​April 16
Still on Emotional Strike… on one level, it helped me, and on another, it’s made my day very long and dreary.
 
Because I’ve remained detached from my son, as if he didn’t even exist, his sitting-game-playing presence has not bothered me at all today.  I have shut off any expectations from him, and so he can’t hurt me while I’m here in this distant place. 
 
The television has been off since yesterday at 5pm and he seems quite happy with it.  He’s so lost in his games, nothing else matters to him at all. 
 
It’s me whose suffering, because I was not able to go and enjoy a bit of TV escape during my breakfast and lunch breaks… and I won’t be able to watch tonight. 
 
I imagine that those of you who sympathize with my son are delighted to hear that… it’s okay… not everyone will understand or see our full picture.
 
When he was younger and I managed to get him into a college for the mentally disabled.  A college where they worked with the students to find out what each one’s true and unique potential was and helped them to prepare for living in the real world.  They worked with me also and taught me how to help him best, and one of the instructions, was to get him off of his games every 2 hours to do something else… just something small.  They even instructed me to switch off the electricity each time to help him to disconnect from his games.  It worked extremely well, until he got older and I just couldn’t bring myself to do that anymore. 
 
Now when we start the day, I will tell him what needs to be done for the day… dividing what I will do and giving him one or two other reasonably quick jobs, just so that he can have some responsibility, but also so that I can feel at least a little supported.  I give him jobs like packing away the clean dishes and hanging washing that I’ve done… or to sweep and wash the kitchen floor which was what I asked him three days ago… but still waiting… and now…
 
I’m standing my ground! 
 
He’s 33 years old… FLIP! ENOUGH ALREADY!  We get on so much better when he’s working.  Routine works best for us!  I pray he will find a job soon, once this lockdown is over with.  It’s going to be bad enough that we will be short his salary over this time because the business he was working for closed down in time for the lockdown, so he’s out of work now and not just on lockdown!
 
Being so detached from my hurting emotional state today, I actually got more done this morning than usual.  Showered early and combed my hair… a really good start to the day… watered my seedlings… did a load of washing and hung that, then washed the dishes. 
 
My son sat with his usual pile of dirty dishes on the table in front of him… He can get up over and over during the day, and never think to take his used dishes with him to the kitchen… I usually just pick them up eventually for the sake of peace… I DIDN’T PICK THEM UP TODAY! 
 
After I’d washed the dishes that were in the kitchen, I let him know that he could wash the dishes on the table in front of him… and surprisingly, he did… and at the same time, made himself some lunch and even offered me some tea, but I’d already made mine, so, “No thank you” and he was gone again. 
 
It’s been such a long-long day of separation… I find myself sighing a lot… I remember being told in therapy, that sighing was a sign of depression… but there’s no tears… just emptiness…
 
I’ve kept my mind busy by researching my current state to expand for this blog post, because I aim to teach with my sharing… so I was going over dissociation… collecting some info.  It’s helped to keep me grounded.  If I didn’t keep busy, I would have gone to my bed and stayed there… I KNEW I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT!!!  My healing work, is to fight my own weaknesses… work to understand what I’m going through and how I’m reacting to it… face it… face me… and do something about it… so keeping busy for today was the best I could do…
 
My middle son and daughter in law very kindly bought me 10 slabs of sugar-free chocolate on the 26th March, to tide me over during the lockdown (I’m still feeling their LOVE)… I have been enjoying one slab over three days up until today when I flattened slab 8 all in one day!  I’m disgusted with myself… trying to fill the emptiness in my soul by self-gratifying-STUFFING… that’s NOT good!  That’s the OLD SELF-DESTRUCTIVE EATING HABIT that I cannot allow to creep back in!  I now only have two slabs left… I will have to be more careful!  Life is going to feel very miserable once my yummy chocolate stash is finished! 
 
My nearby sister video called today so that I could chat with my dad.  Of course, he can’t hear a word, but we just laughed and smiled at each other and blew kisses.  It was so special.  My sister and I were chatting all the time also which was wonderful…… LOVE & OXYGEN.

While we were chatting, I managed to catch two screenshots of my dad… I’ve posted my favourite here.  I love the naughty twinkle in his eyes… makes me so happy to see him happy! 
 
FACEBOOK
Last night, I added an update on Facebook… but due to having had such a negative day, I decided not to write about it there, because although I do share openly up to a point with my Facebook friends, there comes a point where I realise it’s becoming too  negative and, with a sense of responsibility towards them, because most have followed me for many years, I often choose to stop sharing my downers, until I am strong enough to come back with some uppers… something positive and inspiring.  I try to get back to that place as quickly as I can, because I feel that I have a duty towards my Facebook friends to do so.  It they are taking so much time each day to be with me in my world, through the computer…  many of them who I have never even met yet, then… it’s up to me to be a blessing to them, instead of bringing too much of my problems to them.
 
