing love... which is the one thing I have that I cannot fail in when I'm with someone who is on their last journey here.  It is the one thing I have TOO MUCH of and no true outlet for that is more real and accepted than with the dying person.  I was so happy to find a three-module course to become a Sacred Dying Doula... it's a certificate I will always treasure, and a Life-task I will always be drawn to with all my heart.
 
Friend
Although I haven’t known you for very long, I get the sense that you are able to connect with people who are facing their big next step in the journey of life… death.  As you put it ‘nurturing love’, I really feel that you have a ton of this to give and God bless you for it! It’s so needed.
 
Panayiota
My heart is so complicated... definitely too much love to spare for anyone who needs it at any time... but my heart is so easily broken and rejected... self-sabotaging doesn't help.  But I've found, it's in the giving, not in the receiving that I am most sustained and blessed, so I just need to find opportunities to give more love, in order to keep my soul alive.
 
A new student named Grant wrote this to me this morning, and I’d like to conclude with it (used with permission)
 
"At first, I was angry at the world and everything in it. That was until I came to the realization that no amount of anger or any negative emotion will alter my reality for the better. Then I came to the realization that Isaac Newton had a point; for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Something bad has happened, I can’t change it. What good can I learn from it?"
 
I learn so much from our Logotherapy students… they inspire me to greater heights!
 
I am so grateful for the times when I see the end of a certain struggle happening and feel myself resurfacing again. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me today. 
 
~ Panayiota

​My far-away sister commented on one of my recent blog posts
So glad that you are surrounded by people that help and encourage you. Being in a funk is nasty and yet, we have all been there. Thank you to those that have blessed my sister and raised her spirits. Also for the right timing in editing the logo therapy advanced course data. Isn’t it great when the Lord shows up and shows off His perfect timing?
 
I have added to my reply below
Thank you for your steadfast, loving care my sweet sister. Yes, it is wonderful how Heaven never fails us. I sometimes think that God allows us to reach rock-bottom, so that we will fully recognise His Hand that has been waiting patiently there for us to reach up to hold onto, so that He can lift us out of "The Funk"... I recognise His Hand in all the love and goodness that keeps coming to me, even at times when my sense of self-worth is so low, that I cannot even find the strength or courage to write, "I love you", on letters to the people I genuinely love, because I'm back in that place where I imagine that they can't believe in my love anymore and won't accept it... (like they are angry with me again... When mother was angry, which was all too often, if I dared to tell her I loved her, she would throw my love back into my face and shove it down my throat, suffocating me with my own love for her) so there is so much conflicting-anxiety surrounding my genuine need to continue finishing off my letters with "I love you", as I normally would… but it’s like a part of me refuses to let me do so!  And, when I receive a letter telling me I’m special, or I’ve done well, I receive it without emotion… in a numb way, because with Patricia so close to the surface, how can she believe what they are saying to her.  When mother had just beaten her to a pulp, or stepfather had just raped her, those words, of “I love you… you’re special to me… you make me happy… etc.” were totally meaningless to Patricia… in fact, they seemed to cut even deeper than the beatings and rapes… She was treated as worthless then… so I find it hard to receive such compliments now, when I’m back in that place of feeling Patricia’s worthlessness again.
 
Having lost my special connection with one of my most trusted friends just recently, over Patricia’s negative reaction to someone else’s insulting and embarrassing me with their boundary crossing, I feel that my fight for any further healing is at last over.  I have made up my mind to distance myself from getting to close to anyone ever again.  It is over for me.  All that is left, is to get my book done… to carry on at work, for as long as they will have me, and to always try to do my best there.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m of any value there at all anymore… are they just 'carrying me', because they feel sorry for me?  So many unanswered questions crashing around inside of me right now.
 
I have to continue to give my genuine love where I can and where it is needed and wanted… but not to rely on love returning to me anymore… I cannot go there anymore… TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE awaits me in HEAVEN.  That is something I KNOW without a shadow of doubt.  I have felt Heaven’s LOVE so many times throughout my life… it is the one LOVE that will never fail me or leave me… it is the only LOVE that will ever accept me for exactly who I am, on all levels of my personality, because it is the One LOVE that already LOVES each part of me.   I just need to be patient until that beautiful day, where I can at last meet TRUE LOVE THERE. 
 
The worst pain of all, is the one attached to guilt and shame… where, even if you were not wrong when the trouble all started, your reaction created even more problems and unbearable losses… and there’s nothing you can do to make it all go back to the way it was before… you want to say sorry… you literally want to beg for forgiveness… you also want to know what exactly it was that you did to cause the losses to be so final, loss you never imagined possible… just so you can understand how it could have happened… so that maybe, you can find a way to never do the same thing again… or to mend it… but you know, that if you open your (Patricia’s) mouth again, you could lose even more… so you settle for what you have as it has become now… a new way of being that is better than the NOTHING that it could have been… but there’s no avoiding the intense pain of loss has to be attached to it… and in which, only time can dull the aching.
 
