To all who share my blog posts with me, this is to let you know that as from today, three years after I started my blog, I have at last opened my blog to commenting. 

I look forward to hearing from you all and getting to know better, those who share my life stories with me through these pages.

To leave a comment on any of the posts, you need not include your real name... you can use a pseudonym instead if you prefer.  You also do not need to add your e-mail address or a website address.  Add your e-mail address only if you wish to receive notification of any other responses or comments to the same post you commented on. 

I feel happy to be opening comments to you all now, because I am so grateful for the time you take so share with me, by reading my writings.  

Thank you very much... I am truly grateful for your presence here.

~ Panayiota

8 August ~ Managed just over 5 hours sleep last night... crazy!  Yesterday I shared photos I’d taken with my little camera, a Sony DSC-S800 with other bug photography enthusiasts on the Facebook page, “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things”.  I was so pleased with how well the photos turned out using the Macro setting on the camera my little sister gave me in 2012 when I visited her in Canada… and we attended the Logotherapy World Congress in Dallas Texas together then also… it was such a wonderful, wonderful time!  I just love the camera so much, but never really learned how to use it properly yet.  Seeing the other people’s incredible photographs there on the Facebook page inspired me to work out how to use it for myself.  I’m sure I need to learn a lot more about how to use it, but for now I had some encouraging success with it.  The reaction of the other photographers to my photographs made me feel so good and I think it was all too much excitement responding to so many unexpected comments, and that’s why I never slept well… hahaha! 
 
9 August ~ So, my Woman's Day here in South Africa was a quiet one... I suffered an all-nighter migraine and lay awake most of the night in extreme discomfort!  The kind of throbbing pain, that if I cry or panic, I know it will get a whole lot worse, so I just lay there staring into the darkness concentrating on trying to stay calm and relaxed.  I took pain meds before I went to sleep and got in a few short hours of sleep, then around 3am, when I couldn't take the pain anymore, I took more pain meds and thankfully the headache started to fade not long after I woke from another short sleep.  Felt very washed out and tight headed all day.  It felt like a bad tension migraine, because my neck and back were in a knot and felt better when I massaged where I could reach.
 
Our helper, Shem came and finished off the brickwork in my vegetable garden.  He's a good man!  I defy anyone to tell me otherwise!  I am so grateful once more for his kind and willing assistance. 
 
So... when Shem had done his work and I was letting him out of our gate, I noticed a whole lot of cars parked outside of my neighbours house and a big hullabaloo going on between all the people there... a man sees me and runs to ask me if I know where the man who lives next door is... I tell him I don't know, and it's been quiet next door just lately... he asks if the mom is there... I'm thinking they are friends because he seems friendly, so say no, she's probably at work at the pharmacy.  He reminds me it's a public holiday and goes to knock at their door... nobody answers, so, they all go rushing off.  I then realised that there might be some trouble brewing with our young neighbour who we have reported recently for his inconsiderate nonsense and breaking their gate which has also caused a widening crack in our wall!  I felt terrible, wondering if they were going to embarrass or frighten the old lady at her work.  I wish I’d never told the man that she was at the pharmacy which is close to where we live. 
 
About an hour later, the son arrived back and I have to admit, I was actually scared.  What if he is dangerous?  I have been on "Danger alert" from the first time I met him... EEEK! ... I'm also scared he will take revenge on us or damage our car which is parked in the same carport we share together with our neighbours! 
 
What is sad though, is that it seems that my previous neighbour who I had believed had become a very close friend, is no longer messaging me and she is ignoring my messages to her… I can only imagine, because I dared to complain about the young man who was staying with his parents who are renting from my previous neighbour.  Friendship is far too important to me to play games like that with… if the previous owner no longer cherishes the friendship we built up during her stay here, before she moved, and if she can let a good friendship go so easily, then I guess that’s the end of that then.
 
It’s how it always is… real friendships are seldom true I’ve discovered.  Which friendship can I really trust… WHO?  I guess that’s why I don’t like people to get too close and don’t trust easily.  It always hurts when I’ve given so much of my love and trust to someone else and it is thrown back into my face like this… HUMPH! 
 
And life goes on…
 
Pm: I had a wonderful drive with my sister and nephew to go and pick up my other nephew... it was so needed. We went to the North West Province, right near (Hartbeespoort Dam), and on the way we saw cows, horses, warthogs, springbok, donkeys and a monkey and I also saw guineafowl.  We loved the mountains and vast fields and bush, and on the way home, we enjoyed a beautiful big orange-ball sunset I felt thoroughly rejuvenated and ready for a good night’s sleep by the time we arrived home.
 
I LOVE MY FAMILY <3 <3 <3
 
10 August ~ I had Shem here all morning helping me with high-dusting... a long overdue, much needed job!  With the donations I received last month, I was able to do so much and feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness that we received.
 
Because we don't have finished walls, there is a good 1cm ledge on each brick as it juts out of the walls and all the dust collects on them.  So, Shem used a broom (and the vacuum) to sweep the walls! He also washed shelves and vacuumed carpets, under beds, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am to him also, for his hard work ethic and integrity.
 
I also worked hard, especially after he’d gone, because I needed to put things back on shelves and rearrange, etc.
 
11 August ~ am: Drove my dad and youngest son to work… a good drive away and on the way home, I stopped in to visit my daughter in law to meet their two new puppies.  Their house is not far from my youngest son’s place of work, so before I drove to her house, I let her know I’d be there in just a few minutes, so that she would send me her gate entrance code.  I was halfway up the hill (on the way home)… quite far from her house already when I realised I’d forgotten to turn at the robots after I had left my son’s work, so I had to turn around to go back!
 
Some things just can’t be explained when you get to my age!  Good grief!  I just shake my head at myself.
 
Pm: My oldest son (recently divorced) came to visit me which was a wonderful surprise.  He seemed a little down in the dumps and lonely when he arrived… spoke about feelings of not belonging in this world… not fitting in… not being understood… needing to find friends like himself… people who would understand and accept him.  My heart went out to him in a big way, because I truly understood and empathized 100%.  I knew exactly what he was saying and how horrible and lonely it feels to be in that state of difference in this world.  He was a lot happier by the time he left to go have supper with my littlest sister… I’m glad he came out to visit us all and just pray he will be able to find his true place in this world soon… he’s suffered so many terrible trials and tragedies already in his short life… starting with child abuse also… God bless him… There are people who should love him unconditionally today, but don’t… it breaks my heart and unsettles my soul terribly.
 
12 August ~ Drove my younger son and father to work again and ended up getting home too late to get ready in time for church.  Later in the day I went to visit my daughter for lunch while her husband was away on a business trip. I always enjoy her company so very much. 
 
I could get so mad with myself!  We were enjoying our lunch together in my daughters very quiet and peaceful garden, and she finished eating before me.  I immediately started to feel self-conscious, in case she could hear me chewing… totally ridiculous… and because I was feeling self-conscious, I bit my tongue badly… ANAH!!! 
 
Anyway, I took our little dog with to play with my daughter’s dogs and although she doesn’t let my daughters’ dogs get too close, she absolutely loves it there.  She spends her whole time strolling around their garden exploring everything with her nose.
 
Back at my home in the afternoon, I started work on my book again, but only managed a few pages… I’m having a very slow start to the self-editing thing.
 
Previously, on the 4 August ~ after managing only 26 of 201pages, I stopped, because the next title covered where I spoke about how I honestly believe that my 2nd husband might have managed to sexually abuse all of my children, so, I just couldn’t go there straight away… it was evening and I didn’t want to go to bed thinking about all that… the stuff my nightmares are made of!
 
12 August ~ Managed to get back to my book today... still slow progress... stopped on page 33.5 of 201... 167.5 more pages to go… BIG tiredness suddenly overcame me, so I couldn’t go on.  Rehashing over the past is exhausting.  I cannot wait for this book to be done!
 
13 August ~ Today, with my son off duty, we drove to Unisa in Pretoria to pick up books for our students.  I worried about the amount of petrol we would use but I needed those books… I felt I just could not make our new students wait for them. 
 
On the way, I was pulled over by police… I’ve always wondered how I’d survive that, because it has never happened to me before and looked so scary to me.  Anyway, what a lovely officer he was.  He asked if I had my license, I said yes and while I was digging for it in my bag, he checked the car’s license, came back to my window and said it was ok, I could go… but so polite… I still showed him my license anyway and thanked him for doing his work and wished him a good day.  It turned out to be a very pleasant experience indeed.
 
Collecting the books from Unisa was also a surprisingly good experience for my son and I.  The people at Unisa Press were so polite and helpful. 
 
I then took my son to visit the Cow Farm.  Armed with my little old camera, we were so disappointed with the fact that we couldn't find much in the way of little creatures to photograph there.  I'm pleased with my lizard photo but wished for a closer shot of the fly.  I felt really, REALLY sad that insects are so scarce these days.  I am hoping that summer will bring more little creatures for me to photograph.
 
I remember my childhood and so many goggas everywhere. We couldn't walk on a lawn without grasshoppers and other little grass bugs jumping in every direction... But now we're lucky if we can find a single moth visiting our house at night... it's really, very sad.  At least the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page and the beautiful posts there, brings some hope that there are still a variety of little creatures out there... but still, I feel sad imagining them becoming extinct at the rate things are going.  I want to take as many photos I can for my grandchildren to enjoy and teach them to appreciate and take care of our little creatures now while we have them.
 
Brown cow:  It’s amazing what sort of things I notice and ponder very deeply and that can mess with my head sometimes.  When we arrived at the cow farm, we sat in our car for a while, facing a field with cows on it.  We enjoyed our picnic in the car.  We noticed a group of black and white cows huddled around a trough that they were eating from, and a good few meters from the, all alone and strolling around on its own, was a brown cow.  WHY?  I wondered… why was there that one different colour cow and why was it keeping itself separated from the others?  Surely a cow doesn’t have a colour problem!  And then, off my mind goes on a philosophically emotional journey all on its own comparing the cow scenario to our human existence in this world… Why?  Why? Why?  Why should anyone feel pushed aside, because they are different in any way?
 