I don’t cherish them there to “FEED” my weaknesses… I cherish them there to “INSPIRE” my strengths, and I hope to do the same for them… because, I am so very GRATEFUL for them all and for their LOVE that sees me through man a difficult day that they most often don’t even know the difficulty-extent of ❤️
 
So, last night, knowing that I had nothing positive to give, I wrote on my Facebook page:
 
LOCKDOWN ~ Day 21
A long day...
Goodnight beautiful world ❤️
 
My friend’s responses on Lockdown day 21, and some responses from Lockdown day 22, when I had seen and responded to what they had written before posting this.
 
Veronica
I was settling in for a long story 😂❤️
Panayiota
Doing this from my phone, so I hope it works. You're too sweet... when my posts are leaning on the side of negativity, I prefer to wait for a better time to share... on the other side of the negative... that way I can rather inspire with how I got through it all ... Says me smiling sweetly 🤗
 
June
Missing you today Pani....HUGS...
Panayiota
I'll be back... I love you dearest Junebug 💖🤗
June
❤️❤️❤️❤️
June 
Yay you are back....love you dear Pani...❤️
Panayiota
I love you too dear Junebug... I told you I'd be back ❤️
 
Carol
Thinking of you my precious friend... Have a peaceful sleep... Love you lots ❤️🤗
Panayiota 
I slept well sweet friend ❤️ Love you ❤️
Carlo
Happy to hear that my friend... Thank you ❤️❤️
 
Heather
Oh, my goodness. This world has gone to pot.
Panayiota
All good my side Heather... I have my moments and don't like it at the bottom, so always work my way back up again. This morning has started beautifully... very quiet... even the birds are quiet... but, there's light shining through my curtains and a beautiful day lies ahead... I've made up my mind... Lots of love coming your way ❤️❤️❤️
Heather
The coronavirus does not scare me Pan. Nasty people do. I cannot stand tit for tat people.
Panayiota
Indeed, yes, we don't need any more negativity or ugliness added to what already is dear Heather... it's up to each of us to do our best, and let karma take care of the rest ❤️
 
Henri
Keep safe and have a peaceful weekend from twin brother Henri xx
Panayiota
You too my twin brother Henri... Love you ❤️ Shabbat Shalom ❤️
(Henri is my beloved friend from way back when.  He has known me longer than any other friend, except for my little sister who is 11 months younger than me.  Henry remembers going to junior school with me… he remembered me… and it turns out that our birthdays are on the same day and we’re the same age… hence why we call each other twin brother and twin sister.  He found me when I was searching for friends from my past during my therapy journey, and the fact that he remembered me, meant more to me than words can every say, because I remembered very little of my past as a result of the child abuse I went through.  I love Henri, as if he were my true brother ❤️ I vow to meet him as soon as possible after this lockdown has ended!  Neither of us are allowed to die before we have met again… before I have hugged him and thanked him for remembering me. If you knew what it means for someone like myself to suffer from “the invisibility spell”… you’d understand what a gift it is and how much it could possibly mean, to know that I was remembered by my dear friend, Henri.)
 
To end this post
I never did get that big job done in my room today… I was so STUCK in front of my computer escaping.  I’m so glad it’s nearly bed time… it’s the only other thing I can do today… maybe I will read.  I don’t usually read at night, but it’s still early.  My son is STILL sitting in the lounge playing his games on his cell phone… or watching videos on it that he enjoys… the TV is still off… I will miss watching my evening shows with him… HUMPH! 

Some links I picked up on yesterday which you might find inspiring and/or helpful at this time.
https://oneworldindialogue.com/online-aliveness/
 
(Logotherapist – Trevor)
https://tswconsulting.co.za/trusttheprocess/?fbclid=IwAR02-NvMsuTEm_sUiwypqVlDqk_OxHR3udinVAWMhNRVDnDyTtv9V1rRjjY
I will definitely be going through all of the lessons Trevor has so generously shared.  I feel blessed for having found this.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Ba4CVLNYI
(such an inspiration this dear old man’s wonderful efforts on behalf of NHS brought tears to my eyes)
 
(Student of Logotherapy – Gideon) 
https://www.facebook.com/Gideonslight/videos/223137712107879/
I enjoyed this video very much!  Thanks to Gideon for his time and beautiful wisdom.
 
Have a great day everyone and thanks for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s.  Only good things to report for Lockdown day 22……. Story still to come 😉

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/02/trauma-dissociation/

Warming:  If you're struggling to stay on top of your own situation, please don't read this... keep it for a stronger day.  I always get back up again... but right now I'm struggling and sharing, because sharing my struggles and how I eventually rise above them is what my blog is about.  Thank you.

April15
Mostly a beautiful clear sky and sunny, cool day. Used up old bananas and baked a Banana-oat-nut cake for my son with some lemon curd covering the top. I made the lemon curd yesterday.  Once the cake had cooled, I divided it into small portions to go into the deep freeze for my son to help himself to when he just needs a quick snack.
 
