Due to my very strict diet which totally controls my type two diabetes and gout/arthritis, I am asking for any assistance please with donations to raise funds for a good dehydrator.  I have been using a small and very fragile biltong maker which takes as much as five days to dry 750g tomatoes, and three days to dry butternut for instance.  It is too small and I am feeling at this time, that it is extremely urgent that I stock up on foods for times of trouble.  Being able to buy a good dehydrator that will produce a greater quantity of dried foods in a shorter period of time would lift a huge amount of anxiety from me.
 
In 2012, I weighed 227kg… I suffered from very many health problems, including high blood pressure, rapid pulse, regular heart palpitations, undiagnosed diabetes and acute gout attacks, migraine headaches, dangerous water retention and so much more.  I was on chronic medication for all of these.  Since I started to study Logotherapy and gained control over my eating habits as a result and have been taking on more and more responsibility for my mental and physical health, I stopped ALL carbohydrates and sugar foods, including fruits… except, I do still eat one small apple a day.  I lost 52kg’s and stopped ALL chronic medications and now, on my strict diet, I live as if I don’t have diabetes anymore.  I also have not had an acute gout attack since 2017, (which I also believe is due to a dear colleague, who has helped so much to make my life easier), and all the other negative symptoms of obesity have literally faded away.  I’ve never been physically healthier than I am right now! 
 
The dehydrator I’d like to purchase - Please help me to raise the funds needed:

​https://www.futurama.co.za/excalibur-dehydrator-9-tray?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhu-Sy5mD6wIVjbd3Ch3AjA4fEAQYAyABEgLgffD_BwE
This is for the one with the 26 hour timer.  I think that would be more than good enough, but there is a more expensive one with a 48 hour timer at: R8795
https://www.excaliburdehydrators.co.za/best-prices-for-the-excalibur-dehydrator-9-tray-digital-with-adjustable-thermostat
My daughter in law has also found a Genesis vacuum sealer for R700 to use for packing the dried vegetables and herbs (and fruits, etc. for my son)… it looks like that’s quite a bargain, as ordering online, it would cost: R1399.  

https://www.loot.co.za/product/verimark-genesis-vacuum-sealer/zhcb-6826-g030?referrer=googlemerchant&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImOqz_5qE6wIVBZ53Ch0DmQa2EAQYASABEgJn9fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Please help me to keep to my diet, as I am so worried that there might become a problem where I would not be able to find the foods I need to survive.  My garden is very small, but sometimes during a good growing season, we have some excess vegetables which could be dried and saved for another time.  Also when there are specials at the supermarket, we could purchase some of those to dry.  With the dehydrator, I might even, be able to help our family and others, and also use it to subsidise our income which would be great!

​Thank you so much.  Any donations would be very gratefully received.
~ Panayiota.

​Since that fateful Zoom meeting mentioned in the last post, "INTENSITY!" the damage that was done to one of my most pivotal relationships seems irreparable to me right now.  The anguished-lament of my soul… hours and hours of silent-torture.  I desperately want to make it right, but know that anything I try to say cannot be heard, because it is Patricia’s long-silenced voice that is still trapped.  When she tries to speak, like I allowed her to in the last posts, she only makes things so much worse.  Who can understand her presence… who can be aware of her… she was totally invisible when she was an adolescent child suffering the most terrible of abuses… all her sorrys whilst blaming herself for her hell then, fell on deaf ears…  those who should have been able to hear her, could not even see her… just like back then, her sorrys won’t help her now either, but she’s desperate to FIX things and make it all come right again… only to realise every time she reacts, that it’s already too late… (it’s always too late once her damage is done)… this is the most searing agony of all… how I wish I could share the picture I drew of her in therapy here, so that someone might understand… but who can… I think Teria would… and maybe Dr Nadine Burke Harris… maybe Dana, but the worst is, that I know that Patricia is better-off staying quiet and trapped in that awful wall of her sufferings… she doesn’t want to live anymore… she can’t take anymore… she wants to go now… but I won’t let her, because I still have too many responsibilities… I still have a book to finish… I still have too many people I would not want to do “that” too… I love and/or, respect them too much… Patricia doesn’t care about any of that or them… maybe Teria… maybe Dana… they’ve met her in her outbursts, and they still care about her… when others meet her, they are disgusted at her outbursts and immediately reject her… she doesn’t care what they would think if she let go… she wants to let go…
 
But I care about Patricia… Living, is the only way I can show her how much I love her… that she is not forgotten… she is not invisible to me… I can hear her… I can see her…
 
“I truly do LOVE you Patricia… please stay… somehow, we will find your healing… somehow, we will make it right... you won’t be forgotten when we eventually die… I’ve requested white balloons to be released for you and Patty at our graveside on the day we are buried so that you will be remembered when we say goodbye to this world and when we are finally able to come back together on that wonderful day on the “Other Side” of the veil.  Please be strong, because it’s agonizing and so hard to keep going when you’re not being strong.  You might be invisible to the whole world, but you are NOT invisible to me… I care about how you feel… I understand your outbursts… I understand your deeply-tumultuous emotions, but please try to understand for me and Patty, please, how hard it is to bear them.”

Our Beautiful Song
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so, the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what life’s all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So, she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota
(14 October 2014) 

​19 July 20
Since my last post, I have not been able to shake the useless-me syndrome and the sadness-depression.  I guess the lockdown had to get to me eventually… but this feeling of being TOO LATE… and useless again has taken away my sense of hope to quite some degree.  I seem to have lost hope in a future waiting for me… as though I’ve come as far as I am able and that it would be a good place to exit while I’m at the top of my possibilities… before I ruin it all and then have to exit at the bottom… There’s a dull emptiness about where I am right now… a not belonging… of being invisibly-lost again.
 
I FELL BACK INTO MY DUNGEON!
 
I fell back into my dungeon!
Flat on my face!
Sprawled out all over!
A disgusting disgrace!
It’s dark and it’s dank
And cold to the bone!
I cannot bear it,
But I’ve lost my way home!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(31 January 2009)
 
Already down there, back in my dungeon as discussed in my last post written on 6th July, a church person said they want to call me on 15th… I’m not good with suspense… and what does the church want to talk to me about anyway?  Still struggling with religious trauma syndrome since the transference and counter transference that happened in therapy many years ago, I immediately go into self-defense mode when the church people appear to be hounding/judging me in any way…. “Love me exactly as I am or leave me!” is all I have left for any of them.  Don’t try to change me… don’t try to force your will or way on me… if I am not good enough as I am, then I don’t want to be associated with you at all… it’s unconditional LOVE or NOTHING! 
 