Then we went to visit the calves in their tiny little pens where they were lying on hay.  I ache for those little calves… each isolated in those cold, shady pens which for some reason made me think of the concentration camps.  I wondered if I should ever go look at them again… the inner child part of me just wants to delight in seeing and touching the baby cows… but another part of me identifies with what I imagine is their pain and loneliness.  I think of abused children… how much it hurts me to be aware of them and the people who are not doing their best to help them… would I just turn my back, because it hurts me so much to see them and because it makes me feel uncomfortable…
 
I said to my son… that the way some of those little calves responded to us… sticking out their long tongues, as if to try and drag us in to play with them, or just to hug them, and reaching up their little heads as close to us as they could and shutting their eyes as we scratched their necks… we were giving them a moment of happiness… company… love… attention…
 
The phenomenal POWER of a moment in time or a genuine heartfelt smile
Was that moment worth something to those little calves?  It was just a moment, but surely a moment of loving kindness is better than nothing at all from us.  If it was all we could give, then it had to be worth something.  So, as uncomfortable as it was for me to see them in their miserable state… I did feel good that we could give them a little of our time.  Should it not be the same for the children (and the aged and lonely, etc.) of this world… to show them that we care… a child begging on the cold hard street corner… could a gentle smile be better and kinder than an indifferent turn up of our nose and a shoo away with a flip of our hand?
 
Some of the only good memories I have as a child and the ones I believe had the greatest impact on my life, were the brief encounters with genuine loving kindness.  I write more about those in my book.  But if we realise just how much power for good and life-sustaining influence we can have on the entire life of a broken child, by just those small moments of kindness and goodness freely given to them, then we would not hesitate to be better and do better for their sakes.   
 
When we arrived back from Pretoria, I took my youngest son to buy himself some new underpants and a few pairs of socks.  We had run out of our donation-money by then, so I wasn’t able to buy extra work shirts for him… those will have to wait a bit longer.
 
I was extremely tired and totally wiped out by the evening and had a good night’s sleep after taking a slow-release magnesium tablet which helps me to sleep.
 
14 August ~ Extreme dissociation and wiped-out tiredness... I could barely hold myself up all day long.  I felt as though I had a deep-blocked depression.  Was it due to the stressful day of traveling the day before or the hurting-stress of seeing those little stuck-calves… I was not sure what exactly had triggered it…
 
Book self-editing work pm… only managed a few pages yet again… up to page 36 of 202 pages (166 pages to go) I am adding and trying to take away at the same time… I do want the book to be a lot shorter, but so far I’m not succeeding at deleting any parts.
 
15 August ~ Today was my Greek name day... for one day I can BE Panayiota.  I lovingly remember those rare few people who have ever honoured me with my own name during my lifetime... my Greek mom (stepmother) especially. Thankfully I have been introducing myself as Panayiota to our new students and I'm being honoured more often now with my own true name and I'm loving it.
 
My dear old daddy phoned to wish me happy name day but once again called me Pat throughout our conversation… ludicrous… but I have accepted it now.  My mother changed my name after their divorce, and I guess everyone got to know me as Patty as that’s what she called me from then on.  I must just accept that some people will never be able to know me by my true name… it’s okay… I now choose to give honour to my adolescent inner rebel self, by allowing her name, Patricia (even shortened to Pat) to be mentioned by those who are used to addressing me that way.  Patricia deserves to hear her name also.
 
My littlest sister also remembered my name day and visited with a gift of meat for my son and I, to grill for supper… a lovely-yummy treat!  I was very grateful that she remembered.
 
We are watched over… Just yesterday I wrote about how sad I was about not seeing so many goggas anymore and today, when I came home from a morning outing to visit one of our dear old church lady friends, as I walked through my gate, I spotted a great big green locust chilling on my lettuce.  I recognised instantly that it was a gift from Heaven!
 
NOBODY could ever convince me that we are not being watched over by Heaven… this sort of thing has happened to me so many times in my life, that I cannot begin to entertain the idea of coincidences anymore.  I truly believe that a presence from the other side of the veil connected with my sadness over not seeing so many insects and creatures anymore, and they wanted to bless me with this beautiful locust today.  It was well camouflaged against the lettuce leaves, so I could have very easily missed it, but it was the first thing I saw when I came through the gate into my yard. 
 
I have friends in Heaven and I feel their love and I am overwhelmed once more with gratitude, this time for yet another gift of love to me.
 
In case you are wondering why I love little creatures so much, then here’s what I shared with someone on the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page recently:
I grew up a severely abused child... so, animals and little creatures became my friends and refuge. I also spent hours looking through a microscope at the wonders of creation... or making a pet of some creature or other and finding food for it every day... I still do that today.  I guess, I feel like I'm recapturing some of that wonder now when I look at the beautiful photos on this Facebook page... it truly touches my heart. There were very few happy things I can remember from my childhood, so when I can connect with those now, it is very meaningful to me. I really, with all my heart, appreciate the work you and everyone else is doing on this page... thank you so much.  I was reminded today as I showed my grandchildren some of the photos here, of a poem I once wrote for a neighbours child who loved goggas.
 
GOGGAS!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I love goggas; I guess you won't agree,
Hairy, ugly spiders are the best that there could be.
Especially the big ones with beady little eyes,
And nasty pointed fangs that catch the passing flies.
And as for snakes, well they're just great,
When girls go near them, there're in a dreadful state.
But I don't have a problem, because snakes don't scare me.
I like them as fat and as long as can be.
Scorpions too are so much fun.
I find them under rocks, hiding from the sun.
I love their tails, arched up high,
In anticipation of a yummy insects strolling by.
Centipedes are the funniest of all,
They have hundreds of legs, but they're not very tall.
How fast they can run with all those feet,
If they run towards you, you'll spring from your seat.
I love the buzzing of the busy bees,
As they hum around flowers with pollen on their knees.
And those lovely red ants that nip so sore,
I just pull them off, oh, what a bore.
I can't understand why Mom gets so mad,
Whenever I mention the creatures I've had!
I collect them in bottles and boxes too.
Come visit anytime, I'll show them to you.
 
(23rd April 94 – For Dino – The Greatest Bug Lover Ever!)
 
This month’s unexpected expenses
I had three days of taking my daddy and youngest son to work and the trip to Pretoria and back… on the 10th August, I filled the petrol tank which came to nearly R800!  I was totally shocked, because it was only a few days before that we had put R100 in just to keep it going then.  I realise that I will be asking for R3000 to get to and from the three students’ workshops in November, otherwise I won’t make it.  Please if anyone can help… please do… I don’t want to miss any of the workshop time with my mentor and our wonderful students.
 
Whilst cleaning the walls on the 10th, the long neon bulb on the kitchen roof fell off and smashed to pieces.  Our handyman came a few days later to replace it with a normal roof light and bulb, only charging us R200 which I was grateful for, but it was still an unexpected expense.
 
The front door gate and door locks suddenly seem to be faulty... and me with my fears, imagined our scary (to me) neighbour might have been trying to get into our house while we were out... I know I'm jumping to conclusions... but that's how my mind works when someone scares me as much as he does!  So now, both locks need to be replaced... the one might just need a new key.  We have bought a new lock and keys for the front door’s security gate which no longer locks… that cost us R231.50… we still need help to put it in, because the last one does not have screws but pop-rivets instead which will need to be ground out.  If anyone living nearby is reading this and can help with that we’d really appreciate it very much. Also, the internal door lock, on the new door leading from our lounge into the hobby room still needs work… I think the hole is offset and causing problems with the functioning as a result.  My bedroom and sitting room lights need work also.  I’ve not had a roof light in my bedroom for about one or two years now since my son broke the connection trying to screw the bulb out… and the lounge light has been faulty since we moved here in 2012, so we only use the kitchen light to illuminate the lounge also which is not a lot of light for the lounge at night.
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.  I wish goodness and blessings on all who share my writings with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
(To comment, you need not include your real name, e-mail address or a website address… you may use a pseudonym if you prefer and leave your comment)

​On the 9th August, my overseas sister and I were having a WhatsApp conversation which I rather enjoyed so just wanted to share. 

It all started with my sister sharing a little video of her one grandson holding a microphone at church and as carefree as any happy child could be, he was singing his little head off and dancing around.  He was born with a form of congenital cancer in one ear and after many operations and much hospital care and then a wonderful miracle, he was finally cured of the cancer, but has lost hearing in that ear, so his speech is a little delayed.  Then my sister mentioned how his older brother loves singing opera and is in a school choir, which I thought was so sweet.  I told her that I was enjoying learning more about my great nephews who I have never met and joked that I think they got their singing genes from our side of the family.  We have never forgotten listening to our daddy singing when we visited him.  We loved his singing.

One of his favourite songs was, “Born Free”… he used to cry when he sang that.  My dad suffered and struggled a lot as an orphaned child and I think he carried a lot of pain inside of him.  I fancy myself as a bath-tub opera singer, hahaa!  And my sister has a beautiful voice too and loves to write the most beautiful songs, mostly with a Christian theme.  I’ve written piles of poetry which I’d love to be put to music.  My two lullabies have already been put to music and I love those.  Used to sing them to my own children.  We love singing the songs our daddy loved, because we loved them too and they remind us of him.  "Que Sera, Sera" was another one we remember that he loved, and some Greek songs which I don’t know how to spell, so can’t share.  I wish I could add voice recordings here, but it’s just too expensive.

We started to reminisce on our favourite singers and just some of our most remembered songs that we used to love and sing as we were growing up… and some we are still singing today. 

Born free (original theme song from the film of the same name)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov6aef8DTqg

Doris Day
Que Sera Sera
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc

Greek singer, Nana Mouskouri… we had her record and loved every song on it.
The White Rose of Athens
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hlx8Y6x0nFE
I have a dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7g54mit4qU

Demis Roussos… my sister’s husband used to sing just like him… too lovely!  
Forever and ever
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3vCB3YBMUo
My friend the wind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdNkTZitRmU

The Singing Nun (1963)
Dominique 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO7cD6qmydo

​Simon and Garfunkel
Bridge over troubled water
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G-YQA_bsOU
Sound of silence
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAEppFUWLfc

Cliff Richard
Bachelor boy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz9zusc7gqk
The young ones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxNohANhJiA
Daddy’s Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJJuYpx0w2Q

Jim Reves
The Shifting Whispering Sands
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgAvHo6vpe4

Roger Whittaker
Elizabethan Serenade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3-IoylSOuc
(beautiful…  my sister remembers me whistling this a lot… I have a special yodeling kind of whistle today that fascinates my grandchildren and I wonder if it was from all the practice I had when I was younger with this whistling song)

Richard Chamberlain
All I have to do is dream (Dr Kildare television series)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxpkaasgYnk

Mike Oldfield
Tubular bells
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSRJvq4Wd48

The World of Max Bygraves
You're A Pink Toothbrush
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-rcZh0A64s

John Denver
Annie's Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNOTF-znQyw

The Irish Rovers
The Biplane Evermore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iEf-Vn-vfE

Sara Brightman
A song she used to sing using her soprano voice… without words… I used to sing it too, but unfortunately never got the name for it.