It took all day, but I finally caught up on my blogging... OH JOY! And spent the rest of the day just relaxing on Facebook… ESCAPING whilst at the same time grasping for a sense of connection with my friends there…
 
Been asking my son for about three days now to help, by sweeping our small kitchen floor and then mop it. Seriously not a big job at all. I’m still waiting... but... he did pick up the broom sometime earlier today with good intentions, and saw that the head was wobbling and loose... disappeared to Jabba the Hutt (our shed he named when we first arrived here in 2012) ... and he fixed the broom. Anyone who knows my youngest son, knows that, that is one of those really special moments in time, for him to think and do something like that without someone asking and prompting him to do it. I was so impressed and grateful to have our broom fixed... (but that must have been too much like hard work for him, because that’s as far as he got before falling back into the lounge chair to play his cellphone games again) … So, I’m still waiting for him to do the sweeping and mopping job I asked him to do for three days now! Hopefully it will get done before this day is out, or TV will be switched off at 5pm... HUMPH!
 
I refuse to do everything while he sits playing his games in-front of the TV... I'm nobody's doormat, not even my son's!  Somewhere inside of me there is hurting-anger… but for me, anger always turns to feelings of dejection… of being rejected and ignored… it take me deeply back into that far-distant and dark place where the childhood “invisibility spell” was first cast over my life… it’s a very lonely and isolated place to find myself in… a wilderness place that lies beyond connection and oxygen…

The only problem is, that I trap the anger… I am very rarely able to express it.  Instead, I become silent and withdrawn… my mind goes into an emotional strike phase… I detach and disappear into myself… down that old-familiar swirling rabbit hole, yet again… to my safe place.  A place where “they” can’t hurt me anymore! 
 
I finished my day’s journaling with…
I need to go clean the kitchen now and then tomorrow, I hope to be able to do a BIG general clean up, especially in my office/bedroom so that I can prepare myself for once and for all, getting my book finished! Let's hope I can get it FINISHED, GOOD AND PROPER this time around! Been working on it... on and off... for about 12 years now! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
 
Recorded later, before bed time…
P.s. The TV got switched off at 5pm... and now it will stay off until the tiny kitchen floor is mopped. He did manage to sweep it though.
 
There's no nagging... he knows that up to the point of no return, I will keep asking patiently... then finally issue a calm ultimatum... then follow through quietly and stick to it... it is what it is. I do become very quiet when it reaches this point though... completely withdraw and just get on with my own life... somehow feeling completely separated from him… a safe place that prevents me from EXPLODING!  My mother used to EXPLODE VIOLENTLY!  I fear the awful and unpredictable rage she demonstrated so often… I fear becoming like her… so I choose rather to shut down completely…
 
ON EMOTIONAL STRIKE! (NUMB) But doing okay otherwise…
 
Thank you for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota

I love what a friend said to me in Israel when I visited...
"One act of kindness changes the whole world for good."
I really do believe it very much. And so, it doesn't matter if we know or not, the exact difference we make by each act of kindness... we just need to know that the world that we all share, is a better place for it ♥ Kindness therefor is our moral duty and a blessing ♥

April 14
Blogging-blogging-blogging all day long, but at least I caught up on a lot.
 
It rained which I'm too grateful for... I won't have to water the garden. It started with hail and I prayed for protection of my vegetables and herbs, and as I did, the hail stopped. I am very grateful for that. No damage done.
 
Two days of very little sleep... only 5 hours last night, so today was a very detached day... couldn't quite connect... I was so tired.  A dear friend was able to deliver some sleep-medication to help me with that problem. It was so good to see his face poking over the wall and to hear a friendly voice so close to home again.  I am so grateful ♥ Another sleepless night would have been too much!  On those restless nights, I often wake up with really bruised and sore gums as a result of clenching my teeth on the gums in my sleep!  ANAH!!! 
 
My daughter called and we were able to catch up on life... Oh how I miss her and love her so much ♥ My son, Jonathan also called later which was great! Man, I miss my family ♥
 
A young friend from the past of mine... my daughter from another mother, has been in contact with me again just lately and it's making me so happy to have her back in my life. She knows that I will always be around when she needs me to be. I love her so much too ♥
 
Now off to go clean the kitchen... EEEK! 😬🙄 and yes... I have a bad attitude towards housework... some things will NEVER change! I'd rather be painting a picture or finishing off mending the dress that's still sitting under the sewing machine needle since lockdown started. I never did get back to it!
 
A Facebook friend, Andrea commented
It is good to keep up with your activities to remind me to do constructive activities each day and to use the time well. You are a barometer for me to appreciate blessings, especially to still be alive for now and to be kind in my thoughts as I go back through the chapters we have lived and to know my last two months are because of doing what is the hardest thing for me. Staying home base and use the time in a fruitful manner. So, sending you blessings to you and your family to continue to be safe…We are blessed to have friends who connect with us each day and this gives me a positive note. For you and our friend Jason it has been ten years together on Facebook. Imagine the support our friendship has given each other just by sharing ordinary events of each day and our relationships with our families and friends ♥
 
Something beautiful ~ my son and I have been hearing owls calling to each other in our neighbourhood at night.  We even saw the dark silhouette of one sitting on a roof across the road the night before last, and it was a BIG one… too wonderful!  Made us both very happy ♥

​An owl I drew in the Zentangle style a few years ago… I personally love this one! 
 