So, waiting for their call brought my over-protective, rebel sub-personality, “Patricia” very much to the surface by the time they called.  My anticipatory anxiety was so bad by the time they called, that I was running to the bathroom literally every few minutes.  So bad that in the end, I put protection on for their call, because I was sure I was not going to be able to hold the waterworks for the full length of the call. 
 
They did call, and the conversation was quite pleasant.  They wanted to know my business from the past… all the things that had hurt my children and I… the abuse I’d suffered as a child and adult… etc.  I told them exactly where I stand now… that I will never let anyone control or force me to THEIR WAY ever again!  I’ve known enough abuse in my lifetime already, to last a lifetime… NO MORE!!!  Love me or leave me! 
 
Right towards the end, they asked if I have been reading my scriptures… WHY?  So, my immediate “Patricia – response” was, “That’s a judgmental question!  If I have not been reading my scriptures, would it mean that that I’m not good enough for you?  Not like one of you?”  That I’d need THEIR FIXING? 
 
I won’t shut up for anyone anymore.  I have been silenced all my life… ENOUGH!  I am finding my voice… but in so doing, I am also pushing some of the people I truly love away, because they just don’t understand where I’m coming from in the moment and cannot forget and remember love and friendship as quickly as I do.
 
Sometimes, I think that perhaps I should stay silenced… keep away from people… that way I can’t ruin anything… I could continue to just live in a “dream world” … a place where everything stays hunky-dory… even if it’s not that way inside of me… at least I could keep the general equilibrium of my life reasonably stable by remaining quiet!  Just like it was when I was a child… a matter of life or death… and just like I allowed to happen when I was married to my abusers!  To keep the peace… to stay safe… a self-preservation strategy…
 
I think there might be healing, in dealing with the outcome of exercising one’s real-live voice… but it comes at a price… it is filled with pain and loss that haunts from the past and threatens the future.
 
I trust that I did not offend the church people, because the conversation seemed to continue genuinely and caringly on both sides.  I heard a giggle in the background when I used my voice… I wondered who else was listening in.  I knew of one… but was there others wanting to know (snoop) more about my business also?  My lack of trust issues imposing negatively-charged intrusive thoughts on the situation.
 
Then that evening, I had to join an online meeting (not church related)… again, the anticipatory anxiety, but for this meeting I gave ample notice via email to all attending, that I would not be answering questions on the evening and that if anyone had any questions, to please let me know two days in advance so that I had time to prepare my answers. 
 
I was so happy when I joined the meeting, to see some of the lovely faces I’d not seen in a while and to reconnect with old friends.  But as sure as nuts!... the ONE had to start off by asking me a question… the same person who embarrassed me in front of the group once before under the same circumstances, KNOWING FULL WELL that I would NOT be able to respond to the questions on the spot due to either not having the answers, or my mind going blank under pressure!!!!  WHAT THE HELL! 
 
I was so angry, and told him straight, “If you had have done what I asked you and sent me your questions two days before I would have done my best to have an answer ready for you!”  FLIP!  DOES HE THINK HE’S MY BOSS OR WHAT… !?!
 
Immediately, I could feel “Patricia” rising to the surface… ready to fight… ready to protect her integrity… us!!!  I knew in that moment in time, that everything had changed… I’d been pushed too far… and so, switched off my video… I hid my face, so that they could not see Patricia!!!  I sat and watched and listened as the same person practically dominated the whole meeting, barely giving anyone else a chance to speak… blowing his own horn as it were… feeling nothing of once again making me feel like a total fool in the process… I was positively MAD!  I could not tell you anything about what was discussed from that moment on… my mind had zoned out, but I was still proud of myself for staying plugged in enough to see the meeting through to the end.
 
A dear friend, who has experienced “Patricia’s rebellious nature” on the surface before, tried to lighten my situation with humour in the background, but that became out of hand and made us laugh a lot… I was verging on hysterical… the kind of hysterical laughter that leaves me completely out of control and suddenly turns to crying… genuinely sad crying… (my brain has such trouble processing emotions and can turn from mischievous laughter to sad-tears just like that!).  I had to tell my friend the next day how hard such an experiencing of humour under pressure is for me to handle and she promised she’d never do that again.  I understood completely though, that she was only trying to help me… and in fact, she did!  She stopped me from allowing Patricia from doing something worse, that I would have surely regretted later on… for instance, Patricia has a surprising collection of rather hectic swear words attached to her vocabulary, that Patty and I, Panayiota, wouldn’t dare to think or speak!  Patricia could get me fired and has caused me some close-calls in the past.  She needs more understanding than the rest of me… she needs, unconditional love and respectful treatment, while, I believe that Patty needs, unconditional nurturing and reparenting. And Panayiota… she just needs to somehow, keep surviving the rest…
 
But whatever happens, during all of this online meeting thing, I was not there in support of another dear friend, who I think would have expected me to stay connected to support him… and as a result, the overwhelming guilt and sense of failure that set in by the next day left me so “beaten” that I could barely function… I did not want to get out of my bed at all… but forced myself to do the right thing and at least try to function by connecting to my work… How could I have let such a good friend down?  How could I have ever have hurt him so much?  (keeping in mind that all of this is what is going on in my own head, and might not be a reality at all)… I felt as though he would now hate me… that nothing could ever be the same again as far as our friendship went… that I’d let him down so badly that the damage had to be irreversible… (as a child, I was always in trouble.  I could never keep mother happy no matter how hard I tried.  I was always failing in keeping her happy… so today, I still cause myself to relive that whole awful childhood-scenario, every time I think I’ve upset someone close to me, whose friendship I value greatly). 

What I failed to grasp 'in the moment', was that a true friendship can never crumble so easily.  I had to bring myself back to that place of believing in the friendship I have with this person.  Believing in the goodness of who he is.  It was not about him... it was about me and my lost sense of self-worth... all triggered by someone else not being kind enough to respect my boundaries.  If I continued to believe what my mind was imposing so powerfully back onto me from my past, I could actually end up pushing this dear friend away forever.  I was in a state of believing I am too unworthy to be his friend. 

WOW!  When a person really faces and reflects on their more negative and self-destructive behaviours and moods, and tries to make sense of them as I am doing here, we begin to see things in far greater and more healing perspective, so that we can then begin to make deliberate choices and change for the better... for personal healing and for the sake of others and our relationship with them.
 