George Frideric Handel (My sister went to a performance of Händel Messiah)
The Hallelujah Chorus Old Version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssYmHpjLicg

During our WhatsApp conversation, some of the songs above were ones my sister remembered most and other’s ones I remembered most and most of them we shared our memory-love for.  I’ve only included what came up first in our conversation, but there were so many, many more we could have included as we continued to reminisce after our conversation.
 
As I put together the links to the songs above, I felt very emotional… hearing the songs took me back… not to vivid memories of any kind, but to some subconscious memories long-lost to my consciousness.  All I do know is that music used to keep us going.  To this day, if I am very overtired, or in any kind of emotional distress, very often, songs from my past will surface as my subconscious connects to a current situation that triggers a foggy past-time long ago when that song might have been a comfort or strength to me then. 

The music from our past has today left a warm and comforting legacy to our souls… I don’t know if that makes sense.

Leaving a Legacy
I was ready to go to sleep, so to finish off our WhatsApp conversation, my sister who is a devout Christian wrote:  “I am just completing a bible study on Ruth for our ladies group… how the Lord weaves a story for His glory… our tiny mark on the timeline of history leaves a legacy that may impact generations hundreds of years in the future.”

I responded: “I hope we are indeed worthy of a legacy.  I have felt invisible for most of my life, so it would be good to at least die a somebody.  How wonderful my sister.  I love you.”

My sister’s response: “You are already a somebody in God’s perspective.  He does love us to do well with our dash between birth and death.”

Me: “Yes… In Heaven’s Eyes, I KNOW without doubt I’m a somebody… but I really want to finish my life as a somebody in this world too… working hard to get there…

And I love my sister’s response to that: “Sometimes our legacy is seemingly unseen, like Sister Cecilia, she had no idea that she impacted our lives so deeply.  Some people will only find out in Heaven how Amazing their lives and legacy were.”

And then my sister wished me goodnight and I wished her a good day, because we are on opposite sides of the world.

I am grateful for all who shared with me today… thank you.

~ Panayiota

I found this poem the other day.  I often forget the things I have written (especially as I’ve written well over 1000 poems since I was 12 years of age), so it’s good to be reminded sometimes.  I’d written this one in 2003… (15 years ago).  I wrote it for my mother and only in 2006, did I begin my therapy journey where I learned that it was necessary to nurture my own inner child… so today, I realise that this poem is for all adult survivors of child abuse that are struggling in a similar way to how my own mother and I struggled.  Mother was an adult survivor of severe child abuse also.
 
I’m just going to talk a bit about the meaning of the poem as I see it, but perhaps you will also see something to discuss about it and add, so I do encourage feedback if you have time please.
 
1st verse ~ The line, “And named her after me” stands out for me and I’m glad that I highlighted it in the original poem, because that makes more sense to me now.
 
I believed that my mother hated me for my weaknesses, because they merrowed her own weak and her troubled inner-child who she perhaps had not learned about yet… or could not accept.  She was unable to face her own struggles, so blamed the world and me for the turmoil she was experiencing.  She was always on the attack… her way of protecting herself… “I’ll get you, before you can get me!” … was the inner-motto I believe that she lived by… even subconsciously.
 
I think I mentioned before that as opposed to my mother’s way of handling her turmoil, my inner-motto is more on the lines of, “I’ll leave you, before you can leave me!” … although, I think this one also belonged to my mother… first she’d go into “attack and destroy” mode, and then she’d RUN!  Always on the move… never resting from her struggles… whereas, I prefer to run, before the destroying happens… the minute I feel it coming… I run… especially where I feel myself (my psyche) being further destroyed by the actions of others.  When I realise I’m not coping and that my reaction to their actions is seriously overwhelming me… that’s when it’s time to remove myself from the situation… completely!
 
I can’t tell you how relieved I feel since separating myself from various areas where I was feeling the tension was too overwhelming for me to bear… I’d rather be stuck at home entirely alone… a homebound-hermit, than in a crowd where I don’t feel comfortable, welcome, or happy… where I don’t feel totally accepted, loved and belonging.
 
But on deeply pondering recent events, it highlighted for me just how easily I can let EVERYONE GO, when just one has upset me enough to put me into that place of “not trusting in anyone or anything” anymore. 
 
If I stop to think logically about the situation that I am creating for myself… all by myself, I realise how illogical it is!
 
Just yesterday, this person or that was somebody who I totally trusted… I felt their love and acceptance, so how could I allow the breakdown of one person’s trust to have so much affect on so many of my other relationships… I need to stop that destructive and soul-destroying “psychological movement” that is able to take me so far off course… it is based on lies from my past and twisted perceptions… I cannot allow it to happen… I must stop myself from running from “ALL”, when it is only “ONE” I felt I needed to run from in the first place! 
 
So, I STOP!  I THINK!  Just yesterday, this person or that one loved me… I felt their love… I believed it was real… has anything changed between them and I for me to be trying to run from them also?  
 
NO!  Nothing has changed between us… only my perceptions and sense of trust has been damaged again and that has nothing to do with them at all… that’s my weakness, not theirs… (The self-destructive power of the damaged mind).
 
Don’t let the past beat you anymore Patty-Patricia-Panayiota… Don’t allow anymore beatings!  Don’t allow any more LOSS!
 
Okay… so I’ve got this… I understand it now… I need to stand firm to nurture my “good” relationships as opposed to running away from them also… I need to believe that they still care just like they did yesterday… they are not cross with me (mommy was cross with me many years ago… not my good friends today)… they still love me the very same today as they did yesterday… they still accept me… they still want me in their lives… I’M OK… YOU’RE OK…
 
So, even if a part of me is struggling to believe it… I must… MUST continue to nurture those “good” relationships and to keep them close… I NEED THEM! 
 
It’s the hardest thing to go against what the negative psyche is demanding… DANGER!  RUN!  NOBODY LOVES YOU!  YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! etc. … I can’t explain what it feels like… I have to keep telling myself… IT’S OKAY… THEY DO LOVE YOU STILL… YOU’RE NOT BAD… THEY NEED YOU TOO… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY…
 
So, I send a friendly WhatsApp message, because I realise that’s what I need to do… it’s hard… but it’s healing, especially when they respond, just the same way they did yesterday… nothing has changed… except my perception… my self-talk… I’ve been allowing myself to hear the voices from my past again…
 
Will those voices ever cease?  How dare they continue to unsettle me so powerfully… I must keep on taking my power back… I must never give in to “them”… I must NEVER give up on the battle of my life! 
 
That just made me think of another poem I once wrote… sorry… it’s a longish one… (I posted it on my blog before on the 2nd September 2015, if you want to go see what I wrote about it then… I have updated it today, as I do all my works as I gradually grow stronger and with more understanding, emotional maturity, etc.)
 
THE BATTLE OF MY LIFE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

The battle of my life was a bitter one indeed,
A fight to overcome abuse on the battlefield of need!
All alone I fought the evils of my past,
Every haunting enemy, until I’d killed the last!
But somehow I couldn’t beat them, for the enemy was large,
They advanced on me so often with their mighty battle charge!
The ghosts of the past I called them, with their cruel and nasty ways,
The abusers of the innocent would haunt my future days!
So often I would beat them, but always they’d return,
Just to mock and tease and cause my soul to burn!
But some mighty force within me would put out each blazing fire,
As I grew a little stronger and climbed a little higher.
It was the battlefield of memories and the battlefield of guilt,
Where I fought the strongest enemies in the place that we had built.
It was very rare indeed for a friend to join me there,
In the battle of my life, most couldn’t understand the fear.
Some would take up arms and join me, but only for a day,
For the battle was too difficult and very few would stay.
Some would stand quite out of reach and hear my desperate shout,
Then throw my words right back at me, in a twisted, teasing clout!
They’re the ones, who claimed my friendship, but never really cared,
The pain they caused was devastating, much more than I had feared!
My battle then was lonely, and never seemed to end,
I had to learn the hard way, there’s only ‘One’ whose aid will send.
When I fell upon my knees before the enemy so strong,
And looked toward the Heavens, begging to heal the wrong,
My God looked down upon me with mercy in His Eyes,
And helped me win my battle to the enemies’ surprise!
For He would send true friendship, His Love I can’t deny,
To give the strength I needed to stare the enemy in the eye.
For these rare friends stood their ground and fought right there by my side,
A force so strong and mighty, on which I trusted and relied.
They sustained and helped me through the trials that seemed the worst,
My trusting, loyal friends who helped defeat “the curse”.
Understanding, loving friends were the best gifts that I had,
On my battlefield of life, where I fought my past of bad.
With them I could defeat the beast that caused the war,
And leave that awful battlefield, victorious and sure.

(11th August 99)

A long weekend starts tomorrow for us here in South Africa.  I have one more blog post to catch up on all I felt t share with my readers… hopefully this week, and then I need to get some more self-editing work done on my book!  I must make the absolute most of my quiet time at work right now.
 
Thank you for sharing with me. 
 
~ Panayiota

    
Four very generous donations were sent to us over July, ranging from R200 to almost R5000, so all in all, we received just over R7000 as a gift to us from the kind hearts of others.  If I remember it all, I would like to share with my readers what my son and I spent this wonderful blessing on.
 
Lawn mower and weedwhacker:  We urgently needed those ever since our last neighbours moved away a few months ago.  They were so kind and used to mow our lawn for us.  With our new lawnmower, we will do our best to mow our own lawn, and the neighbours whose lawn we share.  They are very old and would not be able to do it themselves.  The old man recently broke his pelvic, so we will be only too pleased to give them a hand with our brand-new lawnmower and weedwhacker, whenever possible… such joy!  A big thank you to all those who assisted us during our times without a lawnmower, and now it’s time to pay-it-forward with the greatest of pleasure.  We bought a box of extra nylon cord for the weedwhacker so that we have a supply on hand each time it runs out in the machine.  We also bought a good quality grass rake.  The cheaper ones handing next to it in the store already had teeth missing before they were even sold, so we decided against one of those!
 
Lock for our hobby room door: We were amazed to find that instead of the R500 that our handyman quoted for a new door lock for our glass doors in our new hobby room, my son was able to find one for R155.95 at our local hardware store… we were both very pleased about that!  My youngest son who has not yet proved to be in any way handy around the house, installed the locking system himself… I was so proud of him.  I’m actually very proud of all my children right now, they grew up never even being allowed to touch or hold their stepfather’s tools in their hands… we lived in squalor conditions when they were growing up, yet my older boys in particular and my daughter and children-in-laws are all very much into building, painting, improving their homes and lives and the lives of their children, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me… and to see my youngest son doing his little bit in our home too, brings a real sense of peace and joy to my heart and mind.
 