The day before yesterday I noticed that the seeds we planted in the pots and garden recently have started to sprout!  Loving it! 
 
Thanks for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota 

13 April
I was in a little bit of depression slump since missing my daughter’s birthday last week and that added to yesterday, with it being Easter and all, and not being able to be with my family, especially my little Greek sister, Mira, and, as a result, I didn't get much housework done, so I ended up with tons to do today. Thankfully, my son helped me with quite a bit and things are feeling a lot better as a result. I spent the entire day, in-between a few work commitments, catching up on blog posts... or at least trying... I'm still not quite there. I should never have left it so long before blogging... EEEK!  The good news though is that I had hardly any problems with posting on Weebly today.  Thank Heavens.
 
Family Day here in South Africa today (a public holiday) ... I'm missing my family very much ♥
 
By bedtime, my brain was fried from all the blogging!  Blogging is exhausting… but at the same time, it is for me, cathartic. No matter what, I will be forever grateful to Nadine and her husband for setting me up for blogging.  Without their help, none of this would have been possible for me.
 
My Facebook friend Vee, wrote
Ditto, my friend. I think we all felt down yesterday - I've had the blues since Friday, what with worrying about my kids overseas - but feeling a bit better today. I even finished a toddler tracksuit top made with leftover tracksuiting and ribbing, which I will donate to our local shelter, once the pants are done - together with all the other stuff I've cleared out - once lockdown's over. It's Monday and the start of a new week. Let's do this! ♥
 
I responded
Thank you for the boost Vee! I often write something like this on Facebook... then when I get to my blog, I expand... like adding extras... today, I had a cool WhatsApp conversation with a friend which I hope to share on my blog... both of us started the day really FLAT... but we boosted and challenged each other and got so much done after that... What would we do without friends ♥ Love you ♥
 
WhatsApp conversation with my dear friend, Mary-Anne (Used with permission)
I sent a Good morning greeting to Mary-Anne, and she responded…
 
Mary-Anne
… I’m sitting on my bed and just don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything.  There are dishes to be washed, washing to do, house to clean and I can’t get going.  Love you so very much ♥
 
Panayiota (I immediately kicked into nurturing mode… but gradually realised that I was struggling with the same problem)
Oh no my friend… I must admit, my dishes have piled up also, and I’m lagging, but we have to keep going somehow.  I don’t think I even combed my hair yesterday! Sometimes we must just get up and DO it… once we start it gets easier… it’s just getting started that’s the problem.  I found that putting on dancing music quite loud helps… it blocks out our more negative throughs and motivates……. Now, I have to take my own advice… EEK!  I will go shower and wash my dishes immediately!  Unless you need me now.  I will let you know when it’s done my beloved friend, and I challenge you to do the same… Up we get… we CAN do it and we will feel better after.  Any bets I have 10 times more dishes to wash than you… Gulp! I love you very much too ♥
 
P.s. if you saw what I looked like right now and how many dishes I have to wash, I’d probably never be able to face you again! 
 
I wanted to share the Before and After of myself here, but felt too embarrassed. (unless you can understand the lack of motivation-slump that can lead one to look like I did, you might lose all respect for me).  Suffice it to say I looked terrible at the time that Mary-Anne brought my own shocking lack-of-motivation-appearance to my attention! 

I knew I had to do something about it immediately and I did!  I shared the Before photo with Mary-Anne though and she had a good laugh and responded…
 
Mary-Anne
… thanks for the pep talk.  I’ve made my bed so that’s a start.  Going to get washed and dressed now.  Will then venture to the rest of the house ♥
 
The fact that she’d already done that, really challenged me… I realised that I hadn’t made my own bed yet… so, I HAD TO MOVE!
 
Mary-Anne
You make me laugh.  Clean underwear folded and packed away, washed and dressed.  Now to face the rest of the house… bedroom door opened and away we go…
 
Panayiota
You’re doing a whole lot better than me.  I just made it to the bathroom to shower… but my bed is made! 
 
A while later I added
I’m good and clean and fresh tra-la-la.  Now to comb my hair… then find more motivation to move to the rest of the house!  I’ve managed to motivate my son to fold the pile of washing and I must do the dishes asap!  Seedlings need to be watered also.

Mary-Anne
Dishes washed and two loads of washing done.  Started raining so last load of washing tomorrow.  Had coffee and taken lasagna out of the freezer for dinner tonight.  Sweeping and mopping floors tomorrow.  Now… relaxing for the rest of the day.
 
