​My beautiful niece Brie, and her sweet little dog, Lucy.
 
The day after My Anne’s funeral, on Saturday, 2nd March, my sister’s brother in law, David, invited us all to the Olive Garden restaurant… Anne’s favourite place to go and eat.  Her mother was Italian, so she must have felt very connected to this restaurant, just as I had always felt very “connected-belonging” when going to Greek restaurants or spending time with my Greek family.  Anne had taken us to the Olive Garden restaurant in 2013 when my other far away sister, Shev (Sharon) and I visited, so it was very special to have the opportunity to go there again while I was visiting this time.  The food was delicious and company were lovey.  Three of Anne’s sons and two daughters in laws, and a whole lot of grandchildren included.  We had a very enjoyable time and the service and food there was great and very generous, just as I remembered it from our visit before.  I recommend it to anyone visiting Utah.  A big thanks to David for that wonderful time out with him and our family… that will always be a good memory for me.  

​Take note of the dregs of beautiful snow still lying around from a previous snowfall.  Besides that, the sky was mostly blue and the weather comfortably crisp and lovely for a few days after I arrived.
 
Whilst at my niece, Brie’s house in Utah, I enjoyed getting to know her and my two adult nephew’s, John and Rich, a whole lot better, as well as Brie and Rich’s four children, (my great-niece and three great-nephews).  I spent a lot of time with my great-niece, sewing with her.  She made me a little felt heart that I love. I use it now that I’m home on my computer chair, tucked behind my lower back and it’s helping a lot with the stiffness I get in that area quite a bit these days… I imagine, from sitting for long hours each day.  

​The older of the great nephews, I also loved getting to know, especially as I remember how much my sister loved him from the moment he was born… she used to write a lot about him and his gentle loving nature, and all that he got up to, and she also wrote a lot about her other older grandson’s whom she sadly, as far as I know, had not had a chance to see for a while when she passed away.  My other two little great-nephews were very sweet and won my heart…
 
As much as I absolutely LOVE small children, I’m not very good with wining, or crying children, because it does trigger real fear and anxiety in me from my childhood (long story… and I worked hard to make sure my own children never had reason to wine or cry, or even argue or fight… for the sake of my own sanity… which I now believe, was probably not ideal for their own emotional growth)… but thankfully, I did have an escape at Brie’s house when I needed it… to my sister’s room where I stayed while I was there, so it wasn’t too difficult for me. 
 
I loved being in my sister’s room during my stay.  I felt warm and comfortable there… I felt safe and hugged in her water bed.  I don’t think I’ll ever want a water bed though… it’s not easy to get in and out of at all!
 
I can’t explain, but I actually miss all the children… I really got to love them a whole lot, and probably more so, because I knew how much my sister loved them, especially the older two who I got to know more easily than the little ones.  By the last night there, the third child, (a little boy who was referred to as “The Lone Ranger” by his family, because he seemed to enjoy his own company a lot), jumped off of his chair into my arms for the first time when Brie told him I’d be leaving the next day… so just as I had really gotten close to him at last, I was gone the next day… I gained a particularly soft spot for him also and the littlest one who had a smile that could melt anybody’s heart. 
 
And Lucy… their little dog… I wish I could have taken her home.  I loved that little dog and she loved me too… such a sweet little girl who loved being loved.
 
On Sunday 3rd February, Brie and Rich took us to their church and that was also a lovely experience.  In front of us in the congregation were two disabled boys belonging to two different families.  One of these boys shouted out uncontrollably and very loud every now and then, whilst the other struggled with uncontrollable movements at times… I believe and KNEW that I was in the company of great spirits… not here in this world for their own progression, but rather to test and help us with our own progression.  I felt a great love for them both and their families.
 
The chapel in the picture below, was the one where my Anne’s funeral service was held.  Just look how beautiful is this chapel with the snow-speckled mountains in the background.  I’d love to live in such a beautiful place.

After church, I was picked up by a very dear friend of mine who used to live in South Africa. 
 
Cheryl and I became best of friends over a difficult time in my life where I needed someone as gentle, kind and understanding as she is.  She was training to be a homeopath at the time, and I was suffering greatly with the consequences of my obesity and living with extreme stress overload back then.  I weighed 127.7 kg’s (281.5 lbs).  I was enormous… had high blood pressure, water retention, migraines, boils and abscesses (undiagnosed diabetes and undiagnosed acute gout attacks and was often disabled by agonizing pain with swelling in one area of my body or another).  I had many more negative health issues, including heart palpitations and breathing struggles, sleep apnea, etc.… I was a very sick woman, both physically and mentally.  Around then was also the time that the transference and countertransference happened in therapy and I was totally broken by it all.  I had started to self-injure, and to say I was a basket case in my late 40’s, was an understatement.  I was also dealing with our big house move which of itself, was and extremely overwhelming and highly traumatic experience for me.
 
I believe I was literally dying, but having lost trust in all the world, I refused to go to doctors!  Part of me just didn’t care anymore.  I was only staying alive for the sake of my children, but even they had been leaving home and moving on with their lives and the empty nest syndrome had also debilitated me greatly on an emotional level… I had always been petrified of doctors anyway, and not being on a medical aid, there was no ways I was going to make a habit of going to government hospitals anymore, “…unless I am dragged there on my deathbed and unconscious”, I used to say.  So, there was no hope of really dealing with all that had gone wrong, health wise.  Up until then, another dear friend’s mother who worked at a clinic, kindly supplied me with the medications I needed… but there were never any blood tests, etc. to prove what I needed. I just used my nursing skills along with hers to guess what I would need, and it all seemed to work well enough to keep me going.  Neither of us had picked up on diabetes or gout though… (she never saw me often enough to know exactly what I was going through), so those conditions continued to bring down and destroy my health, functioning and happiness, without the correct treatment. 
 
Cheryl came along just when I needed her most.  She was already a good friend who I’d known for some time.  We shared an interest in gardening and I shared a lot of my garden plants with her… I even did a painting of one of her roses once which she says she still has.

Cheryl needed clients to work on during her studies, so she asked if I would be one of her clients and because I trusted her friendship so much already, and was really suffering, especially with the painful abscesses and acute gout attacks, I agreed.  Cheryl was amazing.  She remembers that I wouldn’t let her do any physical examinations on me for some time (which were all an important part of her training requirement needs), because of my fears of allowing anyone to get too close.  I cannot even let someone manicure my nails or do a facial on me, so that’s a problem I’ve always struggled with as a result of child abuse, but it had become much more exaggerated due to the abuse of my two husbands that I was now divorced from, and it had become even worse after all that had gone so horribly wrong during my therapy which had devastated my trust in the world, including my religious worldview, and I even lost trust in my own being.
 
Cheryl seemed to have a sixth sense about how to work with me.  She was so gentle and so compassionate and patient.  I’m sure that my fearful behaviour must have hindered her progress for her studies, but she did not allow that to phase her at all… she saw me as her patient and treated me according to my needs, and not her own… she put me first, which I believe is a great sign of a true healer, even on the very level of the soul.  Cheryl was able to help me immensely, even lancing huge abscesses for the first time, and making sure that I was properly medicated.  I experienced a lot of healing during my time in her care, both physically and mentally… I was truly blessed… Life had made sure that I was to get through the worst, and once again, I knew that I was not alone in this world… and I was reminded, that my life surely has a purpose and that I had to live for whatever purpose that I was created to BE and DO.
 
Anyway, I was further blessed during my time in Utah, to have spent that lovely afternoon with Cheryl and her dear husband Cecil.  First, we relaxed together in their lovely home, our feet up on comfortable chairs and we chatted and caught up on our lives a little… then lunch and more relaxing.  After that, they took me for a ride up to the Spanish Fork Canyon, to a place called Diamond Fork. 
 
Traveling through the Utah National Forest, we were all surprised to see a moose standing on the side of the road, and some other sightseeing photographers pointed us in the right direction to see a cougar that we had missed… it was sitting in a tree a little distance away from the edge of the road.  We also saw plenty deer on both sides of the road.  They were beautiful, contrasted against the snow.

I can’t even explain how excited I was to see all these lovely animals in their natural habitat, but even Cheryl and her husband were very excited, because they had never seen a moos or cougar there before.  Once again, I wondered if my sister had organized this lovely surprise for us all from the other side of the veil where she is now, because she wanted me to really enjoy my short time there and to give me some great memories and distractions to help me through her passing.  That would be so typical of her… she would do everything in her power to make sure that I’d get through the time of her passing as comfortably and pain-free as possible… she was that loving, thoughtful and kind.
 
On the way back to the car, after looking at the cougar in the tree, I slipped on ice, landing on my tuffet in a thick cushion of snow.  It was a very soft landing, so all was good… and what a good laugh we had.  Cheryl, a short woman, came to help me up… the more we laughed, the harder it was for both of us.  That was so funny!  I was amazed that my dress was not wet when I got up… Snow is actually dry, until it has reason to melt!  A new discovery for me!
 
The Utah National Forest area is so beautiful… we were driving through a mountain pass, and the mountains were covered in snow.  There was a little winding stream in a valley to our right as we drove up the mountain, and it was truly so beautiful to see it cutting through the snow.  I wished I’d taken a photo of it, but I was too distracted by the beauty we were driving in, and somehow forgot.
 
The sun was setting fast, and it was dark by the time we were leaving there… Cecil took a wrong turn and we ended up in a very dark and remote area where we had to turn the car around… I suddenly felt a deep fear, because where I live in South Africa, that could have proved to be a very dangerous place.  Cheryl and her husband had to remind me that we were not in South Africa anymore, and that it was perfectly safe where we were, in Utah. 
 
(It must be surreal to live in a place like that, with so little to fear.  I noticed how during my stay in Utah, I was guarding my bag on my trolley when we were shopping and asking my niece to watch it when I left it on the trolley to go try on the clothing that she was buying for me.  She must have thought it was quite strange for me to worry so much about my bag, just as I felt it was quite strange to not have to worry about such things while I was there on the other side of the world.)
 
Cheryl and Cecil took me to look at their beautiful Payson City Temple where they told me they were sealed, and that too was something beautiful to see.  Their temple was lit up against the night sky, with lights reflecting on the snow below.  It was a very windy night and the wind freezing cold.

The Payson City Temple
 
When they dropped me off back at Rich and Brie’s house, I was sad to say goodbye to them… my dear friends, but at least I had enjoyed the blessing of seeing Cheryl again and meeting her lovely husband for the first time.  I felt so happy for her to have discovered such love in a good man, and also to be living in such a beautiful place.
 
Monday, 4th February, Brie took me to buy some under garments which I was sorely in need of, and then took me to Walmart, where I decided to spend a small amount of the money I’d taken with, on some odds and ends.  Brie bought me two lovely black skirts and a well-fitting bra… Oh my goodness me… there’s nothing like a good bra when one has lost tons of weight as I have, it’s like night and day… hahaha!  I am so grateful to her, for her beautiful heart and for spoiling me so much.  After that, she drove up to higher ground to see some million $ houses… shew… those were something else! 
 
On Tuesday, 5th February, Brie and I spent a lovely quiet day together, and I helped her a bit with some catching up on her housework.  While we were busy, we realised that there was sleet falling outside… a sure sign of snow on the way… I was so excited!
 
Well, Utah didn’t just get snow… I got to witness one of the biggest snowfalls in Utah, in the last 12 years.  Up till then on my stay, there had been a little melting snow on the ground here and there when I arrived, but lovely sunny skies and not so cold at all.  But, by the day after the sleet started to fall, everything was beautifully snow covered and the snow just kept falling.  In some places it was as much as a foot deep, and on the mountains I believe, there were falls as much as 5 foot deep!  That’s just unfathomable to me. 
 
Brie commented that she thought that Anne had organized the big snowfall also for my stay, because she would know how much I would love that… and I sure did love it very much. 
 
My family back in South Africa double dared me to make a snow angel, one even triple dared me… they really didn’t need to at all… I was absolutely delighted to have the opportunity at last, even at the age of 62 years, it was so much fun!  Another childhood wish come true for me!

​Brie and Rich took me and their children bowling before we left.  That was fun… I don’t think my aim was too good, but I still did a few good shots that I could be proud of… Brie on the other hand was an absolute bowling pro in comparison… haha!  Go Brie!  It was lovely to spend that time with them, just having fun together as a family.  My Anne must have been smiling down on us all.

They also took me to see the Timpanogos temple near their home.  The huge and beautiful mountain behind their house with the same name… Mt Timpanogos.  It was so cold and snowing when we got out of the car to take pictures that they were literally done on the run, so I’m glad the photos turned out so well.

​Before I left, we went to take one last pass by my dear Anne’s gravesite.  There was nothing much to see, but the snow covering the whole graveyard, and Anne’s beautiful flowers poking through the snow.  I thought how fitting it was to see just the lovely white flowers poking out through the white snow, as my last memory of the place where she was buried.  It was so beautiful to me. 