Vacuum cleaner:  Before we got a proper vacuum cleaner, I couldn’t wait anymore, so with the gift I bought myself a Roto Clean (a kind of push vacuum that flicks dirt into a container with its rotating bristles… Even though it’s not as strong or as big as the one’s I remember from my childhood, I don’t feel it’s a waste of money, because I cannot use a vacuum due to the dust (allergens) that still escapes a vacuum when it’s running.  And sweeping also sends dust flying, so the Roto Clean is perfect for me to keep floors clean when my sister’s helper, Esnath, is not able to come help.  A lot of dust comes into our house each day.  I see gaps where our ceiling meets the wall and wonder if that’s where a vast majority of the dust is coming from… I don’t know the words for the strip that connects the ceiling panels to the wall (like the skirting board on the floor end of the wall), so will share a photo of what I’m talking about.
 
We did buy a vacuum the other day though, when we had a chance to go to the shops.  As we hadn’t bought a new vacuum in years we had no clue what would work best and ended up buying a Genisis… which Esnath will try today if she comes, and I just hope it works well.  My daughter also gave us her old one after we had bought the new… hers, being so old does have a few problems (pipe and filter falling out) and probably won’t last much longer, but will be good to do the initial vacuuming with, because it’s been a long time since we could do the job properly.  If the new vacuum works well, we might then pass the old one onto someone else in need.  (any vacuum is better than no vacuum) It will be so good to de-dust this house properly at last!
 
Garden help:  I asked Shem to come help us prepare our garden for Spring.  He came the day before yesterday to clean up our garden and dig the veggie patch and he came yesterday to finish off the walling that needed to be done to separate the veggie patches and stop flooding and soil erosion during heavy rainfall.  He will finish that job later today when the first phase brick laying has dried enough.  We bought the sand and cement with the donation gift and pay Shem R100 for each day that he helps us.  He generally only needs half a day to finish each job… and each job is well worth R100 for the immense effort he puts in.  I would need four days of his assistance this month and once the concrete is all dry, I will need him to visit another day to help fully prepare our veggie gardens for summer planting… for that we bought bags of compost, potting soil and manure as well as ferterliser to refresh the garden beds well.
 
Dusting:  Shem will also come on one day to do high dusting of our two bedrooms and the lounge.  That help is desperately needed right now.  Every now and then it’s good to make sure that the house is as dust free as possible, so I’m really grateful that he is willing to come and do that for us.  I’ll get a dust mask for him to wear when he does the job.  We have brick walls in our house, and every brick jutting out collects dust on it (Oh how I wish the walls were plastered).  Shem will even need to vacuum or sweep the walls to sort that problem out.   He works thoroughly and fast and is such a pleasure to receive help from as a result. 
 
Vitamins:  With the extra money this month, I decided to try some vitamins that I feel I could really do with, and because my far-away sister went onto vitamin D recently, I decided to give it a go also… because what’s good for her must be good for me too, because she already suffers far worse than I do with arthritis… so I bought a bottle of vitamin D3. 
 
I also bought slow release Magnesium, because I know that helped me to sleep in the past and I really struggle to sleep a lot of the time these days… and it’s really been helping since I bought it. 
 
I spoke to the pharmacist about my tummy issues and he suggested, Aloe pills called Natrelax, to help with regularity which I suffer terribly from due to no longer eating carbs, sugars, etc.  The Natrelax has been working well but has the worst taste ever for me… absolutely horrible tasting tablets that I now dread putting into my mouth… but for now, they seem to work… So for now, I don’t seem to have an option.  I’ve tried other things, and either they are too expensive or don’t work well enough.
 
A while back I bought vitamin B co to try help with stress levels causing my lips and the sides of my lips to turn red, burn and peel… it flares up for a while, looks terrible, dries and starts to peel and as it looks like it’s healing, it’s suddenly back again!  I’m self-conscious enough without that problem!
 
I’ve been taking the Vit D3 and the B co on odd days, to make it last…
 
But… the gout has been threatening since this last weekend and I’ve been wondering why… could just be stress and a few recent triggers that caused some emotional setbacks causing it.
 
So, I decided to look up the vitamins on the net… I love what I found out today which I hope will be helpful to some of you too:
 
Vitamin D3
https://vitamindwiki.com/Gout+and+Vitamin+D
The relationship of gout to calcium and vitamin D is complex. Gout is associated with insulin resistance, low vitamin D levels, and inflammation, all of which interfere with muscle synthesis. One study has found that patients with gout have lower vitamin D3 levels correlated with higher urate. Mar 14, 2018
Gout and Vitamin D | Vitamin D Wiki
 
Magnesium:
https://goutandyou.com/gout-and-magnesium/
Magnesium will lower your blood pressure making your heart work more efficiently reducing any excess strain on it. The more your blood flows smoothly in your body, the more excess uric acid your body can remove avoiding any crystallization in the joints which can cause a gout attack. Actually magnesium has been shown to be an effective treatment for acute cases of gout
 
This is good news to me, because since I put on the extra 4 ½ kg’s since May due to upsets that have unsettled my eating pattern control-ability, I found that I was waking nights with a mild headache… wondered if that extra weight was already affecting my blood pressure!  I have to get my eating under control again!  I cannot let it get anywhere near where I used to be!  I truly believe I was on deaths doorstep back then!  NEVER AGAIN!!! 
 
https://draxe.com/magnesium-supplements/
(Scroll down the page on this internet link, until you get to number 4 of the 9 important magnesium benefits section)
Magnesium helps relax muscles within the digestive tract, including the intestinal wall, which controls your ability to go to the bathroom. Because magnesium helps neutralize stomach acid and moves stool through the intestines, taking magnesium supplements is a natural way to help you poop!
 
Also, good news for me… I’m sure it will help with the IBS “pain in the abdomen” symptoms as a result!!!
 
Vitamin B complex:
Vitamin B12 | Natural Medicine Journal
https://www.naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2011-11/vitamin-b12
Use cautiously in patients with a history of gout, or elevated uric acid levels, as the correction of megaloblastic anemia with vitamin B12 may precipitate gout in susceptible individuals. ... Avoid in patients sensitive or allergic to cobalamin, cobalt, or any other vitamin B12 product ingredients.
 
Maybe I need to stop the vitamin B co for a while and see if these gout-threat symptoms improve what happens when I start taking them again… maybe the vit B12 in it is predisposing towards the gout.  I really don’t need that terrible acute gout agony again!  EEEEK!
 
Clothes for my son:  We still have enough donation money over to take my son shopping for new underclothes, socks and two more work shirts, so that’s next on the list and probably all that we will have money left over for.  As soon as he has time off again, we will go shopping for what he needs.  Probably the Saturday after next, because he will be having the weekend off then.
 
 
It has been such an incredible joy to be able to buy all these most needed supplies at last and get so many important things done.  We are very grateful to those who have helped us last month and over all the times before.  My older children included… and to the people who have helped me with second hand clothes also.  What a blessing you all have been… thanks you so much!
​
 
So, all that’s left right now that we would still ask assistance with would be:
A bath to shower swap… Anything from R4000-R5000 I believe would be enough for that… also to retile the bathroom, because so many tiles have fallen off the walls and broken, so it’s not pretty to look at and reminds me of where we’ve come from… I’d rather it looked a bit more like where we’re heading.
 
I’d also like to raise at least R2000 worth of petrol money to get me too and from my home to Unisa over the time of the students’ workshops in November.
 
We’d love to have the dripping tap sorted out in the kitchen, so that might be the very next thing on our list after buying my son’s clothes.
 
And most important now, is to get my computer and printer sorted out.  I have been unable to use my printer ever since we changed the ink in it… just some setting, or something went wrong… and my computer is so slow and flashes a lot to connect to each page I try to go to… like Outlook, Word and even online… it’s so frustrating and time consuming!  It also doesn’t do some of the time saving things I used to have on my last computer, so I guess those are just settings.  I will have to take it in to the computer store sometime for help with these problems.
 
The very last thing I’d ask for after everything else, would be for money to help me get some clothes and underclothes for myself.  I really do need that, but everything else is more important for now.
 
Much gratitude to a beautiful world out there.
 
~ Panayiota

28 July: My youngest son arrived home from work around 20h30 and at around 21h30, he went to close the neighbours gate, because it had been left open for hours already!  Their house lights were off, which means that they had just decided to leave the gate open (or forgotten to shut it), which totally exposes our car to would be thieves passing by, as we share the carport… each of our gates closing together at the center.  Our car may as well have been parked out on the street!  The neighbour has destroyed their gate motor, so now they just pull the gate open and closed and don’t lock it, so we have little protection, even when they have closed it!  We could lock the two gates together giving the neighbours a copy of the key, but with their son coming home all hours of the night (possibly intoxicated), we can’t take that chance.  So, I am still feeling very uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home due to this problem.  The noisy and offending “gate-crasher” has been reported to our complex body corporate though, by three neighbours, so hopefully at least the gate will be fixed soon so my son and I can be safe again.
 
29th July: I went to church in the morning and absolutely loved the talks, although they were mostly emotional today, they were beautiful and truly from the heart.  I love when people feel safe in a crowd to share freely from their hearts in a genuine, unforced and unexpected way.  It’s not something we see often these days.  I found myself crying with them, but only because of the love, faith and hope that I could feel from them and felt with them, and not because of their sadness and pain.
 
After church, I went to my daughter and son in law’s house for lunch.  While I was there, they washed my car and my son in law fixed the idling on my car… unbelievably, that’s what the problem has been all this time… it had nothing to do with the timing or air flow meter.  I am so grateful we were spared that expense.  He is such a fantastic young man who learned many skills and a great work ethic from his own father… he’s always building or fixing things and is such an inspiration to me.  I’m so grateful that my daughter was blessed with a truly good husband.
 
1st August:  After less than 5 hours sleep last night, it's been another kind of day, but somehow, I did get work done... watered my thirsty garden (long overdue) and wrote letters to all our provisional students to encourage them to finish their registrations by making their payment so I can send them their study packs.
 
Bit my inner cheeks bad in my sleep last night... owee!  Thank goodness that doesn't happen often!  Usually only when there’s a certain kind of stress trigger getting to me… not sure what this time around!  Maybe still connected to the “sirens” panic attack thing that happened on the 27th July…?
 
2nd August:  Less than 5 hours sleep last night… felt terrible all day!  I was invited out in the evening by the most fun bunch of girl-friends, but couldn’t accept… I was just too tired to function anymore.
 