Mary-Anne definitely did a whole lot better than I did, and I’m so glad she found her motivation for the day.  I’m also so very glad that my son and I found enough motivation to do what we were able to do.  We need to keep it up somehow!  We need to be there for each other, just as Mary-Anne and I were there for each other this morning.   
 
Today two BFF’s on lockdown motivated each other through WhatsApp… and that makes today a GOOD-GOOD DAY!  Thank you so much Mary-Anne ♥
 
~ Panayiota

A beautiful sunset photo my son took from our front doorstep recently ~ so, even on lockdown, if we take the time to look for the beauty around us, we will surely find it and be enriched by it.
 
“Experiential values are blessings we receive from life.  Experiential values are manifested in what is good, beautiful and true. We open up to what is good, beautiful and genuine.  These things (values) call forth our appreciation; they involve us in a committed way.  The greatest experiential value, however, is love.  Love brings us in vital touch with ourselves and with others whom we experience in all their uniqueness and specialness.  Love can fill us with limitless devotion and arouse feelings of deep caring and responsibility.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 40) ~The Quest for Destiny
 
11 April
LOCKDOWN ~ DAY 16
 
We had a robbery in our town house complex the night before last (Someone choose to take advantage of lockdown) Two hours of video on the crook wondering around the complex between 2am and 4am and in the end, he broke a neighbours window and stole a laptop and also broke into a car and stole a pair of prescription sunglasses. The video took a good shot of his face, but I can't imagine the police helping to find him... I've lost faith in the police... last time I tried to phone the emergency number, all I got was... EEEEH... and when I asked if it was the police, they responded with a very bored sounding... YEEES... like I'd woken them up... and I could get nothing intelligent out of the woman for the emergency I was hoping to get help for... it was a hopeless waste of time!

12 April
LOCKDOWN DAY 17 – Easter
I tried so hard to catch up on blog posts today, but so many interruptions due to Easter weekend messages. I felt a little teary am, being so far away from family and remembering earlier years when my sister and I did tons of baking together for Greek Easter which is next weekend, and now we can't due to this lockdown. My family sent me pictures of my grandchildren though and my son in Cape Town called and I got to speak to them... They are all so happy and I'm very grateful for that. I've never heard them sounding so happy and carefree as they are now living with their dad, in a house he bought specially to fit them all in so that they could all be comfortable with lots of house and garden space to move.
 
A dear long-lost friend I hadn't heard from in years called me just now also. She's also going through a divorce from an abuser and said all she could think of during this difficult time in her life, was me... how sweet is that... it was so good to talk to her again after a good few years of absence.  I’m glad she still had my phone number.
 
One of my longstanding Logotherapy student-friends has been keeping regular contact with me during Lockdown which is so kind of him.  We had an interesting WhatsApp conversation today, which he agreed I could share parts of.
 
Gavin
… the only way we can get through this, the only way we can get to the other side, and survive, and keep going, hopefully with meaning, is through connection.  Maybe this will bring us to that Centre Dr Kanda wants to open.
 
(Dr Kanda and others of us have often dreamed about a Logotherapy Centre we’d love to have for Logotherapy to operate from… and to do workshops and all sorts to motivate Logotherapy in South Africa, but also for student training purposes… funding is the only thing that is keeping us from doing this)
 
Panayiota
So true dear Gavin… I feel myself disconnecting more and more over time… even from before this lockdown.  I can’t allow it.  Friends like you and my Facebook friends and family group, and a few others, make all the difference… thank you… you are a true blessing and friend forever.
 
Gavin
Don’t let go.
 
Panayiota
I won’t… I just find that I can’t mess friendships and things up if I stay apart more… it’s safer and more peaceful to be alone when you’re me… sucks to be me… LOL! 
 
Gavin
You are the heart of the Logotherapy Centre.  You being a heart, might decide that life sucks because all you do is pump, pump, pump… everyone doesn’t see that and in pumping so much, it is easy not to notice you.  You might think, “I think I’ll take a break from all of this pumping, nobody needs me anyway, I’m invisible…” That might seem to be logical… take a break and stop pumping… But, if you don’t recognise your value here, the whole Centre will die, so will you… so, it is a big and lonely job to be the Heart of The Centre… Big and lonely heart, don’t stop… pumping…
 
I felt so much gratitude and love when I read Gavin’s beautifully caring, uplifting and strengthening message that it actually brought tears to my eyes as I thanked him.
 
Panayiota
The people who prove to stick with me regardless of anything I do, are my greatest strength for LIFE and real treasures… they are very far and few between, but some have never given up on me no matter what.  I tend to push people away and sabotage relationships that get too close… and I don’t shut up if I perceive WRONG… but, some friends have stuck like glue… and as a result, I feel the reassurance I need from them… that they are here to stay… everything/everyone else I ever loved eventually went away, gave up on me, or died… Hey, but this is negative talk… I’m trying to catch up on blog posts today… I’m way behind.  Thank you for still being there/here… it means a whole lot.
 