I never want to feel this again… NEVER… so I have to STOP now… stay down… stay quiet… stay away… stay invisible… it’s the only way to avoid ever feeling this pain again and the only way to stop any further losses.
 
If only child-abusers realised how much damage they do to the entire life of their victims... there is no more… “victory over suffering” … left to me… my options have come to an end.  I just don’t have the strength anymore to fight my past STILL… it’s over…
 
22 August 2020
Yesterday morning I never wrote to my friends on Facebook (not sharing this there either, because I don’t want to upset my friends there with my negative shares).  Yesterday I woke so heavy-hearted that I could hardly function for most of the morning... it was the most daunting-deadness… if only I could have cried, but nothing… I had to force myself to eat and get ready for the day… I felt like a machine, just going through the motions… I had been taking 1/4 sleeping pill all week to sleep, and I think it is not good for me to take too often, even though it’s such a low dose, it still hit’s me hard!  Once a week is usually my maximum!  But I can't function without sleep, so I had no option… my mind is still in self-destructive chaos mode!  I tried without the sleeping pill last night, because it’s Saturday today, so I am not expected to do my office work, so I took a chance, but, lay awake until almost midnight before falling asleep and woke just before 4am!  I'm in trouble!!!  Sadness won't leave me and numbness... like I'm stranded alone in that scorching wilderness place again and I’m resigned to my fate there.
 
I’m imagining what “THEY” are saying… “She deserves to suffer!  Maybe she will learn a lesson from this” … while they are all talking to each other and agreeing on THEIR findings… NOBODY is hearing me… because nobody is listening… and, because once again, my voice has been silenced.  If I try to speak, I KNOW I will lose even more… I dare not speak… Patricia has to be silenced… EVEN BY ME… I cannot let things get any worse than they are already.  I cannot allow it!  I’d rather settle for what is left, than lose even more!  (WOW!  Seeing my past once again, flashing before my eyes… nothing ever changes!).
 
One thing I realise all too clearly now, is that Patricia is always going to be a part of who I am… and she will always react to what happened to her in the past, if something similar triggers her today!  And worse even than that, is that due to her reacting, SHE WILL ALWAYS LOSE… HER VOICE AND REACTIONS WILL ALWAYS RESULT IN EXACTLY WHAT SHE EXPERIENCED IN THE PAST… PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS REACT TO HER OUTBURSTS, EXACTLY AS HER ABUSERS DID… and so… there are only two options left to me… DIE… or, live without ever again, seeking the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE… and IMMOVABLE FRIENDSHIPS she has cried out for all of her life.  There will always be the rare and the beautiful… but one thing I’ve had to learn the hard way already, is that even the rare and the beautiful leave in the end.    
 
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO TRUST OR BELIEVE IN… NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE… THERE IS NO REALITY FOR ME IN THIS WORLD… I DO NOT BELONG HERE… NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL… IT IS WHAT IT IS.
 
So, what now… maybe it’s time to cut myself off from the pain… NOT DEATH… NO… NOT YET!  I have to finish my book and I have so many other longings on my TO DO list!  But living in this arid place is a kind of death of its own… I feel numb here… I can’t sleep here… and the intense and prolonged sadness and anxiety is eating away at my soul… I cannot bear it here… but I’ve been here so often in my life, why should it be any different now… maybe… THIS IS WHERE I BELONG!  Maybe I just need to face the facts… I CANNOT EXIST ANYWHERE WITH PATRICIA BEING A PART OF WHO I AM… IT’S OVER!  This is where I belong… it’s the only place left that makes any sense at all… it is what it is.
 
I’m so glad I’m going to visit my daughter and son-in-law this weekend… it’s still a place where I feel safe and accepted for exactly who I am… and I am so looking forward to spending time with their two dogs also.  It will be, only the 5th time I’ve left my house since mid-March this year.  I know it will be good for my soul to spend some time there… just what I need for today… if I can stay awake long enough… I’m already so tired from lack of sleep last night! 
 
I have a big reading/editing job to do at work, but must write (unload) first, or I won’t be able to concentrate on my reading work. 
 
I’m shutting the doors to close-connections now. It’s the only way I’m going to survive the rest of my time in this world.  Never again will I ever let anyone get that close or give that much trust away again… NEVER! (Except my children and grandchildren… and a very rare few)

​Thank you for spending some time with me again… I really do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my posts with non-judgmental love and care.  Especially those of you who try to understand.  I am truly grateful to you!
 