3rd August: I slept well last night due to pure exhaustion but still had quite a difficult “drifting day” again… dissociating quite a bit.  I went to post a student’s study pack and popped into the pharmacy while I was there.  After chatting with a very helpful pharmacist, I bought myself some magnesium tablets to help myself to sleep.  I also bought the magnesium, because it helps with abdominal cramps, as well as for digestion and regularity which I need help with.  My strict diet has created some havoc with my tummy-works!
 
I also bought some vitamin D3 to help with bone health… I was told a while back after having a bone density test that I needed to be on something but could not afford to stick to that medicine-regime.  My little sister in America has just been told to go onto vitamin D, so I decided to join her on that as we both suffer from aching joints… her arthritis is a whole lot worse than mine though, so I’d imagine it would be advisable for me to follow her Dr’s recommendations, in the hopes that I prevent my own aches and pains from worsening as I age further.  The Vit D I will only take every few days though to make them last longer… I think it’s better to have some every now and then at least, than none at all. 
 
4th August:  Nighbour revving loudly outside my yard during the morning.  Well… I didn’t go out to look, so I can’t guarantee it was him… but it sure sounded the same.  I worried that other neighbours would think it’s us, because the revving was happening outside our yard… Which reminds me of the time the neighbour washed one of the cars he brought home to mend… put the cars carpets out on our lawn to dry when they have a perfectly good lawn of their own on their side of the carport drive… weird… but I let that one go.  Some things just aren’t worth getting all discombobulated about!  (I’m sure that’s not the right word, but it sure sounded just right to me!)
 
Work has been quiet which is has proved to be a problem for me… I still struggle with disconnection when it’s too quiet… tend to dissociate more… but, thankfully I have managed to get a lot of work related checking and updating done anyway… just by persisting through the dissociative episodes and refusing to give into them!
 
Bewildered:  Sr. Cecilia’s letter missing… found in Trash.
That was weird… on the 16th July, sister Cecilia wrote to me and sent me a photo she had of our mother, my brother, sister and me.  It was a photo I’d never seen before and one that was taken while our mother was still married to our abusive stepfather, or just after her divorce from him.  Sr. Cecilia remembers me as Patricia Jooste… the name I was called by when our mother was married to the child molester… I absolutely HATED that name for so many years, as mentioned in recent blog posts.  Jooste was the stepfather’s surname.  I had no identity of my own back then… probably 14 years when the photo was taken, because Sr Cecilia said in her letter that she left Rhodesia 1971, so the photo was probably taken in 1970.  I am going to keep that photo to publish in my book rather than share it now, because it tells quite a story of its own.  As sister Cecilia wrote about me in the photo when she sent it: “You are at the back and looking very grown up.” Yes… in the picture, my sister, brother and mother are sitting in front of me… my mother looks so young… I don’t remember her ever looking so young… I’m standing behind them with my arms around reaching them… I’m sporting a dreadfully puffy-poodle hairstyle… must have been the rage back then, but when I look at it now, it’s far too old for a 14-year-old!  I had become “the little mommy” from when I was very young… so often already taking care of my own siblings and mother.  A part of me was indeed already very grown up… I had lost my childhood before I’d even experienced it… and a part of me was still very young, younger than a 14 year old, but that part was already broken and trapped somewhere deep inside of me.
 
What baffled me today though, was to realise that since the 16th July when Sr. Cecilia sent me that photo, I had not responded to her yet.  It seemed so weird to me, because I didn’t feel that the photograph had upset me… why had I kept forgetting she had written… kept forgetting to write back to her… what was that all about… so I decided to go look for the letter, so I could write back… but I could not find it.  I was totally baffled.  I searched my computer, but it was nowhere to be found.  Hours later, I decided to look in my Outlook Trash folder… and lo and behold, there it was… had I deleted it after sending the picture to my sister days before… WHY?  I look at Patricia’s smile in the photograph… I don’t believe it was real… did Patricia delete the photo… and then I forgot yet again to respond to Sr. Cecilia… (it’s the 6th August now, as I am compiling this blog post… tomorrow I must write to Sr. Cecilia… I must not forget or subconsciously stop myself from doing so again!)
 
Back to my book at last!
 
Early am – Wrote on Facebook:
I’m hoping to work on my book today, but lacked sleep once more and feeling deep-draining tiredness again... could be mental avoidance happening (“dissociative chronic fatigue syndrome” as I now call my deep-tiredness thing)... but once I start on the book again, I know I will be fine... it's just getting there that's the problem... I would rather be totally chilling on the top of a mountain or on a beach somewhere... So, switching off FB and everything else so that there's no excuses or distractions and opening the book onto my desktop now... I'll update you on it later... let's hope I can get it right!
 
Late pm – Updated on Facebook:
I managed six hours of book-work today... not bad for the first day back with it. I will take a break now.  I only managed to start on the book at 11am... procrastinated until then, but once I started it was full steam ahead and I'm hooked again!  I reached a particularly difficult part now which I don't want to tackle before bed time.
 
I stopped on page 26 of 201... (175 pages still to go) ... but the book might still grow a bit, because I have some more important memories to add which I remembered and added last year before the computer crash... they can't be left out.  Hopefully, I will be able to shorten areas also... I've got to work on that too!
 
5th August
Please Father in Heaven… please restore what was lost…
This morning I went to church and I’m so glad I did, even though I had a tough start to the day.  My family (second son, daughter in law and three grandchildren) arrived later than usual, and so I sat alone in the pew for longer than usual, so that could have initiated a change in my emotional strength for the day.  While I’m alone in the pew, I become anxious that someone else will come sit there which will leave no place for my family to sit with me… I also worry about my family until they arrive.  (I guess I’m not too good with suspense).  My family also like to sit near the front of the church, which is okay for me when they are with me, but I do feel uncomfortable whilst I’m sitting alone there… I somehow feel exposed and don’t feel 100% in a comfort zone of my choice.  If I had someone to sit with me until my family arrived, I’d do a lot better.  But having said that… the very fact that I go to wait for my family there in the first place is something I already recognize as growth… even courage… so, I’m not doing too bad.  And it’s always the best feeling when my family do eventually arrive… I especially love my grandchildren’s hugs as they pass me to take their seats.  I still sit at the end of the pew… I cannot be trapped between people as that could set me up for the possibility of a tearful panic attack!
 
As Sacrament was being served, I really thought about it all this time around.  What my therapists religious pushing did to me during the transference and counter-transference breakdown phase of our therapy which still hurts me so much… almost unbearably at times.  At the same time, the neglect, condemnation and finger pointing judgements of many of our church family at that time… that further damaged, broke and took away from my children and I.  I lost so much of “the way I used to believe” during that time… I still don’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, or if I’m richer or poorer for it, but I have since then, greatly missed all that was lost. 
 
Religious trauma syndrome is a “real thing”… a terrible thing… and I still have a sense of how cruelly it was forced and inflicted on me… just as child abuse is forced and inflicted on the innocence of a child… so too, I believe it was, what happened to me in therapy, because it took away so much of what used to come very naturally to me… what used to feel so “right”… another hole in the soul took its place…
 
In our church, there are rules about taking Sacrament… one must be worthy… etc.  I wonder what would be said of me, if “they” were given the opportunity to judge me on where I am today… for starters, I don’t pay my tithing, because my diet needs have become so important to sustaining my health, and with all the unexpected expenses for a good few months now, our finances have been extremely strained… They could not guarantee any help to me for covering our needs… so this is where I am with that today and indeed, it doesn’t feel good, because I believe that where you put yourself, you must also be prepared to follow the rules and status quo there… it would be expected… but my health needs are also very important to me and I cannot let that go or mess with it… I never again want to be as obese or as unhealthy as I used to be.  I also do not attend church religiously… so… am I un-righteously taking the sacrament when I do attend? 
 
I had all these thoughts turning in my head… If only they knew why I am taking it still… how important it is that I don’t give up on at least the ritual of taking it… my desperate work to reconnect with what was taken away from me… if only they knew… if only… then what…
 
This is one journey I must take alone in this world… it’s between me and my Maker… in Him I trust completely… His Love I do not doubt at all… I feel His warm embrace so often… I know He is with me always, no matter where I am at any one time of my life… He has never forsaken me.
 
I am not alone in this world and never have been.
 
As I listened carefully to the words of the sacrament prayers, I prayed so hard… literally begging and pleading with my God… “Please Heavenly Father, please give me back what was lost.  Please restore to me what used to sit so easily in my heart and so comfortably.” 
 
And after the sacrament, when the first few people stood up to bear their testimonies and I heard how “they still had it”… how precious it must be… “to still have it”… I found myself crying bitterly from some place deep inside of me… stifling my tears so as not to make a spectacle of myself… stemming the flow with a bundle of tissue… suffocating on the agony inside of me… SUFFOCATING on my sadness!!!
 
But it was then that I began to feel the genuine warmth of “Heaven’s Hug”… as sure as if the Arms of my God wrapped around me and embraced me tightly… reassuring me… totally accepting me exactly as I am, right there, in a congregation that might otherwise choose to judge and reject me… or so I fear, going by all that had happened before in the other church where I used to believe I belonged, before my children and I experienced so much hurt there. 
 
Things always seem to fall to pieces, so I’ve come to expect it… it happened when I was a child… it happened in my marriages… it happened in that other church… it happened in therapy… it happened to some of my most cherished friendships… I have felt the threat of it recently in another important group that I considered family… it’s has even happened in family, in some vitally important (to me) areas where I have always wanted with all my heart to experience unconditional love and complete belonging… but there has been growing doubt… a feeling of how since my childhood, it has all been an illusion… my dream world of what love is meant to be has been just that… a dream world… and this I find very painful to my heart
 
That sense of being completely “Embraced by Heaven” overwhelmed me to sense of immense gratitude, and from that moment on I was able to hold my head up high again… there was a smile in my heart and once again, I truly felt very blessed and completely LOVED ♥
 
I left church after the sacrament service, and for the rest of the day, I did struggle with a lot of anxiety (typical after a deep emotional surge in public like I had earlier at church) … the chemical change kind of anxiety, where I feel a horrid vibrating throughout my body… almost as if I’ve been poisoned… everything starts to ache… even my skin… my heartbeat does not feel healthy… I feel like I’m going to faint and just want to go lie down somewhere… and I start to ache all over, even my skin burns… I developed an almost instant feeling of gout threat in my right foot as I walked (if I stepped wrong) … I felt positively awful… and on high alert, as though I am in danger… afraid to die!  I did improve as the day progressed though.
 
6th August
I’m happy to say that there’s another little cape sparrow who loves to chirp his little head off in the early hours of the morning’s.  He’s not nearly as loud as the last and doesn’t chirp right outside our home every morning… he doesn’t chirp as long as the other one did either, but, oh, how my heart rejoices when I hear him, and he reminds me to thank my Father in Heaven for another new day… another chance to do all that I still dream to do.  I’m so happy he chirped near our home this morning.
 