(I didn’t share the following with Gavin, but felt to include them here, just to add more of my reality to this blog post)

~ Panayiota

​A message was passed around on Facebook, calling for everyone to take part in a World Day of Fast and Prayer today, for:

• Control of pandemic
• Caregivers to be protected
• Economy strengthened
• Life normalise
• and for our families and friends and all else that or whom might need our prayers at this time

 
So, my son and I decided to give a few hours of sacrifice to the prayers we offered up.  My diet is too strict to give up food and I knew he wouldn’t cope with that either, so he pledged not to play games until 3pm and I gave up my connection-time on Facebook.  We agreed that he could watch spiritual talks, nature movies and listen to spiritual music.  It wasn’t easy for him and he even fell asleep for a while during that time, but it’s okay… he stayed off of his games and that must have counted for something in the big scheme of things.

The prayer of my heart
I wanted to feel the spirit of the whole world united in prayer on this day and hoped that the whole world could also feel and share the spirit of great LOVE of and for our world and our combined humanity also.  What could be more world-healing than that?

Thank you for all prayers that humanity shared and continues to share for our world and each other.
 
~ Panayiota

April 9
It's a wonderful feeling to know that we are coronavirus free after 14 days lockdown incubation period from when My son came home from his last day at work on the 26th March. 
 
I slept well last night, but the day before I was wiped-out due to lack of sleep, therefore today (Thursday 9th April) I had lots of housework catching up to do... it's never ending and a disaster if I miss a day like I did yesterday!
 
By today, we needed some essentials again, so My son went shopping.  He passed by my sister, who so kindly gave him two masks and a pair of gloves for protection (I believe that gloves are not the safest, but he wore them anyway... he was not aware). 
 
My reason for sending him (we prayed for his protection first), instead of going myself, was because I am a nurse and a mom, so if he got sick, I might be able to help him, before I got the virus from him (if I died then, at least he would be okay)… but if I got sick first, that could prove absolutely terrible for us both.
 
When he came home from the shops, I couldn't believe how irritated he was with me for asking him to leave everything outside by our front door step and take his shoes off... all so that I could first spray everything with Jik solution and wipe down with a clean cloth, removing packaging where possible, etc. before bringing it all into the house.
 
When I asked him not to touch anything on his way in... take his clothes off and drop them in the washing machine and then go straight to the bathroom to wash... he was so annoyed... (Goodness me, he'd already been shopping... wasn't that enough work for the day that took him away from his games!)  I did my best to remain patient, but, oh my, I am quite sure that this 33-year-old man-child would not survive on his own... he doesn't seem to have a clue about responsibility and it PAINS me to believe, that he would not be able to protect his family.  It is just not in him to see reason or logic (Asperger's Syndrome for those who don't already know). 
 
Other than that, he's a really good person... good and tender heart... even a certain childish innocence that makes him uniquely special.  He can cry easily if he sees something really inspirational or touching on TV... he needs such special understanding... I had to talk to him once he had settled down, about attitudinal values.  (After 14 days of sitting playing his games, he should have been so grateful for the opportunity to go out and stretch his legs for a few hours.) 
 
Sometimes my son’s more negative behaviours (which I DO NOT believe he intends to harm others with) leaves me feeling deeply alone in the world, taking me right back to that far distant place in my childhood… a place that my mind still works relentlessly to escape from, causing me to dissociate more than usual and go into a depression that I struggle to emerge from. 

​So these quotes kind of stand out for me in trying to explain this lasting and destructive childhood phenomena of mine.

Last night, our country's President announced that our Lockdown has been extended until the end of April... Two weeks longer than we expected.  And who knows, maybe longer after that.  It is therefore so important that we exercise not only our bodies, but our minds also... attitudinal values are so very important for so many reasons at a time like this. 
 
“Attitudinal values are values which we experience through the right attitudes we have towards life, especially towards inexplicable suffering” (Shantall, 2003, p.40) ~ The Quest for Destiny
 
“Attitudinal values rank higher than creative and experiential values” (Frankl, 2000, p.124) ~ Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning

Thanks for sharing.

~ Panayiota

A picture I stuck on my wall behind my computer just the other day.
 
Two dreams I had sometime during this lockdown period and how I interpreted them using Logotherapy Dream Interpretation.
 
Dream 1 – I dreamed that I’m outside with my children, I think.  Inside there are two rooms where dogs are locked up.  The building looks cold… made up of concrete walls with only a black slit for a window on the ground level and one on the upper level.  We are not allowed to take the dogs out at the same time… no obvious reason.  But I am fully aware of how much they are suffering by being locked up and alone, trapped in their rooms.  In one room, there’s two dogs, and in another room higher up in the building, there’s one dog.
 
My interpretation
Why am I dreaming about the dogs being trapped inside… well, because of our lockdown situation, my spiritual dimension and subconscious has symbolically used the fact that I have worried a lot about people stuck in tiny shacks.  And, my dream is trying to help me understand and connect with the emotions involved in the symbolic messages in my dream.  
 