But, at the time, once again, I was in “that horrible self-destructive place”, of not belonging… not being worthy… nobody loves me, everybody hates me… EATING WORMS!!!  Feeling as though my sell-by date had finally come… I’d reached the END of my possibilities… I’d come as far as I could come… my book writing dreams are just a fanciful joke I’ve been playing on myself for years…
 
The depression became so intense… that I wanted OUT… and again, I KNOW that I won’t do it… but when you’re in that place of, “What’s the use of living anymore?”, that everything you touch, you end up destroying… that this virus has changed everything anyway… nothing could ever be the same again! Is there worse to come? So much fear for my family and friends… so many “What if’s?” that cannot be shut up!  All resulting in a sense that there is no more future for me to hope in…
 
Intensity
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(07 October 2014 – Written in the middle of a sleepless dark night somewhere)
 
There are only four ways that I know of to relieve this kind of deep frustration-intensity… the “intensely angry depression” that belongs to Patricia… the kind that refuses to cry for relief!  The kind that causes me to work myself to a standstill as has been happening lately… housework… cleaning drawers… tidying cupboards… etc. almost as if I am actually preparing my home for those who would have to deal with it if I die!  Good grief!

1. Suicide
2. Self-injury
3. Addiction – food – drugs – alcohol – etc.
4. Finding a more harmless and pleasant way to relieve the intrusive feelings that come with being in Patricia’s personality-state, taking me back to the effects of my childhood rapes.  (but this way always brings intense guilt with it also, so that’s not an option if it can be avoided in preventing the other three options).

 
I have chosen not to do any of the above… but bearing the intensity is literally torture when it happens for days on end as it has this time around.  Today I feel as though there’s not enough oxygen in the air… and I realise I’m just not breathing properly again.  I have to remind myself to breathe in and out more deeply… more consciously!
 
But, as always, just when I think that it’s over, Life starts to send signs of hope again… signs of needing me here still… WHY?  WHAT FOR?  But even if I don’t have the answers to WILL myself to live, I have to believe that it must mean something important and that I can NOT and  must NOT let go yet.  That even if I don’t benefit anymore from being here… even if I destroy my own reputation and all that I’ve gained so far to get to where I am today… even then, my ongoing presence might still be of benefit to someone else out there… I have to believe that someone, somewhere still needs me to be here… I have not finished here yet… there is still some important work to be done that only I can do…
 
“A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life.  He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how”” (Frankl, 2008, pp. 87-88) ~ Man's Search for Meaning
 
“One should not search for an abstract meaning of life.  Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment.  Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated.  Thus, everyone’s task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.” (Frankl, 2008, p.113) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Giving me a sense of responsibility to stay
My daughter popped past on Friday, just to let me know she loves me and is thinking of me.
 
Today a friend dropped off a bag of lemons and a lovely note at my gate just to show she was also thinking of me.  Then later, she sent the following message, which I felt fitted so well with what I’ve been experiencing, even though she has no clue about it.

​This always seems to happen and therefore, I can’t deny that I am being watched over and my life must have a purpose.

This song once again has been singing in my head… it brings so much comfort to me, I will just have to share it once again: LET THE LOWER LIGHTS BE BURNING
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnFC64SnkhY
 
The day after the online meeting, I spoke to my mentor, Teria about turning my video off and hiding my face at a online meeting I attended the night before… I did not even tell her why or who upset me, yet her response was so unbelievably beautiful, that I actually don’t think it’s something I can share, because her words are so sacred to my heart.  I read it to my daughter and she agreed that it was truly beautiful.
 
Then today I had reason to mention to Teria that I’d not been in a good place this week, and she responded:
 
“So great, dearest Pan.  And, how I understand your initial reaction (to what she said about suicide in another podcast she’d just made)!  You were there yourself.  Remember that piece you wrote and that I printed in my book, of wishing to escape to heaven?  But the world wants you here.  And that is what keeps you here.  I need you here.  And sorry, but I will not let you fly off to heaven!  Look how that one student reacted that, having contact with you as a person, changed the whole ball game!  This is your forte.  And that is why you are totally in charge in that kind of chat group!”
 
When someone believes in us as much as my mentor believes in me… how could we give up?  It’s impossible!
 
Once again, this beautiful Logotherapy quote comes to mind:
 
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

(Teria’s Shantall’s book ~ The Life-Changing Impact of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy – Published by Springer.  Not yet available in South Africa, but Teria is hoping it will be soon and also to be published as an e-book)
 
THE RACE
 
“Quit!” “Give up, you’re beaten!” they shout at me and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now, this time you can’t succeed.”
And as I started to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
My downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
And hope refills my weakened will as I recall that scene,
For just the thought of that short race rejuvenates my being.
A children’s race, young boys young men; now I remember well.
Excitement, sure, but also fear; It wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope.  Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
And fathers watched from off the side, each cheering for his son,
And each boy hoped to show his dad that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they sped, as if they were on fire
To win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
And one boy in particular, his dad was in the crowd,
Was running near the lead and thought, “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
So, down he fell and with him hope.  He couldn’t win it now,
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished to disappear somehow.
But, as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win the race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all.
And ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
His mind went faster than his legs.  He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”
But, in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face;
That steady look that said again, “Get up and win the race.”
So, he jumped up to try again.  Ten yards behind the last,
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast.”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight or ten
But trying so hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat!  He lay there silently, a tear dropped from his eye.
“There’s no sense running anymore.  Three strikes, I’m out…why try?
The will to rise had disappeared, all hope had fled away.
So far behind, so error prone, closer all the way.
“I’ve lost so what’s the use?” he thought, “I’ll live with my disgrace,”
But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low.  “Get up and take your place.
You weren’t meant for failure here, get up and win the race.”
With borrowed will, “Get up,” It said.  “You haven’t lost at all,
For winning is no more than this … to rise each time you fall.”
So up he rose to win once more.  And with a new commit,
He resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been.
Still he gave it all he had and ran as though to win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.
They cheered the winning runner as he crossed the line, first place.
Head high and proud and happy: no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen crossed the finish line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last, with head bowed low, unproud;
You would have thought he won the race, to listen to the crowd.
An to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
“To me you won,” his father said, “you rose each time you fell.”
And now when things seem dark and hard and difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy helps me in my race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all,
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit!” “Give up, you’re beaten!” They still shout in my face.
But, another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race.”
 
By Dee Groberg
 
Thank you so much for sharing with me today.  I feel a whole lot better for having unloaded!  Writing and putting everything into perspective is so healing for me.
 
4 steps to deal with anxiety, tragedy, or heartache
By Eric Barker       Jul 7, 2017
https://www.theladders.com/p/22799/anxiety-tragedy-heartache-writing
 
~ Panayiota
www.vfisa.co.za

6 July 2020
I am so distant today… this happens far too often and is really hard to negotiate when there’s important work to be done!  Struggling to stay on the surface and stay connected to my work.  I have so much work to do.  Everything feels totally overwhelming… I seriously want to run away right now, but my strong sense of responsibility toward my work and others won’t allow me to.
 
I’m not going to be able to connect again until I’ve unloaded this current anxiety.  It’s too much for me to just hold in.  Writing is the only way I can make sense of anything much that goes on in this mixed-up head of mine.
 