​On Thursday 7th February, Brie drove me to the airport in Salt Lake City where I left Utah and my lovely family and friends there, to come home.  Because I was booked for “passenger assist”, they would have pushed me in a wheelchair to where I needed to be.  Brie blessed me with Anne’s wheelchair as a gift.  It is a beautiful, and more comfortable one than the one I had for the times I suffered acute gout attacks (luckily none since 2017)… my dear Greek mom’s old wheelchair.  I will continue to use that one to help me transport all my mountains of stuff up and down the long corridors at Unisa when I attend workshops, unless I find someone who has a greater need for it in the meantime… it has been very helpful for the workshops.
 
Our last hug
For some reason, better known to my heart, I want to finish off this post, with this photo…
 
My sister Anne and I hugging at the airport on my last visit to Utah in 2013.  I think I want to use it now, to somehow connect our last real sisterly hug, with the HUG I experienced during my stay in Utah this time… in 2019… almost as if I felt her hug once more while I was there now. 
 
Although tears rise when I look at this picture, it is also a comfort to me, with my little sister, Shev there too, looking on lovingly… she was also always THERE with me, and for me during the hardest times of our lives as children living through abuse, and she is still HERE in my life today, even though she too lives on the other side of the world… We still have e-mail and WhatsApp, and I still have her LOVE… she has also never given up on me and I’m able to tell her often how much I LOVE her too, and for that, I am so very, very grateful.

Good bye for now my  beloved Anne… until we meet again ♥
 

​Thank you for sharing with me
 
~  Panayiota

​This has to be the hardest blog post to write, not only because it’s about the funeral visit of my sister, but also because so much has happened over this time, that I don’t know what on earth I will be able to remember and make sense of here… all seems too overwhelming and I’d rather not write about it, but at the same time, I won’t be able to rest until I do and feel it is safely stored outside of me... so, I will try.
 
As mentioned in a previous blog post, (My Beloved Sister Anne ~ May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You - Posted 19/2/2019), my dear niece, Brie, let me know that my sister (in-law), had suffered a series of strokes, and on the 29th, Brie let me know that my Anne had passed away on the 28th in Utah (their time being 9 hours before ours in South Africa).  I was devastated beyond words, because just like with my Greek mom who died in 2004, I could not imagine this world without my Anne in it. 
 
Anne, just like my own sister who also lives on the other side of the world from me, had been one of my most steadfast and faithful friends over all the years I’d known her, and she was one person who stood by me through all my ups and downs and she never gave up on me no matter what.  During the years I was married to her narcissistically abusive brother, she wrote to me daily… her support was true and filled with love and meaning, because she of all people, understood what my children and I were going through living with that man.   Anne was always there for me (I was there for her too), and she always believed in me… she was never ashamed of me and was my biggest supporter on my blog.  She did not hide her (known) name here… Patricia Shaw… and seemed proud and honoured to be related to me and a real part of my life.  As mentioned in the previous post, Anne too had known child abuse, so she believed in what I was doing on my blog… she gave me confidence and helped me to believe in what I am doing here also… my Anne’s unconditional love and acceptance of me was pure and true…
 
My world is feeling a very lonely place now that she is gone.  I will miss my Anne’s support here, and right now, this is the source of my deep sadness, because this is where I needed most what she gave to me in acknowledging and accepting who I have become today, along with all my chaotic thoughts and emotions, etc. 
 
Who could as authentically and honestly, be that for me now… WHO?  I believe that my faraway sister would if she could but, I believe that she does not have the time or energy to keep up with all my blogging “stuff”… and I understand and accept that, because I understand her life circumstances.  Sweet Brie said that she would take over from my Anne, to be there for me… I think that would be a tough task to take on for such a young friend, because I have experienced that very few can withstand or even understand my constant ups and downs, but how lovely is my niece for wanting to try… and I believe she will too... Bless her dear heart ❤
 
My Anne’s passing has left me feeling quite alone in the world… something I can’t explain.  Others have gotten that close to me before, but have eventually tired of me, or become angry and pulled away… she never did… (the tears just keep running)...  I was there for her too… she suffered a lot in her later years… cancer… cancer treatment lung damage… on oxygen most of the time… in a wheelchair… diabetes type 2, kidney failure and regular dialysis, etc.  I once did a Logotherapy dream interpretation on her childhood daydream world which helped her so much… we were very close…
 
I now understand better at last, Frankl’s quote: “Having been is the surest way of being.” (Frankl, 2006, p.121) I had with my sister, what very few have ever known or recognised in this world… one of the greatest treasures for the heart and soul ever ❤ I also understand better the quote, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all” ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson
 
Anne’s was the purest form of true love that I have ever known, other than what I’d shared with my younger sister throughout our lives.
 
On January the 28th, before my Anne’s passing, I woke in the morning to the sound I’d missed for quite a while… the very loud chirping of a little sparrow outside my window.  That was such a delight to my soul… I hadn’t heard him in ages, so I knew that was a sign once again, that I was not alone while I struggle with my fears that my sister might die.  I have not heard the little bird outside my window again since, but I am comforted for the gift of it’s sweet chirping and rejoicing to the world on that day.  The 28th was the day my sister passed away on the other side of the world and I was reminded that in all the horrors of this world, there is still reason to rejoice in each new day that I am blessed to live and experience… to have yet another chance to grow in wisdom and strength… another day of healing possibilities… my sister would have wanted me to think in this way… to see the light shining through all of the darkness that keeps coming and trying to consume me.
 
On the January 29th, I received the news of my sister’s passing, and on the same day, it was my other near-by sister in law’s birthday. 
 
I wrote on Facebook:
Please forgive me for not being able to go over your messages yet today... every time I try to read, I want to cry and it's easier not to feel too much right now... I've been deliberately keeping too busy today, so I don’t have to cry...
 
It’s my other sister (in law), Irene's birthday breakfast this morning, and that helped to take my mind off of things for a while and it was lovely to be with her and my littlest sister and dad, but the minute I got home I started to cry again... then my dear Logotherapy colleague visited and that was a special distraction... then I needed to go pick the children up from school for aftercare and then my sister in law invited me to an early supper with her and our family.
 
I don't want to think about my sister's passing today... I actually feel a little angry at Life for taking her away... but that's selfish and I just need some time please... I hope you understand...
 
Keeping busy is helping me to block the pain as best as I can... I'm sure I will be able to connect with you all again tomorrow and will make sure I have a good night’s sleep so I can... Thank you so much for being here, even when I feel I can't be... you are all so loved.
 
I also feel quite guilty about going out to celebrate my other sister in law's birthday, (as if I'm supposed to be sitting here crying instead... but surely that's not honouring my Anne) but at the same time... I love this other sister in law also and it is her birthday today... and I know that my sister in Heaven would prefer me to be out with my family which is in its own way healing for us all (after recent family struggles), instead of sitting here crying about my Anne… I know that would make her so sad also.
 
You have all done so much responding over the last few days... what a difference you have made... so I don't expect anyone to respond to this one also. This is just an update.
 
Goodnight everyone and love to you all.
 
Well, as usual, many of my FB friends did respond and so kindly too.  I particularly loved the response from my nephew John, from the other side of the world.  He wrote:
 
“You have no need to feel guilty aunt Pan. She loved you so much and would not want that. She'd rather you be celebrating life with friends and family, enjoying it to the fullest, than focusing on the sad side.”
 
So, on the day of my sister’s passing, I did share in the celebration of my sister-in-law, Irene’s birthday breakfast and supper.  By some lovely twist of fate, my son’s work closed early that night and he was able to join us for supper which was really special, and I know that the terrible pain I could have wallowed in all day, was prevented by the synchronicity of Life that always seems to happen at just the right moment in time.  It is these synchronicities that happen so often in my life, that keep on reminding me, that I am not alone in this world… none of us ever are.  We are being watched over and loved during every life event that we go through… good or bad. 
 
This reminds me of one of my favourite poems:
 
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
 
God moves in mysterious ways
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
 
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His Bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.
 
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
 
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
 
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
 
Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
 
~ William Cowper
 
 
30th January 2019
Was I ever in for a surprising day! Everything happened so fast and unexpectedly. 
 
I received a message from Brie:
“Pats funeral will be Friday. We were hoping you could come we will fly you out.  I think Pat would love that.  It would have to be on Wednesday to make the funeral.”
 
(Just a reminder to avoid confusion… I knew my sister as Anne, but most of everyone on her side of the world knew her as Pat)
 
Well, I could have fainted when I received Brie’s message.  IMPOSSIBLE was all I could think.  It was already Wednesday on my side of the world and she was telling me to fly on that very day… I was dumbfounded… filled with a myriad of other emotions at the very thought. 
 
I responded in a series of messages: (shortened below)
Are you talking about my Anne's funeral being this week?  It's already Wednesday... how could I ever do everything so soon that I'd be leaving here today... I can't even imagine how it would be possible...What I'd give to be standing with you at Pat's funeral, to support you at that moment in time when you say your last goodbye... but honestly Brie... how could I do that today... how could all of it be arranged so quickly... I just can't imagine that it would be possible... not even from your side... I wouldn't even know where to start to make it happen.  And surely dearest Brie... that's a huge amount of money from your side too and I am sure that Pat would want you to use that to bless your own lives right now.  Oh, my Brie... thank you for suggesting it... you are such a sweet angel... I love you so much ❤ ❤ ❤
😍
 
Brie
Rich said if you can't come now then we need to plan for you to come out to meet my little ones and see where your Anne is laid to rest. We feel like all of our family is gone... we lost the last family we had. You were Anne's and now your ours! ❤
 
Me
My dearest Brie, I still can't believe it would be possible, but My daughter in law tells me it is, so this would be entirely up to you and your finances... I have a feeling this is far too expensive, because it would be about R20 000 for a return flight and that would be about USD 1471.38... that's a lot of money my Brie and you'd still need to feed me while I'm there.  I live mostly on salads and some meats and egg white, etc.
😍 It must be in the middle of the night there and I can't believe we were both writing at the same time.  Anyway... see what you think... I'm happy with another time, or to leave tonight... my goodness me... sounds impossible, but my daughter in law assures me it would be possible... and yes… I am your family forever.  My daughter in law said that if you were going to book for tonight she's already researched flights... it would need to be Delta airlines... Johannesburg to Atlanta with the one that has a four hour layover and then onto Salt Lake City... and with wheelchair assistance, because I would be too scared to try and get to all where I'm supposed to be on my own.  I'm happy with now or another time my dear Brie and Rich... so there would be no rush depending on your finances... I have no money.  I'd probably travel with R1000 with help from family, just so I can buy water on the way or something, but that's all... I wouldn't even be able to bring you gifts, but I would bring you my TRUE LOVE... that's all I have and some REAL HUGS too... ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Well, everything went crazy from that moment on… I still can’t believe that making a HUMONGOUS decision like that at the start of the day and being on the plane that same night was a possibility… Shew… I don’t get around much do I!
 
Luckily, my multiple entry visa to the USA was still active.  My last trip to the states was in 2013, when my far away sister invited me to visit her in Canada in support of my desire to attend the 19 World Congress of Logotherapy in Dallas Texas.  She wanted to join me at the congress, where I was to present my work.  My beautiful sister and her husband covered all the financial side of my trip and while I was in the USA, my sister also accompanied me on a visit to our Anne in Utah.  That was a treasured time for the three of us to spend time together and just share in the love we had for each other.  I will be forever grateful for that beautiful time as sisters altogether.

​My Anne in the white floral shirt and my lovely sister Shev (Sharon), standing behind us. 
 
I was also in a wheelchair for my entire visit to the USA in 2013.  I had unfortunately developed an acute gout attack just prior to leaving on my trip, due to too much excitement and fear of the scary world of travelling so far on my own.  I even had to present to the group at the Logotherapy World Congress, standing with crutches.  Those were the days that I refused to take medication for the pain… but all that stopped in 2017 after the worst acute gout attack ever that occurred after my devastating computer crash… from then on, I’ve taken medication whenever I felt it necessary and I have not had another acute attack since then, thankfully.  Poor Shev had to push me everywhere, because I could not use my aching swollen foot at all.  She is the most loving and caring sister ever and my time with her at the World Congress of Logotherapy in Dallas, Texas and most of my entire journey with her was one of the happiest times in my life. 
 
I don’t mind that our three sisters photo ended up so blurry, because it kind of represented the very short time I had with my Anne… that it went by in a flash and a blur… but the joy on all of our faces is all I need to remember.  What a wonderful sisters-together-time that was.  I had only really started to lose weight by the start of 2013, so I was still rather hefty at the time of this photo.
 
The trip to Utah on Wednesday evening 2019, to attend my sister Anne’s funeral.
My 2nd son and daughter in law did all that they could to assist me to get ready and to be at the airport on time, even though we’d only made that decision that morning.  They went above and beyond to help me, so that everything would go smoothly and gave me the confidence I needed to begin this great and very rushed adventure. 
 
From the moment the decision for me to go was made, my tummy became upset and stayed that way for almost my entire stay in the USA, so it was even more important that I had the isle seat on the plane. 
 