Dog’s represent something I love and miss terribly, so why are they locked up, and why can they only be dealt with separately and not all at the same time?  Why is the lone-dog locked higher up in the building… Higher up to me represents more important, or in a better-higher position.
 
So, after some thought, I realised that the unique meaning message of my dream is, that I am torn between two separate and important things… taking care of my son and I during this lockdown period, rests on the ground level, representing the two locked up dogs which needs our combined time and effort… we need to exercise and try find ways not to feel so trapped.  (this is my/our DUTY)
 
But on the higher level is the lone dog… something of equal importance to me… something I am LONGING to be with more… to spend time with… to find freedom with… to find time for… SPACE… TIME FOR CREATIVITY… TO FINISH MY BOOK!  (this is my HEART’S LONGING) 
 
The lone-dog is the one I am feeling sorrier for in my dream.  It has no friends… it is begging to be set free… to have company… to feel loved and find its place… it is mourning its loneliness… This dog is higher up in the building, because on a subconscious level, it is something that is extremely important to me. Without seeing to it, I am finding myself unmotivated and the days drag on endlessly.  I feel as empty and as cut-off from my joy, as that dog in my dream must be feeling.
 
The unique meaning message of my dream is to try and find time to do what my heart is longing for… to try and balance all that is expected of me (DUTY & CREATIVITY), so that I can somehow include the lone-dog also.
 
Dream 2 – My son and I desperately need to get somewhere, but the taxi is packed full.  With a sense of desperation, I plead for us to get onto it, and the man goes in to see if he can make space.  I’m thinking, there’s no ways he’s going to make space for both of us and we can’t be separated, but I stay near the door, ready to get on with my son if space is made.  In the meantime, my son takes a stroll around the bus as if he senses no urgency… this worries me, because I feel he needs to be with me if a space is made.  There are other people outside the bus, they might get on before us if we are not ready.
 
My interpretation
We need to be a team… we need to work together to make this lockdown work.  I struggle to get my son to help me with clean-up or to even move out of his seat.  He doesn’t bath or shave… I struggle to get him to exercise.  If we are to make it together, we need to work together.  His slouching unmotivated-presence is demotivating me… he is not as invested in making the whole lockdown thing work for me as much as I need it to work for him… FOR US!
 
The unique meaning message of this dream. 
This was a hard one for me.  I can only imagine that the dream is telling me not to wait for him if I can’t keep him at the door that takes us forward together… but the problem is, that if the meaning message of my dream is telling me to get onto the bus without him… I don’t think I could do that.  But… at least, I could choose to make a conscious effort to drag myself out of my own de-motivational struggles and get up and find ways to exercise and be creative, even without him.  I cannot expect him to motivate me to do what it right, for my sake… and, just because he’s not doing it, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be doing it on my own… for ME!  I AM A SOMEBODY ALSO!!!  So… I have to find a way… just like the man who is trying to find a way against the overcrowded-odds, for us to both fit on the bus… and I’m aware, that he might only find space for one of he somehow gets it right by organizing space on the bus, I need to find a way to my own progress and maybe… maybe then, my son will follow.  If he sees me exercising, he might actually choose to put down his games and join in.  My lack of motivation might be affecting him equally to his lack of motivation affecting me! 
 
So, both of my dreams are telling me what I already know on the deeply subconscious and spiritual level of my being.  The answers to my dilemmas are inside of me and revealed through my dreams…
 
IF I WANT TO PROGRESS AND DRAG MYSELF OUT OF MY OWN DEPRESSION SLUMP TO SOMEHOW BECOME MORE MOTIVATED ON MY OWN… IT’S UP TO ME TO TAKE ACTION! BUT, WILL I? THAT IS THE QUESTION?
 
I hope you enjoy my LDI posts and find them useful in giving ideas on how to interpret the meaning message in your own dreams.
 
Thank you for sharing.
~ Panayiota  

April 8
It’s my beautiful daughter's 29th birthday today and I can't be with her! But we will make up for it as soon as lockdown is over!  I have to admit, which I didn’t write about on Facebook, because I didn’t want to worry my daughter, but I was so sad that I couldn’t be with her.  I was a tad weepy all day!  I love and miss her and her husband, and even their two dogs so much! ♥ ♥ ♥

Happy Birthday to my lovely daughter ❤️ we will be together again soon ❤️
 
Good news
5 ½ hours’ sleep last night... which I am sure added to why I was weepy all day today. I hate when that happens… wake up when it’s so dark… feel so tired I just don’t know what to do with myself, but can’t fall asleep… too much going on in my head! So, I pop a Rescue tablet under my tongue… I already know it’s not going to work… FLIP!!! I Lie there for an hour and finally give up trying… what’s the use! I get up and start my day.
 
But, let me tell you the “too exciting” good news that got me lying awake half the night!
 
The day before yesterday, I received a message on Facebook from someone who I consider to be one of the top Logotherapists in the world, and someone I have a deep respect for ❤️
 
Maria Marshall: “Dear Panayiota, I would like to invite you to be one of the contributors to the book we would like to publish next spring, entitled "Carried by the Spirit-Our Hearts Sing." The purpose would be to illustrate the applications of logotherapeutic wisdom to coping with the pandemic. Experiential texts, poems, essays, thoughts of inspiration would be welcome. Not everyone may choose to write about their lives in detail, some people may choose to write about only an observation, an experience, or a current insight they gained. Some people that I know will write about their lives and they said they will try to do it through the lens of gratitude, of what they are thankful for, or whom they are thankful for in this situation. That can be an option for this project."
 
When I expressed to Maria, how humbled and grateful I was, she wrote
 
“Dearest Panayiota, we have been enriched by your thoughts and writings all along. It would be our privilege to have your contribution included. Looking forward to your submission ❤️”
 
WOW… It’s always been so hard for me to let go of the “invisibility spell” I have always struggled with and carried with me since my childhood. That even though I’ve had poems published in books, and Teria has recently included my story in 10 pages of her book brand new book, ("The Life-Changing Impact of Viktor Frankl's Logotherapy" by Teria Shantall), etc. it is still so hard for me to believe that these wonderful and genuine “visibility miracles” are really happening in my life… it feels completely surreal to me.  I wonder if I will be able to ditch the “invisibility spell” at last, on the day my own book gets published?
 
Hence the lack of sleep last night as I lay wide awake trying to imagine, what I could write that would be worthy of the faith that Maria and her husband have put in me…
 
With an overwhelming sense of gratitude… “Amazing Grace” keeps coming to mind… ❤❤
 
I loved the affirming responses my dear Facebook friends shared with me
June - This does not surprise any of us who are your friends. We see it as a natural step forward. You don't see how wonderful you are my dear Pani....I am delighted for you my friend...much love. ..❤❤
 
Mary-Anne - Absolutely thrilled for you. Lots of love. ❤❤❤ You’re amazing
 
Veronica - You are a SUPERSTAR, an incredibly talented lady. If only you could see yourself thru our eyes ❤️ you are an inspiration to us all 💜… Trouble is, as women, we tend to always put ourselves down. We set ourselves unrealistic goals and always focus on what we couldn't do, instead of on what we have done 😥
 
Debbie - So incredibly proud of you
 
Andrea - Blessings. Thank you for keeping in touch and accomplishing so much during your days. May you know that it is always a blessing to have you for a friend and to keep in touch so we know you are safe and healthy ❤
 
Be blessed and thank you for reading my posts.
 
~ Panayiota

​I picked these out of my garden at the end of March, and another lot just the other day which I forgot to photograph. 
 
April 7
More gardening... I watered the back yard well and all the newly seeded pots. I also planted four more rows of seeds in the garden. So now, my winter garden is all prepared and planted. Here is a list of everything growing or potentially growing in my garden at this time... keeping in mind, that it's a really small garden... I've made use of every available space in the sun:
 
Some just planted, some started to grow and some ready to eat.
cabbage
Romanesco cauliflower
red onions
garlic
carrots
kale
celery
radishes
lettuce
 
Summer plants still growing... but depending on the mildness of winter, we are sometimes successful in growing these through winter, because our yard is so sheltered with high walls.
tomatoes
egg fruit
green pepper
sweet potatoes
butternut
Fruit salad bush. It does give us fruit in winter, but smaller and less than in summer.
 
Herbs:
rocket
mint
coriander
mustard
chives
garlic chives
basil (green and opal)
oregano
parsley
thyme
rosemary
 
Trees
Lemon tree... growing famously this year... loaded with lemons each ripening just when we need them.
Bay leaf tree in pot (bay leaves are excellent for putting in your food storage cupboards to keep goggas away! But also delicious in stews and roasts)
Pawpaw... (first time) and those could die in winter. They don't like the cold.  We will do our best to protect them though.

It takes work to keep a food garden, but it's so very worth it... it's especially proving very worth it right now as I have not been out to buy fresh salad vegies for 12 days now, and as you know, my diet relies heavily on salads. I will need to go to the shops by the weekend though as we're out of some essentials I don't have in the garden, like onions for instance. Otherwise, the garden is definitely sustaining me on my special diet and saving us money.
 
These words of a new Facebook friend are so beautiful to me, I just had to share.
 
"The fact is we do not know the other. We ignore the other. We pass by the one who may very well be the manifestation of God in our present moment. The laugh of a child, the grasping of the hand of a homeless man, a smile, a simple kind word, these are Divine. But in this age, this world of superficiality and breakdown of community, we do not see this. We have our prayers and our rites but they are of no benefit unless we find the Divine in every soul, free from judgment, only to see we are all but One." ~ Dr. Dan L. Edmunds
 
Enjoy your week everyone and thank you!
 
~ Panayiota