Something shook the fiber of my being recently to my very core.  I have not been the same since then and I’m struggling to find myself again.
 
I decided to take a certain “intelligence” test… just to see how I’m doing… imagining that I’d do okay… BUT I DIDN’T!  Scoring just over 60%... ONLY!  I was devastated… in some ways, I felt destroyed by the reality of it.  While I worked on the questions, I could feel the disconnection in my brain… fumbling for answers… over thinking… feeling anxious and really stupid…
 
But I’ve suspected for a long time, that there’s MORE to my struggles!
 
When I was a child, I was in special remedial learning classes… WHY?  One theory was that I needed glasses… so I was given glasses… it made no difference.  My theory all these years, was because, my mother and others always told how stupid and useless I was, and I believed them.  For most of my life I resigned myself to that adopted theory, as if it was the absolute truth of who I was… a NOTHING!
 
I remember sitting at the dining room table many times after school, with either my mother or stepfather assisting me with my homework… I remember them shouting at me for not being able to recite my timetables.  I remember being told to put out my hands to be beaten on the palms of my hands or my knuckles with a ruler for not having the answers they were expecting from me.  And if I upset “them” enough with my stupidity, I’d get a proper hiding and be sent away in pain and disgrace… totally rejected for being so uselessly-STUPID! 
 
My memory problem that has come with me throughout my life is truly TERRIBLE!!!!  It is seriously NO JOKES!  Part of me believes, that I’d learned to block the abuse out so well to protect my mental integrity, that in the end, I seemed to block so much more out… even harmless memories that I should have been able to keep.  Under the slightest pressure, if asked a question when I’m not feeling socially comfortable, or I’ve just arrived at a venue and haven’t had time to relax and feel safe yet, I cannot even remember simple things like my own grandchildren’s names. 
 
Ask me how old my children are or when they were born… NO IDEA!  I remember only the birth-dates of my first two boys… 1979 and 1981… but the other two, I have to keep asking them.  It’s the same with my grandchildren.  Out of six of them, I can only remember the one birth-date, because she was born at the same time my third son was having two thirds of his one lung removed due to having developed destructive pneumonia!!!  I was so sure he would die in the operating room, where he was for two hours longer than they said he would be, while at the exact same time, I waited for news of my granddaughters’ birth… She was the only grandchild whose birth I could not attend… such a bitter-sweet moment in time for me.  That was 13 August 2010…
 
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME! 
 
My memory struggle has been a curse for as long as I can remember!
 
Just the other day, I was feeling unhappy, because I know that with my struggle, I could never be a real student trainer for instance.  The minute someone asks me a question, or I think that they might be expecting something from me, I become completely disconnected from my brain… it truly feels like an instant disconnection to my intelligence…
 
WAS IT EVER THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? 
 
I have no answers… I feel so stupid… mother’s useless idiot child… OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
 
I did a Zoom student training session presentation recently on, “Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (LDI), based on nighttime dreams”. It was my first time doing a presentation on Zoom.  I believe that the students found it interesting, but watching the video over afterwards, and seeing how nervous I was… my body language… what I was doing with my hands and mouth… it was so obvious!  As I shared with the students that day, my mouth became so dry, I had to keep sipping water and was swallowing nervously continuously… I even joked that I felt as though I was being interrogated… but it’s no joke! 
 
I HATE THAT I AM LIKE THAT!  WHY CAN’T I FEEL SMARTER… WHY CAN’T I BE SMARTER!!! 
 
They want me to do another Zoom presentation soon on “LDI of the daydream worlds of child-abuse victims/survivors.”  Will I do any better then?  Obviously, I’m going to try.  At least Dr Kanda will be there again, so I won’t have to answer questions!  Thank goodness!  I wouldn’t even agree to do the presentation if I didn’t have the                 question-answering backup person there with me.
 
Yesterday (5th July) was another Zoom supervision session with the students.  The facilitator mentioned me right at the beginning of the session… expecting me to contribute… I could feel my brain disconnecting immediately… as if I was being rapidly pulled away from them all by invisible ropes… going backwards into the far distance… back into that nasty place of my childhood past… that horrible and debilitating place of being mother’s dithering idiot child again.  I could not contribute because my mind had embarrassed me once again, so I switched off my video and sound, so that they couldn’t see or hear me… CRYING!  I listened to how well the students responded to questions… I knew that I could never do that… I just DON’T HAVE IT!  I felt as though I’d let everyone down… I was angry with myself for not being able to do what everyone else seems to do so effortlessly and with such courage!
 
SOMETHING IS MISSING AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN!  I HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS OF WHO I AM!!!
 
So, my real dilemma now is that I’m really wondering if I have maybe always had a learning disability. 
 
How fine is the line between the lifelong debilitating effects of child abuse on the abused person’s mind and the diagnosis of learning disabilities? 
 
My youngest son has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, and a friend once told me that many of the things I post about myself sound very much like what she has struggled with all of her life as a person with Asperger’s syndrome. 
 
Then also… how fine is the line between the giving of so many labels… such as Asperger’s syndrome, bi polar disorder, etc. and the REAL and long-lasting effects that child abuse has on the growing mind.
 
I KNOW what child abuse has done to me… but at the same time, what is the possibility of a learning disability that could be adding to my struggles. 
 
HOW CAN I FIND OUT? 
 
I will NOT go to some psychiatrist, etc. and just let them suck a labeling diagnosis out of their thumb for me… NO!!!  That is not going to happen.  If I am to be diagnosed with a learning disability, I want it to be unquestionably proved… blood tests… DNA… whatever? 
 
IS THIS POSSIBLE?  CAN ANYONE OUT THERE ADVISE ME PLEASE?  SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT THROUGH MUCH REAL-LIFE STUDY!  CAN ANYBODY HELP ME PLEASE? 
 
I would probably need a sponsor so that whatever visits to whoever and whatever tests needing to be done, can be done.  Obviously, I’d first see what my “lowest-rate” medical aid would be prepared to cover, but I may need more financial assistance to help me to be tested properly… transport to get there… wherever… etc.
 
I wish that I could get someone like Dr Nadine Burke Harris to see me.  I believe she would know exactly what to do to help me find out the true source of my many struggles… most especially, my memory problem.  I’d TRUST her… but how do I find her to help me.  I’ve been reading her book, “The Deepest Well” … it is so good and her work is very meaningful to me.
 
I did advertise on Facebook as to how an adult could be tested for learning disabilities, but only one friend responded with what is available on her side of the world. 
 
I WANT TO KNOW… I NEED TO KNOW… please help me! 
 
I have not been able to think straight for days… tears come and go for so many reasons.  Somehow, I feel like I just want to give up… like this whole lock-down thing and the sense of hopelessness I’m experiencing is taking its toll on me. 
 