My greatest fear for flying, was that my diet is so restricted now, that I did not know how I would cope on the plane.  I took with whatever I could in my bag, but still the fear remained, because it was going to be a 21-hour trip and no shops I could just pop into easily along the way for exactly what I needed for my dietary requirements.
 
Soon after boarding the plane, an lovely Air flight attendant named Sandy introduced herself to me… when I plucked up the courage, I told her how worried I was about my diet, because the first meal that arrived was practically inedible for me and my needs. 
 
From the menu, I chose chicken thigh with oriental stir fry and basmati rice… when it arrived, it was a small tray with a small section of what looked like small cubes of chicken in gravy filling half of a small section and the other half the stir fry. 
 
So for starters, I am not supposed to eat anything with seed oils, so the stir fry was a problem, but I ate it after removing any ground and pumpkin type vegetables… that left about a tablespoon of what looked like spinach… spinach is high in purines which can trigger gout, so not ideal… ground vegetables and pumpkin type veggies, have sugars in them, so they are not ideal for diabetes… keeping in mind, that I am totally controlling my diabetes and gout with diet alone… it is very rarely that I take anything for aching joints, and I never take anything for the diabetes, because that is so well under control… I don’t even test for sugar anymore… it’s totally unnecessary.   I even had to search for my sugar tester to take with, because I thought I’d better as I was worried about what I’d have to eat while I was away and felt I might need to  monitor myself in any emergency situations, so that I’d know what to tell someone, if I needed help.  I even took my very old and outdated (2012) Glycomin tablets with, for just in case.  I am definitely one to think ahead of all the possible emergency scenarios, so I was well prepared. On the tray was also a tiny salad… if I remember right, it had a few chunks of cucumber in it… maybe three of four cherry tomatoes, but the rest was chick peas… I had to take them out, because they contain too much carbs for my diet.  (I can eat tomatoes… they don’t seem to trigger my gout at all… I believe it’s different for everyone).  There was also a lovely pudding on my plate, but I could not eat any of it as it contained carbs and sugars.
 
So, when I had a chance, I asked the flight attendant, Sandy, if she could help me.  I told her that because my diet was Banting based, I could only eat the right fats, and needed those to balance my sugars… (seed oils could trigger the gout), so she brought me a bunch of little individually wrapped butters.  She also brought me an apple, which I could eat as a quick sugar booster if I felt my sugar was getting too low.  She was so kind to me.  She made sure I had milk when I needed it, which contains just enough fats and sugars to keep the sugar balanced also.  I asked to be woken mid-flight for a snack… and when the Chicken on Ciabatta with tomato pesto arrived, all I could eat, was the chicken, and thankfully it was a fair amount that was stuffed into that little bread type roll. 
 
For breakfast the menu options was “cheese cigar omelet with grilled bacon, or pancakes with mixed berry coulis and vanilla custard sauce”… I couldn’t eat any of that… so, Sandy had also given me a good few little wrapped blocks of cheese, which were lifesavers!  I generally try not to eat too much dairy or fats, but in this case, I had no option.  I don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t for that flight attendant angel named Sandy.  Her presence alone helped me immensely in feeling safe on the flight… I was not alone. 
 
Another wonderful miracle happened for me on that flight.  I’d ended up with a back row of three seats all to myself.  As a result, I was able to lie down to sleep.  I honestly believed that my sister had somehow managed to organize that from the other side of the veil, not only the trip for me, but also those three seats.  I felt the blessing of her love.
 
But by the morning, I had developed a terrible headache… I thought it was due to tiredness, because it was a restless night.  I had totally forgotten what water retention felt like, because I hadn’t had it for so many years due to better health habits.  By the time I realised it was water retention, it was already very far gone, and my head was throbbing terribly!  I felt positively ill… it was too late to take a water pill because we were soon to land… (believe it or not, for some reason, I’d thrown those in my bag also in the rush before leaving home… for just in case… and they were also very outdated!)  Being so close to the airport by the time I realised it was water retention, I was too scared to take a water pill, because I never knew if I’d be able to get to the bathrooms every half an hour once the pill started to work… so I had to wait.  I took the pill as soon as Brie got me to her house… they also dosed me with something to help with my splitting head.
 
On the morning I arrived at the Salt Lake City airport, after traveling for 21 hours, it was Thursday morning 10h10, because I’d gone backwards in time on the flight… the whole time thing is all very confusing to my mind. 
 
Preparing my sister for our last goodbye to her
On the same day I arrived, I went with Brie and three of my Anne’s sons (my nephews), and her other daughter in law and a friend, to the chapel where we were to help dress Anne, in preparation for her burial.  I had previously helped prepare friends who had passed on, for their burial, but never had I ever experienced it as beautiful as I did on this day for my sister. 
 
The Utah Valley Mortuary, is attached to my sister’s church there, and therefore catered for the requirements of burials according to her faith.  I was so impressed with how lovely it was all done and my headache faded very quickly once I arrived there with my family. 
 
We were greeted kindly and warmly, (like good friends) by the gentleman in charge of the place.  He did not look like a scary mortician at all, but rather a brother or uncle, dressed neatly in a suit with a white shirt and tie.  He invited us into a large room where my sister was lying on a table.  She was dressed in a beautiful long white dress, with her arms folded across her chest.  I don’t have much of a visual memory at all… I have never had much in the way of visual memories… like I can’t shut my eyes now and see what I saw then… I just have vague memories… the large room… remembering beautiful furniture, even though I can’t see it in my mind… and I can remember, but not see anymore, that my sister looked so peaceful. 
 
The people at the funeral home had already washed and dressed her and even applied some hints of makeup, so that she looked as if she was just sleeping.  Some of us even thought we caught her smiling… that’s just how peaceful she looked.  There was beautiful music playing, but so very softly and so distant, that I imagined that I was hearing it coming from Heaven.  Maybe that was the intention.
 
When I stood by my sister’s side, I cried… it was the reality I needed to prove she was gone… so I guess she knew that a trip to the USA was most needed if I was to ever accept her death.  (now the tears return as I write this… just remembering that moment in time again).  I kissed her on her cheek and told her I loved her.  We each there, had our special moment with her and then, according to their religion, we all had a hand in helping to finish dressing her… A white veil on her head, white slippers on her feet, a white cape over her dress and apron also.  In her hands, if I remember right, was a white handkerchief.  I was so impressed that her sons were sharing this experience with us.  I’d only ever experienced the preparing of a person for burial with other women, so this was something new and wonderful for me to witness.
 
Once my Anne was dressed and looking like an angel lying there ready for her burial the next day, I remember us standing around her bed and… I can’t remember anything much else… I remember we all had a good cry… and I remember breaking down in tears, and mentioning how much she believed in me and supported me throughout all the years we’d known each other.  How it didn’t matter whether I was angry, or made mistakes, or what, she never gave up on loving me… her loving support was the one constant I could always rely on and I wondered how I could live without that now.  I remember mentioning also, how she was my greatest support on my blog… never ashamed of what I shared here… she openly left her comments of love and support, even with her full name there… Patricia Shaw… the last time she commented was on 13th January this year… (13 was her favourite number… I wonder if there’s any significance in that).  For some reason, thinking that I’d never have her commenting on my blog posts again, caused me more sadness than anything else about losing her.  I think that was because her loving comments were her way of really authenticating me here… she believed in me… she supported my posts, even when I believe that so many others negatively judge them or are just here for the sake of curiosity and gossip.  My Anne was consistent with her love and support… I could rely on her always being there for me… and somehow that reliance was now shattered into a million pieces… all I had left, was my belief, that I have true friends in Heaven, and that she would be added among them now.  

​I wondered how my Anne would let me know she was with me… my brother had found a way and some others also… but how would my Anne show me her presence I wondered?  I had to believe that she would, or, I knew that I would not be able to bare her complete absence in my life.  (She did find a way… I will share about that sometime, but in the meantime, I think about the sudden opportunity to be able to go to her funeral on the other side of the world… the beautiful, kind flight attendant, Sandy… and those three empty seats that I could lie down on during the flight).
 
One of the last things my Anne wished for on that last comment she made on my blog post that I posted on the 11th January, was:
 
“I hope with all my heart that your fund raising for a bike for Shem will truly come to pass. What a wonderful man he is.”
 
I never did receive the amount of R1000 that I requested for Shem, but he has since managed to purchase a better than nothing previously owned bike.
 
Friday, February 1st ~ My Anne’s Funeral – our last goodbye
Once again, I can’t remember everything.  I needed to look at the funeral service program right now, just to remember what time we went to the chapel where my sister’s open white casket was placed in the corner of a lovely room with chairs all around.  (I would love to be buried in a white casket when it’s my time to leave this world).  It was just perfect for my sister and I remember thinking that it was beautiful.  In the passage outside the door, my nephews had set up a TV with streaming of many photos of “favourite moments of Anne’s life” showing in rotation.   Those were so lovely to see also. 
 
I sat in that room and some lovely young women from my sister’s church came to talk to me.  They made me feel loved and accepted there.  For some reason, I can’t remember talking to anyone else, other than two of my sister’s very special friends who she had written so kindly about to me over the years.
 
People were going up to my sister’s casket to say their last goodbyes… I remember seeing some members of her church coming in and setting up a board filled with their photographic memories of Anne on a table in the room… when I saw that, I started to cry… I don’t know why.  I think maybe it was because I could see that someone else loved her enough, to do something so special for her on her goodbye day.  My heart was warmed by their love.
 
Somewhere along the line, I think it was the funeral director, who came to ask me if I wanted to go say a last goodbye to my sister in her open casket.  I was kind of glued to my seat, not wanting to say goodbye, but my sister’s brother in law, David, a gentle man, stepped forward and took my hand, escorting me up to her coffin where I said my goodbye… I think I was crying… I remember my nephew was sitting nearby and I didn’t want to upset him, so tried to hold it in… but I think I didn’t succeed very well.
 
After that, all I remember is being in the chapel… beautiful speeches about my sister’s life and how much she was loved and how much she did for all who knew and loved her.  I remember someone played the piano… and a young lady played the violin… I remember “Amazing Grace”… I can’t remember if that was the violinist or the bagpiper who played that… both played so beautifully… I remember that much and thinking how pleased my sister would be… she loved bagpipes in particular, and I was so happy for her that she had those playing to send her off.  The piper was dressed in his full Scottish outfit… kilt and all… he was lovely.
 
Then we were standing beside her grave… there was no piles of sand… no mud and stones to stumble over… everything was so neat and perfect, with the inside of the grave and edges neatly covered in green cloth… I’d never experienced that before.
 
I think the bagpiper standing a little way off was already playing when we arrived… it all feels like a far distant memory to me now… I wonder where my mind goes off to sometimes, because I have such a patchy memory!  I just remember how lovely his playing was… a film from my childhood came to mind, ‘Finnian’s Rainbow’… “Why?” I wonder… were there bagpipes in that film… or was it just the foggy atmosphere of the film and in my mind just then.  I made a point of going to thank the piper when he ceremony was over.  I know my sister would have wanted to thank him, so I felt to do it on her behalf… and I hugged him also.
 
When we first arrived at the burial site, something wonderful happened… it happened so unexpectedly and suddenly!  The funeral director came up to me with a mike in his hand and asked if I’d like to say something for my sister when he started the proceedings in a few minutes… I heard myself saying that I’d love to sing, but I’m not sure I’d be able to… he responded kindly… said, that when he opened, he’d give everyone the option and if I wanted to I could just indicate…
 
And almost immediately he was talking and asked the question, and before I knew it, I reached out for the microphone… I was not going to miss my opportunity to sing for a very special loved one again.  I had missed it at my Greek mom’s funeral, and my dear old friend, Norma Bester’s funeral, because I was too shy… but I was NOT going to miss the opportunity and live with regrets again.  I didn’t care if I made a mess up… I was still going to do this for my sister right there and then!  AND I DID!  I sang, “May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You”.  I wish I could post music onto my blog so I could share with you the song as I sang it, but as I can’t here is a link to Jim Reeves singing it: 
 
May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD9KLA4qz3A
 
(If anyone wants to hear me singing it on the clip, I made for Brie to play to my sister before she had crossed over, you can send a letter through my blog contact e-mail address with your e-mail address for me to send it… I’m not quite Jim Reeves, but I did my best for my sister).
 
I think I did a pretty good job of singing at my sister’s funeral… no focusing on my nerves, even though I was visibly shaking… not wondering if I would make a mistake, or make a fool of myself… no big knot in my throat that has always prevented me from singing in public… even though, I did get one word slightly wrong… I knew it straight away, but for the first time in my life, it didn’t matter to me that I slipped up… it wouldn’t have changed the meaning much at all and certainly not in any negative way.  All I know, is that I am so grateful that I was able to do that for my sister, and I was told afterwards that I sang beautifully and have a lovely voice. 
 
Who would expect a dream to come true at a funeral… Life is such a beautiful, magical, miraculous, mystery to me.
 
Another thing that I know my sister would have really loved, is that her family had actually managed to find flame lily flowers to put on her casket… she had grown up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), so flame lilies, which were the national flower of Rhodesia at the time, were something so beautiful that she loved very much, just as I do.

​After the funeral, we went to have lunch, which was provided by my sister’s church sisters… it was a huge and delicious lunch, so beautifully prepared and with such obvious love.
 
Another thing I remember about the day, was lots of love and hugs… I think those tender mercies, given so freely and generously, are what got me through the day in one piece.
 
This is all I want to share today, and I will write a bit about the rest of my stay in the USA and since then in the next blog post. 
 
Thank you so much for sharing this special post with me,
 
~ Panayiota

​My last blog post was about experiencing this kind of mourning loss... so, it absolutely amazes me, how the very words I need to express what I am feeling, come to me so often on Facebook, or from whatever source like this at around the same time I need just the right words.  Almost as if Life itself is supporting me for some reason... This helps me to feel that I am being watched over and I'm not alone in this Universe... that my deepest most painful feelings are authenticated by someone, somewhere… and so, I am strengthened repeatedly, to go on...
 
Some incredible force out there understands where I'm coming from and why... The whole world might judge me, but someone else, somewhere, LOVES me very much and holds me in Their Hands… I like to believe this is my God… and all in Heaven, including my ancestors who I believe are with me in prayer and support because they can see the whole picture from their Heavenly vantage point.  I also like to believe that it also comes from those rare and beautiful, who genuinely love and care about me, right here in this world.
 
The more I think about it, the more I am sure that I’m “coming from” a place of too much love and I am so often condemned for expressing the pain that is caused, for speaking out about how much it hurts when the kind of love I expect is not returned, or I cannot find it in the same measure in this world...  It so very often feels as though I do not belong to this world... like, I am an alien here...
 
But I know and I’m reminded so often, that I am being watched over and being helped along the path of my life for some reason that is uniquely designed for me.  I believe that this is the same for everyone in their own uniqueness of and for being. 
 
I love this quote found in our Logotherapy, Introductory course, workshop manual:  

​Yesterday, 25th February, was the memory of my beloved Greek mother’s passing in 2004.  I call it her “Love Day”.  She was actually my step-mother, but I always imagined her as my own true mother, or spiritual mother, because she was so kind and loving to me when I was a child… in stark contrast to my biological mother who struggled to be loving and kind.  

I wrote this morning 26th February:
Yesterday I sat alone with my memories of my Greek mother... I could not find anywhere, except here on FB where I could share my feelings, because things have gone so horribly wrong due to hurt trust between certain of my family and I… and they are slipping away so fast that I cannot find my way back to them anymore... it's like my childhood dream of their love has been smashed to pieces and I can't find all the pieces to fix it... Losing that part of my family, means losing my connection with my dad also... but part of me wants that, because it's less painful than the fact that I can't reach him anymore anyway... to really get to know him as my father, and not just the magical, wonderful far distant fantasy that I am still grasping onto with childhood longings of happier times to repeat over and over again... where daddy used to spoil us when we visited him on school holidays, and he took us to the train park in Bulawayo to ride the mini steam train and enjoy delicious scones with cream and strawberry jam from the little store there... I couldn't see over the counter which I reached up to hold onto, standing on tiptoes... trying to be big enough to see what the attendant was getting ready for us to enjoy... that's practically all I can remember of daddy as a child... those wonderful visits to the train park... and our tummy's tickling when he drove up and down the toad humps and dips on the Bulawayo streets... I know there was some kind of history related to those humps and dips in the road... something to do with the wagon days if I remember right.  But we loved daddy riding fast up and down those so much!  We would always giggle with delight.  I wish I could remember more... but that's all I've got and I've clung so tightly to it over all these years... 
 
There's been too many losses in a short space of time, and lost hope gone out the window along with the loss off trust in people and life again...
 
I just needed to release this into the Universe, because it's too hard to hold alone inside.
 
Last night, still feeling very sad after a day alone with my thoughts of my Greek mother, I wrote two poems before switching off my light and going to sleep.  I just remembered I’d done those this afternoon and went to find the pad that I’d written on next to my bed.  I could not even remember what I’d written before I read over them now… I guess I just needed to unload last night, so that I could sleep.  For some reason writing helps me so much to unload some of the internal weight of burdens… once they are out, I feel they are safely stored, and I am lighter inside as a result.
 
SHINING GOLD
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
You’re looking for something to judge her for
Because it’s easier than trying to understand
You’d rather step out of the picture
Than take her by the hand
To help her come back from that desolate place
Where she gets lost again and again
You’d rather judge and reject
Than help her through her pain
 
And so, she drifts even further
Until the fog manages to block out your light
And once she’s gone that far away
There’s nothing left to fight
It’s almost completely over now
Soon THE NOTHING will be all that’s left
Numbness will stop the aching
Of her heart that is now so bereft
 
Don’t try to call her back
Once THE NOTHING has taken its’ hold
For all that’s left will be pitch darkness
Where there used to be Shining Gold.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)

UNTIL HER GRAVE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The only time I ever really knew my daddy
Was when I was a little child
Where so often I dreamed he’d rescue me
From my mother vicious and wild
 
But he lived too far away
And never came to save
And the little girl inside of me
Will keep on longing until her grave
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)
 
 
On Saturday 23rd, my lovely daughter took me to visit my dad, but because my trust is so broken at this time and the distance keeps growing between my family and I, I felt quite uncomfortable there… even though they were being kind… I did not feel as though I belonged anymore.  My dad didn’t know that… I believe that he still loves me, but it’s a difficult situation for me, because I feel his love on the level of my inner Patty… daddy loves Patty still, just like many years ago when Patty and her sister used to go visit him and Greek mommy on our school holidays.  The only problem now, is that daddy can’t hear anymore.  I can’t speak to him and get to know him in the way that an adult child would know their dad… my adult relationship with him feels foreign… I’m too shy to battle to get him to hear and understand what I’m saying… so I sat quietly like a pumpkin and felt like a fool there were everyone would have expectations of me… Without the expectations, I would be happy and relaxed, just to be sitting quietly in the presence of my dad… to be with him more on the spiritual level that my heart really desires these days.  My daughter chatted with him occasionally, also with difficulty, but she’s a whole lot bolder than I am…
 
I FEEL LIKE I REALLY AM AN ALIEN!  I DO NOT BELONG!
 
Then when the rest of the family arrived home, everyone chatted over my dad… and he just sat there like a pumpkin… HUMPH!  I wondered how he feels, not being able to be a part of conversations because of his deafness…  
 
BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN
Literally moments after I arrived home from visiting my dad, (feeling a widening of the hole in my soul), I received two WhatsApp messages that were quite unexpected, and worded as if the senders knew exactly how I was feeling in that moment in time.  The messages were from two people who I had not heard from in some time… amazingly two Jewish friends again.  Their messages convinced and reminded me that I am indeed being watched over, and I am loved.
 
The first which came with a most wonderful video, was from my mentor.  She wrote:
“Shabbat Shalom, dearest Pan.  Sometimes and so many times our lives are shattered by the cruelty and lovelessness of others” 
 
I was confused as to why she said that without knowing what I was going through on the day.  I thought maybe there was something wrong on her side, but she assured me all was well, other than, cold sniffles.
 
If I can ever find the link for that video, I will share it here.  But as I have been unable to find the link so far, I will post the video on my Patty’s Keys Facebook page if anyone would like to go see it there.
 
Then the second special WhatsApp came almost immediately after from one of our dear Logotherapy students who I also haven’t spoken to in ages… he wrote:
 
“Pan, I heard about your sister and I wanted to wish you long life.  Stay strong, you are the backbone of the whole institute.  We need you more than you know.”
 
Now, I’m not so sure about being the backbone of our Logotherapy institute, but his words at that exact time were such a blessing to me and so uplifting…  That he felt this way about the work I do and me… I felt overwhelmed with gratitude to him and to Heaven.
 
 
Nevertheless, I still felt rather anxious for the rest of the day, and on the way to pick up my son in the evening around 19h30, I honestly felt really afraid.  The roads are mostly not lit up well and there were very few cars.  There are a few turns just before my son’s workplace that I find particularly isolated, dark and scary.  As I took the first turn, I noticed through the corner of my eyes, two men standing back, almost as if hiding in a bushy dark area and dressed in dark clothing… I turned the corner really fast so that if a hijacking was planned, I’d be moving too fast and hopefully be saved… but as I took the corner, I noticed that a white car was parked diagonally across the lane I was in, and another man dressed in dark clothing walking around the back of the car towards the side I was taking over on… I took over so fast, fear gripping me to the very core!!!  I have not had that kind of fright in a long time.  I hate that I have to keep travelling that scary road alone so often at night!  When I arrived at the shop, I walked over to the security car that sits there at closing times and told the man inside the car what had happened and asked if someone could go make sure that it was safe there.  The man drove off immediately, and when he returned, he let me know that the two people in the bushes were waiting for a lift, and the police had also already been to where the car was parked, and it was only a break down… he said that it was a man with his wife and baby in the car.  So, it wasn’t some big scary hijacking plot after all, but it could easily have been… and I was scared half to death by it!  I literally felt physically ill for a good time afterwards and could hardly hold my head up in the car while I waited for my son to lock up shop and come.  He bought me a sugar free chocolate that did help a bit… eating when things go wrong seems to be my comfort thing!  Best tasting chocolate ever!
 

I would soon like to share with my readers here, one of my 23 metaphorical therapy stories that I wrote during my therapy journey about visiting my Greek family when I was a child.  I hope to post it soon… it is one that is really close to my heart and wish to post it in honour of her.
 
​
My dear friend Dana just sent me this picture she’d put together of my Greek mom and I… she says we look alike.  I remember my niece saying the same soon after my Greek mom passed away and one of my students said it recently also when she saw a picture of her.  It means so much to me that anyone would think so… Heaven is so kind.  (My Greek mom's name is Efimia)

Here is a most beautiful story called “A Mother’s Walk” (not written by me), that I kind of dedicated to my Greek mom after she had passed away:  https://llerrah.com/amotherswalk.htm
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

Shared with Helen’s permission
 
This friendship celebration video popped up on Facebook last Wednesday and Helen and I shared a very special moment as a result
 
Helen
We almost go back a whole lifetime 😊❤x
 
Panayiota
Yes, my dear BFF, Helen... it feels like a whole lifetime to me also that we have been friends... I lost most of my memories from before and while we were BFF's in high school...
 
YOUR precious name “Helen Henderson” was literally the only treasure I still held in my heart from that time onward. And, even though I didn't remember who you were (I remember how hard that was for you when we met up again... you had to fill in all the blanks of our beautiful nerdy-innocent-giggling friendship and past together as best friends in High School) ... I never let your name go and was so blessed that we found each other so many years later here on Facebook when I was going through intensive therapy and needed to find out who belonged to that precious name that stayed with me for so long... that seemed to be connected to something GOOD... someone LOVED... and someone who must have LOVED and BELIEVED in me.
 
I'm so grateful you filled me in on the beautiful and very strong and meaningful friendship we had during those years that my little sister and I suffered such terrible abuse, not only inflicted by our mother during our early childhood onward... (emotional and physical), but also at the cruel hands of our stepfather, which you were able to confirm for us, because of things we'd shared with you way back then. (regularly molested, raped and beaten) My sister does not remember her portion of the abuse, other than some of what our mother had done to us and that our step-father's brother... about the same age as us… maybe a year older if I remember right, had raped her in a very scary and suffocating water drain near our house.
 
It was in my 50's that YOU dearest Helen, turned the LIGHT of my life back on, by illuminating what was actually GOOD in my life during that nightmare time during our adolescence when we knew each other... YOU were that life-enhancing GOOD I had never let go of.
 
That's why I remembered your name when all else has been blocked from my memory as a result of the abuse.
 
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND BACK THEN, AND FOR REMEMBERING ME!
 
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!
 
Helen
Thank you for your beautiful posting dear Panny-pie ❤. Yes, I remember all the fun we had together and most of all the laughter! I am glad you confided in me when we are at school and I was able to remind you that you told me of the abuse by your Stepfather. You never mentioned your mother abusing you though and it's only since we reconnected on Facebook that you told me the rest. You have climbed mountains since then my dear friend and from here on the world is your Oyster. Onwards and upwards 😊😊😊❤. Friends forever. Love ya ❤🌻🌼xxx
 
Panayiota
Bless you for being one of the greatest joys and healing strengths and loves of my adult life... you will always be in my heart and I'm so glad we were able to reconnect and catch up on so much of all that was lost... and what was so preciously kept so locked up somewhere deep inside of me.  
 
NOBODY... not even my mother or stepfather could completely obliterate my lovely memory of you which I held sacred in your name... I still had your precious name, even though they succeeded in taking so much of everything else away from me and even stole your face from my memory... I will always love you my dear, lovely FOREVER friend ❤ Have a beautiful day ❤
 
Helen
Bless you my dear friend. Friends forever. Have a beautiful day ❤x

​I actually finished this blog post, before the last one about my sister’s passing.  The more I tried to write the last blog post, and the more I ached and cried over the loss of my Anne’s incredible support and her unconditional love for me, the more I also ached over the losses I’d already experienced in this world, because of people whom I think I loved too much.  People who had somehow (even inadvertently) succeeded in making me feel unloved, unwanted, unneeded and rejected in one way or another…
 
(Book: “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood) A lady at our church once did a talk on this subject to a group of women and gave us each a handout that she had compiled from the book… that little handout was lifechanging, because it showed me what one of my major struggles were.  If I can ever find that printout, I will share it on my blog.
 
So, this blog post I am writing now, is one needing to be written NOW (18th February)… it has kept worrying me so much that I had to write it first, before I could give my full attention to my sister’s one, because I could not rest while it has been weighing me down with the emotional pain it has been causing me.  I will post this one though after I’ve finished and posted my sisters… and then, as soon as I can find time again, I will finish my writing about my sister in another blog post.  When that’s done, I hope at last, I will be able to rest from all this (raincloud over my head) emotion… perhaps that will be what “closure” will mean for me.

​I understand that they probably never meant to make me feel that way… it was never their intention and that they might have already been giving me all that they had to give… but because I still struggle with living with childhood fantasies of their True Love, and how I always imagine it should look like and be, they were not able to give me what I was missing… (what was either never given to me as a child, or taken away from me during my childhood and beyond.)

I once wrote:
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
All Rights Reserved ~ (www.pattyskeys.co.za)
 
How strong can a Mistrust Wall be,
That not even my love can pull it down?
I would have thought that my love could pull it down!
My love is strong, very strong!
But just not strong enough to pull down my Mistrust Wall!
 
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG!
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me!
Surely, I can knock it down!
But the pain in my heart is too great!
Too often I’ve felt let down by those I’ve loved!
TOO OFTEN HURT!
 
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW!
FASTER, STRONGER!
 
Every time I see you… I hurt,
I feel the pain all over again,
And another row of protecting bricks
Is placed on top of,
MY MISTRUST WALL!
 
How can I let this happen?
And yet I can’t seem to stop it!
 
THE DAMAGE IS DONE!
The Mistrust Wall is up!
FRIENDSHIPS LOST!
 
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall!
Love will give up in the end,
And our connection will be lost!
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late!
I know there must be a way!
If only I can find it!
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY!
 
I still need you!
I still love you!
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
From my experience, the people I built the wall between very rarely come back to it, and if they do, it's not the same anymore, because trust is already too broken on both sides.  They often don't know how to help me break the wall down, or they don't want to, because the reason for me putting up the wall in the first place proves to be true.  So, most of those awful walls stay forever... sometimes they become vaguely transparent for a while, but they rarely come down.  The loss is very painful (I experience it as a death in most cases), and the longings seem to be forever...
 
Until I once again reach finality of that “What’s the use?” place again, where I learn to let my longings go, because my pain is too much to hold on anymore... and when I do that, there's no longer a way to penetrate that wall from either side... THE END...  :'( 
 
I’m working hard at not building the walls in the first place… but they seem to happen so easily sometimes, in those places where I LOVE and I NEED most, and where I expect and long for love to be the most… and for some reason or another, can’t seem to find it there. 
 
This awful wall building, self-destructive behavioural pattern takes away even the little goodness and togetherness that could have stayed… The better than THE NOTHING part of the relationship…

​But, unfortunately, I am in the ALL-OR-NOTHING phase of my life… NOT a good place, I admit, but I’ve been hurt too many times in the past by those who should have, and those I believed should have loved me… and today, by those who I believe should still be able to love me beyond my emotional weaknesses and outbursts. 
 
It takes me a long time to reach the point of outburst… it takes a whole lot of pushing through the feelings of being unloved, judged and rejected, to the point of eventually pushing me over the edge of my enduring strength.  It takes a whole lot to get me to that place of giving up on my “fantasy” of what should have been… what I imagine LOVE should look like.
 
I HATE THAT HORRIBLE, LONELY PLACE AND THE EMPTY-ENDING AND PAINFUL-NOTHINGNESS THAT FOLLOWS IT!

Another time I wrote
 
CRASHING WAVES!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m back on the island of ‘Lost Hope and Lost Dreams’ again,
Where the hundred-foot walls block out all the worlds pain.
Where disappointments and sorrows can’t reach my heart,
Where I find refuge from anguish, by staying apart.
Only, inside these walls where darkness prevails,
My sorrows haunt me, and disappointment ails.
For its empty inside and it’s cold to the bone,
Because no one can enter, and I stand all alone.
The waves on the outside crash relentlessly,
On the walls that were built to keep sadness from me,
Yet the tears on the inside constantly flow down,
And I live in the fear, that still, I might drown.
And no one will know or care when I’m dead,
And the emptiness tears at my heart filled with dread.
For I have so much love still to give to this earth,
Where I’ve known so little since the day of my birth.
 
But no matter how far this island at sea,
Or how tall and strong the walls around me,
My Father has always found a way in,
For He Knows where I’m hiding, and He Cares where I’ve been.
He’s Heard all the cries of my soul to the sea,
And when all else reject, He Stands Steadfast by me.
For His Love is Eternal, and His Friendship is True,
He helps the walls crumble when Hope’s Ship comes to view.
He Knows I will sail on it again and again,
Trusting it will take me to the ‘Land of Love and No Pain’.
 
But somehow the storms know just where to go,
And I’m shipwrecked quite often near this island I know.
I’ve been here so often, I’m used to it now,
And still the waves crash on the walls that surround,
And I’ve come to expect their tormenting sound,
Of judgment and persecution, where peace can’t be found.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 March 2003)
 
This popped up on Facebook the other day

​I looked up INFJ on the internet today and kind of identified with what I found there, although I have not studied up on this whole personality concept yet and not sure I will find time to in the near future…  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ
 
A quick insert from the article
 
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy). [5]
N – intuition preferred to sensing: INFJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities. [6]
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. [7]
J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability. [8]

​My second son honoured me greatly during a phone call conversation the other day, when he said to me, that he was so grateful that I'd taught him and his siblings to say, "I love you", because he's also noticed how few people are able to say those words to one another these days.  

My son told me about how he is still able to text those words to friends from his past, and recently to one of his closest friends from his childhood who spent a lot of time with us growing up.  He loved that Justin is also able to close off his messages with "I love you brother".  

I never really knew such love as a child, but somewhere along the way, I learned to love... to love very deeply... even too deeply... so for me, saying "I love you", is as natural as breathing.  LOVE is very much a part of who I am.

When I write or say, "I love you", I really mean it from my heart... I feel it... it is real to me.  The only times when I don't write it, is when I feel I might have hurt the person I'm writing to, and I feel unworthy to even use those words that are so sacred to me... unworthy of "their" love... so how dare I insult them with my love... if that makes any sense at all...  

Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

​Patricia Anne Theresa Shaw… nee Ryall
 
A letter to my Anne
My Beloved Sister Anne.  When we met, we very quickly became best of friends.  We both went by the name of Pat at the time, and you confided in me, that you always preferred your middle name, Anne, and I confided in you that at the time, I really hated being called Pat. 
 
(Pat was never meant to be my name!  But I have finally accepted being called Pat in my 60’s… I’ve given up fighting it… it just doesn’t matter anymore.  The people who still called me Pat, even my dear old daddy, matter for more to me than the name.  Anyway, I have recently learned to really accept and love my inner adolescent sub-personality, Patricia, and to honour her place in me and with me at last).
 
My sister, you told me how much you loved the film, Anne of Green Gables, and how much you loved the very close friendship of Anne and Diana in the film, and so, from then on, I referred to you fondly as my Anne, and you called me Diana.  I kind of got used to being your Diana, and having you as my beloved Anne.
 
We had very little face-to-face contact over the years, because you had moved to the other side of the world shortly after I married your brother.  (You always knew him as Alan, and to us and practically everyone else who knew him on this side of the world, he was Wally.)  Because you lived so far away, most of our beautiful friendship over the years was lived and experienced through letter writing, phone calls and Facebook. 
 
My sister, I have so much to be grateful for, because of you.  You totally supported everything I chose to do that was geared towards healing myself and others, and most especially, adult survivors of child abuse.  You supported and encouraged my psychological, spiritual and educational growth, and you were excited to hear all about the things that I was studying and learning.  You were truly interested in all that I did.  As a child, I never had anything like what you gave to me in my adulthood.  You rejoiced in my serving others as a counsellor, basic computer trainer, secretarial administrator and so on.  Your incredible support spurred me onward and upward to continually reaching for the stars. 
 
You were always so patient with me, even in my weaknesses, my angry moments, my outbursts and my tears.  It seemed that there was nothing I could do that would ever make you give up on me… you were always… ALWAYS there no matter what.  One of the most reliable, longsuffering, faithful, truly loving friends I have ever known.
 
It did not take long for us to completely drop the idea of being “in-laws” … you had always wanted a sister, and over the years, we became true sisters in ever sense of the word… maybe not biological, but most definitely spiritual… soul sisters of the purest and most beautiful kind.
 
I often wondered why Heavenly Father kept me so far apart from you and all the people I loved most in the world… a cruel separation I often felt… even from the dear ones who live nearby today (so close, yet so far)… feeling so alone… unfathomable distances, unreachable hearts… created by miles, or by judgement, or lack of understanding and true love.
 
But you my sister… no matter how far away you were at any one time, you were one of the closest to my heart.  The reason for this, was because you always believed in me and I KNEW IT.  Your love for me, I believed with every fiber of my being, that it was TRUE.  You never gave me any reason to doubt your love… I trusted your love… I trusted YOU completely.  Do you have any idea what a gift that was for me… to be able to trust that completely.
 
Having you in my world was my saving grace… in fact, you literally saved my life time and time again as a result of your never-ending love.  

​Yes, my sister… but you also believed in the PERFECT me, even though I couldn’t see that part of me for myself.  You were practically the only one in the world, who could see through all the tears and brokenness of my spirit.  You focused on the RIGHT me, helping me to build on that part of myself, and you helped me to make sense of all my confusion and turmoil.  It was because of you, that I started this journey of putting all the puzzle pieces of my life back together and in order, so that I could find the drive and courage needed, to find my healing.
 
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

​I will always love you, my sister… my Anne

♥
 
Dear Alec (Anne’s husband) was also very much part of my survival strengths over the horrible years that I was married to Wally (Alan).  I often leaned heavily on Alec for his advice and guidance.  He was so wise and helpful in so many ways.  Alec passed away a good few years ago, and my Anne often expressed her great longing to be with him again.  She loved and missed him so much.
 
Wally was Anne’s older brother (as I mentioned before, she knew him as Alan… the order of his forenames on his birth certificate though was, William Alan).  Anne and Wally, both grew up in a state of poverty and extreme neglect, and Anne experienced cruel emotional abuse and lack of loving acceptance from her parents, but especially through her mother’s treatment of her, or lack thereof.  But for Wally on the other hand, their mother, over-doted on him after her other infant son had died shortly after birth... (Anne has written something on this, which I hope to share on this blog some time, with permission from her family).   
 
From what Anne had shared with me in previous personal, written conversations, both her and Wally had been sexually abused by certain ship steward/s on a voyage during their childhood.  What stood out for me and what I’d very much love to share in another post, is how differently both turned out to be as they grew from child to adult.  My Anne made choices that were positive, healing and pure, whilst her brother grew up making choices that were cruel and insulting and inflicted much pain on others, most especially my children and I during my time married to him.  I often commented that living with him was like living with the devil himself.  I did not follow my intuition before I married him because everything inside of me begged to be a stay-at-home mother, to be with my first two children from a former marriage… a marriage that I’d left as a result of the physical and disgusting, and hurtfully degrading sexual abuse inflicted on me by my first husband during his drunken states, and who enjoyed many extra-marital relationships.
 
On the first night I married my second husband, Wally, I already KNEW that something was very wrong… all the DANGER bells went off inside of me and I was left horribly confused, depressed and troubled.  Two weeks later I was already seeking help with my church, but they made it obvious right from the start, that they believed I was the problem and exaggerating things.  They were not there for me at all.  For years, I searched and searched for help, but very rarely did anyone believed us except one of the psychologists who my children and I visited.  Nobody could help us, because they could prove nothing… they wanted to see blood and guts first!  Wally was a cruel emotional abuser and most definitely a narcissist who hated women.  He was also a child molester and gay, which was eventually proven, but that’s another story which I will keep for my book.  He was so very clever in fooling everyone we knew… even my own family and my church community.  I was the one crying all the time… I was so weak in my aloneness and sufferings.  From three weeks after I married him, I often found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with the door shut, just crying and crying… more alone and frightened than I’d ever remembered feeling in my life.  (Had I married the very similitude of my stepfather in both this marriage and the first?)

​I struggled mightily to find help to protect my children from my own broken state, and desperately, to protect them from him… but nothing I could do with what I had at the time, would ever prove enough.  I did not have transport or money… I walked miles in my search for a listening ear and a reaching hand that would help us… but all in vein. 
 