Today Shem came again to help us in our garden.  He is such a wonderful, hardworking man… a man who works with pure integrity.  He is a humble man, so willing to please.  It still worries me terribly that he is the kind of man who would be so easily used and abused by those who do not have a heart for another human being and all that they have to offer in this world.  I feel so blessed by Shem’s hard-work ethic and cheerful willingness to do all he can to serve others.  He is a man deserving of respect and goodness in return for what he gives so freely and willingly to others.  Today, Shem helped by cleaning up our yard, pulling out old plants, tilling our soil and beginning the preparation of our garden for spring planting, and because of the recent generous donations we received, we are even going to finish off the brick work in our back yard vegetable garden, to divide the beds which will help with preventing water run-off and flood damage during heavy rains and also give us something to walk on, so that we don’t have to step into the soft soil and beds to do the weeding, etc.  Shem will probably come to do the brick work tomorrow.  What a gracious-gift from Life he has been to us. 
 
Thanks so much for sharing with me today.  I wish you all well and pray my blog shares are helping in some way.
 
~ Panayiota.

After losing all the self-editing work I had already done on my book in June last year due to the devastating computer crash, I'm hoping to get back to working on my book again today, but lacked sleep once more and feeling that deep-draining tiredness again... could be mental avoidance happening (dissociative chronic fatigue syndrome)... but once I start on the book again, I will be fine... it's just getting there that's the problem...

I would rather be totally chilling on the top of a mountain... or on a beach somewhere than mulling over my past again just to finish the book.

So, switching off FB and everything else so that there's no excuses or distractions and opening the book onto my desktop right now...

I hope I can get it right! I have to get that book finished now... it will be a dream come true for me to have my life's work published at last, in the hope that it will make a difference for good in this world!  

TO STOP CHILD ABUSE AND ALL OTHER FORMS OF ABUSE!

Have a good day everyone... ♥

~ Panayiota

(Sharing my Facebook post updates)
22 July: The interesting thing for me again, is that before I'd finished yesterday's blog post (IS THIS MY LAST BLOG POST?  You get to decide…), I developed a sharp pain on the point of my right elbow and couldn't rest it on the chair arm... it's still sore, but not as bad as yesterday and my knee is niggling again. Weird how unloading and touching on deep emotional stuff triggers psychosomatic aches and pains so quickly. I find it so interesting.
 
My middle son visited me on his way home from church today and that was such a joy and a blessing as I hadn’t seen him in a while.  He’s been very busy with a house move, painting and fixing up the new house as well as frequent business trips.
 
23 July: Yesterday after two nights of less than 6 hours sleep, I was exhausted beyond measure, but at the same time so restless and once again, I got that insecurity-obsessive thing where I needed to cook for the whole nation! Anything and everything I could find to cook I cooked to try and ensure we wouldn't starve... Made a mountain of cupcakes using the returns-packs my sister-in law gave me, and meals ready in the fridge for two days with some over for freezing... washed dishes all day and could not rest until it was all done and I finally collapsed with nothing left. Took 1/4 sleeping pill and slept like a log... a good 8 hours again!
 
24 July:
Happy 39th Birthday to my first-born son… I love him so much!  I didn’t get to see him for his birthday, but I’m just glad I got to chat with him over the phone.
 
Woken after 5 1/2 hours sleep last night with our new bush-mechanic neighbour revving one of his cars much better at 3am!!! He buys, mends and sells cars at home to make money! I could NOT believe it… I am usually very patient with neighbours, but this one is pushing all the wrong buttons! I want to strangle him right now, because I couldn’t sleep much at all after that! When he revs the cars in the carport, the fumes come billowing into our garage (new hobby room) through the opening at the top of our roll-up garage door and we keep our clean washing in the garage, and other stuff, so it makes everything smell of fumes! I remember his mother saying the day that they arrived, that they were evicted from their last place… I wondered why… well, I’m not wondering anymore!  We share a carport and twice now, that I have heard, he has also reversed so hard into his CLOSED gate (attached to the same frame as our gate), that it’s rattled my whole house and the wall on my side of the car-port is coming apart with a crack as a result! This morning we were unable to re-lock our gate once my youngest son opened it to go out when his transport to work arrived, because their broken gate, off of its rails, was in the way! Also meaning that our car is not protected at night, because their gate is not securely locked! I’m going to have to report him, because I don’t want to be the one paying for that broken wall, etc. when the time comes. I feel most uncomfortable with a neighbour I can’t trust completely being so close. With our car parked right next to the one's he brings home in the same shared car port. my also couldn't sleep much after that noisy revving at 3am!
 
Later that day
GOOD NEWS: Our financial struggle is over this month... a most generous payment (blessing) for a Logotherapy dream interpretation from a very special friend (my miracle)... an interpretation which I haven't even done yet and I haven't even received it yet to work on... talk about pressure... EEEK!  But I'm so grateful you have no idea. That's taken a huge burden off of our shoulders for the rest of this month and might even go a long way towards having the car's timing sorted out next month. I also need to get underclothes, shorts and socks for my son, as well as at least one more work shirt... not to mention a vacuum cleaner, lawn mower, etc. But one thing at a time... we are truly very blessed and so grateful.
 
26 July:  My daughter in law’s birthday today… (recently divorced from my first son and now she is in hospital again with emotional struggles).  My son has been staying with her mother while she is away, to help take care of their children. 
 
27 July: The neighbor on the other side of our noisy new neighbour called me to tell me that on the night of the revving, she was also woken up, but by a huge bang before the revving happened… so I gather that was a third time that we know of, that he’s driven into the carport gate and knocked it off its railing!  I’m glad to know we’re not the only neighbours disturbed by this man’s inconsiderate and rude behavior.  I just feel sorry for his old parents though, who must be so embarrassed by him and need to move every time he creates havoc.  God bless them ♥
 
A MOST WONDERFUL DAY!
TOTALLY BLESSED: We've had a big donation from my dear far-away sister and brother in law, that will cover for sure, a new vacuum... it might even cover something else that we need... i.e. car timing to be sorted out, or a small mower or push mower, or a lock for our new hobby room (outside leading) door which we cannot lock yet because that came broken, so our house is still not secure... we also need to fix the inside door of the hobby room, because the door handle hole is offset and makes it very hard to move the handle or turn the key... it's already broken once and needed to be replaced. And the drip in the kitchen still needs to be fixed again... still dripping. And then there's the bathroom conversion I'd love to have done... bath to a shower... but that will need to wait for better days. Some more brick work for the back yard also needs to be done to complete our veggie patch. Not to mention my youngest son urgently needs underpants, socks and at least one more work shirt... so... my needs can wait for now... these other things are so much more important.
 
I'm very grateful that at least some of it can be done between the last two generous donations... Heaven sure is watching over us... ♥♥♥
 
My son also blessed me with some petrol money for collecting the children from the school today, because he was going to be too late from the airport to pick them up on time.  I am grateful for all the help we have received this month… we are so blessed.
 
I'm off to go post a student’s study pack at the Post Office... I hope the student receives it... we've had such struggles with the PO... I can't trust them anymore, but it was the student’s choice.
 
SIRENS AND AN UNEXPECTED, COMFORTING HUG
So, off I went to the post office… (it takes courage for me to leave my house, but my sense of responsibility towards the students is huge and I feel it’s so important to get their study packs off to them as quickly as possible, so that’s like a TOP priority over my own fears.) 
 
I’m the only person at the post office not too far from my house and the lady processes the study pack quickly.  As I’m about to leave, there is suddenly a huge noise of sirens and police cars rushing past outside… I froze at the door for a few seconds… panic attack coming on… aware that the lady who served me can see me, so I need to keep it together…
 
(For as long as I can remember, the sound of sirens too close by, creates panic in me.  In therapy we attributed this to the fact that my mother was always going into fitting attacks, and from a very young age, I’d be the one needing to call for help for her… then the ambulances and whatever other emergency services would arrive and take her away.  I’m not sure if we went with them in the ambulance or another vehicle, because we were very small, or if we were left with neighbours, but I do think that on some occasions, we were put into a stranger’s vehicle in the midst of the horror of seeing our mother in such a state being taken away from us, and we were taken with to wherever, because we were too small to be left at home alone… I mostly experience panic attacks when a police car rushes past me when I’m driving.  My chest gets really tight, my pulse rate and breathing increases and I start to cry).
 
Trying to avoid panicking in front of the lady in the Post Office, I decided to leave… I wanted to go to the store next door, to buy some stock cubes… even though we had received enough money now to get through the month, I was cooking for the nation again yesterday and again today!!!  (Still not over the feelings of insecurity from a month of money shortage).  Two large pots of food simmering on the stove and the electric frying pan also going on the counter!  Crazy! 
 
Anyway, so I leave the Post Office… feeling detached… police cars with their sirens screaming, still rushing past one after the other… I walk towards the store next door… my son and family used to work there.  David, a massive security guard is standing outside the door… people have massed by the door to watch the police cars passing… David is a familiar face… a place of safety… I find myself walking straight towards him and stop right next to him… and to my absolute surprise, in an instant… as if he just KNEW… he put his big old arm around me and pulled me close to him in a single armed hug.  In that moment in time, when I was on the edge of a full-blown panic attack, that hug came as a blessing beyond blessings.  I still wonder how he came to do that… did the fear show on my face?  I don’t know… I cannot remember much of anything between the Post Office and standing next to him… He’s very tall… a big man… I looked up at him and asked him what’s happening, and he responded, that he thinks it’s maybe a police funeral procession. 
 
When it was all over, I asked him what he’d like (we often come out with sweets for him, because we know he loves those), and he said he’d like a loaf of bread to take home with him later… so he walked with me into the shop, which still helped me to feel safe… chose his bread and came with me to the till.  Once paid for he took it, thanked me and went off back to his duties. 
 
As I was driving home and came to the crossroad where the police had rushed past just moments before, I allowed myself to remember and the panic instantly rose and tears flowed… so I had to remind myself that it was not necessary, I was safe and no harm was done… I was able to pull myself together before I arrived home and got over it quick enough. 
 
I will never forget David’s beautiful protective hug in a moment of desperate need.  What a special man he is!  Another BFG (Big Friendly Giant) like my youngest son.
 
The beautiful eclipse
To finish off this beautiful day, we were treated to an eclipse of the moon around 21h30… I’m sure it was the first time I can remember ever seeing a red moon… it was absolutely beautiful.  I was happy to see a community member from our area had posted photos taken of it that looked exactly as I remembered seeing it the night before.  He kindly agreed for me to share those photos by Roelof de Bruyn here on my blog which I am thankful for. 
 