~ Panayiota

​29 July 2020 – I wrote on Facebook
Let me tell you about our goldfish which my sister overseas has just renamed NGU!
 
So, last night I go to rest at the end of a long day... glance over at the little fish tank and my beautiful goldfish is flapping helplessly on its back... dying! Oh, my word... I felt so bad. For about two weeks, I've been meaning to change the tank water, but been so busy, I put my work first!  So, all I could think was that the water had become too strong due to evaporation and just filling the tank instead of changing the water, and that's why it was dying... (the tank looked sparkling clean otherwise).
 
So, I jumped up and immediately cleaned the whole tank. I felt so bad for the poor fish... it didn't deserve to die because I had neglected to care for its home in time. By the time we'd finished cleaning, it was lying upside down on the bottom of the tank... it really looked like it was on its way out.  Its tummy was really bloated and I felt desperate to help it... I was too short to reach in, so asked my son to gently massage its tummy... (someone is laughing right now I'm sure!) 🤣... but I'm a nurse at heart, so when a human's tummy is sore and bloated, if it's massaged, it helps to move stuff around and could help... so why not a fish too!!!
 
Anyway, by the time we went to sleep, it was still upside down and looked dead. I prayed so hard for it to receive a miracle... surely God's little creatures can be saved by miracles also 🙏 🥰 🐟 💖
 
When we woke this morning, it was alive and swimming around as if nothing happened!
 
NGU = NEVER GIVE UP! 💖 Brave little goldfish!
 
I am grateful for miracles... even little fishy ones 💖
 
Goodnight beautiful world... Love to you all and all creatures great and small 💖
 
17 August 2020 ~ Follow up on NGU
The sad news is, that NGU, our beautiful goldfish, was found dead in the tank this morning. After our life-saving attempts and prayers brought about his little fishy-miracle on the 29th July... we were blessed with another 19 days to enjoy his lovely presence. I guess maybe, old age got to him at last. I'd like to believe that God saw how hard we tried to save him on the 29th July and gave us extra time with him as a result. We are very grateful for the joy and blessing our little fat-fishy NGU was to us... "Until will see you on the other side one day NGU" 💖
 
15 August 2020
Today was my Greek Name Day… and I mentioned to someone on Facebook how my Greek mom was the only person who ever consistently called me by my own true name and I missed her.  He mentioned that she was still watching over me… and I responded “I know, because she always finds ways to let me know she’s around, especially when I really need to feel her presence”… (either doves or  butterflies)… well, next thing, I’m sitting in my room and I hear a dove calling right outside my window… not something I’ve heard on this side of the house in a long time.  I creep up quietly to the window and very carefully open the curtain… and there in my bay leaf tree pot, is lying a baby dove, flapping its wings for its mother, and on the wall, the mother dove cooing lovingly to the baby.  I learned through my Greek stepmother, to use bay leaves in my cooking, especially in roasts, so to me, this was definitely a sign from her, to wish me well on my Greek Name Day this year.  She must know that I’ve been going through a particularly difficult death-loss struggle, and wanted me to feel her nurturing love again.  The little dove and its mother came for three days… I made sure to feed them each time.  Their presence was so beautiful to me.
 
Lizards
Not only wild birds, but I also still have a yard full of pet lizards which I love!  I hard-boil eggs and chop them up small and around 10am each day I go out and sprinkle the eggs for the lizards to eat, and the birds also come to enjoy them.  Usually one boiled egg is enough for two days.
 
Daddy longlegs
In one corner of our bathroom, lives a daddy longlegs spider.   He is so sweet.  My helper who comes once a week, knows that she must not disturb it… I told her, I don’t have a lot of friends, so the spider is my friend… she laughed!  I have to go out every day to find ants to feed it, otherwise it would starve this winter, because with the windows shut, etc. to keep the house warm, no goggas are coming indoors.
 
27 Aug 20 (in a few days’ time)
On the 27th, it will be, my precious sausage-dog best friend, Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s “Love Day”… she died this time last year… still breaks my heart to think about her.  Strangely, blue butterflies which have become symbolic to me of her visiting spirit (one visited us the day after she died), were popping up all week on Facebook… I think she was trying to comfort me also.  I saved this one to share.

The Prayer of St. Francis
 
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your love;
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord;
And where there’s doubt, true faith in you:
 
Oh, Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved, as to love with all my soul.
 
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there’s despair in life, let me bring hope;
Where there is darkness, only light;
And where there’s sadness, ever joy:
 
Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
And in dying that we’re born to eternal life.
​
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2svZhZT6Pro  

This version of the song made me cry… it touched my soul so deeply.  I have to find a way to stop failing my fellow man and myself.

 Thank you for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota