Real friends just don’t let go!

Isn't it amazing how just the right thing always pops up at just the right time!  Incredible ❤
 
This is so fitting to me right now as I have pushed so much of the world away during a difficult time where trust has been shattered again and rejection feels strong...
 
I even deleted 71 Facebook friends the day before yesterday... some I don't trust anymore... why did they friend me in the first place... what was their ulterior motive... some who friended me, I don't know and no longer feel I should be sharing so openly with as strangers... in case they see my posts and eventually add themselves to the judgement group... some I don't want to hurt or confuse with my posts... some... can just stay for now...
 
Then the ones that are remaining... some of the best people in the world... people I feel I can still trust... or, just people I don't want to hurt by deleting...
 
This kind of withdrawal from the world and self-isolation to stay safe and away from hurt is a pattern I've entered many times in my past, and... only by being able to reestablish my trust and belief in their LOVE again will that help to bring me back from this distant place...
 
But once trust is damaged, it's very hard to find it again...
 
One day everything was so beautiful and nothing could ever go wrong... there was peace and joy... and the next day... it all went wrong and there were no answers and my voice was taken away again... and the judgements grew stronger than ever... because everyone felt they already had the ONLY answers, so they weren't listening anymore... their hearts had closed to me as they magnified their own stories and beliefs against me...
 
And the worst judgements of all in my opinion, are from those who should really be loving their fellow man…I’m especially agitated by the judgmental, “Missed you at church today” messages that leave me cold and push me ever further away!  Every Sunday, to receive a message that looks innocent and dressed as caring, but is often loaded with judgements, insults, fire and brimstone threats and/or condemnation and guilt trips…
 
My mother was the estate agent for guilt trips… I am very sensitive to them and recognise them immediately… There is no love in this kind of treatment…
 
I have bought myself a book a while ago which I intend to study, so that I can help myself and others who are going through what I am going through as a result of religious trauma syndrome which has been inflicted on me by dogmatic religious fanatics over the years.  The book is called: “Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?” – Helping, (not hurting) those with emotional difficulties – by Dwight L. Carlson, M.D.  So far, I am very impressed with the views of this writer.  I hope to help others like myself, not to become so angry with religion, that they forget their connection with their God and Heaven because they have been so hurt by the religions of this world that see mental illness, anxiety, fear, tears, outbursts, suffering, etc., as a sin and therefore are not qualified or able to assist their suffering with healing… instead filling them with guilt… punishing them, shunning them, pushing them aside as sinners and isolating them from much needed understanding and love… adding to the damage that already exists for such sufferers.  Nobody should have that much power over anybody’s emotional well being or soul, except God Himself. 
 
I love this post below and I'm so glad it popped up today... it says it all ❤ ❤ ❤
 
"You can’t lose real friends; they just won’t go." ~ Donna Ashworth
 
This is what popped up on Facebook today:
 
REAL FRIENDS CAN’T BE LOST
You cannot lose real friends.
You just can’t.
They won’t go, no matter how hard you push them away when you are not yourself.
They will wait
and wait
and wait,
until they see a tiny glimmer of your light breaking through
and back they will come with open arms.
Your real friends are still there.
And if they feel lost to you right now,
perhaps it’s because they are lost to themselves.
Just wait
and wait
and wait,
then knock on that door,
reach in, just in case they can’t reach out.
And do it again until they answer.
If you are feeling sad about the people you have ‘lost’ along the way my friend, don’t.
They were never yours to keep.
The real ones don’t need to be earned, or appeased, or coaxed.
They are in it for the long haul and for all the right reasons.
And each of those friends is worth a dozen fair-weather,
so count your lucky stars if you have one.
Keep your circle small but let its light be mighty.
You can’t lose real friends, they just won’t go.
 
~ Donna Ashworth
 
From ‘the right words’: https://www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp...
 
Just yesterday, I wrote to a friend via email in response to her very caring email-comment on my last blog post: 
 
Friends email
Dear Pan, I’m reading your post, and I Can understand how you feel when you are down, cause I have had similar thoughts when things aren’t going well… I’m suffering pain, from 3 years ago, it’s exhausting, when I’m in pain crisis I think exactly like you, but there is always God love touching my soul and showing me in many other ways how important I am for him and how much he loves me…  if you want to talk, send you my telephone number … will be a pleasure to have the opportunity to talk, let me tell you, you aren’t alone! And you are very loved and smart person! I really admire you!
Sending you many hugs! 
 
My response
Please forgive me for a late response.  I don't know why I struggled so much to come back to you.  The place I find myself in is not the best.  I'm in a place where I'm blocking the whole world out... church, family and even 71 Facebook friends who I deleted the day before last, because I didn't feel a close connection to some (Why were they even there?  Why did they Friend me in the first place?  Who are some of them anyway?), felt some were just there to spy and judge, and others I deleted, because I felt that my posts might be hurtful to them or members of their family who I care about, who they might talk about my posts to.  There were others I very much wanted to delete, because they are too connected to others who have hurt me, but didn't want to hurt them by doing so, (because I love them).
 
Work has been extra busy this week and the days flew by, but besides that, I've also been feeling very distant and detached.  I pop into Facebook every day just for connection with those (among the rest), who I feel I can still trust, but don't stay for too long each time... trying hard not to impose my own pain on them... slipping up badly sometimes when my pain is really deep and I need just ONE person to hear. Having a voice to express my truths helps to relieve some of the pressure build-up, but always trying hard not to share too much there! 
 
Logotherapy has taught me that I have to find safer and less passive-aggressive ways to say what I want to say so that I can still have a voice... more thoughtful ways... a kinder voice. 
 
(I keep reminding myself and trying hard to express myself better… not from my very hurt adolescent personality… very few can hear Patricia's pain, and those who hurt Patricia most and trigger her voice, end up hating and rejecting her… so I should never allow her to speak… most of the world is deaf to her, and she is invisible to most of the world.  Very few can hear or see her presence in me… fewer can accept her… and even less are able to love her as I do)
 
It hurts to imagine you in so much pain like that.   You are such a beautiful young woman doing such wonderful works in the service of other sufferers.  I am also struggling with pain all the time, but mine is related more to arthritis/gout and very much connected psychosomatically.  The more I struggle emotionally, the more pain I seem to have. I've struggled with aches and pains since I was a little girl, and thankfully, since Logotherapy found me in my 50's, I have been so much better... but, since covid and recent deeply emotional struggles and once again feeling like I don't belong... feeling rejected and pushed aside... and not having the answers to the "Why?"... I am once again struggling for my "How?"... yet... somehow, I just keep pushing forward... I become numb to my pain, but sadly also to the world around me... Some things never change, so there's no fighting it anymore... Rejection and painful loss seems inevitable and ordained for my life, and it is for me to keep rising up against all the negatives and hurts, and to just keep pushing forward with my mission in life.
 
There is much wisdom in the words of Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." (Frankl, 2008, p. 109) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
A very dear Logotherapy friend who I have not chatted to in some time and who, as far as I know, doesn’t know the details of my struggle at this time, posted this picture quote below and wrote the following for me on 29th March as if he knew exactly what I was going through… 
 
“Entirely relevant to what you are going through Pan. You have given so much to so many people. You are hugely valued and those of us who are fortunate enough to count you as a friend are immensely grateful. Remember that we are all unique and we all have a gift that we share with those around us. You are very special and very loved.” ~  Graham

​Thank you.
 
~ Panayiota

Added: 4 April 22

This applies very much also to many survivors of child abuse:

"Changing the information processing

Children who are subject to chronic abuse are forced to train focus away from language and verbal content toward non-verbal, danger related cues such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and so forth. This type of processing facilitates a quick response to danger, but occurs at the expense of abstract reasoning and the use of language and ideas. Such children are hyper vigilant and are often misdiagnosed as having Attention deficit disorder (Naparstek 2006:85)" ~ from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)