The eclipse was known as the longest eclipse of the century and I was glad that my son and I didn’t miss it.  The only problem… I had a bad tummy ache in the afternoon/evening (Could that have been as a result of the panic earlier in the day? This possibility only just occurred to me… because, I just remembered, that’s how it used to be in my past when I had bad panic attacks) so, we ended up going to sleep too late and both ended up having very little sleep.

​Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

I am wondering why the vast majority of my readers never commented on my last blog post, when it was surely very clear that I really needed to hear from you all… so, yes… it bothers me and creates an element of distrust for me.  I ask myself… “Why are you reading my blog posts then?  Why are you there?  Who can I trust out there in the world with what is so deep in my heart that I have chosen to share So openly with you all up till now?

Without ever advertising my blog yet, because I can’t afford the amount needed: (Readers page views per week… last week: 23 July 18: 1105 page views and today:  941 page views… my last blog post “IS THIS MY LAST BLOG POST?  You get to decide…” was posted on 21st July).   

Below, is an e-mail from a Logotherapist in Guatemala who has convinced me that I do need to continue with my blog, because she is a virtual stranger to me and it seems that my sharing is making a difference for her in her work with young girls who have been abused.
Below the e-mail are some more cherished comments that were posted on the Patty’s Keys Facebook page.  I am so grateful for all who have taken the time to bring me the needed reassurance to just keep going with this heart-work of mine.

I would still like to hear from more strangers though… not just my friends and family… I need to know if my shares are serving a real purpose and helping others.  Either those suffering from the effects of child abuse… or helping those who are doing the abusing to STOP… or, helping people who have not been abused to understand the abused better and step in and take action to stop it and to help the victims of abuse… most especially the innocence and mental integrity of our children.  I'd also like to know if my shares are helping professionals to understand their clients better, etc.
 
EMAIL
Dear Pan...  please don’t stop to write for those who are reading your messages as me!
I’m reading all posts from Guatemala!
You are very important for me, for my work and for many people.. please don’t stop!!
Love you very much
RM (Logotherapist)
 
ON MY PATTY’S KEYS FACEBOOK PAGE
BN: (colleague) My friend, what stuck out for me was this quote “Anyway… I must just keep moving forward… be it in slow-motion or what… the work must go on, regardless of this great desire to run from it forever… escape reality and responsibility…” Giving up on your dream would be a tragedy beyond words. If needs be, take it in slow motion: write when you want to, when you want to, about whatever you want to, taking all the time you need. But don’t run away from this, your contribution means too much to be abandoned.  Sending lots of love!
Patty's Keys:  Thanks so much my dear friend... it means the world to me that you take the time to read what I share on my blog. I would love for you to comment there so that if there is going to be support like this, that people can see that there are other people who appreciate my sharing there and support it. I fear that there are so many people judging me because of the openness and honesty of my blog shares that I could do with the support there right now. You can even use a pseudonym to write there. I just need to know for sure... am I there making a fool of myself, or is my sharing making a difference for good. So, I thank you with all my heart for your comment on it all here and I am so grateful for you and your ongoing tremendous understanding support. Love you lots.
BN:  Of course my friend, I will do that. There is never foolishness in being open, only courage. It takes courage to express what millions of us are going through but don’t have the words or ability to express. It is a gift that you give to us which would leave us poorer if you took it away. Lots of love!!
Patty's Keys:  It's so hard to believe and yet such a gift to have your words for my heart. I'm truly grateful. Thanks so much for your love today and always and mine to you in return ♥♥♥
 
LP: (colleague) Your blog, while a possible healing avenue for you, also heals others by way of knowing they are not alone with their suffering and creates a virtual network of healing - it is never nice to hear that people are going through tough times: I hope it is not your last post 🕊
Patty's Keys:  Bless you dear L, and thanks a million for your lovely response which I appreciate so very much. Have a good evening and sweet dreams to you and yours with lots of love ♥♥♥
 
M MN E: (Facebook friend) I read the post and so much of it resounds with me. I find your posts soooo helpful. You often give voice to my feeling without even knowing that you are. Often your posts put into words, thoughts and feelings that I cannot express. You also share a lot of insight psychologically...this is so helpful to me. I too have felt the need to distance my self (in person) from a variety of people and just rest and find peace and calm again. It has really helped. Sabbaticals are so good for healing. Those that love you will understand. I really hope you keep writing your posts. I tried to comment but for some reason I couldn't. Will try again later. Hugs and love ♥
Patty's Keys:  Your response along with the others here have made me feel a lot stronger today and I am truly grateful to you and the others who have responded. Thanks so much dear M... I cherish my friendships here and your support so much. Goodnight and take care. Love you too <3
Patty's Keys:  Yes... please do try and post on the blog post... that would be great if you can get it to work. Maybe it will work tomorrow... HUGS ♥
 
DRC: (colleague) Never stop my Pana.. There is so much strength in your vulnerability. You are the person I know would never judge me for anything I would share with you. Not many people have the courage to be as authentic as you are. You inspire me.
Patty's Keys: Thank you my dearest D, your message is very strengthening to me... thank you for your sustaining love and friendship always and for never giving up on me no matter what. I'm very grateful for you in my life ♥ and I love you very much ♥
 
VB VM: (Facebook friend) I have just read your latest blog, my heart aches for you. I don't understand how people can hurt or judge you, you are one of the nicest people I know. And you're not being judged by God for not paying your tithes. In the Catholic church our priest always said those who can afford to donate, can do so. Those who can't will never be rejected or judged. Our one priest told me personally that our homes and families must come first when it comes to available money. God loves you and so do we! And I'm sure your blog helps many people - and those who judge don't deserve to be there.
Patty's Keys:  Thank you dearest V... so much for your kind and encouraging words and love. I am so grateful for your friendship over all these years and do hope that one day I get to meet you and all my precious Facebook friends who have stood by me for so long and journeyed with me and put up with my sometimes long, sometimes babbling roller-coaster of posts. You will always be such a treasure to my heart... thank you ♥♥♥
 
EM: (colleague) Dear Pana, you are truly an inspiration to me. Your spirit is bright and strong, you have never given up on life, and Patty’s Key’s is proof of your defiant spirit. You have overcome and you are a true survivor of life that can be so incredibly painful. Expressing your pain in the way you do, makes you the most transparent and honest person I have ever met - it is a true testament to the value of life which I find so beautiful. 🌈💐💚💪🏻
Patty's Keys:  It means so much to me to receive responses from my dear LogoFriends and family... thank you also for your beautiful and uplifting words of encouragement and love... I'm so grateful for people like you in my life who help me to feel that it's okay to be me...  ♥ (If you can post to the blog also, that would be great. If not, it's okay)... ♥ Love you lots ♥
 
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENT:  I am asking once more for people to comment on my blog to let me know if it’s helping and making a difference in this world.  I feel that this is what I was born to do as a result of my life experiences.

NOTE:  You may use a pseudonym in place of your name… and you don’t need to enter a website address or an e-mail address to post a comment.  I have just posted a notice comment on the last blog post to check and it posted without either of the addresses. 
 
A huge Thank you for all who do read my blog for “good”, and not just for morbid curiosity for what I’m sharing and something to gossip about. 

Thank you to all who clicked on “Like” on my last blog post.  I take this as an affirmation that I have your support and for that I am grateful… And a very special thank you to all who took the time to respond by commenting on that post… it meant the world to me to hear from you.  Because of you all, I have decided to continue posting on my blog.  Thank you so much! ♥

~ Panayiota 

​About an hour or two after I wrote the last blog post, I developed pain in the inner aspect of my right knee.  It became so sore that I could not sleep properly for nights.  I didn’t know where to put my leg so as not to be leaning on the sore spot and to keep it as comfortable as possible.  At times, my whole leg throbbed from top to toe!  I had to use crutches for a few days to get around.  I could not remember hurting it in any way, so I don’t know.  It didn’t seem to swell much at all, so I wasn’t sure if it was gout or an injury.  I had sat for two cold winter days writing that blog post… I can’t explain the stress-anxiety that happens when I’m writing a deep blog post like the last one and I imagine this one is going to be pretty much the same, because it might be my last, so it’s already causing me anxiety. 
 
It’s like there’s so much going on in my head, that I have to get it out, but in my head, there is chaos, so I sit here and just start to type and hope it will ALL come out in some kind of order.  This reminds me of when I was a child… you could give me your most tangled balls of wool to untangle and I’d sit for hours doing it until all the knots were untied and the balls were separated from each other and each rolled neatly again.  That’s a bit what writing a blog post feels like to me… like I can’t rest until it’s done.  So… I wondered if the stress-anxiety caused the sore knee (which is still hurting a little today, (15-days later), or if I hurt myself somehow… sitting for ages, cold and stiff and moved wrong, or something.  Maybe I banged it on the corner of my coffee table and don’t remember… but there seemed to be other gout-threat aches and pains in my feet and generally all over at that time… as if my body was poisoned again, so I’m thinking gout as a result of the stress of writing the last blog post… I don’t know.
 
June was a stressful month with all the traveling to and from the student’s workshops… too much excitement… long hours and lack of sleep… on the go constantly with little time to rest in-between.  My house got into a hideous mess over that time, and my room, which doubles as my office became completely out of order with workshop supplies and paperwork piled all over… after the workshops, everything felt totally out of order, but there was still so much to do… marking student’s portfolios, getting the rest of the house sorted out and trying to keep that side in order.  Yesterday, for the first time, I found a little time to start working on getting order back in my room.  I will try to finish off in here today when I’m finished this post… I need order in my surroundings… there’s enough chaos in my head without adding more. 
 
With no vacuum cleaner and my sister’s helper, for some reason no longer able to come regularly twice a week for two hours each time like before, it is harder than ever to keep up now and dust is collecting everywhere, which is not good for my son or me.  The more things get out of hand, the more chaos develops in my head… I just can’t keep up… the garden also needs attention… but I am buried here most of the time… behind my computer… either working or escaping… battling dissociation so much that it’s driving me bonkers… it has even returned to me when I bath.  I haven’t had that problem when I bath in months and thought it was gone… but it’s back!  I struggle to stay connected to finish bathing now… it’s taking longer than it should, because I am lost in there for so long again… AARGH!  And what really frustrates me is how my eyesight also seems to go with the dissociation… a bit like when you are looking at one of those pictures that you must focus your eyes deeper into, so that you can see the image that is hidden inside of its’ complexity… I’m even doing it now, and must keep pulling my eyesight back to normal focus so that I can continue with my typing… I also describe this as… “the deeps sleep” … or “falling down the rabbit hole” … like something is trying to suck me away into oblivion… or, “The Twilight Zone” … maybe the whole “chronic fatigue syndrome” thing that I mentioned before in a recent post… connected to dissociation and child abuse.
 