In the end, I believed that I totally failed my children, because I could not save us from that man… and I nearly drowned in the overwhelming guilt that consumed me for many years to come.
 
Even though there were many times, I just wanted to take my life, I held on and kept trying to do everything in my power to survive that living hell, because I knew I had to, for the sake of my children.
 
Failure, or no failure, I did not and would not give up on them!  If I could not take them with me in death (which I knew I couldn’t), then I had to live on, to protect them.

WILL NOT DROWN!
All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
SUFFOCATING!  No air to breathe!
Drowning just beneath the waves!
I can see LOVES rays penetrating the surface
Where I cannot reach,
No matter how hard I try!
For every time I struggle closer,
The waves beat more and more!
And sometimes I almost give up,
Thinking, what is this struggling for!
Beneath me the sea is dark and deep,
Above love tries to shine through,
And the more the waves try to push me down,
The more I remember you.
 
My children sailing up above,
On seas that are rough and wild,
And I know that’s where this mother should be,
Calming the waves for her child.
So, the darkness that tugs me to the dreadful deep,
Must never win its fight!
For I’ll struggle on, and never give up,
If I’m to reach that saving light!
For in that moment where I touch the surface again,
I know that the waves will cease,
And I can board that lovely ship once more,
With my children, where there is peace.
So, I will not give up when the storms beat strong,
And I’m tossed again into the sea
For my children still need me
And I must return,
To where this mother should be!
 
“Be strong!” I call… “Be patient for me,
For my seas are quite stormy, it’s true!
But I will not drown while you need me still,
Because I’ll never stop loving you!”
 
~ Panayiota
 
(28 October 2004 - Struggling with deep emotions… SLIPPING AWAY… Worrying about my youngest son starting work at Wits… so far away from home and my protection.  No understanding or support… no love to help me through when I need it most… Hurt by the insensitive and insulting judgments of others… VERY MUCH ALONE AGAIN!)
 
My Anne (and a rare few others), was practically the only person who ever believed me and stood by me through thick and think over all our struggling years.  My children, and my Anne’s never-failing affirmation of their and my truths proved to be the very life-force I needed to survive the nightmare of those bitter years.
 
Most other people very quickly tired of my crying and downcast state, or were put off by my sitting away from the crowds (my struggling with getting ‘too close’.)  They did not understand, and so, they turned their backs.  But my long-suffering sister never turned her back on me… she always loved me, warts and all!

♥
 
SAD NEWS
On January 23rd this year, I received a Facebook message from my niece, Brie, whom, with the loving support and help of my nephew Rich, had taken care of my sister, throughout all of her struggling health issues, for many years already.  They were her friend in a time of her great need… they were there for her and they loved her.
 
Brie’s message read
“Hey Panny, Pat had a couple mini strokes today...she is stable and fine, didn't affect her motor skills and she is talking. Not always making sense but they said where she stroked, that should come back just fine. I will keep you updated all throughout the hospital stay and let you know what’s going on.”
 
I was terribly shocked by this news, but my Anne’s life had been threatened by serious illness many times before and she’d always pulled through okay… why not this time also… but I could not help but to admit to myself… “What if…?” and the very thought scared me so much that I could not rest anymore.
 
Brie and I exchanged messages of love and hope and gratitude over this time… me, being so grateful to Brie and Rich and other close members of her family, for being there for my sister during this scare, and for all the years, that in some very comforting way to me, they had stood in for all that I was unable to do, because I was too far away.  I repeatedly asked Brie to tell my sister that I love her and to hug her for me… comforted that she would do that, yet at the same time… longing-longing-longing to be by my sister’s side also during this life and death struggle that she was now facing.
 
Brie wrote again later that day 
“Pat is fine, only her speech is affected, and she will do speech therapy. In good spirits sleep well Panny she also says good night”

This message gave me so much hope, but I was still worrying for my sister, and even Brie and family, because I imagined how hard this time must have been for them.  With four children at home and two of them, small children… my Anne now in hospital… how were they juggling it all so that they could be there for their children and my Anne also… I found all my emotions centering on them and their love for my sister… overwhelming gratitude… knowing that they would do everything in their power to be with her.
 
Being on the opposite side of the world, they were 9 hours behind us here in South Africa, so trying to coordinate our conversations was quite hard also.
 
I sent a plea to my Facebook friends
“May I ask my praying friends to please pray for my dear sister, Anne... she has had a series of mini strokes. How I wish I lived close to her and Brie and Rich and the family who love her and have been taking such good care of her        I am so grateful for them all.  Although I'm in tears, I at least have the comfort of knowing that they are there for her when I can't be... I can only be there for her in prayer and ask that you please join me also in prayer for my darling sister    Thank you so much 
 
An update from Brie later in the day
“Pat is doing well right now... They are transferring her to a bigger hospital, and I’ll update you when we know more.”
 
I was so grateful for the updates from Brie that kept me as close as I could possibly be to my beloved sister 
 
I must say though, that by the morning of the 25th January, I was feeling rather desperate to know more about how my sister and family was doing…
 
I wrote to Brie
“I know you must be crazy busy with your family there and all the children and work and visiting my sister and all, so I'm not going to bug you at all... I know she is in good hands and surrounded by your love also... so, I just wanted to ask you if you are bearing up and tell you I'm thinking of you especially at this time and Rich and the children and praying hard for you too and all who genuinely care about her and love her like we do... and also praying hard for my dear sister.  I know she won't live forever and there will come a time, but while I can still tell her I love her and send my hugs, then that's what I will do… I'd be so grateful if you'd pass on my love and hugs every time you get to see her... Love and hugs to you too dear Brie and family... 😍”
 
Later in the day, this picture popped up on Facebook and I felt to share it with my friends… it was very meaningful to me at that time…

​26th January, my niece wrote again… I shared the updates from Brie with my friends on Facebook, because I knew that over the years, many of my FB friends had learned to love my Anne also, and had friended her on FB and kept regular contact with her.

"Pat is still in hospital. It has been determined that she had a total of 3 strokes but is recovering well for what she has been through. I haven't got all the information which I should get today regarding how long she is going to be there. It seems that they want to get her blood levels at a therapeutic level. She will probably need some speech therapy but minor. Still asking for prayers for a speedy recovery for the Warrior that she is. I also want to apologize to anyone that is messaging me privately... I have decided to just post updates because I hardly have any time between hospital visits and family at home."
 
27th January, I sent a message to my sister via Brie’s FB message inbox
“My beloved sister, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this health struggle at this time.  Oh, what I'd give to be there with you my sister... just to be holding you in my arms so that I could tell you how much I love you.  I know for sure, I'd be singing to you also from the hymn book, some of my favourite songs.  I'm sad that your speech has been affected but know that will come back pretty quickly once you are on the road to recovery again.  I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan in all of this and I don't have any answers right now, but I do hope you get better soon, and if by any chance, our Father is calling you home at this time, then I want you to know that I will meet you under our tree someday when it is my turn to go there also.  But my sister... I do hope you will recover soon, and your speech will come back quickly.  I love you so much and I will always Love Brie and Rich and John and all who have been there for you over the years... just as you have always been there for me.  I love you with all my heart forever and ever... Your Diana ❤
 
👍 Brie indicated with a thumbs up that she had seen my message, and I was comforted, that she would have read it to my sister for me.
 
Later in the day, Brie updated us on my sister’s condition
"Pat has blood clots in her left leg and arm and lung and has had 3 mini strokes. She has lost her speech a bit and is having a hard time with words, but I'm told its most likely temporary. She’s a fighter and we would love continued prayers. Today I'm feeling like I been hit by a truck with the up and down roller coaster ride we have been on since Tuesday. One min she is fine the next it could be touch and go. I honestly just want her home and to go back to normal. It’s a work in progress but we will get there."

I shared Brie’s message with my FB friends and then commented
Please continue to keep Brie and family and my beloved sister in your prayers... my heart is so owie for them all right now, only because I can't be there to help them and be with them... what I'd give to be holding my sister in my arms right now... I would sing to her and just tell her how much I love and appreciate all she has been to me for so many years now... and I would love to be there for Brie and family also... I love them as well, with all my heart for all they have done over the years for my sister and for all the genuine love they have given her.
 
Something else was bothering me a lot on this day, because it was once again, for me, a time of great need for comforting.  So very often over the years, my Facebook friends and family have been my most important outreach for my emotional struggles.  Just knowing I’m not alone can sometimes very quickly bring the warm sunshine back into any dark situation for me. 
 
I wrote
Recently it was mentioned that Facebook is evil and of the devil and that the love spoken of here is all lies and fabricated, etc... I'm so sorry that I cannot agree with that at all. At times like this, when my sister is so ill and fighting for her life and I can't be with her and my heart is aching... when I'm feel so helpless and so sad and alone... I know that I can share my heart with people out there... in my Facebook world... whose love and care for me I am truly convinced of is real and true.  Many of you I have never met, yet, you have stood by me for so many years, even though I have not been able to check in on your pages at all, or as regularly as you have checked up on me on mine... even though you know that this is how it is for me, you have still not given up on me.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that Facebook and all of you who have stood by me over the years, has been a Gift to me from Heaven... A GIFT... NOT A CURSE!  Thank you so much for those who have been here for me... thank you for being my strength and my daily dose of TRUE LOVE and care.  There are many of you whose love I do not doubt... I believe in YOUR LOVE... I feel your love daily... and thank you for it with all my heart.  No need to respond... I'm having a bawling moment when I'm just needing to be here to share this, because I know YOU are here, even when in silence... you always have been here for so many years now... You know who you are ...  just like my sister who never gave up on me no matter what.  I know that even if it was her time to go... she'd still find a way to be with me... no separation between earth and Heaven could keep us apart, because our love is so strong and so true.  I am so grateful for Facebook, because when all else fails... I still have you all.  The love I feel for my Facebook friends is real... if it is not, then I have practically nowhere else to turn at times like this.
 
28th January, I wrote to Brie
“I love you Brie ❤ Right now, this is for you, and I love Rich and your little ones too.  I know how much my sister loves her grandchildren and thrives on their love in return.  I bet she is longing to be home with you all” ❤
 
Brie responded
“Hi Pan, Patty has taken a turn for the worst.  They can’t find out what is going on. We had her receive a blessing and she is in fact being called home😭.  She is now on comfort care as she is in a lot of pain.  We are sitting by her side until she passes.  I'm so sorry to be writing this email... I will let you know when she passes but it’s a matter of hours to days at this point.  I'm so sorry.  I will tell her to meet you at your tree.
Love you so much I can't imagine how hard this is so far away.” ❤❤❤
 
(Brie’s comment about the tree meant so much to me… if only she knew how much that touched my heart.  My Anne and I always spoke about the beautiful Heavenly tree we’d meet under someday when we both got to Heaven.  We were always so far apart and longing to be together, that we made up and visualised this story that I now believe will be given to us someday in Heaven… to come true, because of our great and pure love for each other here in this world.  We dreamed a dream of our beautiful tree waiting for us in Heaven, with soft green grass underneath it.  We would lie together on the grass staring up through the leaves of the tree at the beautiful Celestial sky above, and there, we’d catch up on all the life stories that we missed together… the choices we’d made, and how things had turned out, etc… I’m sure we’d have so much to talk about and we both looked forward to that time).
 
I wrote back… feeling to comfort Brie and her family who were going through this without me there with them
“My dearest Brie... please don't for one minute be sorry to be sharing such sad news with me... as I sit here imagining you sitting there next to my beloved sister's side, my heart is so comforted and warmed, because you are doing that on my behalf... you are there with her... she is not alone.  And if she chooses to let go, when you are out of the room, that will also be her decision to spare you... but I hope she will let you be there to share in her crossing over.  You are now sitting in the company of angels... so many ancestors… will be there to meet her... she will be surrounded by so much love, including yours, and for that I am truly so grateful.  Who is there with you... is Rich there... I hope he is.  It is so healing and so fitting that you are there to say your last goodbyes together... this will be healing for you all... and for me, just to know you're there.  Alec must be there to meet her too.  I have sat with many people who have been passing away and consider it one of the most spiritual experiences to share in, just like a birth of a new baby.  Thank you for sharing Brie... thank you for being there with my sister and thank you for all of your love... and to Rich too and anyone else who is there who has loved her as much as you two have.  You don't need to respond... rather take this time with dearest Anne... and tell her I'm okay because I know she will still be with us all... she will find a way to show us.  I love her with all my heart forever” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Brie
😢 “Thanks Pan. She loves you soon much too as do I. I’ll be writing you soon.”
 
I responded
“Right now, I am completely overwhelmed with the LOVE I am feeling for you and Rich and my beloved sister and all who ever really loved her ❤ Just tell her I love her again please and I KNOW she loves me too... thank you with all my heart” ❤
 
Later I wrote
“I know I'm asking a lot, but please kiss her on her cheek for me and tell her I love her again... okay... I'll leave you alone now and wait for any updates... BIG HUGS darling Brie and Rich and family” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Brie
“I will for sure. I read your post to her. So she now knows.”