Will I ever finish my book?  I’ve gotten so busy again… too busy… it seems as though there is no chance.  And because I’m so forgetful, I can’t just continue with my book where I left off each time… I will have to start reading it again right from the beginning, just to connect with it again in order to edit the remaining 50 pages of it that I didn’t manage to get to in time.
 
It’s just too much… life feels like it’s just too much right now.  I’m missing my family and friends.  Every now and then someone lets me know they love me.  My church leader called for a friendly chat on Sunday, so that was special.  My daughter, some church friends, some family, my middle son and his family, and so on, have called, sent messages, or popped past occasionally bearing gifts of provisions, surprises, spiritual upliftment and LOVE… my oldest son shows his love by being there through messaging and whenever I need technical help with my computer.  And and today (6th July) my sister and dad drove past my house and hooted and let me know it was them just hooting a “hello” to me.  It might seem like a small thing really, but to me, it was sooooo very special… really warmed my heart so much to think they did that for me… they thought of me today. 
 
Everyone is so close… yet so far away.  I feel very isolated… much more than ever before.  Much more than the isolation that I had always imposed on myself anyway… so every little bit of love that passes my way is such a TRUE GIFT that kind-of breaks the deathly silence of my isolation and stops the inner-screaming that gets very loud at times and feels very desperate. 
 
My sense of responsibility to all whom I love, my work and my unwritten book, is what keeps me alive in this world… that keeps me hoping in a better tomorrow. 
 
My LOVE will not let me go, because I believe I have a purpose in this world and that I have not completed it yet… and so, I have no option, but to continue to HOPE in a better tomorrow.  I realise that I have to keep calm against the self-destructive power of my own mind.  I will NOT let my past continue to destroy me. 
 
So-what if I cannot remember things or answer questions like other people?  So-what if that’s my big weakness that keeps me from being like everyone else?  Do I have to be like others?  Is it okay to be just ME?  I have achieved so much in my life by sheer grit and determination… through my indomitable will to find my healing and to reach my full potential in the service and for the love of others… and also because I refused to ever give up regardless of all that I feel still threatens me and all of the losses that have left my heart... mostly sad…
 
I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND – I AM – I truly am!
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.  Please “Like” if you read this or any other of my posts.  It makes me feel good to know that someone is taking the time pop in to spend some time with me.  Thank you for the rare few stalwarts that seem to always stand by me on this journey.  I see your likes (at least three) on every one of my posts and I KNOW you are there… even though I don’t know who you are.  Thank YOU so very much for taking the time to show your presence and care!  So long as those three likes are always there, I will feel the love and will continue to share… any extras are always such a welcome blessing also that warms my heart… grateful thanks to YOU also.
 
~ Panayiota

While my longing, dreaming days still existed, I once wrote…
 
Dearest Mother
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Your troubles must have been far worse than mine, with no one standing near,
No gentle mother to hold you close, instead an angry monster who filled you all with fear!
A father you loved, but could not trust, took your innocence away,
Yet somehow you chose the best of him, for the mask you wear today!
Forever lost in a state of turmoil, confused as you battle your deep pain!
Denying any weaknesses in you, as you continue to run from the shame!
Now I understand you at last mom, after all these difficult years,
Now I understand your bitterness and your agonizing tears.
Now I understand why you manipulate and hurt others the way you do!
At last I understand your motives, and what’s been eating away at you!
I understand you more and more as my own struggling years roll by,
No longer am I left confused and hurt, asking, “Why mom… WHY?”
How sad your own life must have been, how difficult to bear,
You must have been so lonely mom, with no one nearby to care!
No listening ears, no friendly hugs, no one to help you to be strong,
Yet you fought on relentlessly the way you knew best, and just struggled on and on!
You fooled the world into believing that you were totally in control,
But mom, you never once fooled me, as I watched the bitterness take its toll!
Yet you’re braver than you know my mom; you’re stronger than an ancient twisted tree,
And though I don’t want to end up as miserable as you, you are still an inspiration to me!
Don’t give up, though the way is long, keep searching for your truth!
Don’t let life take anything else away, as it did in your past and your youth!
Look up!  Look up, the sky is still blue, and God’s Love Has always been Real,
There’s always hope no matter what, and it’s never too late to heal!
 
~ Panayiota
(31 December 2004 – Though my struggle still continues, I do understand and forgive you mom, from your forever-loving daughter)
 
Why Must Your Daughter Cry?
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Mother, why don’t you love me?
So long my heart has ached!
Why don’t you stop the hurting games,
Designed only to make ‘you’ look great?
I know your childhood was so hard mom,
And no one believed in you!
No one was there when you needed them,
Or loved you just for you!
But mom, you cannot buy love,
Or cheat to gain your need!
You cannot manipulate for attention,
Or be ruled by such selfish greed!
You have to earn respect and love,
It has to find your heart true!
You cannot force it to your way,
Of make it entertain you!
 
Are you blind mom? Can’t you see?
I’ve been here all these years!
Holding all the love you need,
To melt away your fears!
But for some strange reason, you cannot accept,
Your daughters loving heart!
You never have and never will,
You’ve hated me right from the start!
You’ve left me confused and lonely!
You’ve tortured my very soul!
I just cannot succeed in being the one,
To fill your needy goal!
No matter how much I love you!
No matter how hard I try,
I’ll never succeed in winning your heart!
Oh, mother… Why must your daughter cry?
 
~ Panayiota
(28th February 2005)
 
 
I entered in my diary today ~ 20 June 2020
(“Patty” referring to my wounded inner-child)

​On Mother’s Day, in 2013 when my mother made it perfectly clear that she wanted nothing to do with my sister and I, I was at last able to stop longing and dreaming for her love… I was then able to exchange my longings and dreaming for another belief I chose to hold onto instead… the belief of a Heavenly Mother whose True, Nurturing and Unconditional Love had always been there for me and that She would be waiting for me with Her Loving Arms wide open to embrace me, one wonderful day, when I eventually go HOME.
 
The sad truth is, that after all these years, I would not trust or believe my earthly mother if she suddenly reached out with her love.  I had to get past all my longings and dreaming to find a place where I could eventually survive without her love.  The wall I put up to protect my heart from her constant bashings had to be a strong one… VERY STRONG.
 
If she were dying and could be brought to me, I’d take such good care of her until she passed away and show her all the love, dignity and worth she’d never really known as a result of her own horrific child-abuse experiences.  I wish somehow, that I could have the gift of doing that for her… to see her off with all my love, because my only REAL ACHING now, is to imagine her dying alone… I could NEVER wish that on her EVER. 
 
My prayer today, is that someone who lives near her, will LOVE her with so much tenderness and care, right through to her END and will be there to hold her and tell her she’s LOVED over and over, on the day she passes.
 
It still hurts mom… it still hurts… because I can’t stop loving you… and deep down, Patty’s aching and longing cannot be stopped… I have to keep adding more bricks to that wall… fill in each new hole that might appear… (that hole in my soul that is in my shape of you mom…)
 
Thank you for sharing this with me today
 
~ Panayiota
(For Patty ~ Beloved daughter of her Mother in Heaven)

I’m grateful for Facebook memories!  They are good reminders of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.
 
I wrote on Facebook on the 1st of June, 2012 at 06h36
You all know that I LOVE going to my Logotherapy plenary session at Unisa once a month... I haven't missed a day it in the 4 years I've been studying there!!! Well... I was doing last minute preparations for the next session on Wednesday when I got a call to say another old church friend of mine was in a bad way and needed a bath and could I do that for her... so I dropped everything and went to help with that, only to find her in a really bad way and on her way out (soon to cross over the Veil)... I could not leave her in her hour of need, (one of my church mom's) so stayed all night to give her TLC... she passed away just before 10am on Thursday... so I missed my plenary session, but was rewarded instead by the wonderful privilege of assisting my dear old friend on her journey home. There could be no more spiritually beautiful experience (other than the birth of a baby). It was a very special time for me.
 
This reminder, took me back to the morning my old friend, Verna, passed away; she had been in a lot of pain during the night with no more circulation reaching her very swollen, grossly discolored legs and feet.  She called out for me over and over during her restless moments and I did all I could to comfort her and reassure her that I was there and wouldn’t leave her, I even sang church hymns to her… as a result, I had very little sleep that night.  But the next morning, some church sisters arrived to help me give our friend a bath.  We washed and dressed her, but literally as we put on the last garment, she began to take her last breath.  I remember being next to her and holding her head in the crook of my arm.  She was a feisty old woman, so I felt she wouldn’t mind a little humour in that moment, especially as the moment was shared with other sisters, and some young women who looked really horrified when I told them that she was on her way (about to die).  I said to the old lady, “That’s great, you wait until we get you all washed and dressed so beautifully, and then you decide to go”.  I remember a few smiling faces around the room when I said that, and I think it somewhat helped to ease the burden of that moment in time.  It turned out to be a very sacred experience shared with the other loving and caring woman, and I will never forget it.  My old friend passed away whilst I still cradled her head in my arms.
 
June 1, 2012 at 7:49 AM ·
Then I get home from seeing my dear old friend off to Heaven yesterday, and all I wanted to do was to bath... and guess what... copper wire cable theft right here on the corner next to our house, so we had no electricity for hours and hours... lukewarm bath only!
 
June 1, 2012 at 7:56 AM
Then... just to really make the day interesting... my ex-husband calls yesterday to say he's going on Pension with immediate effect and will shortly not be able to assist us financially anymore... (instant dire straits for us), because Andrew will not be able to earn much more than R2000 a month, and if he does, he will lose his disability grant and I would still have to find him a job. And... I am not ready to go to work yet! But you know what... I surprised myself by being very compassionate to my ex and thanked him for all he had done so far. My Father in Heaven has not let me down yet... I know that whatever changes are ahead for us, we will still be blessed one way or another. All I need is to keep trust and faith…
 
In May 2012, I had been on the most incredible and life-changing holiday to Israel.  A holiday that my top supervisor and greatest mentor, Teria Shantall, had invited me on, on merit of my Logotherapy Advanced course studies at the end of 2011.  She was there at Unisa that incredible day in 2011, when I did my first ever presentation in front of a group… (my Advanced course examination presentation).  I was petrified that day, I don’t even know how I managed to see that presentation through, but I had prepared well, and with the support of my supervision team and fellow students, I DID IT!  And as I finished, everyone stood up clapping and cheering at me… it was one of those moments that seemed totally surreal… almost an out-of-body experience… as if I was dreaming it.  And then I heard Teria’s voice… “This is going to Israel!” And that was that… May 2012, I ended up having the most amazing holiday ever… in Israel with Teria and new friends who I met there, and I even presented to two groups there. 

For my website, I use the picture I took from a mountaintop that I stood on in Israel, showing a vast dry valley leading into the Dead Sea because while I stood looking at that dry barren scene from the top of that mountain that day, I literally visualised that one day, there would be loads of water flowing through that valley, filling up the Dead Sea and bringing NEW LIFE to so many people, animals, plants and all as a result... I felt it was symbolic of my own life of healing and coming more to my TRUE self and life as it was always meant to be for me.
 
But only two weeks after I’d arrived home from that incredible holiday in Israel experience, I received the devastating news that my ex was no longer going to pay maintenance.  From that moment on, my life turned upside down… financially, we were broken, my mental integrity, shattered… I had to move home by the end of the year… find somewhere else to live… possibly lose my three lovely dog-friends in the process.  I had to deal with mountains of STUFF that had been hoarded in my home over the years!  It was a nightmare… and impossible task that had to be done!  If it wasn’t for my daughter’s friend, a young Indian girl named, Saiesha, who came regularly to help my youngest son and I to sort through the STUFF!  I don’t think I could ever have survived that move.  My other children did what they could to help also, but they were no longer living nearby, so it was a little harder for them to be there for me.  And church friends helped too on the odd occasion. 
 
I suffered so much stress that year, that I developed type 2 diabetes… IT WAS A HARD-HARD YEAR!  But also, one with such incredible happenings and times… and one filled with moments of love and caring and goodness…
 
On the 5 July 2012, my niece, Andrea, celebrated her 21st birthday.  It was at her party that for the first time, my lifelong dream of dancing with my Dad came true.  I honestly thought I’d missed that golden opportunity, but it happened… a pivotal moment in my life… the memory of it, also helped to pull me through some of the worst times during the 2nd half of 2012.   
 
Here are two poems I wrote toward the end of that year, expressing the excruciating state-of-mind I was battling with as part of the grieving processes I was going through as the time came closer to moving away from all that I’d known for 30 years of my life.  I was really struggling greatly to get through that house move and all the sadness, loss, threat of loss, lonesomeness and uncertainty it involved! 
 
SADNESS!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Sadness wants to be who I am whether I like it or not
Surely this was not meant to be my eternal lot
It will not leave me – it will not let go
It is what it is – it is just so
All through the years sadness has chosen to stay
With its hunched back stance and it’s destroying way
There sadness just sits inside of me
Staring downward forlornly at a wet muddy sea
And the tears from my soul keep spilling down
And the lines on my face have engraved a sad frown
And I’m dying you know… a bit more each day
Because sadness won’t let me live and it won’t let me play
 
How dare sadness have such a hold on my heart
How dare sadness choose to tear me apart
How dare sadness rule who I am all my life
Twisting my soul causing nothing but strife
How dare grief overshadow my days and my nights
What about ‘my’ feelings? What about ‘my’ rights
But sadness cares nothing for who I should be
It just won’t let go its strangling grip on me
And so I am tortured each and every sad day
Where I am so lost I can’t find my way
 
Sadness has trapped me too long in its miserable dark world
Where no one can see I’m so sorely embattled
I must not allow its destructive treachery
I must rise against “it” to reclaim “life’s victory!”
And if I die before I succeed, please say to the world this of me
“She did all she could to be free
She never gave up her healing quest
She always worked hard to become her best”
She succeeded in bringing healing to the sad world out there
With all of her loving and all of her care.
 
~ Panayiota
(28 August 2012 – Please help me dear Father in Heaven… I so want to be happy)
 
HOW?
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How do I rid myself of the anger and pain
To rise from this turmoil that teeters on insane
How will I make it through the chaos and fears
That have tortured me daily all through the years
 
How do I risk continuing on this journey of life
When death won’t stop knocking and causing me strife
How do I stop the endless tears
That flow like the river of “Nobody Cares”
 
How do I learn to love who I am
Without more devastation caused by my guilt and shame
How can I forget what “they” did to me
How will I ever, ever be free
 
I have to believe that there must be a way
And just keep moving forward to face each new day
For someday a Miracle will switch on “the light”
Banishing the darkness of this endless, tormenting night.
 
~ Panayiota
(7th September 2012)
 
I sometimes wonder why I am tested with so many contrasts and ups and downs, but, whatever happens, I have learned that it is the contrasts that help me to REALLY THINK… TO WEIGH UP MY LIFE… to make better CHOICES… to learn to discern the differences between WRONG and RIGHT…  GOOD and BAD… TRUE and FALSE, and how to GROW and HEAL… taking on more and more RESPONSIBILITY and exercising my INTEGRITY in the process!  I want to get LIFE right!  I will NOT stop trying to do so. 
 
It seems as though I always have to FIGHT my way through the tough times, to reach the other side… many of those times are DO OR DIE situations… and somehow, I always, ALWAYS choose LIFE!  I believe that I am here for a purpose, and that gives my life the will to meaning that I need to keep moving forward. I also KNOW that I'm not alone in this world... Heaven is still with me and so often lets me know in one way or another.
 
I look at how far I’ve come since 2012… WOW!  And there must be more… I will not give up my quest for more healing and more growth until my last breath is taken in this world… NEVER!
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

I think time is going too fast for me to keep up... or I'm just doing too much at once again... it's crazy but wonderful at the same time. 
 
No real complaints except for sleep problems and struggling at times to stay connected... like, the night before last, woke wide awake at around 01h30... still awake at almost 3am... desperately tired and knew the day would be wasted if I didn’t sleep, so took 1/4 sleeping pill then... eventually fell asleep until just before 8am... late start to the day... remained groggy all day... had important reading/editing work to do, so that went in slow motion, because I was yawning so much and my eyesight was off all day... but... I eventually got it all done.  Thank goodness for a really patient colleague and boss. 
 
What kept me awake, believe it or not, was finding two of my ex daughter in law's old phone numbers on my phone... both phones had been stolen previously... both had profile pictures of other people on them... One a group of children, and the other a really kind looking parking guard… either they were the thieves/family of the thieves, or they were the people they sold/gave the phones to... it occurred to me that both phones must still have my number still on them!!! 
 
Why don't people wipe the contacts off when they steal a phone!  I was disturbed by this, and I don't know how wrong it is, but I wrote on both: 
 
"Are you aware that you are using a stolen phone?  At a time when we all need blessings; we need to earn our blessings also"
 
I didn't feel hate or anything like that when I wrote it. I just felt sorry for the people because I believe in karma and that it would find them… and I felt protective toward my ex daughter in law whose phones had been stolen, but also uncomfortable seeing the stranger’s faces on my ex daughter in law's phone and knowing they had my number still on those phones!  Why?  Surely if you steal a phone you remove all the contacts before making it your own, or giving/selling it to someone else?
 
The one with the children profile picture on it saw the message and never responded, but I blocked both after that.
 
Some news
Last week, one of my most special church friends visited with a bag of fresh salad for me and some pumpkin for Andrew from her and her family. What a lovely blessing... I LOVE my friends, Ellen, Debbie, Sharon and Noleen... Beautiful hearts.
 
Then on the 28th I attended another Logotherapy Zoom meeting with colleagues and students. It was so happy to see their faces and interact with them again, I nearly started crying with joy. I love my Logotherapy family so much!
 
Having my sister on our Logotherapy courses now is truly a miraculous blessing of JOY for my soul. It's been the most amazing blessing to say the least. I wish all my family and friends would study Logotherapy… I wish all the world would.
 
Lovely News
My son and his girlfriend sent photos of their 5 children also... I was so shocked... in a VERY GOOD way... to see how healthy, genuinely happy and free of worries my three grandchildren are looking now that they are living with their dad. The girls have lost weight and they are all looking more grown up and so much more confident. My son's girlfriend is so loving and absolutely adores my grandchildren, and it shows. It took them a while to get the children into a good routine and to respect a new and well-disciplined way of being, taking on certain responsibilities to increase their sense of worth and value, stop the boundary crossing behaviours, etc. but they are in such a good and healthy place right now.  I am so happy for my grandchildren you have no idea! Heaven answered this mother and grandmothers most desperate prayers on behalf of my son and grandchildren.   MIRACLES DO INDEED STILL HAPPEN WHERE TRUE LOVE IS CONCERNED… I am truly grateful.  
 
Thankfully
I still have a close relationship with my ex daughter in law, who is now 9-weeks pregnant by her boyfriend who she is staying with.  I’m really grateful that we are still close and that she is still included in her children’s lives via WhatsApp.  My son and his girlfriend are very accommodating and kind as far as my ex daughter in law goes.
 
SOCIAL DISTANCING!
I struggle to understand the mentality of some people... Via WhatsApp, we offered some left-over bottles of pickles to some young friends who I care about very much. They came the night before last to pick them up. The young girl, straight from her all-day work as a cashier, (dealing with lots of public, touching their money, etc. comes straight into my house... walks right up to me so delighted to see me and gives me a hug! Not even wearing a mask! The neighbours let her in their side of the gate and my youngest son had already opened the front door to take the pickles out to them. All I had time to say to her as she came straight to me, was: "Are you supposed to be coming in like that"... but, TOO LATE!
 
I love that she loves me and has missed me, but, I'm a 63-year-old type 2 diabetic woman... surely there should be some consideration during these times to care enough to protect me from COVID 19…?  She hugged my youngest son on her way in also, and she knows full well about his lung problems.  (He only has one third of a lung on the right side and suffers from bronchial asthma when he gets ill… VERY ILL!)  Both of us are HIGH RISK if we caught the virus!  Anyway... I still love her, but I wish she showed at least some care to protect us both from the possibility of catching the virus. 
 
Seeing things from her perspective
I tried to work out things from her perspective.  She’s young… but that’s not an excuse for not considering an older person or my son.  Also, I guess if you're working every day in a store surrounded by people coming in and out, the only thing that looks and feels different is the mask on every face!  But, otherwise, life must seem to be carrying on as normal for her.  She can’t “just know” that I’ve been out of my confinement only one day in 63-days, because I see the importance of taking care of and protecting myself and my son.
 
She loves and misses us… I do understand that… oh yes, I do… I love and miss them and my family and other friends too… I especially miss HUGS soooooooo much!  But… still not an excuse, if there’s the slightest chance of spreading the virus!
 
There's something to be said for exercising care of others when it's needed… also, when it’s LAW to do so!  Just saying!
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

I don't know if anyone remembers when our current neighbours moved in, how much they disturbed my sense of peace... sharing our carport between our two houses, they were always loud and drunk, bringing danger in the form of people who wanted to kill them.  Once the angry attackers even ripped off their side of the gate to gain access to them... and the bad language we were often subjected to was something else!  Lots of shouting and screaming, revving their cars that they were always working on right next to ours... exhaust fumes billowing into our house through the top of our roll-up garage door... there was noisy hooting, etc.

Lots of neighbours, including people in homes across the road and me, reported them and they were nearly kicked out a couple of times.

Then one day I decided, I was just going to accept and love them... and it worked so well, that they gained such a huge respect and love for me in return, that they quietened down considerably. And once they realised that I was a Logotherapist, they and even some of their visitors occasionally counselled with me as we stood together in our shared carport. There were no more bad and dangerous people coming to our gate... it was almost as if our neighbours started to protect me. I felt that they'd put themselves in harms way before they let anyone hurt me. Sometimes they would run to open the gate for me when I arrived home, and sometimes even stretch out their hand when I opened my car door to help me out. We shared veggies and little gifts from time to time and lots of kindness and love.

Once our church youth group came to sing Christmas carols outside our gate and we invited our neighbours, reeking with alcohol to join us. They enjoyed that time with us so very much and nobody rejected them for being different, half dressed, and drunk! They were welcomed lovingly ♥

It was so beautiful the way it all turned out... even the other neighbours learned to accept them and there was no more trouble...

Well... they just left, because the owners of the house wanted to come back and have kicked them out.

I don't do goodbyes well at all. Feeling sad, but grateful for the opportunity yet again, to prove that Love has the power to conquer all that is wrong in this world. 

Sometimes what we judge as wrong, is just a place where more love is needed... for giving and receiving. Maybe a place that does not necessarily need any fixing, but where instead, there are lessons for us to gain and learn from. 

​I learned to love my neighbours and feel loved by them also, and so, I'm sad to see them going.

The other neighbours who are moving  back in are another story for another day maybe... HUMPH!

Thanks for being here with me today.

​~ Panayiota

Today's pickings... lots of lettuce, because some were going to seed, so I needed to pull them out as they're casting too much shade. Smaller leaves, but still good enough for salads.

My son and I spent the whole morning in the garden catching up a bit out there... long overdue... loved every minute, but hoping to get back to some of my book editing work before this day is out! My son was very helpful until he fell on his rare end and hurt himself... but nothing serious thankfully.

Thanks for sharing and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

​~ Panayiota.

I don't even remember working on my book last year... and why did I give up again when I was so close to the end ??? My goodness me... talk about subconsciously trying to avoid this work!

I've been working on my book for around 12 years now.  I started it as a part of my Logotherapy studies.  If it wasn't for my logotherapy supervisors at the time I started writing my book, I would NEVER have been able to do it because it required so much very painfully uncomfortable re-hashing over my past! Putting together and trying to make sense of all the puzzle piece memories of my past and in the process, finding my way to healing from it all through my Logotherapy studies and reading that first little book which was such a blessing to my life... "Man's Search for Meaning", by Viktor Frankl (A wonderful life changing book).

Teria, Dr Kanda, Mark, Audrey and Henry all stand out as people who made me feel as though I was GOOD enough and LOVED AND ACCEPTED enough to write my book, and they gave me the courage to start... so, my first draft became a part of my Diplomate in Logotherapy study and it is how I managed to pass that course to receive the title of Logotherapist, which I truly am so grateful for.  A dream I'd never imagined had come true for me.  

“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

I must get my book done now!  If it looks like I'm going to stop again, please DON'T LET ME!!!

I'm amazed at how many editing-changes I still made to shorten and improve my book over the last week that I've been at it again... Maybe, just maybe, I was not ready to have it published before... maybe it needed to wait until now to finish it.

A lot has happened since last year! I found out this year, that my horrid stepfather-abuser was still alive and was right here in Johannesburg, somewhere in an old age home! I had to work through that horror! The huge dilemma of whether he should be reported or not, considering he now sits there with Alzheimer's!  It went against everything I believe in, to let him get away with the terrible things he did to me when I was a child, that has affected my life so much!  

Thank goodness for my mentor Teria, for helping me through that time, as I recorded on my blog. (Blog post: "Emotional Dilemma Solved ~ Healing Answers", written 23 February 2020). Her wisdom is phenomenal!

Others might have suggested, forgive and forget... That would have made me so angry and would never have worked! How does one forgive and forget a lifetime of suffering caused by such evil! Only God himself can decide my stepfather's and my other abusers fate... and He will... I believe in Karma, but I also believe very much in God's FAIR judgement.

My work is only, to not end up hating and bitter, or anything like my abusers! It is for me to do the work necessary to rise above what they did, and to be victorious over my sufferings... to take my life-lessons and make something GOOD out of it all... especially in the service of others.

This would be my way of showing my gratitude to LIFE (My God/Heaven), for preserving me and helping me to come this far and to be who I have become today to do the work I am doing now... to never-ever give up! This is my work... nothing more and nothing less!

THE BOOK MUST GET FINISHED THIS TIME AROUND!

Sorry I'm going on, but I really DON'T remember working on the book last year and getting so close to the end of it... AGAIN... it's unbelievable! Facebook memories are something else!

Thank you for sharing.

~ Panayiota

If you are interested in seeing more Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (LDI) posts, you can take a look back on some others I did this year.  I posted about 2 on the 6 March - then one 10 March and another 11 March.  With the most recent posted 25 April.   

To read my paper: "Some Thoughts on Daydreams and Logotherapy", visit:
https://medium.com/@logotherapysa/some-thoughts-on-daydreams-and-logotherapy-b5c8c96be148

For more on our new online Logotherapy courses, visit: www.vfisa.co.za