Anyway… I must just keep moving forward… be it in slow-motion or what… the work must go on, regardless of this great desire to run from it forever… escape reality and responsibility…
 
And as can be read in my last blog post, there’s been all this political nonsense that’s been going on in the group I’ve been a part of for so long.  That has triggered Patricia and all her deep array of emotions… and that has been my biggest struggle of all since around May and I can’t seem to put her back to rest inside of me again… she has desperately needed to have her say and is constantly silenced by the results that arise, just because she dares to speak… beaten down constantly by “mother”… mother always, always wins.  I even lost my best friend EC many years ago, because mother won!  She thrived in taking away everything and everyone who I ever dared to love more than her.
 
When Patricia tried to talk to mother about what the stepfather was doing to her… mother would respond… not in just words… but Patricia knew…  “Children shouldn’t be seen… shouldn’t be heard… should not have been born… shouldn’t exist!” … and that’s how Patricia became stuck forever inside in that agonizing place “buried in the wall” … (the picture I once drew that I have included in my book which I hope to finish and have published soon).  It just occurred to me why I used the “trapped inside the wall” symbol for Patricia when I drew here, using “the power of the other hand”… but I will keep that explanation for my book.  WOW!  It amazes me how the mind works… files things away and puts them together to try make sense of things.
 
Yet another financial blow! 
On the 7th July I wrote on Facebook :  Serious panic going on here! I sent Andrew with my car to the mechanic to see what's happening with the dreadful grinding sound whenever we push the breaks. Asked him to call me before doing anything... he sent a please call me which I only saw about half an hour later, so I called him back. They say that there's metal on metal and the whole back brake drums need to be replaced, etc. R2880+ OH MY GIDDY AUNT!!! I told him to bring it back, but he says they're already working on it!  I sent out an urgent plea on our Family WhatsApp group for R2000 loan... NOW WHAT? EEEEEK! How on earth will we eat this month!
 
My three older children responded that day… they were there for me and I knew it, and that’s more important to me than anything that any money could ever buy!  I ended up though using money off my two bank cards to pay the bill, with the knowledge that I could call on my children for assistance when our remaining funds were finished.  Thankfully, we’d already paid our other bills and bought most of our more expensive groceries for the month and still had frozen food I had made previously, in the deepfreeze… so all we’d really need towards the end of the month, would be the cheaper foods such as, basic salad veggies, bread, milk, eggs, etc.  We could do without the other “nice” stuff.  I have tons of lettuce and herbs in the garden which is proving very helpful too.  I would owe money back to the one card though, because that was not mine, so there’s already that worry for August and the timing is badly out on our car… the mechanic suggested we have that seen to also… AARGH!  My lovely sister-in-law, Irene, also responded to our plea for help and made sure that we were stocked up with “shop returns” again.  (Any damaged or outdated, products from her supermarket).  In general, these are not things that I eat as they are not part of my special diet, but they are perfect for my son and we are so grateful for this help also in times of need… what a difference it all makes.  And, one of my dear Facebook friends also responded immediately to my post about the car by donating R500 to help us with our expenses.  I did not expect that at all and felt so loved by her kind generosity.
 
The unexpected expenses have been hitting us month after month without let-up!  Enough already.  Our church will say that it’s because we have not been paying tithing that we are suffering financially, but because they were not able to ensure that I could stick to my special diet (controlling diabetes, arthritis/gout, using diet alone), it has made it completely impossible for me to commit to paying tithing.  I cannot go back to how obese and sickly I used to be!  Every cent helps me to stay on my diet… and it is NOT a luxury diet by any means.  I am healthier than I’ve ever been in years and had lost 52 kg’s.   I say “had”, because since May with all the upsets I’ve put on 3 kg’s!!!  One of the reason’s I am writing this blog post… because I must take back control of my own life and (physical/emotional) health needs again!
 
So, what do I do… DO I SHUT PATRICIA UP AGAIN AND LOCK HER AWAY… to make everyone else happy?  Do I deny her hurts and needs to be heard yet again?  Do I do this, in order to keep harmony among the people I know… keeping in mind also that “Hurt People Hurt People”, and my friends cannot understand the dynamics of Patricia… they try to and for that I’m grateful, but a person can only take so much of Patricia’s trapped frustrations, hurting and anger showing on the surface.  So, do I now lock Patricia away to protect them… or… do I push them away to give Patricia time and a chance to feel/experience exactly what she needs to feel until she can make sense of it all for herself and hopefully find her own place of healing, safety and belonging in this world. 
 
This is her time to be heard and healed… and like the sayings go…
 
You cannot go back into your past to find healing… so you have to find a way to find it here in the present…
 
And you cannot expect anyone from your past… OR PRESENT to be the ones to rescue you from your pain and struggles that stem from your past… that would be expecting far too much from people who do not and cannot fully know or understand where you are coming from…
 
So, all that is left is exactly what I learned to do with Patty… I learned that only I… MY ADULT SELF (Panayiota) could ever possibly be able to help the other parts of me.
 
If this means pulling away for a time from all those I love, as well as the finger-pointing, gossiping judges, then so be it. 
 
If it means losing more friends, because they can’t understand, and needing to distance myself from them for a time or forever if there’s no other way… then so be it too.
 
I am on a quest for healing, and whatever losses I have to incur along the way, I realise I need to face and accept them so that I do not deliberately harm others by staying too close to them.  I would NEVER deliberately harm anyone.  If I chose that kind of behavior, then I’d be no better than my mother… she left people destroyed in her wake.  I will do everything in my power to never, ever end up like her.  A promise my sister and I made to each other when we were children and have done our best to keep ever since.  So, when I see people beginning to be hurt by my weaker behaviours… that’s when it’s time to withdraw from them altogether… even if it means never having them back in my life again as a result.
 
I have recently distanced myself from my family WhatsApp group, because so often I feel more alone there than I do otherwise… (keeping in mind that I am aware that everyone else isn’t isolated like I am… they have bigger families and active, busy lives, so they can’t know what I’m feeling, or thinking during all the lonely hours of isolation each day) it was the same when I distanced myself from the ladies of the church WhatsApp group… I felt very lonely there too… and in the last few days, I’ve also made the decision to distance myself from not just the person/s who caused Patricia to surface, but the entire group, because I can feel the effects that Patricia is having on them and I cannot allow that.  I discovered that what I consider to be a close friend, recently deleted herself off of my Facebook page… a painful realization of another lost friend and judge in my life… seeing her gone from my friends list hurt a lot.  One person, in a WhatsApp message the other day, made it quite clear that she was angry with me for sharing what I had with her “in a moment of desperation… I trusted her friendship implicitly” … I’m sure she was also upset with what I shared on my last blog post, even though I did not mention her name on it … Her rejection in that moment in time was the last straw for me, (one loss of “a special friend” too many!) and that’s when I knew… ENOUGH!
 
Patricia’s emotions are right on the edge again… I once wrote:
 
THE BITTER EDGE!
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 I come close to the edge of the abyss at times,
And it’s not a good place to be!
Every nerve in my body is pulled tight,
As they play ‘Discomfort’s Symphony!’
My mind feels like it’s racing through time,
On a roller coaster to fast too describe,
And it’s a struggle to keep it together,
As I grasp tightly, to: I ‘Must Survive!’
The world spins around me like a hurricane,
And hail pelts my soul in the storm!
Lava spills over my insides,
As from life I am gradually torn!
But there’s always ‘One Fight Left’ within me,
Calling me to ‘Never Give Up!’
I will turn from the edge of each abyss,
And cast down its’ ‘Bitter Cruel Cup!’
Yet there is fear when I know I have been there!
For I know it can trap me again,
Because once you’ve been that close to the edge,
Pain will easily find it again!
Longing to be lost in the depths of its’ darkness,
Where dense fog will cloud over reality,
Engulfing!  Consuming!  Possessing!
In the hope of setting pain free!
 
~ Panayiota
(11th February 2005 – 24h00 – EC, thank you for being there for me today!)
 
I also wrote a few years before:
 
INSANITY IS A PLACE OF REFUGE!
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“Insanity is a place where a hurt and damaged spirit goes for refuge in this world, when it can’t find love, acceptance, understanding, help or peace, anywhere else!”
 
~ Panayiota
(14 July 2000)
 
I also wrote the same day:
 
THE SANITY OF HAVING A TRUE FRIEND
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“NO ONE WHO IS BLESSED WITH A TRUE FRIEND COULD POSSIBLE GO INSANE.”
 
~ Panayiota
(14 July 2000)
 
FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE CRASHING
So anyway, at this time, I am feeling my family and friendship circles crashing once more and my sense of belonging dwindling rapidly again.  Because Patricia has surfaced, people are moving away… or… I am pushing them away… I am not 100% sure which… I think both.  I find it hard enough to deal with Patricia’s overwhelming intensity of emotions when she’s on the surface… my friends surely find it even harder… she is not a happy camper… who wants to be around someone who is always feeling frustrated and angry and speaks her mind.  I see and feel their connection fading in Patricia’s presence and that creates even more anxiety.  Patricia is hurting… and without meaning to, she hurts others… I cannot allow that to happen.
 
WONDERING ALONE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Losing faith in your fellow man leaves you wondering in a lonely and desolate place somewhere between heaven and earth.
 
~ Panayiota
(9th December 2000)
 
Someone posted something yesterday on Facebook that triggered this blog post for me… I’ve changed the wording and attached it as a picture quote. 
 
IS THIS MY LAST BLOG POST?  You get to decide…
I am requesting responses to this blog post please. 
 
If anyone at all is being helped by my blog, please let me know by commenting publicly below this post. 
 
If I receive no responses, then I will no longer post any personal posts, other than donation requests on my blog again.  I will continue though, to write blog posts and keep those somewhere safe.  I will also send copies to someone I feel I can trust completely to keep for me.  I will ask that person, that when I die, to post all my blog posts under the heading “Our voices from our grave” because I (Panayiota, Patricia, Patty) might be silenced while we’re alive, but we will NOT be silenced in death also. 
 
Depending on your responses… if any at all, I will make my decision whether to keep posting my personal experiences on my blog… that is in your hands.
 
Ugly posts will not be read or posted and will be deleted… that is in my hands.
 
A song that popped up on Facebook yesterday… I felt that it fitted well with my current situation and did bring a sense of comfort for which I am grateful.
 
Lauren Daigle - You Say (Official Music Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota 
 
If peace means being alone… then that’s where I want to be.