Panayiota
“For that I am eternally grateful to you ❤ If I could hug you now, I'd squish you too tight, I'm sure... I just love you so much” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
I posted Brie’s message for my FB friends to share in and added how I was feeling
"Hi Pan, Patty has taken a turn for the worst. They can’t find out what is going on. We had her receive a blessing and she is in fact being called home😭. She is now on comfort care as she is in a lot of pain. We are sitting by her side until she passes. I'm so sorry to be writing this email... I will let you know when she passes but it’s a matter of hours to days at this point. I'm so sorry. I will tell her to meet you at your tree"
 
Crying my heart out, but at the same time, I'm so grateful to know that she is surrounded by loved ones on both sides of the Veil... she is not alone on this part of her journey. She knows how much I love her... I wish I was holding her in my arms right now and singing to her some of my favourite hymns... but when she has crossed over, then I will sing, and I know she will hear and be with me then... I love her with all my heart.  She has believed in me for as long as I've known her and has never turned her back on me, no matter what... She has been such a blessing and I know that she will continue to be from the other side... I have friends in Heaven... and soon she will be there too and someday we will meet under the beautiful tree we always spoke about that is waiting for us in Heaven... Oh how I love my sister.  Thank you to all my dear FB friends and family for your prayers over the last few days... I'm so grateful to have you all in my life and I am so grateful for Facebook and what a blessing it has been, because of all my truly loving connections here.
 
I felt so grateful to all my FB friends for their loving and comforting responses to all my recent posts, but especially this one… I needed them and they were there to embrace me warmly with their words of love.  I especially loved the affirmation-responses of two of my Jewish friends…
 
Haya wrote
“So sorry, Pan. Your dear sister can feel your presence from afar even now.  You can sing to her from wherever you are.  Gentle hugs to you.” ❤
 
Batya wrote
“Her spirit can hear you singing to her even now.  The preciousness of your love cannot be expressed in words.”
 
Inspired by my Facebook friends, I sent a voice recording to Brie.  I sang “May The Good Lord Bless and Keep You”… I never did find out if Brie was able to open it on Facebook and play it to my sister, but I knew that my sister would know.  I had wanted more than anything in the world to sing this song at my beloved Greek mom’s funeral in 2004, but I chickened out last minute, because I was too shy.  Then I wanted so much to sing it at my dear old friend, “Norma Bester’s” funeral, but chickened out once again, so I sang it on a voice recording this time and sent it to Brie to play to my sister with the following note:
 
“Good morning on your side, my dearest Brie, I don't know if that voice recording will work, but I sang a song for my sister... if it works and only if it does look like she's going, then you can play it to her if you feel it's okay.  You are in charge of her, so I trust you will do only what you feel is right for her and what would make her most comfortable and safe in her parting... I trust your love for her also and that is very comforting to me.  Thank you with all my heart... you are so beautiful to me” ❤ I hope you were all able to get some sleep through the night... God be with you and my sister ❤ I love you and Rich and all ❤
 
Late pm I wrote to Brie, before I went to sleep on my side of the world
Is there any updates yet dear Brie... I'm off to sleep now, so just checking quick.  I love you my beautiful niece and Rich and family... Love and hugs to you all and my beloved sister ❤ Be blessed with all the strength and courage you need to get through the day ahead... HUGS ❤
 
I woke in the morning to the following message from Brie, keeping in mind that her time in Utah was 9 hours before ours in South Africa, so for her she was sending the message late pm on the 28th of January, and I was receiving it early morning on the 29th January
 
“It’s with great sadness that Pat passed away peacefully at 10:30 this morning.”
 
(To be continued)
 
~ Panayiota

My garden has really served us well last year and is still going strong.  For months I never needed to buy a lettuce, and only during the student workshop time and Christmas last year, did I become too busy to plant seeds and new seedlings, so I slipped up on the rotation and there is now a gap, but I'm getting back on top of that and planted vegetable seeds a few days ago.  (Parsley, red onions, radishes, lettuce, borage and coriander) 

There's quite a few photos to share, so I will keep the writing to a minimum.  I hope that they are not photos I shared before.  I don't think so though.

Thank you for sharing my garden with me in this post.

​~ Panayiota

​On 13th January, I did attend daddy’s 88th birthday party.  It took a lot of courage for me to go there against the sides of myself that wanted rather to run for the forest to hide, but I just knew I needed to be there because there was no way to explain to my dad why I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to hurt him.
 
My far away sister had so gently sent her strengthening encouragement to me in an email sent two days before our dad’s birthday.  She so wished to be at his party, but she couldn’t, so I realised, that I could be there for both of us. 
 
Her loving words that made all the difference were:
 
“Sometimes we need to do things afraid.” and “Whatever you choose, I am with you.”
 
Her total acceptance of me (even in my weaknesses), in those words, is what I call unconditional love and that’s where I have always drawn my courage and strength from… from a sense of being genuinely LOVED.
 
My close-by sister had not contacted me since the day I expressed my upset over not feeling loved by my Greek family, so I felt very uneasy about visiting there… for me, a bit like walking into a DANGER zone.  But on the morning before my dad’s birthday, she sent a WhatsApp: 
 
“Are you coming tomorrow?  Please come.”
 
I was very honest in my response: 
 
“Thank you (heart) It will take huge courage to come… I feel sick thinking about it… but I know I will feel at home again when I get there so I’m going to take a chance on that.”
 
And she responded happily, adding:
 
“You are always welcome here and this will always be a home to you.”
 
In that moment in time, I really believed her and that made all the difference to leaving my home to attend the party the next day.
 
(I can’t even remember how I got there… racking my mind to remember… GONE!  I just know I never used my own car… shew!)
 
Anyway, what was very special to me on the 13th, was that I had to take my youngest son to work early.  Usually he goes and opens the gate as we are leaving around 6am, but I went out much earlier and as I reached the gates, hundreds of birds just suddenly appeared from all directions chirping their little heads off as they were joyfully beginning their day’s journeys and greeted the morning.  It was the most unusual sight… they were just flying in every direction in groups, with one or two doves cooing whilst sitting on the cables on the other side of the street facing me.  I honestly felt as though I had been greeted by all these birds… as if they were inviting me to rejoice in the day with them.  And by now, if you have read some of my other blog posts, you know that I try to see positive symbolism in all things like this… as if Life is bringing messages of reassurance, meaning and love to me.  I welcome such messages and take them as if they were hugs from Life given especially to me… they are like my regular dose of LOVE from the Universe.
 
And it didn’t end there.  After dropping  my son off at work, I started work on making something for the lunch which was going to be around 1pm at my Greek sisters, so I had plenty time to cook some spinach squares to take with and some of my own style of Moussaka also, according to what I can eat on my eating lifestyle plan that works so well to control my diabetes and gout without medication.  Practically all the herbs and vegetables in both dishes were taken fresh from my little vegetable patch which I find so rewarding.  
 
At the same time as all the cooking and cleaning, I also did a load of clothes washing.  It was close to time for me to leave when I hung the washing on the line.  As I was going outside with the basket full of clothes, a beautiful big butterfly, (black with irregular yellow spots), flew very close, right past me a few times… (I looked it up a few days later, to try and identify it and found that it is called the common swallow tail butterfly, also known as the lime or lemon butterfly, because that’s where it likes to lay its eggs.)  Now for me, whenever I’ve been afraid or worried about something, one of these butterflies appear.  I never seen them any other time, so it is immediately a reassuring comfort for me to see one so close to me.  As I hung the washing, the butterfly disappeared behind it, but reappeared underneath the washing and sat for a moment on the mint leaves, less than a foot away from me, facing me before flying off again and disappearing.  I found myself speaking to it… “Who are you… I wish I knew… thank you for visiting today… I love you.”  (overcome by the sense of comforting-reassurance that it had brought to me)
 
So, feeling so much braver and happier, I was able to comfortably visit with my family to celebrate my dad’s 88th birthday party, and I’m so grateful I did.  I had a lovely day and my near-by sister spent a lot of time with me and I with her.  I felt her love on the day and as a result, I felt I was not alone there.  I have not heard from her since, but it’s okay.  Work has stepped up for all of us and children back to school… so life continues to separate…
 
I do believe though, that dynamics would have inevitably changed forever after all of this.  Some damage to trust on both sides must have occurred and that’s a negative that I hope with time will heal itself.

Something so strange and awakening happened to me yesterday.  As I have written previously, I  had subconsciously blocked out the existence of my dad on the day I witnessed his last day at work. Something happened in my mind that day, that was too painful for me to bear, and so I had to find a safe place for it to go, and blocked a part of reality from that moment on… pushing my Greek family as far away as I possibly could in the process so as not to feel any part of that unbearable pain anymore…
 
I gradually numbed out on a certain level of my personality… I do believe on the ‘Patty’ level, as a result of not feeling wanted when I was born, (and a possible subconscious memory of mother’s abortion attempt to rid herself of me… this was discussed in therapy).  Patty therefore experienced some levels of abuse between pre-birth to around 5 years of age.  I identify with her as stuck at the age of four to five-year-old… extremely sad to the point of needing to die to be free of tormented emotions too deep to bear… deep longings for her mother’s love… a very hurt and rejected, neglected and frightened little girl.
 
The reason I think that I was triggered to somewhere on the ‘Patty’ level, was that the day before yesterday, while I was transporting my son and co. worker to work, I was in a very sentimental and spiritual creative place.  I was noticing all the beauty around me and even commented that the streak of clouds in the sky looked just like God had taken a paintbrush and wiped it across the sky… I as fascinated by it.  There was such a sense of fascination and gratitude for such a sight, that I actually wanted to cry.  Patty is my creative inner-child… she feels deeply and needs time to express her creativity… she should not be trapped by adult concerns and worries… she needs the freedom of space and creativity.  I must find a way to help her with that instead of saying locked up behind my computer all the time.  I sensed her deep needs the day before yesterday.  My mom used to be a traveling sales woman and often took us with her.  I think that Patty enjoyed the freedom of those long trips in the car, absorbing and observing the wide-open spaces and beautiful blue sky, etc. along the way as opposed to being trapped in a house where she always had to be very careful not to upset mommy.  To this day, I still LOVE traveling out of town where there’s a sense of freedom, release and fresh air.  (Patricia has a need to stay safe… locked-up safe… and to keep the rest of me safe with her, so it was not her that felt so deeply touched and inspired by on the trip the morning before yesterday… it was Patty who was now surfacing and more than likely as a result of the recent disturbances).
 
I didn’t cry much at all since my shut-down recently… I was in my safe place on the deeply protective level of ‘Patricia’, that not even I can really explain adequately but will keep trying to find my answers, for the sake of my healing and for the sake of others who have such weird and whacky pain-filled experiences like mine.  I mentioned recently, that Patty was always quiet and comfortable, tucked away deep inside of me when Patricia was on the surface, because Patricia was her protector.  But now, Patricia was losing control over a situation/situations that had become totally overwhelming her.
 
Having safely succeeded in blocking out my dad’s existence in my world which lifted all pressure, expectations and responsibilities to preform as his adult daughter off me, I began to feel very threatened as the date of his birthday this weekend was coming up, because my youngest son and overseas sister brought the subject up… (It has crossed my mind that I greatly fear the expectations placed on me to be his ‘adult daughter’, when I have only ever been… in my mind… his little girl… still needing him to be my daddy and rescuer).
 
It’s the strangest thing to try and explain what happens when a blocking has already happened, and someone comes along and tries to unblock it without understanding how difficult and threatening it can be for me… It’s a bit like living in the twilight zone… or like being a lost traveler in some very foggy place, coming across faint signposts that are pointing the way… you either choose to turn away from the signs out of extreme fear of where they will lead you to… fear of not being able to cope with your own deep emotions… or you turn towards the signs still fearfully but, you want to find your way out, only to find that the fog is still too thick and you’re still lost… you want to cry out for help, but you can’t think of anyone who would possibly understand… who could find you there and help to lift the fog.
 
So, yesterday, being only three days before my dad’s birthday, I found myself even more lost than ever… like I wasn’t searching for a way out anymore, or even running, because the place I was in had become so treacherous that I was too afraid to move… I felt completely paralysed, even though I was still messing around on Facebook in my attempt to stay connected to something or someone… and I was still able to write a blog post, but otherwise the day was pretty weird… it seemed to pass very quickly, as if there were gaps in my memory… time had secretly passed by while I was unconscious, yet conscious… how else can I explain it all.
 
Late in the day, I realised that all my curtains were still closed, and it was kind of dark inside.  I felt safer with the curtains closed.  Like… my house wasn’t feeling safe anymore… what if someone came to try and unblock what I had blocked… I was really scared and had a real sense of being in danger…
 
Next thing, my cellphone started to ring (family), and someone was hooting outside my yard… the very thing I was fearing for days was happening!  Immediately I started to feel panicked… suffocated… very tight chest… pounding heart… instant headache… EXTREME FEAR RACTION!  I became more hypervigilant than usual… felt as though I needed to hide, or to find an escape… I knew there was none.  Like a thief in my own home, I literally crept to the front door to make sure it was locked… petrified that the neighbours would let my family in.  What did they want?  They had no idea that in my mind, they had already left it too late to now, just arrive without any warning.  What did they expect me to do with that… I was already too lost in that foggy place.  I wished I had a way to secure my entire house in some kind of thick metal box to make it impenetrable (a coffin-effect)… the sense of EXTREME DANGER was overwhelming!
 
I gather it was my sister and nephew outside… did they have my father with them… how could they know what was happening in me and why that was frightening me so much…
 
I had not looked at our family WhatsApp group messages since my father’s birthday was mentioned on the 4th January where it suddenly became yet another danger zone for me.  Yesterday my sister sent me two WhatsApp messages when she was at the gate… I have still not been able to look at them, but I’m sure I will soon… when I can. 
 
Being so fearful of my house and emotions being invaded and feeling as though I was in danger, I started to think that  maybe, they will begin to worry about me because I was not responding, and send the police… that scared me even more… so I sent my sister a WhatsApp message to explain that I could not take messages or visitors, but I was okay.
 
Bizarre reaction analyzed
I was pretty much shut down for a time after that… the panic symptoms, tight chest and headache did decrease over the next few hours, but they did not go away until much later  What helped was that I had to go pick up my son and his co-workers from their work, so the sense of responsibility towards that task kept me from sinking too deeply. 
 
But for the rest of the day, I kept thinking deeply about my bizarre reaction to my sister and nephew’s attempt to visit and their calls… I could not believe how frightened my emotional reaction was.  It made no sense to me… I LOVE my little sister and nephew, even though I had been going through a state of mistrusting the love of my Greek family since my brother sold his shop without sharing that with me at all… it was the shock of that and a few other times in my past where I’d felt rejection by my family, which had caused all these weeks of separation-turmoil in my heart and mind, and in our family. 
 
Logic told me, that they were most definitely NOT there to harm me… that was not their intention, but I had no way of telling them that I knew that, when I was struggling so much with the fear-filled flashback reaction I was experiencing.
 
I desperately wanted to write to my online therapist… but thought… this is too big even for her… who could understand at all.  I thought about the lady whose website post I’d shared on my blog post on the 9th January… Lilly Hope Lucarioshe would definitely understand and be able to advise me… I tried so hard to contact her, but to no avail.  She is not available to answer questions, etc… I thought about Alice Miller, an author whose book I love “The Body Never Lies”, although I haven’t finished reading it yet.  I thought of Dr. Nadine Burke Harris… I have her book, “The Deepest Well”… I must find time to read it… she would also KNOW, but how would I be able to reach them… All I knew was that I needed help right there and then. 
 
The more I questioned how ludicrous my reaction had been, the more I questioned what Patty must have been through to have had such extreme fears… what had frightened her so much when she was so little.  I know it was mommy… but what had she done to instill that much fear in such a small child.  How could I help Patty now on my own…?  I have had to learn the hard way, that nobody else can help an inner child locked inside of an Adult self… (maybe the people I mentioned above would have some ideas for me), but for now… I’m on my own… still desperately trying to find my answers and to help my inner children to find healing… to help myself to put back all the pieces that were broken apart by the abusers of my past.
 
So many thoughts coursing through my mind… such a crazy-spinning-dilemma.
 
What I was able to do, was to find my place of absolute empathy for Patty… Even though I did not have any real answers for her to somehow find a way to hold her close in my heart… to reassure her of my unconditional love for her and in doing so, I was able to soothe and calm her fears.  Comforting Patty would help Patricia also to feel more in control of her/our situation.

​Last night, I slept reasonably well… almost 7 hours.  I could feel when I woke up, that something had shifted in my mind… the empathy I had shared with my Patty, I was now feeling towards my family also. 

I woke up to a letter this morning from my far-away sister, and in it was the words:

"Whatever you choose, I am with you."

That stood out for me and was a huge strength to me, because I wanted to believe it was true... no matter what... I was not alone.

Yesterday, in my desperation for someone to talk to, I ended up on a Facebook page where people prayed for each other, so I reached out for them to pray for me and my family... there were so many responses... and I responded to each and every one with gratitude... I believe that all those prayers sent by strangers (earth family) and all their words of love and their hugs sent, held power also to change my situation... I am grateful to them all... complete strangers who took the time to pray for my family and I... what a blessing ♥ With every message sent to me, I shut my eyes and repeated their words and actually felt their love and hugs as if physically... it was very special.
 
I think that what also helped also with my emotional shift was that Shem (the wonderful helper to all) had visited me on Wednesday, to help me get my house in order.  It had gotten so out of hand with the rush and long hours of the workshops, Christmas and then the housesitting, that I was just not coping anymore.  Then today, Shem came again to help in my garden, preparing beds, cleaning at the front and back, planting, mulching, moving pots, etc.  
 
When things around me are in order, it helps to create more order inside of me also.  I am truly grateful for Shem… he is the most willing, kind helper who is loved by so many.  I pray that he will never be used, because he does NOT deserve that for all he puts in to help each and every person who relies on his excellent services.
 
Right now, I’d like to raise money for Shem to have a bicycle again.  He took his last bicycle home during his holiday recently to give to his son to get too and from school.  I think we’d need to raise at least R1000 for him to get a decent second hand one.  There’s no promises he won’t take that one back to his country on his next holiday there for another relative in need, but that’s the heart of a good man and it is his family back home that he is working so hard for as well as just the obvious joy he receives in serving others here.
 
If anyone is willing to contribute for Shem to acquire another bicycle, I’d be so grateful.  I will leave my fundraising link below and when he has his new bicycle, I will post a photo of him with it.
 
Anyway, today with working in the garden with Shem, I have felt so much better and freer from my recent struggles, (the fog is lifting) and although I have still not been able to read all the recent WhatsApps on our family group, or listen to my near-by sister’s messages from yesterday, I was still able to go onto our family WathsApp page and post what I hoped to be a reassuring message to my family.  I wrote:
 
“Good afternoon family.  Just to let you know that from my side, things are improving.  I understand that there might still be tension due to lack of understanding, but there’s nothing I can do about that.  I’m okay with whatever, so long as you are not too far away.  Taking it slow still… Have a blessed rest of your day”
 
There were three reassuring responses which meant a lot to me… but then one member posted a picture of herself with my dad… Instant panic response again… so I have not been able to go back on there…
 
It was too soon…  
 
Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a continued shift towards healing… I don’t know how long this flashback thing will take before it is gone… but I am very grateful for the release of tension in me through progress that I have felt today.
 
I am very tired now and will be off to sleep shortly.  Goodnight beautiful world…
 
~ Panayiota​

Fundraiser R1000 - for a bicycle for Shem

I have been longing to write this post about a competition my Logotherapy friend Mary-Anne entered last year, and the beautiful clothes she won for both of us! 
 
The competition advert was posted on Facebook in August 2018
Stand a chance to WIN a R5000 Queenspark summer wardrobe for you and a friend!
TO ENTER, tell us who you'd like to share this amazing prize with.
 
And, this was Mary-Anne’s prize-winning entry
“I would share this amazing prize with my dearest friend Panayiota who is an adult survivor of child abuse, rape and domestic violence. Through her fear of leaving her home and suffering with panic attacks she works from home. Every month is a struggle to pay her bills and she often relies on friends and family for the necessities to survive. I don't think she has ever been on a clothing shopping spree. This is my wish for her.”

On the 1st October, Mary-Anne let me know that she had just received notice that she had won the Facebook competition that she’d entered.  Oh, my goodness me, we were both so excited and doing The Dance of Joy in anticipation of our big shopping spree day together!  We hadn’t seen each other in a while, so our joy was even greater! 
 
On the 13th October, we met at the shopping center with the Queenspark closest to Mary-Anne’s house… my youngest son came with me, because it was a long drive to a place I’d not visited before.
 
When we arrived, Mary-Anne soon found us, and we went together to have some tea and just chatted, while Mary-Anne had some breakfast… we’d already eaten before we left home.  It was wonderful to see my dear friend again… we had both studied Logotherapy around the same time.  I don’t have a good memory for details though… I just remember always loving her and being very close to her.
 
After tea, I sent my son off to watch a movie while Mary-Anne and I went to Queenspark where we introduced ourselves and were each given our R2500 gift vouchers. 
 
From there we walked around the shop going through all the clothes.  It was in my 50’s that I went into a clothes shop for the very first time in my life, to buy myself anything… I bought my work uniform… at the time, working for my therapist, so she sent me there.  I remember, it was such a big deal for me, that I actually started to cry when I went to the teller to pay for the skirts and blouses, I’d purchased… so embarrassing…  It was HUGE for me. 
 
A year or so ago, one of my colleagues took me to the shops to choose for myself and buy an outfit and that was also so very special.  In general, I have always worn second hand clothes and clothes I’ve worn for years… literally wearing them until they have disintegrated and can’t be worn anymore… and I still have those black skirts from my working days (? 2007), even though I’ve had to take them in three times because I lost so much weight.  So, clothes shopping is not something I have “given” to myself over all the years… I can always think of someone or something much more important to spend my money on… which I now realise has NOT been a good thing.  I need to think of “me” sometimes too!  Lovely people have bought me clothes along the way for special occasions or given me second hand and my daughter in law even made me a beautiful red dress once… but going clothes shopping for myself has been very rare and only since my 50’s that I can ever remember.
 
I have to say though, that I was in desperate need of new smart-clothes by the time Mary-Anne won that competition for us both, so it was like a true blessing from Heaven for me.  It was one month before the Logotherapy student workshops (three of them in a row over a three-week period during November and early December), so it truly has been very much appreciated and gave me added confidence during the workshops.
 
I got so caught up in going through all the clothes on our shopping day… so many beautiful items to choose from… each item quite expensive, so I knew that I had to be very careful of what I selected… it had to be the items of clothing I’d feel most comfortable and confident in.  It was such an incredible experience to know that I could do this and not have to worry about how much everything cost… to just get what I really would love most with that precious voucher in my hand.
 
Once we had tried on and selected our outfits, we went to the tills to exchange our vouchers for what we had chosen… I ended up with four beautiful blouses and a most beautiful dress.  I would love to have more dresses like that, but for now, I was blessed with what I felt would be most versatile with the wardrobe I already have… like my black skirts and some trousers I’d received from friends.  My friend managed to get 7 outfits with her voucher and we were both delighted.
 
A lady at Queenspark took photos of us and while we were there, another colleague of ours, Dana, joined us to share in our joy, and she took a photo which I will include below.
 
We then went to lunch with Danielle’s family and who paid for my lunch and my sons, which was so kind of them… we had a lovely and happy time together. 
 
After that, Mary-Anne, my son and I went around the shopping center to see if we could just find somewhere where we could find someone to fit a bra for me… just so that I could find out what size I am now since I lost so much weight.  The two bras I own do absolutely nothing for me, as can be seen in the photo, hahahaa! 
 
We could not find anywhere, except a French underwear shop, which wanted to charge me well over R1000 for a bra and would only fit if I was buying… unbelievable!!!  We gave that one a miss.
 
We then parted ways and went home after giving Mary-Anne a big hug to show my absolute gratitude for the beautiful prize she had won for me and a wonderful day spent together.
 
A few days later, my daughter in law blessed me with a sports bra that made such a difference… oh, my goodness me… I didn’t know I could look so good in a GOOD bra… hahaha!  I thought those days were long gone!  Only problem is that the straps do show when I wear that bra, but it’s so comfortable, I’m okay with it.
 
The strange things I do
For a good few weeks, I kept my five items of clothing safely in the packet I’d come home with.  I only took the dress out once or twice to wear out.  I can’t explain why I do it… I do it with some of my most precious birthday and Christmas gifts also… especially something that smells beautiful and makes me feel beautiful or like a real and beautiful woman.  It’s like I’m trying to cherish the moment… or to hang onto the feeling it gives me… it’s kind of sacred, so it’s been hard to come and write about it… I had to wait for the right time, and with all the negativity that has been clouding over me just lately, I needed to share something more positive… and this is making me feel so happy right now.
 
During the students’ workshops I wore four of my new clothes… for some reason I saved one blouse for another time… I guess I wanted to enjoy the feeling over again when I wore that one for the first time.  I am yet to wear it… still hanging onto the “moment” the day I spent with my dear friend Mary-Anne and her beautiful gift to me. 
 
I will wear it soon… on some other special occasion I suppose.
 
Mary-Anne… if you are reading this, I just want you to know how grateful I am for the beautiful gift you blessed me with and your kind and caring heart.  You really lifted me up with your love and for that I am truly grateful… for the knowledge of your friendship and LOVE.  Every time I wear my wonderful winning wardrobe, I will be thinking of you with LOVE also.
 
Please excuse the photos aren’t too great, but I hope they will still show how beautiful my new clothes are.  I had to edit some of them them to make them stand out more, because the backgrounds were too busy.

​Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with me.
 
~ Panayiota